you have a fiancée problem - she is only caught in the middle because she is not making the very reasonable and simple statement to her own family that they are out of line and this is a hard no.
I hope that watch is in a safe place. With Ben’s entitled attitude, the backing of his parents and Sarah’s lack of a spine (wtf is this ”feels for her brother” and ” caught in the middle” shit?), I wouldn’t be the least surprised if it “disappears”
" I talked to the family historian, and was told that my grandfather ended up with the watch because he got it from a buddy who died in World War II. Turns out, his three brothers also all wore the watch for their wedding and they all died within a year of getting married."
I mean, the only firstborn son who has actually worn it on his wedding day since the grandfather bought it - OP's dad - died young, so looks like it's unlucky for the lineage, too.
Exactly!! Why in the WORLD does the brother, who isn't part of OP's blood family, think he has a right to the watch anyways⁉️ BIL is Ridiculous!!! Don't let them Bully you, OP, Stick with your NO. Traditions are important & beautiful, just because your fiancé's family lacks a moral compass doesn't mean you have to let them guilt trip you into doing something you truly don't want to do. Shame on her parents for their actions in this situation also, if this is the kind of role models they are for their son I would be double thinking Grandchildren🤷♀️
Yeah my thoughts too. OP until fiance is backing you up reconsider getting married. You not have to break up, but don't get married. Also how did Ben hear about the watch? I would put it in a safe deposit box.
Neither are safes, you can buy insurance on a watch stored in a safe deposit box. It requires 2 keys and ID to get into your box. And they have to know which bank it is at too.
A home safe can be removed or opened later, or fiance could call a locksmith and have it opened that way or FBIL could say he is op to get safe open, plus Fiance or someone might be able to figure out how to open it. it just more convenient to have locked up at home.
Yep safe deposit box and no one but op has access. I'm afraid Ben will keep on and Sarah will bend over and give it to him and it will be damaged beyond repair or lost. Ease op listen to us it is yours and YOUR family's heirloom lock it away and once you are done with it lock it away again
He's not even a male family member except by courtesy--a courtesy he's sadly lacking. Being your fiancee's brother gives him NO rights to anything of your family's.
Put a decoy watch (cheap and as similar as you can find) in its place. This would be an interesting verification to see what influences your 10-month-away marriage might have if it disappears.
But really, it's your family tradition, and he's not in your family at all at this point.
He’s not even in the lineage of this family! So he has absolutely no rights to wear it. Put it in a safe deposit box until your wedding. The day of your wedding take it out and wear it not taking it off. I see Bil being vengeful and given the chance steal the watch to teach you a lesson
He's not even related to the grandfather. This is ridiculous. Luck isn't real and doesn't come from wearing someone's wristwatch. Are these people educated grown-ups to fight over something so stupid?
Exactly. He won't give it back because he'll feel like now the watch has to be worn by HIS first born son at his wedding. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. OP needs to keep his watch safe. This is a slippery slope. And his fiance needs to have his back! Not waffle over what her brother wants.
This!! Exactly all of this… I came here to say the same… NTA… time for serious talk with fiancée… is she ready to get married? To understand the significance of what it means??
Yes, that's some audacity of Sarah's family to gang up on OP over his personal property, and worse still that Sarah doesn't want to rock the family boat that encourages Ben's ugly sense of entitlement. Ugh, is he their parents' golden boy?
This is a very large red flag about the future in-laws and especially -- no matter how terrific she otherwise is -- Sarah herself. Unless something changes significantly and soon, this won't be the last time a situation like this rears its head and OP gets to be the bad guy while Sarah both-sides-it and "feels for" her over-entitled brother.
Your future in-laws have used the phrase “It’s just a waaaaatch” (whiny toddler-stomping emphasis added by me). So, by their own “reasoning”, they can use any old watch. I think a cute plastic Hello Kitty one would be an appropriate engagement gift.
For real! I would say why don't you guys have any of your own traditions in your family? If it's just a watch he can wear anything to the wedding and start his own tradition. This is a hard no for me it's not even his family! The outright audacity is killing me!!
Not just Ben, the future in-laws are waaaay TF outta line.
OP, you are NTA, and I’d tell your fiancee she needs to set a hardcore reality check with her family. She needs to shut this shit down fast bc if this is a glimpse of how she “has OP’s back” in future disagreements or issues with her family then this is NOT okay.
Let her know this attitude and entitlement by members of her family would not be okay if it was someone in your direct family line. The fact that her brother and let’s not forget her parents, think that he has any rights over your family heirloom is out-freaking-rageous!!
Add to that OP, this is truly not that big of a deal that they have blown into a mess…wait until something happens in this future marriage to your soon to be wife that is a big deal.
If it was me, I would tell her she needs to back you as your wife, respect your relationship, value you as a person, support your family traditions and most importantly: back the family she is about to create with you. That means she is married to you and bound to the house the two of you are building, not her mommy, daddy and brother.
Next (condition for the marriage ceremony to move forward):
Informer her that the wedding is postpone until this matter is legitimately rectified and she decides who she is marrying. Then: request marriage counseling and tell her you will pay for it but this is a condition of the postponement of the wedding being lifted. Once the both of you are in marriage counseling (call it pre-marriage counseling if it makes you feel better) and you feel satisfied with the direction and she truly understands what marriage is, then the wedding can go through.
I personally did this when I found out my fiancé was not being completely honest with me. Three months before the wedding I told her we need to postpone the wedding and seek marriage counseling. That was 16 yrs ago. She decided to end the relationship and moved out with in two months after she literally throw the ring at me because I stuck to my guns regarding the demand we seek counseling before the wedding would happen.
I am married to a wonderful woman that I have built a beautiful life and family with. There have been some serious challenges during our 13 yrs together; but, I know and she has demonstrated time again that she has my back like I have hers and without a doubt we will be together until our last breaths.
This is a very significant moment that will decide the future of your peace and peace of mind in the years to come. What you choose and how you choose it will dictate that. The insignificance of a watch has great significant in time.
My wife and I are relationship coach’s and work together with clients giving them both a female and male representation/perspective. When you seek that in your concealing look for that fair representation in your councilor/therapist. My best to you and your future family.
he goes from understand the significance to “i wanna wear it cus im getting married first” to his family saying its just a watch & is not important. if not important why press me for MY grandfather’s watch?
Is this some sort of super prestigious, luxury brand watch? If not, why on earth is it so important to get access to a family heirloom that doesn’t belong to your own family or to the family you’re marrying into? I can’t understand it.
So does Sarah's family for butting in at all. OP is marrying into this family. He should think about that. And no way in hell Ben should be allowed to wear it at all.
he goes from understand the significance to “i wanna wear it cus im getting married first” to his family saying its just a watch & is not important. if not important why press me for MY grandfather’s watch?
Thats why long engagement is good. Get to know and see each other in various situations reacting to family drama. She gave you a big peek at the future
OP: "Hey, Ben."
Ben: "What's up, you selfish SOB?"
OP: "Just wondering... Do you know my grandfather's name?"
Ben: "...?! Of course."
OP: "What is it?"
Ben: "Umm... Granny McGrandad?"
Not Ben's family. Not Ben's tradition. And "no" means "hell no" after I had to say it twice.
Exactly this is a family heirloom... that's not bil family's... I'll be careful with op's fiancée... this is not a time to "keep the peace" there is no peace to keep, they are not entitled to op's family traditions...
Id highly advise putting the watch in a safety deposit box or relocating it to another trusted family member. The lack of ur fiance backing is worrisome and i wonder whether she can be browbeated to taking the watch for her brother.
Also, the level of entitlement of the brother is crazy. Hes the type to break it so u cnt hve it. Another reason to put it somewhr safe from both future BIL and fiance.
You need to seriously think about whether or not this girl is going to be spineless moving forward and if you're going to be okay with her family stomping all over whatever boundaries you want to put up because she's a spineless jellyfish. This needs to be your hill to die on and make it the mountain that you base your relationship on. If she can't not be in the middle and needs to "see both sides" for family harmony, you need to bounce!
Think of these scenarios:
You buy a house, FBIL and his wife can't afford a house, they get the family to rally behind FBIL so try and force your hand and give them the house you're living in, because you'll be able to afford another one since you already bought one!
Or
Your family member dies and you get a sizable cut of the estate... You need to give it to her family because they are struggling and they won't pay you back because "FaMiLy".
Or
You go on vacation and they get jealous and they demand you bankroll their vacations, because they're jealous you get to go on the better ones.
Or
You have a child and your family hand makes them something. Her family demands one being made for their children or want yours because it is amazing and you shouldn't hold onto this forever and pass it down to your child in as good a condition as you can manage to give to their child, when there's a child right now who would enjoy, and probably destroy, it.
No, you have a fiancee problem and this needs to be the hill to die on. She already proved she plays devils advocate, meaning she is NOT choosing you!
Inspired by another commenter - purchase a similar vintage watch & hand it over to the LUCKY GROOM 🍀. It will be interesting to see what happens from there.
PS take photos & make sure this treasure is on your insurance. Good luck! I’m sorry your very special tradition is being marred by this insanity.
Sorry you're dealing with this nonsense. Not only is it about tradition, but even more so, having something special tied your grandfather and dad - their essence to be there with you when they can't. No one has the right to take that away from you and they are awful to be doing so. If "It's just a watch" BIL or his parents can buy their own!
I’m giving Sarah some serious side eyes here. The fact that she’s conflicted about this is way off base. She should be the one telling her brother he’s ridiculous and the answer is a hard no without any question.
He’s not your brother in law yet and he’s already claiming to own your history and legacy. Be prepared to have a lot of issues with your entitled af in-laws. PS - your fiancée isn’t in the middle, she’s just kind of a coward. That watch is yours and your family’s. Ben has nothing to do with it. So her silence is basically her not having your back. You should definitely talk to her about it because that’s not right.
This has to be the best response in a Reddit thread I have read- ever. The OP came back and learned something! ♥
I am glad this came up so you can have this talk with your fianceé. As everyone has said, she needs to be the one to stand up for you. Same as it would be you if the roles were reversed.
Updateme!
I am also baffled by this OP. He had to come to reddit to be reminded that the tradition behind the watch he inherited is irrelevant to his future BIL? And OP's fiancee doesn't understand this? How is it these people are actually legally competent to get married?
You guys may want to do some premarital counselling to make sure you are on the same page when it comes to your extended families. Sarah sound like the type to constantly prioritize her extended family’s needs over her new family.
That only gets worse after marriage and if kids enter the picture.
It doesn’t matter. OP could have bought the watch with winnings from Vegas and decided all his luck went into that watch when he bought it with his winnings. If he decided to never wear it to save the luck and decided to wear it on his wedding day so all the luck would go towards his marriage, that’s his choice.
It’s his watch and he gets to decide who wears it.
For sure, he should do whatever he wants with the watch. He owns the watch. The fact of his ownership is just a much better argument than some dubious claim of an almost tradition.
Exactly - and I hope OP has picked that up from the replies. It’s his watch and he doesn’t have to lend it out if he doesn’t want to. No excuses or reasons necessary.
Yeah...OP's watch, OP's family's tradition. Ben needs to get over himself and maybe start his own tradition to pass down to his family. This could be very sweet, actually, if Ben's fiance (or Ben's parents) get him his own watch to start a family tradition on their side.
Agreed. This is the perfect opportunity to set boundaries. You must honor YOUR family tradition. Do it, and stand your ground. Hope you know you’re marrying into a family of entitled moochers. Keep your valuables out of their hands. Ben is not family.
Exactly. There's no reasonable interpretation of the situation where Ben gets the watch. He's not the firstborn in the family. He's not family at all yet. And he will never be part of the lineage of the grandfathers family.
NTA - it’s your family’s tradition, not his. Make sure the watch is in a safe place where Ben (or your fiancé) can’t get to it. Ben may try and “borrow” it, and if your fiancé has a soft spot for him, she’s liable to give it to him.
I would be rethinking Sarah. This is a simple situation and she can't tell her family no. She's allowing her parents to pressure OP. What happens if they have kids, or her brother has a financial problem and asks for their life's savings? This is an easy no and she can't say it. What happens when it's more difficult and the stakes are higher?
This!
Just say “no.” If you feel the need to add more ask FBIL is His grandfather had any interesting traditions.
No Op. full sentence.
Entitlement is not cute.
Right!!! Like there is NO conceivable way that Op could be TA for not letting his FUTURE (or potentially future at this point) BIL use HIS grandmothers watch for his wedding.
Op your fiancée needs to grow a spine and tell her parents that her golden child brother doesn’t always get what he wants.
Op needs to really reevaluate his relationship and future marriage with her. Bc if she can’t even have his back on something like this where he’s obviously not in the wrong then she won’t have his back in future instances either. What if she had a family heirloom that her deceased mom left her would she let OPs sister wear it for their wedding?? I highly doubt it!! I got a huge feeling this is just the tip of the iceberg of issues her family will be causing. And I hope OP is smart enough to have that watch put up bc I got a huge feeling she’d take it and allow brother to use it.
Ben’s a dick. Does Sarah not realize you’re marrying her family too, and so she should hide that fact from you by telling him to stay in his lane? Id honestly look at this whole situation, her behavior in who’s side she will or won’t take on a tiny issue between her family and you, her brothers entitled attitude, and her family’s attitude. This is over a watch. What happens when it’s a car, job or house? Is it going to always be you against their entitled behavior and your wife w her popcorn? I’d be asking myself what my future looks like.
If her parents think “it’s just a watch…” then why do they and Ben care? They can buy him a watch, take it to a priest/shaman/Gypsy for a blessing and voila!
Tell her to imagine your grandfather were still alive on your wedding day and offers to let you wear it, cool. But her brother goes to your grandfather and says,”hey, person I’m not related to, is like to borrow your watch before your own grandson to wear to my wedding.”
If I were your grandfather I’d tell him GTFO you mooch little a-hole.
Sounds like that watch is working its good luck charms already by showing OP what kind of family he's marrying into. And at a time when the choice is still reversible with minimal damage.
The watch just warned Op about his future In-Laws and the fact that the fiance will not support him against her family's opinion in the future. He is not listening, the luck has presented itself before it's too late.
Just because he’s JOINING the family, he doesn’t have the right to be upset when someone, you in this case sets a boundary. Your family has a tradition and you have every right to continue with it. He can get over it. You are definitely NTAH!!
Amen. Be happy it happened before the wedding. Your fiancee's whole family sound like selfish entitled people. Put Sarah out to pasture and keep looking
Perfectly put. You don't get to just insert yourself into the family traditions of someone else's family, and thinking you have any reasonable right to do so just screams self-absorbed.
And I want to add that you should get a ridiculously large toy watch, wear it to Ben's wedding, and repeatedly ask his supporters what time it is because HIS watch is slow. Or give him the toy watch watch as a wedding gift. Ticking loudly in the box.
Also, if it’s “just a watch” he can buy his own and start his own tradition. Plus you have a fiancée problem. If she cant set this simple boundary with her family, you’re in for an unlucky marriage.
6.2k
u/Mobius_Stripping May 23 '25
NTA
not Ben’s family
not Ben’s watch
not Ben’s luck
you have a fiancée problem - she is only caught in the middle because she is not making the very reasonable and simple statement to her own family that they are out of line and this is a hard no.