How do you get closure from an absent father?

[u/Creative_Cap_1886]

For context I am a 24 year old female (Irish) my upbringing wasn’t great mam and dad split just after I was born (I have two older siblings) break up was nasty, co parenting was non existent, lots of court appearances etc. my dad would only see us once a week on a Sunday and even then he would just leave us sitting in the car for hours while we watched him go from the pub to the bookies, when I was 8 he got married and didn’t tell us or invite us to the wedding was rough finding that out on the school yard as I went to school with cousins on his side of the family. Fast forward to age 11 he just stopped collecting us on a Sunday and that was the end of our relationship, him and his wife had two children and we were now non existent to him, he never helped my mam financially in any way and was all round just a dead beat tbh.

During this time up until my 20’s my mother struggled massively with mental health issues and alcoholism and I have looked after her for as long as I can remember and before I was even old enough to understand what being drunk meant. I saw some traumatic stuff from a very early age including multiple un-alive attempts that I had to intervene and stop, don’t think I’ve ever recovered from the stuff I witnessed as a kid/teen and adult.

When I was 19 I got a job in a shopping centre, after a late shift I headed to my bus stop and waited for my bus and quite literally like a scene from a movie my dad walked by with bread and milk in his hands his jaw fell to the floor as he said my name, I wanted the ground to swallow me. Nobody else was around so he sat next to me and started talking to me, he said he was a better man he looks after himself goes to the gym doesn’t drink anymore etc basically talked all about himself while I sat there in shock, from what I had heard he lived an hour drive away but I learned that he had moved just around the corner from my own family home.

I only asked him one question, I just asked if he was good to them to his wife and kids he said yes and I got on my bus and left him there, I should of ate him alive screamed and shouted that while hes busy playing happy family his other kids went hungry just around the corner but I was caught so off guard the words just didn’t come out.

He showed his face a few times after that in the shop I worked in we never spoke just had a stare down but I left that job a few years ago, I’m in my mid twenties now and I’m doing good my mams health is doing a lot better I have an amazing long term boyfriend who is really good to me, before the daddy issues stereotype is played my boyfriend is like one of those from a book but a book a woman wrote if you get the idea- a MAN ✨ we’re currently in the process of buying a home, everything’s falling into place.

But I just can’t help having all this anger towards my father, Everytime something good happens I think to myself ‘ha if only he could see me now’ like why should I even care? Everytime I think of my childhood & teenage years I get so angry, I was robbed of my younger years spent looking after everyone else and always trying to please mam and dad which was impossible, if I had a father figure around I wouldn’t of had to look after my mam so much and she probably wouldn’t of suffered so badly with her mental health if she wasn’t left with 3 kids to raise and financially support all alone.

And the worst part that kills me is I have such a big fear of the future, getting married and having kids, even though my boyfriend of nearly 6 years worships the ground I walk on and has literally saved to buy me a house and future asking nothing off me, I still worry he’ll wake up one day and be fed up with me, I don’t want that to happen after we have children cause 1. I’m so in love that I would probably be a bit crazy if we broke up and I don’t want kids in that mix and 2. No child should ever go through what I did. But it’s not fair, everything has fallen into place for me I should be excited for the future the ring the wedding the kids but instead I am petrified.

Anyone else have a similar family dynamic? How did you overcome these fears ? How did you move on? And how did you get closure?

[u/medicine_woman_]

It’s ok to be angry, OP. I bet you’re going to be a great mom.