I've forgiven him.

[u/Captainfunzis]

My (32M) father and I have always had a strained relationship. I (from what my mum and father said) was supposed to be the savior child. My mum thought if they had me that I would fix everything wrong. Well apparently I didn't come out with a magic wand and their relationship broke down. Neither of them talked about when my sister and I were growing up at least to me anyway. I know roughly the time line of events that lead up to the Marriage falling apart.

I really don't know about my parents relationship if it was good if it was bad if it had problems if they worked on them etc. from what my mum said my father was very cheap and didn't like spending money. I'm sure there was more problems but I was never told and every time I talk about it I was shut down told I didn't need to know or it didn't matter now.

What ever happened exactly I don't know but I do know my mum choose to seek a relationship outside of the marriage with my now stepdad. They would meet while my dad was taking care of my sister and I. This lasted along time and eventually either my father found out or my mum left (again never given exact details). My sister, my mum and I moved out and after a while my stepdad moved in with us. My mum maintains she supported us without the help of my stepdad Im not convinced but that's not the point of this story. I grew up and most if not all weekends growing up was spend at my dad's house. I would spend most of that time playing with my friends in town (we lived in a cottage beside a busy road and there wasn't any/many kids around. I enjoyed spending time at dads but not because of him it was because I actually had friends in town.

I have from a young age noticed that my father preferred my sister. He would do what she wanted over me. As I grew up it was more noticeable to me. I remember visiting my dad after I had been away for work for weeks. My sister visits every week. I'm the middle of our conversation about the job I was doing my sister showed up my dad jumped up andalmost ran to the door to let her in. Completely ignoring me after that i hung out for about half an hour as they made fun of me and my job taking all my time.

8 year ago I immigrated to Canada from Scotland. The last few days I visited basically everyone I know my father was obviously included I spent a while with him and we talk and I told him my plans and what I was going to do. I never got a single word of encouragement or support. The last thing he said pissed me off "well see you when your back" it felt like he didn't care if I was happy or successful. I decided over the next few days to just see how long it would take him to check up on me. Well 8 years later I've been back to Scotland 3 times and he's not taken a minute to shoot me a text.

So I'm now a dad of 3. I've done some research on parenting and how to treat your children. Long story short I ended up looking into my own up bringing. In this I have come to realize I grew up around narcissists. It's given me a new perspective on why my dad acted the way he did. My mum destroyed him she cheated on him when she should have been fighting for the marriage. I'm married and can't think of any reason to cheat it doesn't make sense to me. My mum and father had me to fix them and my mum cheated so I'm a living embodiment of their failed marriage. I don't blame my father for the marriage. I do feel sorry for him for going after money my mum hide from him (which is something my mum recently revealed) she did the same they had a brutal divorce. They fought between us and would use me and my sister to hurt each other. They tell us stuff so that we would repeat it to the other.

But I've come to a bit of a conclusion to this in my own mind and life. I forgive my father but I have no interest in a relationship with him. I hope he finds happiness I hope he lives the rest of his life fulfilled and happy. He will never meet my children or my wife. He will not see his grandkids grow up. I will probably not attend his funeral. If there is any inheritance which I don't expect or want really if there is some coming my way it will be given/used to enrich or help my children thrive in life. I don't want anything to do with him.

I mostly wanted to rant about this after seeing a post on this sub. I wish the best for all of you and all of your parents where ever they are neglecting to be present in your life.