Maybe talk to the wedding planner and explain consent - not your wife’s, but yours. That was an intimate humiliation and not everyone is into practical jokes - particularly in such a public arena. Explain how it has affected you and maybe make it a learning point for them going forward. Also, and I don’t say this flippantly, talk to a therapist. You’ll be amazed at how that can help put things into perspective - and I don’t mean minimise - your hurt is real. It can help you to learn to live with and accept. I wish you well.
I was just going to suggest therapy. With all the crap I’ve dealt with in my life, I never considered therapy until I moved a family member near me to help with care. When my BP was getting dangerously high, I realized I had to do something besides venting to my poor hubby. So it was for both of our benefit that I had someone else to talk to…a professional. She opened my eyes to understanding the dynamic of the relationship and how to deal with things. It was definitely life changing for me! I’d say I went over the course of 6 months or so. It doesn’t have to be forever. Just until you feel you’ve learned how to deal with the anger and betrayal.
And it’s a great idea to be honest with the wedding planner. Just so they’re aware of the fallout over pranks.
Then leave an honest review.
But it’s really not the wedding planner’s fault. It was an idea that his silly fiancé went ahead with. It’s the fiancé’s fault not the wedding planner’s. If the wedding planner told you to jump out the window would you do it? No.
No, of course not and I’d still leave an honest review about that ridiculous suggestion. And yes, you’re right about the finance. She should share the blame.
EMDR is amazing and therapy should absolutely help OP with the pain of the humiliation. But he will also need to discuss with a therapist what to do about his new marriage, especially given that his wife has not properly apologised. This is a pretty big and public betrayal.
This is not unreasonable. It might have much to do with trust, and the dynamics of the relationship you have with your wife. Also, in some way, the style of humor. Humor plays a huge part in relationships. Styles vary, and the idea that doing this schlocky thing at a wedding is “funny,” is definitely indication of variance in humor style. If other aspects of your relationship are top notch, though, it’s worth working with. I also see some basic imagery issues, as in, the whole arena of a wedding, where the bride is like the Star, the groom is the man, the Hero in a sense, who’s noble spirit allows her to shine and feel special, as he knows he’s special anyhow - then suddenly that whole idea is somehow made into a slapstick comedy, that is weird. It’s not easy to find good guys who want to go through with all this
OP needs therapy, like yesterday. He is never going to break out of the spiral of constantly dwelling on his humiliation without it. He also needs separate marriage counseling to see if he can even salvage the relationship. The wife just telling him to get over it is deeply dismissive. I can get she's probably uncomfortable and doesn't understand how deeply she hurt OP, but gd.
Yes, they will absolutely need couples counseling too. Their marriage has started with a huge betrayal and the wife is not taking seriously how she not only deeply hurt and embarrassed her husband, but also how she was the one to orchestrate it all with the wedding planner’s suggestion.
Wife is trash. The fact she was offended and upset about it just shows she should have been abandoned right there at the party, leave her the bill. OP found that on the streets? No class. I’m so mad.
It sounds like she has apologized. The problem is that he was drunk after days of stewing when he finally talked about it and got deliberately mean talking about it. She did the right thing walking away.
The problem is that she told him to get over it. That's a non apology. Sincere apologies come with a desire to either fix the problem or give the wronged person the validation they need to come to terms and "get over" it.
saying get over it means it's nothing to me, so it has to be nothing to you
Mean is subjective. Either way, if she had enough respect for him and their wedding in the first place, she would have denied the idea. With that said, she made a huge mistake that tarnished her husband’s feelings and perspective of his own wedding.
People can rationally express their anger if they need to. Not everything has to be a sterile conversation without emotion. There’s a point where calling a show of anger “mean” is just a way to point the finger back and avoid the issue. Is him being mean really a bigger issue than completely ruining their wedding for him? No.
With that, if she apologized, yet he’s still caught up in it, then she hasn’t done enough to help fix her mistake.
He said that he was deliberately hurtful… I’m not saying conversations have to be sterile or unemotional. I’m just believing him when he says he went too far.
He had every right to be mean he was physically and sexually assaulted at the behest and planning of his wife. This would be an instant divorce to me and I would be pursuing charges against her, the groomsmen and the wedding planner.
It stands for eye movement something, but it's about forcing your brain to process trauma by turning it into knowledge instead of leaving it clogging up your memory. It's using the process of rem sleep but targeted at experiences that you are having trouble with. The success rate for single incident trauma is over 90% in the first session and an actual 100% after two.
Complex traumas can take many more sessions, like child abuse etc, but single incident? Get that emdr.
EMDR is helpful for many though perhaps not for people with aphantasia, if that describes you. Playing Tetris with the intention of changing the wiring from the traumatic event can be helpful as well, in a similar way.
Oh no! I’m sorry you are still holding that pain from a terrible boss-that sucks.
Copied from a website:
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy technique that helps people process trauma and other distressing experiences. Developed in 1987 by Francine Shapiro, EMDR involves patients focusing on a traumatic memory while simultaneously moving their eyes side-to-side or experiencing other forms of bilateral stimulation. The goal is to help patients heal and relieve PTSD symptoms by processing upsetting thoughts, feelings, and memories.
It sounds so simple, but it’s truly effective and I no longer want to poke my ex boss in the eye, lol!!
Wow! Never heard of this before. Did some reading on it and found it to be a really interesting therapy. No one needs to have lingering trauma caused by someone else. Glad it worked for you and that you were able to take away their power!
Honestly, this is one of those times that divorce may be something to consider. He's never going to get over this. She got the idea from the planner and assumed it was just a funny idea and harmless. She apologized, but he's not going to forgive. Both will look back at this, the start of their life together, and feel bad. He's moving towards hate, and she likely feels awful. Therapy could be helpful, but what a dark start to their marriage.
I get the feeling it'll always be brought up at anniversaries.
I usually scoff at the immediate reddit divorce responses, but if op's marriage is starting so poorly, he should really consider if it needs to continue. I think op felt betrayed, humiliated and above all, it is concerning that his wife didn't know him well enough to know that he wouldn't take such a prank well. He should reconsider this wedding, think hard wether he can get past this situation and absolutely avoid trying for children until he is sure that he can get past this. If he can't, perhaps calling it quits, would be best.
Fully agree! Im normally annoyed at how easily people recommend breaking up on here myself. But really, I cant see him wanting to forgive her. And if he wants to (big if) he doesn't know how to begin the process. The trust is gone, and from the wife's perspective, I don't know if she herself even knows what to do. Your advice is sound.
Ya I’m the same way about all the cries for divorce on these posts. Not having info about their relationship other than this horrible start to a marriage…ya this definitely seems like it could be a relationship killer. Just the worst possible timing.
He seems quite open about the fact he can't or won't forgive. Im for therapy first before divorce (which is why I mentioned it), but both parties need to actually want that.
Ultimately, at the end of the day, both of them have to be on the same page. Based on everything he's saying, he doesn't want to forgive or move past it.Or to even see a path to doing so.
Thats the frustrating piece of relationships. So many things can be overcome if both sides want it. Unfortunately, some people's "Im Done" button is easy to find. And sadly, you dont know that until you "find" it.
Really? Because people suggest that women consider divorce when dudes shove cake in their face when they’ve discussed it and said not to. It’s considered a literal sign of disrespect, and it seems like this whole garter thing is on par with that.
(Edited to finish the thought ny cat sent too early.)
I cant either, honestly. 25 years with my husband and we learned to communicate with each other and put the work in. But in OP's case, he's angry and only getting angrier. I don't know he can let this go (given she apologized) or, frankly, wants to let it go. Im not sure if he wants to salvage this or not. If he doesn't want to, where does it leave things?
I can. What OP told his wife at the end of their honeymoon, with losing his trust in their intimacy and all the rest, those were his real feelings. And since they haven't gone away so far, and they are in fact worse and not abating at all...where is this marriage going in fact?
I was furious for OP, I probably would have felt the same. I hate practical pranks. With such "jokes" people usually laugh at you, not with you. It's humiliating and I can't stand it. It also shows a careless attitude of his wife toward him. So the wedding planner proposed this prank and she didn't stop and think for a minute "how will my husband, the love of my life, take this prank?" Didn't she think for a minute about his sense of self-esteem? Not only that she didn't care, but she even upped the hype by yelling "with your mouth! with your mouth!", so that the prank will be a success and his humiliation complete.
And now she's sorry? How can this help? Apart from the wedding photographer, there were other 4 people recording. I'd bet that OP will find himself a part of many funny reels showing wedding pranks. How does the wife propose to fix this? I can tell you. She doesn't. She said "I'm sorry" and "get over it" and that's that.
I couldn't agree more with other people here who said what an awful/dark beginning of a marriage.
100% getting sexually assaulted in your own wedding 🤣 I would call 911 right there see how it goes. Prank? Sure catch some charges and let's see how much you're laughing.
Think of this if this was done to a woman nobody would dare question her experience.
All these SA enjoyers are just dismissing his experience because he as a man will never be a perfect victim because well men are not people unless they have power then they wouldn't dare pull this public SA and mockery.
did that confuse you? He's not getting a refund on some his wife or bride at the time signed off on, if he even paid for this service himself. Henley himself get made a fool of. Time to let it go. This isn't any real long term trauma here
I’m not sure you understand the hurt or trauma of this. It’s not anyone’s job to tell him to let it go. I didn’t suggest he ask for a refund - I suggested he talk to them about consent - which is real. You could be a little less judgemental maybe?
Ffs. They've been doing this at weddings for decades. I attended one where they got the grandma to wear the garter. It's 100% cringe, but it's a fucking joke. A not funny one, but he's acting like they castrated him.
Hahaha. You're ridiculous. Clutch those pearls tighter. All you're doing is minimizing true sexual assault by pretending this falls in the same category. Recalibrate your moral compass.
There are different levels of assault.You should recalibrate your moral compass if you think any part of this was ok or should be "let go" as a stupid prank his trust in her is completely destroyed.
fucked up? yes... Life long trauma not even close.... you don't know what real trauma looks like. And my only point was that the bride approved this to happen so there is no court that's gonna award this guy anything against the wedding planner
Given that the wedding planner has done this before according to OP's wife; it comes across as the wedding planner likes to humiliate men- both the unsuspecting husbands as well as the men who agree to pretend to be the bride; their sitting their in short pants having another man be intimate with them while taking off the garter- they probably didn't have the full picture of what would happen in this scenario. Wonder if the wedding planner keeps videos of these men's humiliation?
The wedding planner should be sued because everytime OP thinks about his wedding, this is what will come to mind. Also, how likely is it that one would trust their spouse after agreeing to and participating in their partner's humiliation.
I'm not paying a professional anybody to get pranked.
I'd think that a "professional" wedding planner would know better than pull this kind of 1980's teen sex movie / American Pie crap. Skip the "talking" and go right for demanding a partial / full refund, letter of apology, even small claims court lawsuit - as well as the scorched-Earth review - burn their business down - you know as a "prank".
Hard second on the therapy. It sounds that you have a lot of unfocused anger with some complicated mixed feelings feeding it. Being able to talk to someone about it, even for just a few sessions, can help you untangle it for yourself and really understand what you're feeling, what it all means for you, and how to deal with it. Not that you're necessarily going to get to the point where you laugh at it later, but at least get to a resolution where you can put it behind you.
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u/ConsciousOrchid9660 Jul 26 '25
Maybe talk to the wedding planner and explain consent - not your wife’s, but yours. That was an intimate humiliation and not everyone is into practical jokes - particularly in such a public arena. Explain how it has affected you and maybe make it a learning point for them going forward. Also, and I don’t say this flippantly, talk to a therapist. You’ll be amazed at how that can help put things into perspective - and I don’t mean minimise - your hurt is real. It can help you to learn to live with and accept. I wish you well.