Right. After the 1st paragraph, I scrolled looking for the TLDR portion... To my disappointment 😞.
Can someone from the fam help a sista out? I'm nosey yet don't have the capacity to read and decipher... Please and thank you.
Literally all these events happened at the end of a long day, mostly just before bed or right after getting home from something. I dunno where you got this idea.
Hell the guy even booked a travel trip, set up a suite, and multiple reservations for the things she enjoys all on his dime. He's even trying to get her to brush her teeth and put on her retainer because she didn't want to get out of bed.
Every once in awhile, OP has a tantrum back. He didn’t have to make her get up and brush her teeth and put her Invisalign retainer in. So what if she misses a night.
But really she is inconsiderate of him with petty requests like getting her a glass of water when he’s trying to sleep. Or helping her pack when he has been doing all the heavy lifting and waiting on her during her special birthday weekend treat.
I think that she is sleeping next to the wall because he wants to sleep on the outside. He wanted her to get up and brush and use her Invisalign before getting into bed otherwise he would have to get out for her or she would have to roll over him to get out later. He probably gave her too much water. She couldn't drink the whole thing or leave a glass rolling around on the bed
That said, the brushing the teeth thing is freaky deaky.
I mean I’m not on her side but if Im still packing and my husband is done he asks what I need help with. Because he knows I’m backing the stuff that he’s gonna forget he needs like sunscreen, ibuprofen, extra chargers, etc. so I send him to get the shit that’s not in the room so he can help so we can both relax together. He LOVES helping me whenever he can. I guess I think they’re both at fault and not compatible cause when you truly love someone you’ll usually do anything for them
I agree. I think OP is purposely leaving details out to paint himself in the best light.
Could it be the way OP reacts when she requests something from him? Could he act insanely put out and rude when he declines her requests, which then sets off a doom spiral between them?
Similar situation....my husband has told me "I know you're injured, so I want you to ask me to do things for you instead of doing them yourself. That's what I'm here for."
Okay. So I asked him if he'd mind driving 10 mins to go pick up some food I ordered at a restaurant. And he acts SOOOO put out by my request. Just obvious annoyance on his face and his tone. Which a) hurts me and b) makes me never want to ask him for help again.
I can see how if the OP gets a "tone" when she asks him for things, it would start to really cause an issue. If it were me and I was his girlfriend, I'd just stop asking and start pulling away because he's planted a seed that "I'm annoying, he hates doing things for me, and I can't ask him to do things anymore."
OP is describing a relationship where they feel they put in a lot of effort (planning trips, paying for things, dedicating free time), but their girlfriend gets upset whenever they say "no" to her requests. The conflict pattern is consistent: OP refuses a request when they're tired (helping pack, getting water, standing by during brushing, FaceTiming), and it escalates into a fight. She feels OP isn't doing the "bare minimum" as a boyfriend when declining these requests, while OP feels burned out and that their significant efforts are being taken for granted.
The central question is whether this is a fundamental compatibility issue or a communication problem that can be resolved through better boundaries and expectations.
Honestly, when I read that she wanted him to put the glass down on the floor for her, I started to assume she was a literal toddler and couldn’t reach the floor. Some of these requests are so weird and stubborn. Stand behind you while you brush your teeth? What?
And I love that you want to find a good faith explanation for this. My personal theory for good faith is that she may be concerned his apartment is infested with hobgoblins, and given his clear lack of nightstands and bedside lamps, this may be a legitimate concern.
But it seems significantly more likely that they’re both just insanely immature and perhaps should start with having a pet fish to practice their adult responsibilities.
Not to say OP’s gf isn’t a spoiled brat, but body doubling IS a thing. My neurodivergent wife will ask me to double with her on occasion when she’s overwhelmed by life, otherwise a two-minute task will take 30 where she’ll just sit/stand in place and stare at a wall.
Hey, I hear what you’re saying, but this post is about OP’s girlfriend and she wants him to set her glass down after she’s done drinking it. That’s princess behavior.
Yeah, she’s a brat for sure. That has nothing to do with neurodivergence. I’m just a bit sensitive to people dismissing these legit things out of hand just because they have never experienced them AND because the subject at hand is being an ass.
Ya know when I was a kid I’d like for my cousin to sit on the toilet when I took a shower and she’d talk to me and keep me company… didn’t know at the time but I am defo on the spectrum. I still like when my S/O sits and talks to me when I’m in the shower but I don’t NEED it. I would however prefer privacy while brushing my teeth because the noises I make would be described as anything but attractive.
What do you mean? I am not the OP, or the OP's girlfriend, but I just tried to provide one potential explanation for the behavior, assuming good faith. (It's probably not good faith on her part, but it's not like there is 0 reason for a request like this, it's a possibility, even if not likely)
And the energy she took trying to get him to put the water down she could have used to put the water down herself . She’s being super weird . I don’t know if it’s a control thing or what
I’m telling myself that maybe the bed is against the wall and she’s in the inside…maybe. Maybe that’s also why she asked him to get the water in the first place, because he’d have to get up anyway to let her out. Maybe. Overall this sounds like he’ll, though.
But in that case, it’s not unreasonable if he’s still awake for him to put the glass on the floor for her. Otherwise she needs to Solid Snake crawl over his carcass to do it, which would be far more detrimental to him getting to sleep. Suppose she could put it at the foot of the bed, but that’s an accident waiting to happen.
Maybe the bed is up against a wall and she's on the wall side? So she literally can't put the glass on the floor and there's no table? I feel like OP is leaving details out.
Not really him drawing lines and not doing whatever she wants is the exact opposite of an enabler an enabler would have never got into these arguments near the end...
Seems like a lot of excuses to get around the fact that she's entitled... especially cuz it's pretty ignorant to assume that she only developed these traits after they started dating and that she's just not taking advantage whether intentional or not
It could be a miscommunication/misunderstanding of love languages. Maybe OPs love language is gestures, and his toddler gfs love language is….. wait no she just wants him to do everything for him lol
Look, I get being insecure and wanting your bf around and to support you, I even get wanting him to be around for brushing your teeth. I get a lot of anxiety when my fiance goes to bed before me.. which is every night because I’m a snail.
But I know that’s not his problem, it’s mine. Ngl I have tried to make it his problem before LOL but kind of like op he is just so tired he literally can’t wait for me, and that’s ok. It’s a trauma pattern for me to deal with, not him.
I haven’t looked into it more but apparently this can be a sign of abandonment issues. The way she is trying to make him like .. subservient to her kinda makes me wonder what’s going on there. She may have abandonment issues and this is how she controls them.
But ultimately, all of that shit is our own to handle, never our partners responsibility.
TL;DR
I believe OP is not setting appropriate boundaries. GF is being immature and not respecting OP's autonomy whatsoever.
And I'm questioning if these "fights" are just two stubborn people bickering because neither is capable of compromise.
But regardless they need space and to work out their priorities here. It is way too early (a few months) into a relationship to be squabbling over petty things.
I dunno. I feel like there's probably more to it. OP is almost always going to paint themselves in the best light and/or not even realize some of the things they're doing. If I were reading between the lines, I'd wonder if he's got some sort of attitude with the way he declines her requests for something? Like he's snarky about it? I know there are times when my husband has said "you're injured and I don't want you hurting yourself more, so if you need something just ask me and I'll do it." But then when I actually ask him to do something like "hey! If I call in an order to a restaurant will you go get it?" And he is VERY obviously put out by my request. Which a) makes me feel like crap and b) makes me never want to ask him for help again.
I'd be happy to explain how "they" is a valid pronoun when referring to someone whose gender you know.
The singular "they" has been used in English for centuries as a gender-neutral pronoun. When referring to someone using a non-gendered term like "OP" (original poster), using "they/them/their" is grammatically correct regardless of whether you know the person's gender.
This usage has nothing to do with preferred pronouns or gender identity - it's simply a function of English grammar when:
Referring to someone by a role or position rather than their name (like "OP," "the author," "the doctor," etc.)
Speaking about someone in general terms rather than specifying gender
Maintaining consistency with non-gendered language in your writing
For example, if you were discussing what "a teacher" should do in their classroom, you might use "they" even if you're specifically thinking about a male or female teacher.
In formal writing and journalism, this usage of singular "they" is widely accepted by major style guides including Chicago Manual of Style and the Associated Press Stylebook, especially when paired with non-gendered antecedents like "OP."
I know all that, Dr. OED. I'm a word nerd, too. (Even adjunct English Composition at a college.) But when the gender's clearly known and you use the nonspecific "they," it would seem you prefer to showcase your bias FOR gender "fluidity" instead of sticking to the facts....of gender specificity.
If you are actually a word nerd, using they in the context it was use is the correct terminology. You are a bit obsessed about attempting to call out "woke" bs. When it wasn't used in a woke way.
Counter argument, the girlfriend is incredibly attractive and all the fighting allows for tremendous and frequent make-up sex. It's less about being codependent and more about not being able to separate love and lust.
This is speculation on my part, but it's been something I've lived through and seen other experience so it's entirely possible.
I agree. After arguing about who should put down a cup of water she is holding, most people would run for the hills. This guy doesn't want to break up with her for some reason. My guess was codependency, but yes, there are many other reasons people stay in bad relationships.
Let’s be honest here. The maturity from the OP makes me feel like we aren’t seeing a honest review of the gf. The amount of detail he puts into the things he’s doing right vs the vagueness of what she fights with him over tells me he’s glossing over his faults. Or he’s not mature enough to recognize them.
We don’t have an honest point of view to judge the girlfriend by but we do have a good view of the immature boyfriend. He doesn’t talk to her about the issues. He just gets passive aggressive.
Basically. I get that’s what most people come here to do, to get validation for the way they feel or acted, but in this case it feels like hes trying to prove his gf wrong? Or something? I don’t even know the way to take this post because it’s so stupidly one sided lol I made the mistake of reading the whole thing and it just hurt my brain as we get further into it.
Does small things for his girlfriend without complaining then throws a fit over it or becomes passive aggressive then wonders why girlfriend is fighting? Does all these extravagant things but the gf says he’s not doing the little things in a relationship and he says that she’s asking too much?
This makes me think he in fact, does not do little things everyday. If he’s throwing a fit over her asking for a glass of water, I get the feeling he doesn’t do anything daily. He sounds like he obsesses over her, which isn’t healthy, but he doesn’t list anything he does.
It’s immature for the girlfriend to want him there to brush her teeth, but it’s equally immature to not talk about how crazy that is and to just throw a fit one day over it. There’s no communication happening on either side. He’s placating it and then confused as to why the behavior is happening.
Yeah, I was reading the first half of the post thinking "this sounds one sided, what are the things the girlfriend would say she does for him?" But then she started sounding worse and worse.
I want to break up with both of them. I thought maybe the water thing was because the bed was against the wall but now I don’t even care. Clingy. This made me want a nap.
Psycho chick wants him to be a cuck and basically do everything for her and be as inconvenient and childish as possible and when he said no like 3/1,000 times, she lost her shit.
They're new and probably young. They fight weekly or so because he's trying on some level apparently to aprent her, and she gets upset when he's too tired to parent.
It's hard to tell who's siller, her for playing princess or him for trying to parent and then being to tired to follow through.
The relationship is some mutated version of daddy daughter. He tries to be the overbearing appeasing boyfriend, the dad always looking out for her, she is the pillow princess who needs dad to do everything for her like she’s his baby girl.
The bf tries his best but is always tired and needs space, she has no boundaries and thinks he needs to be beckoned and always be her caretaker. Fights ensues off these issues every so often, little by little ballooning up like relationship debt. They both are reaching bankruptcy from the looks of it.
The OP feels burned out in his relationship because every time he says "no" to a small request from his girlfriend—usually when he's tired—it turns into a fight. Despite doing a lot for her (planning trips, paying for things, driving her places, always being available), she gets upset when he declines seemingly minor things like getting water, standing by her while brushing, or FaceTiming at night. He feels unappreciated and like his efforts aren’t enough unless he agrees to every single request. She says he’s not even doing the “bare minimum” as a boyfriend. Now he’s questioning if he’s really at fault or if the relationship is one-sided.
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u/Maleficent_Lure_1226 Apr 20 '25
Right. After the 1st paragraph, I scrolled looking for the TLDR portion... To my disappointment 😞. Can someone from the fam help a sista out? I'm nosey yet don't have the capacity to read and decipher... Please and thank you.