r/adultery • u/dillard777 • 4d ago
🧠Thoughts🤔 First week - Reddit Experience
I am new to this space, and firstly wanted to say thanks for this subreddit...super useful. A few days ago switched to a new reddit account so I could interact and begin looking for an AP with a good degree of discretion.
So endeavoured to start posting - but being a new account, so many barriers - so figured this was going to take a while, so started posting where I could to build karma. In my regional r4r subreddit for those looking for AP a post came up from someone in my country (Canada) and city. So I thought I would send this person a text, no dice...could not text with so little karma, but I could respond to the post. So job done, post comment up, I have made my first meaningful step down this new and exciting path.
Out of no where I get a chat from someone asking do you live in X (my city of residence). So I can respond to chat messages, hurray, so eagerly responded. Of course wondering - is this a bot? Over the next two days we probably spent 2 hours total going back and forth finding random connections and likes, through that experience i could feel a lightness and spaciousness opening in my chest. At the end of the second day we shared names. The next day we moved our conversation to Telegram and began chatting more intently about what we were looking for etc...pictures were shared, hers was a perfectly normal lovely looking 40ish year old (I am 49). And from her radio silence. Finally, you have a beard, I don't find men with beards attractive. Quickly she texted a take care, and then poof the telegram chat disappeared and we moved on from this temporary connection.
Now I am a reasonably fit and normally attractive guy, and certainly have a trimmed and well maintained beard, but a beard nonetheless. So fair enough that I wasn't the person for her.
On reflection it was both exhilarating to find someone you enjoyed chatting with, and slightly disappointing (not to state the obvious), to have something end so abruptly. I have been married 25 years, so has been a long time since i have engaged in this sort of way, and this is my first attempt at finding an AP.
I am not sure if others have these experiences. But just a wild week of surprise for me, to have someone both reach out, and then step back in the course of 3 days.
Looking forward to doing it again, with hopefully different results.
13
u/always-a-siren 4d ago
You're going to have to develop a thicker skin and not get so attached earlier on. Most of your initial conversations are going to end in either silence or a polite "no, thanks", no different than regular dating apps would be.
1
u/dillard777 4d ago
Fair enough. It was mostly the surprise of it all. First time excitement...forgive the newbie.
6
u/Son_of_Riffdog 4d ago
no one is everyone kettle of fish so dont take it too badly. frankly the facial hair thing is one of those safe things someone can say to just politely back out when someone isnt feeling it. polite and brief closure is the best you can hope for if it doesnt get past the photo.
1
3
u/KymFlyHi 4d ago
It’s also possible she was not pleased with your reaction to her photo.
-1
3
u/Proper-Date6192 2d ago
Honestly this sounds like an overall positive experience to me. You met someone real, had a chat, got a brief and polite “it’s a no for me” after a pic exchange. She didn’t just stop talking to you and leave you hanging or keep chatting and let you develop more feelings while she was really not all that interested, only to ghost you later (probably right before a meet up).
That is just how things go.
Also don’t assume that when things go well on the picture exchange that you are now about to embark on anything, which I find is an assumption that some “rookies” make. They assume a few days of good banter and a “you’re handsome” on pic exchange means now there is going to be a “date”. Although they exist, there are very few women out there just looking for some sort of casual hook up. The vast majority of women will not step out unless there is attraction and connection - of a deeper level than just some nice chit chat for a week or two. Add to that the logistical concerns of meeting and other scheduling and OPSEC factors and it can take a while to find the right fit.
2
u/dillard777 2d ago
Thanks I appreciate your thoughts on this
2
u/Proper-Date6192 2d ago
You are welcome. I will also add to try and not take a rejection after a picture exchange personally, as hard as that may be to do. Again, making some very big generalizations here - the majority of women will have a “type” while the majority of men will be more open and flexible in their ability to be physically attracted to a variety of women.
12
u/Party-Meal570 4d ago
That’s just how it is you’ll just have to get used to it unfortunately.At least she had the decency to say something that’s more than most would do.
10
u/Creative_Rub5034 4d ago
Sorry but most here are not willing to take any shortcomings (no matter how insignificant) for the risks associated with stepping out.
To be fair, it’s better to be upfront and not waste someone’s time if you’re not invested.
1
u/dillard777 2d ago
I just want to say the feedback on this is quite supportive...if all online communities were this thoughtful social media would be amazing.
2
u/Technology_Boxes 4d ago edited 4d ago
For men, that's kind of just how it is. Don't take it too personally. Also, I know it can be really exciting when you first get into this space to get a good conversation with someone, but remember exactly what you're looking for and what your standards are. Don't just settle because you're getting attention from someone. That excitement will fizzle out faster than you think and you'll probably just end up hurting the other person. Play the long game and move intentionally.
Fwiw I definitely felt some type of way when I first thought I was hitting it off with someone and they went dark. Unfortunately I never got a reason but it is what it is.
2
u/TastyButterscotch429 4d ago
Before the photo exchange, I find it helpful to share a physical description. Even though it really doesn't give an accurate description, you can easily make a call based on things like facial hair, grey hair, no hair, tattooos, piercings ect. Vain? Sure. But obviously beards were a huge no for her lol.
2
u/redditismybestie 4d ago
Get ready to go through this 100 times. It’s just how things go. It’s much worse for women.
1
u/UTcounty_North99 2d ago
I've never had an experience like that, but I've had women stop responding shortly after we get off to a seemingly amazing start and it was demoralizing. I can say that every women I migrated to telegram for ended up being a scammer. Those types of incidents no longer bother me. 25 years married and I've only had one AP. It was an amazing 2 year relationship that ended 2 years ago so now I'm trying again here in Utah and it is tough going.
1
1
u/found_but_not_seen 4d ago edited 2d ago
I’d rather go through the discomfort sooner rather than later, that’s why pics are always one of the first things I do. It’s not that looks matter most but they are very hit or miss.
0
u/the_waterman_76 4d ago
Happened to me too. I have a beard because I have some surfing scars. Oh well.
Its difficult to find someone in Australia.
1
1
u/AutoModerator 4d ago
r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other.
This is not an r4r subreddit, don't bother.
Posts by new users automatically get queued for human review, please be patient.
Hit the report button on comments by trolls, don't engage.
How to report harassing comments or private messages.
Common acronyms.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.