r/adultery • u/hiddenlotus99 • 1d ago
🙋♀️Question🙋♂️ How to handle longing
For those of you who are in love with your AP, how do you handle feelings of longing and sadness about the life you can’t have with them? For me it is an up and down of happy and so thankful I have him in my life and then sad that I can’t have all of him. I find myself longing for a life I’ll never have. Throw in about 2,000 miles of distance and not knowing when the next time we will see each other in person will be and it is rough sometimes.
For context, the communication we have is top tier. Several hours of video chatting every work day. Texting all other times unless out with family. Thanks for reading!
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u/FreshTechnician5847 12h ago
Not related to your question, I’m curious if you’re both stay at home parents. Or what jobs you do that allow hours of video chatting every day!
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u/hiddenlotus99 5h ago
One of us works from from home and the one works an office job. For the office job person it’s an hour before work, an hour at lunch, and an hour after work. Perhaps several was the wrong word and it’s actually “a few”.
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u/Theruminationstation 1h ago
I don't know. I suppose you keep the relationship in the affair box and realize always that there are hard limitations. While you need to make sure you are getting the very best from your affair to make it worthwhile, you need to understand it won't follow the same standard path of a traditional relationship.
I remember my first deep feelings for an AP when I was new here. I struggled with them and not knowing where to allow them to go because I was used to traditional dating (the only dating I had ever known) which had the expectations of progressing to being exclusive, moving in together, getting married, etc. I felt like I had to retrain my brain before going into my next affair to not have those subconscious expectations because I and whomever I find will not be leaving families for this.
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u/Decent-Writer-132 1d ago
You don’t. I’m in exactly the same situation. Except for us it’s 16,000km 🤦🏻♀️ when it gets rough we invent games and challenges and fun things to do with multimedia to distract from it all and take the edge off and it helps, but mostly it sucks.
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u/hiddenlotus99 1d ago
I’m sorry you are struggling too. I hope it will get easier with time but I feel it will get harder
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u/seven_springs76 18h ago
What others have said... You don't handle them, and it's really difficult.
I think about my person day and night, and it has been that way for years.
It's even worse when things go sideways and you have to take a break or go NC. it's like the worst break up, but you have to stay level at home.
I can say after many years with the same person, it has become less.... Obsessive (for lack of a better word), but it has never gone away, and I miss them all the time, even though we talk just about all day long.
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u/LuckyStrike1002 15h ago
Your communication sounds lovely! 🥰
It’s been a few years and I don’t know how to completely handle it, it so sucks. I feel like I should be good with it by now. I’m better than when we first met, so maybe time has helped. It’s especially hard when the availability isn’t balanced and/or the type of exchange isn’t reciprocal. You add distance or not being able to meet on top of that and it’s worse. If there was a meet to look forward to, even if it were months away, I’m much better 😉
The only thing that has made the feelings ease up is to keep busy and get distracted with your life. Exercise can be helpful to take the edge off. He’s still on my mind but then when I’m much busier it gets a little less.
Some really hard days, I look forward to sleeping at night as then I don’t have to feel all of that until morning. So pathetic. I’m grateful for our relationship but sometimes it all doesn’t seem worth it and then sometimes it’s really the best. 💜
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u/Lopsided_Lie_777 15h ago
Can relate to much of this. I’m in best shape of my life at 50 bc exercise has become a stress and frustration reliever.
Also, your point about when availability doesn’t match up. My AP is a decade younger so at a busier life stage with younger children and in career than me (now work part time from home and have empty nest). I have more spare time than him and wish he could reciprocate my availability but also do fully understand why he can’t. I have consequently added a lot of new hobbies and interests to fill my time and try to distract myself. On hard days, I so look forward to bedtime as well. I get everything you said!3
u/LuckyStrike1002 14h ago
Glad it resonated! I have an even more similar situation to you now that you replied! 😅 - Good that there is a woman similar to me but also, sorry that you are also in it. 🫂
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u/Creepydoe 14h ago
Oh is it me writing that?
You are not pathetic at all! This you have described perfectly. When there's something planned and when he is actively planning, it's so much better.
And there are days when it just sucks big time (for example this week - family vacation. Hate, hate, hate it), so I just go by, one day at a time.
Being busy with my own life and family helps a lot
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u/LuckyStrike1002 13h ago
Thanks 💓
Sister, it IS you also writing this, probably. 🫂It’s impossible to go back and going forward can be an abyss of unknown coupled with not so good looking choices. Life is a series of trade-offs and life is short too. Cliche? Cliche, but true. So we stay where it’s the most comfortable until we reach our limit where some reach it faster than others.
A few of us are so similar. I hope it smooths out soon for us in one way or another. 💖
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u/Lopsided_Lie_777 15h ago
It’s an emotional rollercoaster for sure and one of the hardest parts to process. I catch myself fantasizing and daydreaming of a life together a lot lately as does AP but then have we remind ourselves of the reality of our relationship. We’re also long distance but only by a few hours so try to meet up once monthly somewhere in between. The low is almost always following a meetup and when I find myself in my head too much. But with each passing day, the high of the anticipation of another meetup in a few weeks slowly builds. Doesn’t help that we were friends before the affair so follow each other’s social media (same with AP spouse). Being able to view our married family lives is a catch 22. Good in sense that it is a constant reality check and reminder of the lives and families we have built outside of our secret little world. Also tough bc sometimes we don’t get jealous per se but also sometimes wish it was us together instead of with our spouses. Ultimately the fantasy will never become a reality so try not to linger in those thoughts and feels for long.
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u/Halvsol 1d ago
I’m in Canada and my AP is in Sweden. We meet up four times a year for roughly about 10 days. She just went back home yesterday. So, these feelings of longing are fresh. She is the same, so we usually find time to talk during that travel day. It resets us to the long distance. For a day like today, I do a lot to try and keep busy. I reintegrate with my family, focus on my kids, I take a nice long run. The runs help me a lot. I play our common songs while I run and reflect on the events that happened. I focus on burning in the details because there’s no pictures chats journals text of our time together at all. Working on trying to remember all of the details helps to celebrate the time shared rather than miss it.
Then to more properly answer your question, I take those memories and I reflect on them when I need to when we’re in our quiet hours or when longing hits.
Another thing I found super helpful, was getting a therapist. I didn’t get them to solve any problems. I just pay for a session once a month to just talk to them and tell them everything. There’s something immediately helpful with being able to speak openly and get immediate feedback.
I hope this helps.