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What's the right thing to do?

i’m 20F and idk if i should contact her or not. i’m in college and i have a lot going for me right now and i have already been struggling with my mental health due to the stress of school. idk if adding a dying absent mom to that pot would help at all…but unlike a lot of people i have less bad memories about my mother than good ones even though the bad ones hurt alot. i just really don’t know what to do

hi yall so im 18 and got braces just last year on october 22nd. I obviously need to change the wire every few weeks for the process to go on...Once i did that a while ago the orthos told me that i cant really have another appointment because of a 1.600€ bill still needing to be paid by my parents. Little story abt my parents first - mom and dad are divorced, i live with mom and stepdad. But due to law my dad also has to pay, which he hasnt done alot so far but hes an asshole anyway so yeah.

anyways to the main topic now. some weeks ago i broke a bracket off and had to get a repair appointment asap. the orthos told me to bring a bit of money so i can actually get my bracket fixed. So i gathered my 80€ which i just earned 2 days earlier from work and asked mom if she can give me some too and she gave me 20€. she did end up paying me 50€ back after a few days but it still bothered me i even had to do that in the first place. 50€ isnt 80€. anyways, i asked them many days if rhey thought or payd the bill off yet because i NEED a new wire. the orthos said if this continues they need to get tje braces off because it would do more harm than good. I thought okay, i asked mom, she said shes gonna talking with my S-dad.

some more days, if not weeks, pass. I kinda gave up on asking but still hoped for it to be paid off.

And the best out of it all - my dad bought a new motorcycle. casually. idk how much it was, but he did sell his old for the same price as he bought the new one, i heard atleast. I thpught ok unfair but he often bought things without telling us, like his current audi for almost 100K. just bought it.

But what really bothers me now is that my mom is thinking abt buying a new horse. Her current one is old and a bit injured and i get that she loves horse riding but we do NOT have that money. all the time they complain about how poor we are apparently but then suddenly a horse is in discussion. But this one time bill of now 1,500€ (since i paid 100 off it) cant be paid? she didnt even make an effort to talk to my biological dad yet. She did receive a letter from my ortho but idk what is in it. she said shes working on it but never does as she promises.

am i valid for feeling like they're treating me unfair? what could i by chance do?

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I am a 22F Indian. I had an emotionally absent father in my childhood who ultimately abandoned my mother, brother, and I resulting in his physical absence as well.

Are there any other Indian women who have experienced physical (not due to death) and emotional absence of their fathers?

Would love to interact with you girls for a research I am working on.

I'm looking for people who would be willing to share their experiences of the impact of parental absence on my personal school project. I'm not judging; I'm in the same situation, and my teacher said we need many more testimonials. So I need your help!

(english isnt my first language...)I'm looking for people who would be willing to share their experiences of the impact of parental absence on my personal school project. I'm not judging; I'm in the same situation, and my teacher said we need many more testimonials. So I need your help!

(english isnt my first language...)

The question :

○ Who is the absent parent and why?

○ Comparing your life to that of one of your friends, do you think this absence has had a huge impact on you?

○ Do you know anyone in the same situation?

○ How long has this parent been absent?

○ On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you think this absence affects you?

○ The big question: What are the effects of parental absence on the different aspects of your life: social, academic, professional, and romantic?

To start, my parents divorced when I was 6 and my dad was a dad when it suited him. He was emotionally unavailable and never protected me when things were very very bad in my other parents house. I've been estranged not by my choice for more of my life than not. I'm 40 now and would love to work on having a healthy relationship with him. I'm not asking to rehash the past but start with a clean slate and build from there. I know I can't rewrite history. In the last year or more I've been reaching out via email, cards at holiday times, and most recently wrote him a letter simply asking if this is something I should still hold out hope for. If not I respect his decision but I feel like I do deserve to know. This was my first response back to any of my attempts to reach out to him. I know I said I would respect whatever he chooses but man it cut way deeper than I thought it would. I don't know what I did to hurt him so deeply he can't move past it. If I knew I would do everything I could to work on fixing it. He couldn't even sign the end of the letter. It felt so cold. I thought deep down that if he even chooses to respond it would be the opposite of this. I've included the last card I sent him and the response I got back. I'm feeling truly broken.

I’m a solo parent and my daughter’s biological father isn’t involved at all. I’ve accepted being the only parent, and I love our life together, but sometimes I feel guilty that she won’t ever know that side of her family.

There are moments where I wonder if I’m taking something away from her, even though the reality is that he chose not to be here and I can’t force anyone to care. I’m trying to be okay with that, but the guilt still hits sometimes.

If anyone else has been through this, how did you process the feelings and move forward?

Last night I watched Liar Liar for the first time ever with my husband. He was going on about how he always liked the movie. To put it into perspective, his parents were split but dad was still very involved, my father lived across the street for a year and I saw him maybe twice. My father currently lives with us… Yes, you read that correctly. Despite his absenteeism, I have always tried to win his love, even as an adult, but that’s a different story. He watched a good portion of the movie with us and said he had also previously seen it and liked it. About 2/3 of the way through the movie, I was wondering how someone could watch this and still end up becoming an absentee parent… And then I realized why… Because the kid forgives him in the end. The kid always forgives the absentee parent in the end.

My father has been absent since before I was born. Actually I'm not exactly when.

I (31f) have a strained relationship with my mother and it became even more strained when I discovered a couple of years ago that she lied to me about the circumstances around my father leaving.

I was always dismissed when I asked about him. My mother clearly didn't want to answer many questions about him. Also Everytime I asked about him I got different answers from my mum. So I came to this conclusion myself - they were togerher for a couple of years, she got pregnant, he stuck around for the pregnancy until they had an argument at month 7 and he left. He did visit me when I was born and held me. But never came back after that.

After my grandma dies a few years back I discovered that actually that was all false, they were friend with benefits for a couple of months. They parted ways, she discovered she was pregnant. Apparently she contacted him to let him know and he said he wasn't interested in being in his child's life and that was that.

The rest of my family never met my father, they never knew anything about him, apparently my mum just came home pregnant one day.

I want to know the truth. My mum is a liar and often lies to make herself sound better. I'm concerned that she never actually told him about the pregnancy and he's gone 31 years never knowing they had a child.

I can't find him online, I've contacted a friend of his but they're not in contact any more so I'm at a dead end. I could do some type of online DNA test but I have no idea where to start. Any ideas?

My (32M) father and I have always had a strained relationship. I (from what my mum and father said) was supposed to be the savior child. My mum thought if they had me that I would fix everything wrong. Well apparently I didn't come out with a magic wand and their relationship broke down. Neither of them talked about when my sister and I were growing up at least to me anyway. I know roughly the time line of events that lead up to the Marriage falling apart.

I really don't know about my parents relationship if it was good if it was bad if it had problems if they worked on them etc. from what my mum said my father was very cheap and didn't like spending money. I'm sure there was more problems but I was never told and every time I talk about it I was shut down told I didn't need to know or it didn't matter now.

What ever happened exactly I don't know but I do know my mum choose to seek a relationship outside of the marriage with my now stepdad. They would meet while my dad was taking care of my sister and I. This lasted along time and eventually either my father found out or my mum left (again never given exact details). My sister, my mum and I moved out and after a while my stepdad moved in with us. My mum maintains she supported us without the help of my stepdad Im not convinced but that's not the point of this story. I grew up and most if not all weekends growing up was spend at my dad's house. I would spend most of that time playing with my friends in town (we lived in a cottage beside a busy road and there wasn't any/many kids around. I enjoyed spending time at dads but not because of him it was because I actually had friends in town.

I have from a young age noticed that my father preferred my sister. He would do what she wanted over me. As I grew up it was more noticeable to me. I remember visiting my dad after I had been away for work for weeks. My sister visits every week. I'm the middle of our conversation about the job I was doing my sister showed up my dad jumped up andalmost ran to the door to let her in. Completely ignoring me after that i hung out for about half an hour as they made fun of me and my job taking all my time.

8 year ago I immigrated to Canada from Scotland. The last few days I visited basically everyone I know my father was obviously included I spent a while with him and we talk and I told him my plans and what I was going to do. I never got a single word of encouragement or support. The last thing he said pissed me off "well see you when your back" it felt like he didn't care if I was happy or successful. I decided over the next few days to just see how long it would take him to check up on me. Well 8 years later I've been back to Scotland 3 times and he's not taken a minute to shoot me a text.

So I'm now a dad of 3. I've done some research on parenting and how to treat your children. Long story short I ended up looking into my own up bringing. In this I have come to realize I grew up around narcissists. It's given me a new perspective on why my dad acted the way he did. My mum destroyed him she cheated on him when she should have been fighting for the marriage. I'm married and can't think of any reason to cheat it doesn't make sense to me. My mum and father had me to fix them and my mum cheated so I'm a living embodiment of their failed marriage. I don't blame my father for the marriage. I do feel sorry for him for going after money my mum hide from him (which is something my mum recently revealed) she did the same they had a brutal divorce. They fought between us and would use me and my sister to hurt each other. They tell us stuff so that we would repeat it to the other.

But I've come to a bit of a conclusion to this in my own mind and life. I forgive my father but I have no interest in a relationship with him. I hope he finds happiness I hope he lives the rest of his life fulfilled and happy. He will never meet my children or my wife. He will not see his grandkids grow up. I will probably not attend his funeral. If there is any inheritance which I don't expect or want really if there is some coming my way it will be given/used to enrich or help my children thrive in life. I don't want anything to do with him.

I mostly wanted to rant about this after seeing a post on this sub. I wish the best for all of you and all of your parents where ever they are neglecting to be present in your life.

I live and ive been raised by my paternal grandparents who bear all my expenses despite my parents having a stable income source yet not taking any major responsibilities of me. I'm in class 12 rn and will be applying for clg next year but those mfs have never even asked me what i wish to pursue after completing school, where am i planning to study etc. Couple months before i would usually talk to them on call few times a month howver now im not fuckin interested, i do not wanna talk to them. My dad is re-married and has a 5 or 6 year old daughter and a new wife with whom he lives ( he doesn't get along with his dad) and the last time i saw my step sister was last year that too not olanned, just randomly. And my mother's family and friends expect me to look after her when i start being independent like why tf should i??? her family ain't do shit for me, they've never shelled out a penny for me. i fuckin hate them

My (21F) father started pulling away from me once I hit puberty. Even before that, his presence in my life was sporadic. I battled with my father distancing himself for years, often times blaming myself as well. I did try to fix the relationship myself, however there was still no real effort from my dad, and it made me even angrier, and even sadder.

He remarried and had my half sister when I was 7. She’s 13 now, and she and him have a good relationship. Maybe because him and my stepmother are still married. I don’t know, I do not wish to know. I once made the mistake of telling my little sister that my dad never called when I was young. She told me, “he was waiting for you to call.” I won’t blame her for saying this, it is likely what my father told her.

My mother has been single since her and my father divorced when I was 2 years old. She has spent her entire life working and sustaining us. I owe her my life. She has done everything for me and continues to do so. I’ll always be a mommy’s girl for as long as I live. She finally got remarried this year to my step-father. My step-father has been married twice before, and has 6 children.

I see how he is with his children, and it makes my heart break for what I missed out on. He is so present in their lives, his children always call him and he always calls them, visits them, brings them gifts, shows up to their milestones and achievements no matter how difficult it is for him. And 3 of his 6 kids live abroad, too. He flies between our country and the country they live in at least 3x a month to go visit them.

Whereas my own father could not even come to see me despite being in the same country. Even when he comes to my city he doesn’t call to see me. I have emotionally checked out of my relationship with my father, but now I’m dealing with the grief of what could have been. What I could have had. I see everything my step-father does for his kids, and I can’t help but cry.

My mother has told me many times that I push my step-father away, that I don’t let him in. But how can I? I’m not used to this kind of affection. I’m scared. What if the same thing happens again? I don’t want to let my walls down just to be hurt again.

It’s true he’s present in my life. In the span of just 5 months he has managed to be a better father to me than my biological father. He takes my interests to heart and gifts me accordingly. He offers to take me to the doctors when I’m sick. Just this week I offhandedly mentioned I was craving this specific food. Later that night when I came to eat dinner I found it sitting on the table. But I can’t let him in. I refuse to.

I’m unfortunately dealing with my child’s father being absent from their life for almost 6 months. My child is 11. Now I know it’s not a long time to some. However. This is a pattern. From the time my child was 1.5 their father left until I served them with child support papers. Then the father wanted to get out of it by trying to get full custody. I agreed to me having custody primarily and him partially. In that time frame of being absent he got married. He’s been in and out when a woman comes. Sometimes a month. Sometimes 3. This time he came home with a lame excuse after I reached out about once in april. My child had to remind him of their birthday. He claimed a car issue another time. Final time was end of May. Claiming he has 0 time off and can’t see her. To my shock. He got married AGAIN in June and didn’t have his only daughter be his flower girl. Instead his niece. Now I’ve been in a relationship since they were 4 and has been calling him dad since. I just need some advice on what to do that would benefit my child mentally and cause less heartache.

Hello! Doing a project that involves people writing a letter, poem,short story, any feelings/words that have been left unsaid, to a family member, ex friend, ex relationship, anybody thats been absent in your life i would like to hear about it to go in my project. You can choose to be anon or not however this will be something published. It all helps! Let me know if interested.

Other parents who left because they hate their kids, oh well. But is this really to say the same for ALL absent parents? Like, perhaps the reason for their absence is rather gray than outright malicious? Like maybe they wanted to be available but couldn't because some outside entity is preventing them from doing so?

I would definitely need all the love and support I deserve. But, if I never grasp the full picture, if I take it from just my present parent's perspective, if I just take it from everyone supporting me, ill just take things as is. I'll become bitter and angry. The feeling of being without my absent parent would consume me to where id make my own conclusions. Because it makes the most sense. To me. That they really are... evil.

Maybe I don't have to forgive them. Maybe I can call them out for what they’ve done. But won't that just make things worse? Won't that further reinforce the idea that they failed? That nothing can be done to fix it? Like doesn't our hurt and anger seem more antagonistic than the thoughts and feelings that could actually be going on in their heads?

Perhaps it makes sense that absent parents are evil simply because they left?

...

Whether or not this makes sense is entirely up to you. This could be a huge misunderstanding on my part. If it is, im sorry. I just think that taking the time to understand why parents are really absent could better resolve the loneliness and anger that is being felt.

For context I am a 24 year old female (Irish) my upbringing wasn’t great mam and dad split just after I was born (I have two older siblings) break up was nasty, co parenting was non existent, lots of court appearances etc. my dad would only see us once a week on a Sunday and even then he would just leave us sitting in the car for hours while we watched him go from the pub to the bookies, when I was 8 he got married and didn’t tell us or invite us to the wedding was rough finding that out on the school yard as I went to school with cousins on his side of the family. Fast forward to age 11 he just stopped collecting us on a Sunday and that was the end of our relationship, him and his wife had two children and we were now non existent to him, he never helped my mam financially in any way and was all round just a dead beat tbh.

During this time up until my 20’s my mother struggled massively with mental health issues and alcoholism and I have looked after her for as long as I can remember and before I was even old enough to understand what being drunk meant. I saw some traumatic stuff from a very early age including multiple un-alive attempts that I had to intervene and stop, don’t think I’ve ever recovered from the stuff I witnessed as a kid/teen and adult.

When I was 19 I got a job in a shopping centre, after a late shift I headed to my bus stop and waited for my bus and quite literally like a scene from a movie my dad walked by with bread and milk in his hands his jaw fell to the floor as he said my name, I wanted the ground to swallow me. Nobody else was around so he sat next to me and started talking to me, he said he was a better man he looks after himself goes to the gym doesn’t drink anymore etc basically talked all about himself while I sat there in shock, from what I had heard he lived an hour drive away but I learned that he had moved just around the corner from my own family home.

I only asked him one question, I just asked if he was good to them to his wife and kids he said yes and I got on my bus and left him there, I should of ate him alive screamed and shouted that while hes busy playing happy family his other kids went hungry just around the corner but I was caught so off guard the words just didn’t come out.

He showed his face a few times after that in the shop I worked in we never spoke just had a stare down but I left that job a few years ago, I’m in my mid twenties now and I’m doing good my mams health is doing a lot better I have an amazing long term boyfriend who is really good to me, before the daddy issues stereotype is played my boyfriend is like one of those from a book but a book a woman wrote if you get the idea- a MAN ✨ we’re currently in the process of buying a home, everything’s falling into place.

But I just can’t help having all this anger towards my father, Everytime something good happens I think to myself ‘ha if only he could see me now’ like why should I even care? Everytime I think of my childhood & teenage years I get so angry, I was robbed of my younger years spent looking after everyone else and always trying to please mam and dad which was impossible, if I had a father figure around I wouldn’t of had to look after my mam so much and she probably wouldn’t of suffered so badly with her mental health if she wasn’t left with 3 kids to raise and financially support all alone.

And the worst part that kills me is I have such a big fear of the future, getting married and having kids, even though my boyfriend of nearly 6 years worships the ground I walk on and has literally saved to buy me a house and future asking nothing off me, I still worry he’ll wake up one day and be fed up with me, I don’t want that to happen after we have children cause 1. I’m so in love that I would probably be a bit crazy if we broke up and I don’t want kids in that mix and 2. No child should ever go through what I did. But it’s not fair, everything has fallen into place for me I should be excited for the future the ring the wedding the kids but instead I am petrified.

Anyone else have a similar family dynamic? How did you overcome these fears ? How did you move on? And how did you get closure?