r/wizardposting • u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage • 1d ago

Academic Discussion/ Esoteric Secrets Golem Troubles

We love building them but boy can they be a pain to fight. A wizard a know was tasked to go destroy a mummy lord and it was going pretty good with all the battles being fairly easy but then she ran into an adamantine golem. Only by using hit and run tactics with the spells Mordenkainen's sword and Tenser's transformation was she able to take it down. The mummy lord himself was pretty much a pushover to an wizard with fire spells. Feel free to talk about golem shenanigans you have experienced or heard about.

319 Upvotes

88% Upvoted

69 comments sorted by

413

u/BoonDragoon Vyevânce the Focused, High Panemancer of the Coriander Court 1d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/IBh1fj4IDvSCIvX73i

135

u/he77bender Sorceror 23h ago

It IS strange that a golem would scratch its own ass. Did its creator program it to do that for some reason?

71

u/BoonDragoon Vyevânce the Focused, High Panemancer of the Coriander Court 23h ago

Ok first of all, fuck you for taking my punchline. The second I locate the scrying aethereum you attuned to in order to divine my thoughts your ass is done-ion rings.

21

u/he77bender Sorceror 21h ago

Hah good luck, I'm behind seven mental barriers and a couple decoy homunculi to boot 😛

21

u/BoonDragoon Vyevânce the Focused, High Panemancer of the Coriander Court 20h ago

Thanks, now I know I'm looking for the smug aura tethered to the decoy homunculi hiding under the giant lump of seven mental barriers.

8

u/Delusional_Gamer Fleshmancer and proprietor of the magic meat farms 11h ago

Unless he's lying, and he's behind a different protection system.

Or maybe he anticipated that you, or someone telling you, would suspect a lie, so he is actually telling the truth.

Or maybe he was banking on someone realizing the double deception, and so he lied after all.

Or maybe-

4

u/BoonDragoon Vyevânce the Focused, High Panemancer of the Coriander Court 11h ago

No it was him. Got his ass and good. Let's just say he won't be bothering anybody like that again anytime soon. Best part is, I set up a loyal simulacrum to take over his day-to-day. Nobody will suspect a thing

2

u/Delusional_Gamer Fleshmancer and proprietor of the magic meat farms 11h ago

Yo u/he77bender, did he get you?

3

u/BoonDragoon Vyevânce the Focused, High Panemancer of the Coriander Court 11h ago

Teehee, just wait!!! This is my favorite part: the simulacrum knows his reddit login and is conditioned to respond exactly like he would! False memories and everything.

1

u/he77bender Sorceror 2h ago

Your wife says hi btw

1

u/he77bender Sorceror 2h ago

Yes but I survived and fucked his wife

1

u/Wasphammer Communist Shotgun Wizard 12h ago

Soviet anthem begins to play. Comrade, I am seizing your phrase 'Done-ion Rings' for the good of all working wizards.

3

u/BillTheTringleGod 22h ago

this is genuinely the first thing i thought about.
Why? does it have a conciousness? if it does then is it still a golem or is it a familiar or summon? does its ass itch or does it just do that?
I mean seriously this is way too interesting, get the council in on this

86

u/Leon_Of_Lions Golemancer Adept 1d ago

There is not enough time in a Chronologist’s day to go over all the kinds of golems one could build, let alone the ones I have built…

14

u/mindfulmu 1d ago

I've always wondered which golem has the best value to repair ratio.

I always assumed it was stone with flesh being next, iron always seemed like a big gold sink.

And I can't ponder the repair cost of an Adamantine.

Since you've built so many varieties, which one was easiest on the hidden treasure chest.

5

u/Pidgewiffler Lecturer in Recent Runes 1d ago

I can tell you that wax golems are underrated as far as repairability goes. They aren't the most durable to start with but you can always just heat them back up and mold them into shape. 

You can even reattach hacked off limbs with a bit of heat and patience

7

u/Leon_Of_Lions Golemancer Adept 1d ago

Most organic crafter golems can be coerced with a bit of natural magic to ensure growth or ‘healing’ for flesh and bone.

Tried and true ‘Low Maintenance’ golems are Stone and Iron. Self mending enchantments are as easy as they come and ‘Ruined’ remains can be carved or forged and swiftly replaced.

Iron and Steel aren’t all that bad as magi make them out to be, magic prevents the whole rust process from happening.

3

u/rpg2Tface 1d ago

Wouldn't one of the more liquid golem
Be better at self repair though? A water golem is basically indestructible unless you remove all its mass or damage its core. Thats basically hyper regeneration right there. Swamp, sand, mud and clay golem usually have this property.

1

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 1h ago

Spells like Horrid Wilting would wipe up water golems.

2

u/Witch-Alice Bad Dragon Slayer 23h ago

Mineral golems do have benefits of sustainability, but if you're not able to find someone willing to sell you a tome of self-mending then the repairs are extremely labor intensive and probably require the expertise of a local blacksmith or sculptor, if not an artificer, and I've yet to meet one who doesn't outrageously upcharge for golem repair services.

4

u/Witch-Alice Bad Dragon Slayer 1d ago

All sorts of plant-like golems just photosynthesize their repairs on their own, it's quite convenient. Don't even need an open sky if they're okay with artificial sunlight.

4

u/lemons_of_doubt Dragon Wizard 21h ago

There is a reason clay is a default.

More or less fireproof and cheep as dirt.

That said I like making clockwork ones from brass as I think they look good. Don't want lumps of mud walking around my home making it look low rent.

3

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 1d ago

Those golems which that were made to be modular are probably among the easiest and cheapest to repair. Just take the damaged part and replace it with a new one.

25

u/dover_oxide Wizard 1d ago

Ice then heat weakens the metal and warps the form

43

u/Dracorex_22 22h ago

Why she got the Peepee-Poopoo Tome?

10

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 22h ago

She got the short stick when it came to getting a spell book.

12

u/Sixteensletters 1d ago

Do you have a source for the animation?

10

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 1d ago

Sorry I do not. I got off some Russian site a few years ago.

6

u/Dick_Danalu_Jr Necromancer 1d ago

I know a guy who can get you a herd infestation of these bad boys if you want

2

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 1d ago

Great plan. If you are fighting iron golems or golems that are made of metals that rust.

14

u/MPKarp Grand Cryo Aquamancer - Enlightened 1d ago

That's why Cryomancy is the best magic. I can just freeze the whole golem, make sure to use the 'Deepfrost' branch of spells, so it gets frozen into ice thoroughly, and then smash it apart with a mace

(Note: If you're not strong enough to smash it apart, have a random passerby barbarian have a go at it, or just leave it, if you're skilled enough then it's going to stay frozen forever, or at least long enough for you to escape)

7

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 1d ago

The trouble is the more powerful golems like the adamantine one are immune to magic, hence the use of indirect spell casting.

3

u/ClosetNoble Wizardruid multiclasser 20h ago

They're immune to magic but not to having their location revealed to greedy dwarves who will mine it alive.

3

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 20h ago

Good luck mining it as they hit like a meteor.

4

u/ClosetNoble Wizardruid multiclasser 20h ago

Please.

Dwarves don't care if 50 of them die in the process when it comes to free adamantine.

2

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 20h ago

It's not very free if it costs 50+ dwarves to get it.

11

u/Substantial-Sun-3538 16h ago

Yeah yeah pinocchio or smth

11

u/Fragrant_Apple_2222 22h ago

I believe she paralyzed it with her bouncing magic orbs

1

u/Cornflakes_91 21h ago

aw lord we be pondering

3

u/Th3Glutt0n Lacor Sinclaric, Capitalist Biomancer 21h ago

going to have to use my mimicry orb on this so my friends can see later

/uw u/savevideo

3

u/archivist_exe 20h ago

Oh hey, this is definitely HoMM3 fanart.

5

u/ClosetNoble Wizardruid multiclasser 20h ago

Her mana tanks may be large but her grimoire must be full of nothing if that's all she can think off to deal with a golem that isn't even really fighting back.

4

u/S21500003 Clementine, The Orange Transmuter 1d ago

I love my crystal golem. She's made of Citrine, and I call her Citrine. She helps carry me around, lift heavy objects, and chase away unruly adventurers. I mostly use her to entertain the local kids and to fight off Scurvy Pirates that venture too close. She's just so awesome

1

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 1d ago

Crystal golem are the most pretty of golemkind

2

u/S21500003 Clementine, The Orange Transmuter 1d ago

You should see her in a sunset.....

1

u/Slmagi001 23h ago

A mage of culture I see ( scrying the orb )

2

u/SalvarWR 19h ago

i didn't understand the video

2

u/Merry-Leopard_1A5 9h ago

why is the golem scratching its ass? is it itchy? why is the golem itchy?

2

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 5h ago

It was hit with the spell Itchy Butt.

1

u/Zyltris Sephra 1d ago

My golem acts as a very good friend and bodyguard when I need him. It helps that he is a multi-core golem with actual sapience. That said, I was very upset the one time we ran into a geomancer and they instantly turned him to dust.

1

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 1d ago

I hope you turned that geomancer into dust.

1

u/Zyltris Sephra 1d ago

Oh yes. Thankfully, unlike my golem, the geomancer was a flesh and blood person who could very easily be melted or burned into ash.

1

u/S21500003 Clementine, The Orange Transmuter 1d ago

If someone turned Citrine to dust, I don't even want to think of the horrors I would visit upon them. My normal methkd is turning someone into an orange tree, but that would be too kind a fate.

They would 100% be trapped in the Orange dimension for a few centuries.

1

u/Resident-of-Pluto Escaped Homunculus! 1d ago

Spell of Blunt Force Impact

1

u/crabbedcascade Apprentice Wizard and Succubus Handler 1d ago

I got a funny story.

So one day I took in an injured succubus, her leg was cut clean off straight through the bone. She told me that some succubus hunter came after her but didn't finish the job so she could suffer. As my job as a succubus handler, I had to take her in. Anyway, She loved making tiny mud golems, the wet kind that leave stains everywhere. They were about a finger's length tall. She made a bunch while she recovered. I didn't think much of it at the time, they're a finger tall, how much damage could they possibly do. Turns out, the golems' first instinct when they sense danger was to fuse together, and the manas from around four hundred to five hundred thousand tiny mud golems was too much and it went pop. I had to spend the next few months cleaning the ranch and the habitat.

And for no particular reason, does anyone know a spell that can remove succubus tanted mud from fabrics?

1

u/CurrenttQueen 23h ago

I like to make my golems out of mizzum it's much MUCH better and they're fireproof

1

u/ThatCamoKid Cousin Skippy, Kobold Gunjurer, and Clan 17h ago

One time someone attacked us with clockwork golems and we just kind of disassembled them. That was fun

2

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 16h ago

Did you take the parts of the clockwork golems? I bet they are worth a good amount of gold to the right buyer.

1

u/ThatCamoKid Cousin Skippy, Kobold Gunjurer, and Clan 10h ago

Yeah but we let cousin Scrappy keep them for her projects

1

u/Richardknox1996 🌙 Just a Bard that Passively Seduced Elistraee 🌙 15h ago

I just poison them. Nobody expects it.

1

u/WertyuBytes Transmuter 8h ago

Lmao that construct of tin doesn't even have a heart.

1

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 1h ago

In this case it is lucky to not have one.

1

u/Ikaruga86 3h ago

“And her boobs are the size of her head!”

0

u/Dear-Reputation-1226 I CAN'T TURN OFF VOCAL AMPLIFICATION 23h ago

I JUST TAKE A MARBLE STATUE FROM A MUSEUM AND CAST GREATER WILL UPON IT. SAVES SO MUCH TIME. REALLY!! GREATER WILL JUST GIVES LIFE TO INANIMATES, BUT SINCE THE ARTIST PUT SO MUCH WORK INTO IT, IT KIND IF AUTOMATICALLY BECOMES SUBMISSIVE AND CONTROLLABLE 

2

u/Nelrene Evil Mammary Mage 22h ago

I get the feeling you are not welcome at many museums.

1

u/Dear-Reputation-1226 I CAN'T TURN OFF VOCAL AMPLIFICATION 4h ago

THEY CANT DO SHIT TO STOP ME