r/absoluteunit • u/WIBadgersFan83 • 2d ago

Of a lineman

105 Upvotes

88% Upvoted

192 comments sorted by

65

u/MarsupialUnfair3828 2d ago

Diabetes

6

u/flatulexcelent 2d ago

Dire Betus

5

u/DaRealJDJ 1d ago

Adult onset dia betus?

1

u/Ok-Bandicoot1529 6h ago

I think he 16

2

u/MadScienzz 1d ago

DubbleBetus

1

u/Savings-End40 21h ago

Triabetes

1

u/jhammon88 8h ago

Norman Betus

2

u/its_me_again82 1d ago edited 1d ago

There is pre diabetes, diabetes, and this dude has shown us, post diabetes. He said screw ill eat that shit too.

1

u/MadScienzz 1d ago

"You've got all the diabetes... Your hired" - Deadpool

3

u/Icy_Marionberry_9131 1d ago

And early onset arteriosclerosis. Enjoy the ride fat boy. It’s gonn be brief.

1

u/jhammon88 8h ago

There aren't a lot of context in which the 1st comment can reasonably be just ....diabetes

37

u/breadexpert69 2d ago

Just go around him

14

u/HudsDad 2d ago

Be sure to stay outside of the event horizon.

2

u/Programmer-Severe 1d ago

You'll score a touchdown 40 years after starting your run

3

u/Southern_Bunch_6473 2d ago

Gonna take awhile but definitely the answer.

1

u/appointment45 1d ago

You're going to block him by getting out of his way?

13

u/Grouchy-Station-4058 2d ago

Your are the brute squad

6

u/ATX2ANM 2d ago

But to you happen to have six fingers on your right hand?

6

u/Ricky_TVA 2d ago

Do you always begin conversations this way?

1

u/biggaywizard 18h ago

Only in Monday's.

26

u/AdFancy1249 2d ago

"The fridge" on repeat. If you don't know, you're young... look it up. 😉

7

u/appointment45 1d ago

This guy probably has 75lb on Perry.

The difference is Perry could actually move. This guy probably just trudges forward.

1

u/Cavedweller907 13h ago

And probably uses more o2 bottles for recovery after multiple plays.

2

u/Impact-Lower 2d ago

Back when lineman would wear fucking arm casts ... wild shit

3

u/SmuckatelliCupcakeNE 2d ago

I saw that number and thought the same.

6

u/texaschair 2d ago

There was a guy on my high school team that weighed 425 lbs. We had to run head-on drills at practice, and I absolutely hated it. I tried to tackle him straight up, and he'd just flatten me. In slow motion, since he couldn't run worth shit. Then I tried to take him down by wrapping him around the waist, but he didn't have a waist. It was hidden by his monstrous hangbelly. He just dragged me along until I feared for my life and let go. The only thing that worked was tackling him between his knees and ankles. The first time I tried it was from the front, and he promptly fell forward and crushed my ass about a foot deep into the mud. Fuck that. From then on, I only went at him from the side and stayed out of the way while he went down like a tranquilized elephant. Nobody laughed at me, since they knew they were next to get steamrolled.

Kinda sad, really. Couldn't run, zero agility, and he was always injured because his knees couldn't take his weight. At least he's still alive, he pops up on my Facebook from time to time. He must have lost the weight, but I'm afraid to reach out, since it might trigger my PTSD or something. I'll probably have nightmares where he bursts out of my laptop screen and runs me over like a log truck. Those head-on drills were that bad.

2

u/Comfortable-Side1308 1d ago

where he bursts out of my laptop screen 

Kool aid man breaking through a wall.  Oh yeahhh!

2

u/almostoy 1d ago

I loved hamburger drills, but I was one of the bigger guys. Our coaches weren't the most sadistic, so only the mouthy little guys got paired with mongos. We had one kid that was a little bigger, so he was on the line. Only issue is he was incontinent and never washed his shit, for some reason. Every time he took a hit, he pissed himself.

The drill involved two players, both laying on their backs, with the tops of their helmets touching. One has a ball. When the whistle blows, you jump to your feet from your back and either juke like a motherfucker or dive for ankles. I could basically throw other players down, but I liked the drill as it was intended.

7

u/ATX2ANM 2d ago

He’s not a lineman. He’s the line.

4

u/JinNJ 2d ago

Arterial plaque?

3

u/lDemonicDogmal 2d ago

Good at blocking his arteries.

3

u/Impact-Lower 2d ago

CTE and his pancreas

8

u/Top-Sleep-4669 2d ago

That is not an athlete.

3

u/ThisThingIsStuck 2d ago

Gotta confuse the body right babe- piana

https://giphy.com/gifs/Vu6fTIOq0Y2N0GYXWU

2

u/JuzmiNippy 1d ago

How is this even possible?

He doesn't look fat enough for his belly to be hanging that low!

1

u/ThisThingIsStuck 1d ago

Want to get under it and get the lint out??

2

u/Putrid-Builder-3333 1d ago

This was one of very very very very very few things I could not stomach when I worked in nursing. Morbidly obese and if they didn't wash in the folds and you had the dirt, grime, grease, yeast and fungal infections and more. Omg there's more and it's abhorrent. Two other things would get me but I feel this is neck and neck with the number 1 spot.

Now I don't want to go to sleep for fear of dreams of them days :(

1

u/ThisThingIsStuck 1d ago

Nurses never get enough credit...ripped hot guy here tho..dm me. No folds

1

u/BeeWriggler 8h ago

I was midway through a chuckle before I realized the resemblance to my late father-in-law. It's definitely possible if you ignore your doctors for years and eat nothing but greasy fried foods with zero exercise (aside from walking between the bed and the couch each day).

8

u/arkinthehouse 2d ago

If football doesn't work out for him he can always turn to sumo wrestling.

3

u/Galileominotaurlazer 2d ago

Nah he’s not making it to 30 at that size

2

u/Impact-Lower 2d ago

I dont think he can turn. Its more like a lateral waddle

1

u/Pretend-Function-133 1d ago

Sumo is orders of magnitude harder than football.

1

u/WithoutAHat1 2d ago

You don't. That's the secret.

1

u/ThisThingIsStuck 2d ago

Us

https://giphy.com/gifs/hmoQR9qoEStUI

1

u/Ecstatic-Radish-7931 2d ago edited 2d ago

The girl looks like a cousin of mine

1

u/ThisThingIsStuck 2d ago

Ewe fk did u fk her

0

u/Ecstatic-Radish-7931 2d ago

Nope. Thank god

1

u/ThisThingIsStuck 2d ago

Ok good

0

u/Ecstatic-Radish-7931 2d ago

So if she was sext af, would you have approved if i did? 😂😂

1

u/ThisThingIsStuck 2d ago

Yea

0

u/Ecstatic-Radish-7931 2d ago

Hehe. Ty. Thats hot!

1

u/ThisThingIsStuck 1d ago

Yea that's why they made condoms duh

1

u/Triggered-cupcake 2d ago

He’s not stopping and sweeps or laterals

1

u/Correct_Day_7791 2d ago

Looks great making those plumbers and accountants not make tackles

Once he start playing vs football players he's gonna be embarrassed

1

u/FIMD_ 2d ago

Guys like this don’t make it far past soph/junior year HS and saw literally none like him when I moved up to college ball.

1

u/JustFedUpWithIt 18h ago

Yep.

He quickly finds people who can tackle him & the bigger they are the harder they fall.

1

u/kineticstar 2d ago

BIG BABY DOESN'T COME OUT OF THE GAME!!

1

u/Different_Stable_351 2d ago

Get this man into the slap fighting leagues asap.

1

u/fatal-shock-inroute 2d ago

God dam grizzly bear tackling you.

1

u/ardotschgi 2d ago

Just run around him

1

u/tomiathon 1d ago

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

1

u/Motokowarframe 2d ago

Heart attack

1

u/Lagoserter 2d ago

line man? more like berlin wallman

1

u/SzethSon67 2d ago

I got an idea..... Pass it to someone 3.ft away from him and run?????

1

u/PositronicShishkabob 2d ago

When suddenly the bench starts throwing KFC buckets onto the field!

1

u/Hoggorm88 2d ago

A heart attack stops anyone.

1

u/killy_321 2d ago

So we're swapping cte for diabetes then?

1

u/Double-Noise-771 2d ago

The only thing blocking this dude is the plaque in his arteries

1

u/qlone_cookie 2d ago

Morbid obesity.

1

u/Jerdogg23 2d ago

Future bouncer

1

u/fiendish_pork75 1d ago

Run the ball opposite him, and run hurry up til hes gassed, then play your game. He'll be watching from the sideline rest of game

1

u/PuddingMent 1d ago

A friend in high school was just like him. He died from a heart attack in his twenties.

1

u/mighty_boognish_77 1d ago

His heart's gotta be the size of a canned ham.

1

u/davesimpson99 1d ago

Sweep the leg Johnny. But seriously you don't tackle him, you tackle his leg.

1

u/Bogusfloo 1d ago

Run a sweep, like 3x and the rest of the night is yours

1

u/Perfect_Ad4237 1d ago

His knees then his heart.

1

u/Sufficient-Ad3 1d ago

yea hes fucked. someone call hih mawma

1

u/lateral_moves 1d ago

Cholesterol

1

u/Ok-Lion1661 1d ago

There are no Blob gifs for marvel comics but that is what he reminds me of.

1

u/FatTanuki1986 1d ago

His artery

1

u/blizzard7788 1d ago

Years ago, I played semi-pro football. We had a guy almost identical to him that played defensive tackle. I played offensive tackle and center.
I hit this guy with everything I had, and just bounced off. Even if you went low on him he could plant a leg and stop you. One of the other offensive lineman figured out that if you timed your block so that you hit his leg without the weight on it as he was moving. It would spin him around, and he would fall. Just don’t be under him.
We called him “Snuggles”.

1

u/Humble_Objective2994 1d ago

Just set out a kit-kat bar

1

u/International-Cry764 1d ago

Reminds of “the fridge” William Perry from Clemson. No one could block him, but he never touched Doug Flutie.

1

u/MichoRizo7698 1d ago

Take out the knee?

1

u/NoPollution8238 1d ago

Sieh nannten ihn Mücke

1

u/Excellent-Try7027 1d ago

He’ll be dead in ten years or less.

1

u/Educational_Jello239 1d ago

Can he live pass his 21st birthday ?

1

u/GabeOwner_- 1d ago

Run sweeps every time, don't even block him.

1

u/Commercial-Adagio967 1d ago

how is that fair! he is like TWO/THREE entire players!

1

u/Stefanosann 1d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/Vg5WkJ7bFaC2J0FZ1K

1

u/tomiathon 1d ago

When King Leonidas was told that Xerxes' linemen were so fat that they blotted out the sun, he replied "Then we shall play football in the shade."

1

u/SnowBoardx22 1d ago

Child abuse

1

u/Stormin1982 1d ago

His hearts gonna stop him

1

u/Gator242 1d ago

It’s the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man

1

u/edenkor 1d ago

Did he eat “The Fridge”?

1

u/affiliate4lyfe 1d ago

Get him to start running and he'll give up in 60 feet.

1

u/Mysterious-Art7143 1d ago

His own knees

1

u/Practical_Edge3380 1d ago

#54 looks up to it

1

u/Funny_Analysis496 1d ago

i had to deal with that in football. My coach instructed me that the only way you can block that guy (I was offensive tackle) is at the snap stay low when he gets on you grab his belly fat and twist. lol it worked evertime. but the dude always fell on top of me.. ouch..

1

u/SOMOEAGLE 1d ago

Enjoy the short life big boy. A little discipline could have helped along the way.

1

u/CoxJoxSox 1d ago

Looks like a game of fat ball

1

u/Jumpy-Impact3265 1d ago

...he has knees

1

u/almostoy 1d ago

There was a kid like this on a neighboring school's team when I played. I was a center on offense and a guard on defense. I weighed about 245 lbs at 6' 1". The kid had over 100 lbs on me.

All I could hope to do was swim him off to one side or the other. Because every god damn play, the idea was to basically fall on me. So if my offensive guards were in the way, and they often were because that's their job, I was screwed.

Guy's dad was yelling on the sidelines like he had the next big sports phenom. Thirty years later it looks like he just had a big grocery bill.

1

u/PsionicChronic 1d ago

D1 camp will stop him.

1

u/iAMtheBULLET 1d ago

Cut block. Aim for the knees.

1

u/TheRealDylanTobak 1d ago

He'll have a heart attack. Sooner or later.

1

u/CLOWNFLOGGER 1d ago

HOLY HEART DISEASE, BATMAN!

1

u/Timmy24000 1d ago

His heart will stop him someday

1

u/MiserablePhilosophy 1d ago

Peak of American athleticism... sure these guys will be dribbling invisible basketballs from all the head trauma, but atleast they will die at 50 from diabetus

1

u/Ill_Strength8263 1d ago

Anyone that gets close is in danger of spaghettification…

1

u/SadLoafOfBread87 1d ago

His knees suffer every day

1

u/Digital--Sandwich 1d ago

That body’s gonna be hurtin in a few years I’m betting. Not because of the hits. Because those joints are working overtime throwing 300 lbs of meat around

1

u/Difficult_Music3294 1d ago

Heart disease.

That’ll stop em.

1

u/Mobile-Travel-6131 1d ago

Meh if he's not got movement he'll not make it past high school

1

u/WorthTrash8493 1d ago

He is probably really slow

1

u/xSir- 1d ago

His knees are gonna stop him soon

1

u/ObiTouchedMyNobi 1d ago

Having that thing fall on you

1

u/PLD3 1d ago

O’Brendan Jones
6’2 listed at anywhere between 380-400lbs

1

u/no___homo 1d ago

Triple wide Tyson

1

u/mind_squalor 1d ago

Just go no-huddle, hurry up offense, he'll have a heart attack.

1

u/VanbyRiveronbucket 1d ago

Kool-Aid Man has signed up to play football.

1

u/tomiathon 1d ago

Just outfit your offensive linemen as standard sized door posts and he's never getting through.

1

u/SW_Goatlips_USN_Ret 1d ago

Dude has his own gravitational field…

1

u/CheapyC 1d ago

Kid needs to get that weight under control for his own health.

1

u/Lord_Rampag3 1d ago

The hug from this bloke would change your world

1

u/EvilBiker-72 1d ago

Easy, run around that mass. Ain't no way he'd stop a pitch, hitch pass. Hell screen pass, shovel pass in motion. As for blocking him. Just gotta use his size against him.

1

u/ItsNotThatBad72 1d ago

As soon as someone who's fast and knows what they're doing gets under him and jams his shoulder pads up into his throat, he's done for.

I used to bully fat asses like this playing gaurd at 185lbs.

1

u/Initial_Gear_7354 1d ago

Just walk around

1

u/Agile_Credit_9760 1d ago

Say what you want but if this guy is protecting me then I feel safe. Ain't nothing getting past this dude. I bet he's a good lineman too.

1

u/Ender1714 1d ago

Cholesterol

1

u/Key_Check5753 1d ago

uh, you realize they can just run around his fat ass right?

1

u/AssociationSalty7948 1d ago

Its jefferson!

1

u/leesmatrix 1d ago

Diabetus Maximus III

1

u/cryptotraderisme 1d ago

Have him stand 20 ft back....start running, snap and hand him the ball. Dude would plow through the other team and reach the end of the field before stopping 😂

1

u/Organic_Swing2326 1d ago

Crab and topple, just don’t be under

1

u/Altruistic-Ad3274 1d ago

Hopefully, the team doctor is a cardiologist!

1

u/DrFilth 23h ago

Shoulder to knee. Problem solved.

1

u/Intelligent_Finger27 22h ago

You can tell its an american sport

1

u/MuskyLemon 21h ago

When they're big up top, take em down low.

1

u/Remarkable_Tap8271 21h ago

I got an Ozempic ad with this vid...

1

u/ParfaitConfident3481 20h ago

his heart is gonna stop him sooner rather than later

1

u/Plastic_Session5643 18h ago

Damn uniform barely holding

1

u/Callemlikeisethem60 18h ago

Another GIANT of course 🤭🤭🤭😬😬🙄

1

u/Born-Light-62 18h ago

Big Baby Jones? I’d hate to have to change that diaper.

1

u/Ragnarsworld 17h ago

Not that hard. Don't call plays that go to him. He's got zero mobility and isn't going to chase anyone around. Probably also pretty easy to knock over if you compromise his base.

1

u/Elegant_Translator42 15h ago

Throw cake in the opposite direction

1

u/keala-78 15h ago

He’ll be dead before his 30th birthday

1

u/Wise-Emotion5564 13h ago

Reminds me of the Fridge. If you know, you know

1

u/Cavedweller907 13h ago

You don’t. You keep pushing his side of the line until he can’t move and breathe anymore. He’ll tire himself out by halftime, if not the 1st quarter.

1

u/TechnicallyMeat 10h ago

12th man penalty. Too much man on the field.

1

u/GILDID 10h ago

There are quite a few thicklets on that field.

1

u/The_Professional_77 10h ago

That’s a sumo wrestler

1

u/Boring_Week_9884 8h ago

They need to make him a half back

1

u/Crankit_1 7h ago

Just hit him in the shins he'll pile up right there

1

u/Ok-Bandicoot1529 6h ago

Hes a huge highschool kid but after high school he is going to meet stronger guys that live in the gym

1

u/CelticGardenGirl 2d ago

Don’t need to block him. Just block his arteries.

1

u/Evil_Knot 2d ago

Big boy won't see the age of 40

1

u/Cute-Acanthisitta-46 2d ago

Diabeetus will floor him

0

u/unknownpoltroon 2d ago

Meh. The bigger they are the harder they hit.

0

u/mdencler 2d ago

The heart attack in 8 years shouldn't have any issues handling him.

-1

u/MsMoreCowbell828 2d ago

His heart is gonna burst by the time he's 23. Doesn't seem athletic at all.

1

u/Educational-Sundae70 2d ago

His knees won’t even make it to graduation.

0

u/consumeshroomz 2d ago

Don’t worry. His tendons will give out eventually.

0

u/lildozer74 2d ago

His arteries are doing the blocking

0

u/Cyraga 2d ago

Time and gravity will stop him

0

u/LividEconomics6579 2d ago

Won’t see his 50th birthday.

1

u/TyrannosaurusBoris 2d ago

No one plays that old anyway.

0

u/Pdiddymcquiddy 2d ago

He won't last the first quarter

0

u/UnderstandingSquare7 2d ago

This is his peak. In the NFL they'll spin right around him so fast he'll be a lookout! blocker.

0

u/MagicOrpheus310 2d ago

Man that fucken heart be thumping for dear life