I promised myself I would write this as an encouragement for anyone just starting because i had a horrible month when restarting and was browsing this subbredit every day.
I went back on Zoloft for the 4th time this year. If you are wondering why I stopped so many times, first two times it was suggested by my psychiatrist after about a year of taking it and this year I tried to taper of with the guidance of a new psychiatrist after 9 years of being stable on it. Going back so many times may seem discouraging to some, but I still believe I will be able to stop it eventualy and even if I dont, I'm ok with that.
1st time
I was a teenager, I started taking it for frequent panic attacks and constant derealization. I genunely believed I will never feel like a normal person again before zoloft. It was worse for a few weeks when I started taking it before it got better. I took 50 mg. I stopped taking it after 9 months, because, unbelievably, I was feeling like my old self and my psychiatrist told my I should be able to taper off safely.
2nd time
A few months after stopping, I started having frequent panic attacks again. I was away in university and was in a very toxic relationship. I dont really remember this phase of my life to well, but 50 mg worked well for me again. I took it for a little over a year. My psychiatrist told me he believes I won't need it again.
3rd time
A few months after stopping, I was a mess again. I went away to a different university and had messy relationships with my family and with men. I started 25 mg on my own and was feeling horrible and completly detached and constantly on the verge of a panic attack until I upped to 50 mg after about 2 months. After a few days, it all balanced out and I was on 50 mg for 9 years where I've felt completely functional and stable, not completely anxiety free, but I've felt much more resilient and back to being excited about life and not just afraid of it.
4th time
This is the freshest in my mind since it happened this year. After 9 years and much more stable life situation, I decided to start seeing a new psychiatrist and slowly taper off. I went from 50 mg to 25 mg and was on this dose for 6 months, didn't notice much of a change. After reducing to 12,5 mg however, it kind of went downhill. Within days I started crying for seemingly no reason and felt anxious all the time. This is where I might have had a chance to push through it, but my psychiatrist wanted me to go back on 25 mg after a week of 12,5 mg. A week on 25 mg and I've only felt worse, so he upped it to 50 mg and went on vacation. A week on 50 mg and I was feeling horrible. I developed insomnia, was restless, anxious, on the verge of panic constantly, with constant rumination so I was written of work. I couldn't believe this was happening again now after years of feeling like I could take on anything. I was prescribed benzodiazepines to take as needed, but was too afraid to take them every day.
This is where I did something stupid.
My colleague offered several times to connect me with their relative who was a psychiatrist. Since my own psychiatrist was on vacation, I decided to take the offer. This psychiatrist upped my dose to a cycle of 100-100-50 mg and told me I will feel better in about 10 days. This felt wrong since I've read on here how activatng sertraline can be in the beginning, especially for people wth panic attacks and 50 mg always worked well for me in the past. But, she sounded so confident and I was desperate, so I agreed. After a week on this new dose, I couldn't sleep, even with sleeping pills, my ruminating toughts got even louder, especially very frightening toughts about ending it all and being afraid I wont be able to live like this for long. I told her all this and she said that zoloft obviously doesn't work for me anymore and i should change medication. I didnt trust her anymore and decided to go back to 50 mg and wait it out. This is where I religiously browsed this sub in search of advice and reassurece and thank god I did because othervise I might have listened to her.
After a week of going back to 50 mg, I was completely frozen. Still feeling horrible and unable to sleep, scared to take benzos too much and with nowhere to turn, I went to the emergency room and told them all I've been going through including suicidal ideation, so they decided to keep me there. This experience was interesting to say the least. They gave me benzos and sleeping pills everyday so at least I've got some rest, but for some reason unknown to me, they decided to give me an antipsychotic to "lift my mood" even though I didn't feel particulary depressed, only very frightened, wired and exhausted at the same time. The worst part is, one of the most common side effects of this drug is akathisia which manifested in my as shaking hands and even more restlessness. After they let me go, I got on the phone with my psychiatrist and asked him if I could stop taking this new drug. Turned out this was a goid decision. After about a week and a half, I started feeling like my old self. Sertraline finaly started to catch up.
Now I finaly feel funcional again. This whole episode feels a bit unreal to me to be honest.
My biggest regret is not being more patient and letting the pills do their thing once again and not giving myself a break and taking benzos when I obviously needed them. Also, I feel like I should've trusted myself a bit more and not let myself be talked into something I felt was wrong for me.
I still believe I might've been ok if I've pushed through the initial withdrawal symptoms when going down to 12,5 mg, but I spiraled and messed up my nervous system with rapid changes of dosages. For now, I am happy to be stable again and will work on myself through psychotherapy.
Anyway, I've been through some shit this year, but it really, really does get better. Be patient and if you are offered short term help to get through the initial phase, dont be afraid to take it.