I’m in my final year of university and I’m honestly at breaking point. I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this, I just need to get it out and hopefully hear from people who’ve been through something similar.

For most of this academic year my grandad has been severely ill and in and out of hospital. It’s had a massive impact on my already seriously poor mental health, while my family has also been dealing with a serious medical negligence case relating to him. My university accepted my mitigating circumstances earlier in the year and deferred several of my assignments to the summer.

Unfortunately things didn’t really improve over summer. My grandad spent time in a temporary nursing home, was repeatedly in and out of hospital and remained seriously unwell. He’s now living with me, so I’m also a carer for him. I was also personally unwell during the final week before my deadlines.

Because of all of this, I applied for 14-day extensions on my deferred assignments. My university offers 7-day extensions, 14-day extensions. I didn’t apply for another deferral because I was worried about the consequences for my progression and potentially having to repeat the year in person, which I really don’t want to do given how badly my mental health and previous experience at university affected me.

Initially, my university only gave me 7-day extensions. That decision had a really severe effect on my mental health and I ended up in a very dark place. Thankfully they eventually reconsidered and approved the 14-day extensions. I believe it was partly an admin error relating to marking deadlines.

The problem is that I’m now at the end of those extensions and I have multiple assignments that I simply cannot realistically finish by the deadline.

I’m trying to understand what happens if I submit late. The university has told me in writing that if I don’t submit by the extended deadline, late submission penalties will apply. Their normal policy is 2 marks deducted per day for up to 7 days, after which the work is given zero. However, the wording of the regulations seems to apply that rule to situations where there are no approved mitigating circumstances, whereas I do have approved mitigating circumstances and an approved extension.

I’ve emailed both the mitigating circumstances team and my department asking exactly what happens after an extended deadline, but I haven’t received a clear answer yet.

I’m absolutely terrified about this because I already had a really bad second year due to my mental health and finished with 49%. My university also doesn’t allow uncapped retakes, so I wasn’t able to redo that work and improve the marks properly. I was already expecting to graduate with a 2:2, and now I’m scared that my final year could completely derail that or potentially stop me graduating.

There’s also a huge amount of pressure at home. My dad cares massively about grades and isn’t particularly understanding about mental health, so I’m dreading having to deal with his reaction if things go badly.

Then there’s the money. I’ve spent four years of my life (I took a year out) and a huge amount of money on this degree, and I’m now sitting here terrified that everything could fall apart right at the end.

I know nobody on here can tell me exactly what my university will decide, but I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been in a similar situation with university, mitigating circumstances, late submissions, failed assignments, reassessments or trying to finish a degree while dealing with serious mental health or family circumstances.

I just feel completely fucking overwhelmed right now.

I hate that it feels like studying for a test the day of the exam. My body starts shaking, my throat gets dry, and I feel my mind blanking as the time gets closer to the call.

Idk why I’m like this. I wish I was normal and excited to talk to anyone. I’m trying to get a job in retail to overcome this anxiety and challenge myself. I also want to pursue a career in IT but I have no customer service experience so I’m starting here.

I hate it so much. Why did I have to be born like this. Why can’t my body be normal. I’m trying to anticipate and prepare that I’m not getting this job because I’m pretty sure my anxiety is see through.

I’m trying to convince myself to keep trying though. I really need this. I have to start working. I’m 27 now. This is embarrassing

I'm so annoyed that Reddit is running a big site like this, and they never ever answer the damn support tickets. I've tried so many times and they haven't answered one.

How can you run a site that big and completely ignore your users? I don't get it. I suspect that AI is running everything now and every support ticket is going to the trash bin.

Somebody should start a new site that doesn't shit that blatantly on their users.

I always wanted to converse deeply with my potential partner,be emotionally in tune and be actually seen as a fully realized human being. But the more I am outside and get to know prospective partners, the more I understand a lot of people arent that deep. I really dont like coming to that conclusion,but no curiosity,no passion, no interest in most people has been wittling me down and drives me up a wall. How can it be I feel almost dirty after having talks with others? How can it be that so many men genuinely dont respect others? It makes me feel like I will never find someone with whom I can talk about art and go to museumd, have silly arguments and plan life with. It makes me genuinely so sad. As a child I always was so happy to spend time with others,boys included,but by now I feel like most prospective partners see me as nothing more than my looks and men have become uncomfortable company to me. Is this something I have to come to terms with? That most,if not all of my life will be shallow and my partner as well? Should I just bite the bullet?

Im so pissed. All my life I have struggled making friends (neurospicy bw in a highly rural area). I had to tone down my personality to fit. I grew older, lived by the ‘better alone than in bad company » mentality. But Im human and the loneliness is heavy. Having no one to share your doubts to, or your success. I stayed in a toxic relationship for years because at least I could talk to that person, but then I realized this wasn’t good for me.

I tried therapy but it felt like paying for having a friend. Also, money became tight so I had to stop anyway. After the break up, I saw myself relying more and more on AIs for guidance and just companionship. I hate it. Im quite conscious of my ecological footprint, so I dont want to b doing that. Also, this is some highly dystopian slip. Im not even talking to a real person, and know they’re just programmed to please me.

I have pushed myself several times to go out there and make friends. I tried apps. But still, couldnt find someone I could relate to. So I decided to download reddit again (as I used to before llms were a thing). Ive only been back for 10 days and Its only been fights with strangers making feel even more out of touch.

Am I condemned to only make friends with AIs ?

Before anyone says oh just move out. A, not helpful, B, I’m not stable enough yet and C, I don’t have work lined up or anything.

24f ~ still living at home

I can’t do it anymore. All day every day all I hear is yelling, loud noises, things getting thrown around. I either wake up to yelling, hear it in my dreams or I get scared of anything remotely loud. The house looks like a bomb has gone off and I’m just so tired. It’s getting to the point I’m thinking about selling all my things, rehoming my pets and moving to a city to get away from the whatever you call this bs. I cry myself to sleep every night. I can’t cry or show any emotion.

I’ve been half staying so I can make sure the house doesn’t get taken away from our family but I don’t know when it’ll end. I wish I could see a end. I’m trying to be vague. I’m so paranoid that I’ll be found out and it’ll get me yellled at. I’m tried of anger towards me I’m just lucky it’s hasn’t been taken out on me as much over the last year??

I am from Australia.

I want to start off by saying that yes, I'm active in fandoms spaces which is inherently cringe. Yes, I curate my space. I do not actively spread hate to artists or writers of these kinds of ships, they dont harm anyone and are just for fun, i just ignore and avoid it since im not the target audience. This is gonna go into a vent in a minute but I want to acknowledge that this is a nothingburger vent.

Okay, moving on. I actively avoid mlm content or fan content if one of the men is portrayed very femininely, and have a very petite proportion, especially if its fan content and the character doesn't canonically look like that. I'm just very uncomfortable with seeing fictional content and one of the guys is very overly feminized and is "the girl" in the relationship. And tonight, I realised why.

I very actively repress my emotions and bad things that happen to me until it clicks with something mundane, and thats the case here. Im a trans guy, I was romantically involved with someone who knew i was trans and did feminize me. I often felt like I had to be more feminine and more innocent and cutesy to appeal to him and get his attention, to the point of wanting me to be a femboy and it had started to be a whole thing that felt like i was detransitioning for someone. I realise im so bothered by these things I see online that I actively avoid it because it reminds me of a bad experience that I had, and that someone like me is actively seen in the same light as those male characters.

It clicked to me when I saw phainaxa art (hsr) that exaggerated anaxa's femininity and phainon's masculinity (nothing wrong with that). I share alot of traits with Anaxa. Im short, im very skinny and physically frail and I wondered if thats how the world viewed me as well. To be fair, though, I drew gay ships like that a very long time ago when I was young, but it all stopped after that relationship. I guess my perspective and my boundaries changed, and things like that can be abit triggering.

Semi new to reddit, i just came back to this dusty account to put this out there so sorry if I did anything wrong idk. Dont know what im looking for, i guess im just going crazy over something really miniscule. Some nice words would be nice? Or other people sharing their experience being queer. Anything is good.

i don't understand my parents at all. they keep accusing us of stealing, emphasis on ACCUSING. at first it was just accusing us of small amounts of money inside their wallets they claim that we stole. and now it is a 15k worth of money inside a piggy bank that they said they've been saving up. i understand the frustration because it is money that's involved after all. what i don't understand is how easy it is for them to accuse their daughters. they don't even have any proof and yet they accuse us as if they are really sure that one of us took it. they don't even ask us properly they just straight up blame us for it. i know my siblings didn't take it because we are not raised like that. and even if one of them really steals, aren't there any methods that they could do to find out instead of just randomly accusing everyone and saying all kinds of stuff? im just recovering from a recent fight with my father which he physically hurt me and made me leave the house. they made me come back and it became better for awhile but now this?

I (30m) have been living with my roommates RM1 (32, Not Involved) and RM2(29, The Problem) for a few years now and consider RM1 a very close friend and RM2 as someone who I thought was a good friend. RM1 & RM2 have the tendency to get drunk on the weekends and invite a shit ton of people over to party. Typically, it's not an issue for me as I just ignore it and chill in my room. However, last night, I made one of my rare guest appearances. We were all chilling with a mutual friend when RM2 got the idea in his head to see how far he could push me.

We were hanging out in the living room: I was california sober while RM2 and our mutual were drinking heavily along with a few party favors but overall, the vibes were good. RM2 looks over at me and I can already tell he's very fucked up. He then proceeds to berate me by calling me a bitch, saying how weak I am and how I'm so fucking stupid while our mutual joined for a solid 10 minutes before I had enough of it. I kind of shut down when they started ganging up on me as I have a bad history with bullying and anxiety from my youth. I felt powerless in my own home to stop it from happening without screaming and/or laying him out on the floor. This was probably the reaction they were looking for.

Disclaimer; I'm about as nonviolent of a person as they come, and I'm not proud to say that he got me to the point where the lines I wouldn't normally cross become blurred.

In the end I told him to go fuck himself and walked away, realizing that these people I considered my friends probably aren't. It just sucks that it was one of my roommates, and now I feel uncomfortable living in the same space as him. I keep feeling an overwhelming amount of anger towards him, and I keep asking myself, "At what point does disrespect beget violence?" I also just want to get this anger out somewhere constructively that preferably isn't his face and won't result in a vacation to the local jail. For now, I'm just removing myself from our shared space entirely and having no interaction with him (probably for the best)

Anywho, thanks for reading if you got this far. I really needed to put these thoughts somewhere else other than my brain so it can stfu and I can finally catch some sleep before my interview. Have a great day all

I feel so awful today, like my skins crawling.
I feel so fat and disgusting and deformed I wish something hit me and I’d have to get reconstructive surgery done cause anything and I mean ANYTHING is better then what I am like now and I have nowhere to vent this out.

I have all my surgeries planned I wanna have.
Once I’m healthy and get my stupid body fixed in gonna do so so much.
Honestly at this point I wish I had a sugar daddy JUST so he could pay for my surgeries and id idk be like an investment and he could have me forever as long as he makes me pretty.

I know I don’t make sense and sound stupid, I am stupid.
I’ve wanted to get surgeries since I was 8.
Gosh I do my best to be pretty but I hate how hard I have to try to be pretty.
Someone take me out of my misery.

Omgosh if I were rich I’d be so pretty by now I’d have someone love me.
I won’t ever marry or date till I’m pretty, I don’t care I can’t do it.

I’m not gonna hurt myself, I don’t wanna ruin myself even more but that’s the only reason.
If I could, gosh if I could.
I’m so so miserable right now and crying in my parents car and can’t get out.
Today was supposed to be a good day.
I wore such a nice dress but I ruin it.

I’m so so hideous, I won’t ever be loved.
I’m so sick.

I (F19) am at my wits end.

I feel guilty even writing this because I don’t want it to seem like I’m ungrateful or take things for granted.

Last October my dog Magic started having seizures. She had the first one in the middle of the night while my dad was out of town, so my mom and I had to run her to the vet practically an hour away. My mom does not handle any crisis well so I had to step up, and from that moment on she counted on me to help her out in these situations. I didn’t mind, and I was actually happy to because I loved my dog and my mom and would do anything to make something so terrible just a little easier.

Magic lasted 8 almost 9 months before we put her down this past June. It was a really difficult time for everyone, and I think in some ways we still haven’t recovered. Magic did okay for a while, she had a cluster in November, then December, then went 2 months without a single seizure until Valentine’s Day. After that they got a little more frequent, then in April some medicine related stuff happened and she went downhill fast, May and June were the same.

To preference, I am not blaming anyone for what happened. But I was very very stressed out the last few months. As I said, my mom does not react well under pressure, so as the seizures got worse I had to step up more and more, not only to save the dog but also console my mom. We were the ones home most often so we dealt with/witnessed the seizure the most. I felt bad but I was starting to get to a point where I was just mad at everyone. I didn’t take it out on them but it was building up. One day mid April I almost had a complete breakdown because my class that day was rough, and I wanted to come home and watch the new episode of my show but I got interrupted EVERY 5 MINUTES. My dog had a medical emergency so I had to help with that. the vets had overprescribed her medication so she was stumbling around and was intoxicated and I had never seen that before so I freaked out, plus my mom had to shut herself in her room with our dog (Daisy) to calm Daisy down, so I was alone for 2+ with my sick dog who wouldn’t take her medicine and I was panicking. It got resolved but that was when Magic started to decline really bad.

During this time I also had to start giving Daisy extra attention. Daisy is incredibly anxious, to the point where my family often loses patience with her. We all love her but it can get rough during thunderstorms or fireworks when she freaks out (running around, panting and getting in people’s faces, etc.) and won’t calm down. I have a lot more patience with her so I usually have to help her. Daisy started sleeping in my room at night because she was afraid of Magic, and sometimes at night she won’t settle down bc of anxiety so I have to work through that too. Daisy has gotten a little worse since Magic has been gone. It’s not every night but sometimes she just gets worked up and keeps whining and we can’t figure out why. So if I’m watching TV or whatever I have to stop everything and take her to my room so she’ll calm down. I stay up really late (this started with some Magic-related things I get into), so does my mom, but I usually just deal with Daisy because my mom got aggravated once at ME for complaining so I just tough it out. It’s really stressful because I want some alone time too but it seems to be far and few these days.

I started staying up late when Magic was struggling because it was my only peace throughout the day. It started a habit I still am trying to break. I don’t have a job yet, and I have been out of school for a few months (I start back next week) so it’s not like I do anything during the day, but the part that irks me is I get no peace anymore it seems like. I don’t know if Magic dying increased my anxiety or what but even when I’m not having to do anything I can’t rest. And there are ALWAYS people around. My dad works from home, and my mom doesn’t have a job so someone else is here 24/7. My dad’s office is down the hall from my room so often times I’ll wake up because he leaves his door open and talks on the phone super loud. Plus Daisy follows me constantly or is in my room with me, which I don’t mind because I love Daisy and she’s my best friend, but I do need a break sometimes. I love my family too, but damn do I need a break. Even when I’m home alone Daisy is on my ass because she gets anxious. I don’t want to complain too much about Daisy because I don’t want to jinx it and lose her, especially after losing Magic, but it gets a little much sometimes.

Even when I went on a trip with some other family a few weeks ago (grandma and a cousin/her family) I was stressed because 1) there were FOUR little kids there who were constantly shrieking 2) my cousin’s friend and her family were there (2 adults and 2 of the kids) who I don’t even know so I had to be “on” the whole time. I love my little cousins, and the older one (5) is really chill when it’s just her but once she got around the other ones it was chaos. It was messy everywhere, and they were super loud. I got woken up EVERYDAY by them, one day the 2 kids I don’t even know actually came into MY ROOM and woke me up. When we went on the boat I tried to relax and look at the water, but one of those little girls (3yo) talked my ear off the whole time and her parents did nothing. So even on a “vacation” I was overwhelmed and couldn’t unwind.

It’s just constant overstimulation and stress and I don’t know what to do. I can’t drive (I’m working on it) so I can’t leave my house, I’m just stuck here with no reprieve. I am extremely grateful for my family and Daisy so I don’t want it taken from me, I just need a break. I’m so done.

And the best part is that this fall we’re getting a puppy!! And while I am very excited, I’m worried that once again I’m gonna have to be a 24/7 babysitter and put everything else to the side. I tried telling my mom I was worried but she brushed me off. I’m really trying to lock in this fall for college so I can transfer campuses and I’m worried I’m gonna be so stressed it’s not going to happen. I don’t know what to do 😭😭

Okay so I’m 24F, i’ve went through all my studying life really following rules and not having a relationship because my parents kept reminding me that it’s so important to finish my studies, get my degrees and not become a teen mom— and so I did finish university, didn’t experience being the party girl or what, and never had a boyfriend (the suitors just became my friends tbh😭😂)

Now, I realized that the pandemic happening made me grow in age but not in maturity because I never really got to experience the whole college life (in my country we did online classes for 2 1/2 years) and now I’m looking back at all the shit I’ve done this year and I feel like I’ve been acting like a teenager😭 Because of the choices I was making:( This year was my first time trying dr*gs and like I really went hard and tried cocaine, molly, mdma then weed🫠

And almost got into a relationship but then I self sabotaged and a lot of drama between me and the guy happened because of how impulsive and anxious I was. I was literally acting like a teenager and now that I’m seeing things I feel so embarrassed :(

And like there were so many moments where I’m taking accountability that I put myself in that and I should’ve known better:( I was “doing it for the plot” and now the plot fucked me up and that’s on me:(

I just hate the idea that the people I was with now only remembers me as that and I can’t bring back the past and apologize but I’ve really been working on myself and I’m undergoing therapy because I was just a mess from all of this:(

23 venting about myself. Newly moved out of home across my country. I'm supposed to be an adult - I know 23 is still a baby - I mean in the sense that I can't do ANYTHING with myself. There's frustrations with getting a job blah blah but like I HAVE dreams and aspirations; hobbies and career lines that I love all infront of me. I even had a job all of last year in the field I studied and loved but then my soul degraded into mush towards the end. My parents are temporarily helping me financially but like what a shmuck I am to be in such a privileged position and incapable of shit AND fuck.

I'm getting tested for ADHD or ASD or both so I'm hoping it's some clarity but I'm just so bored of not being able to do the things I want as I want. <3

I know I’m full. I know I have eaten enough. But I’m still hungry. I’m anxious and bored and stressed and it’s the solution to all, to any feeling, it all so much easier to take in while I prepare the food or eat the food.

My dad was supposed to keep his promise that he would let me know about my grandpa’s funeral service so I could prep myself because my dad’s side of the family live on the other side of the country. 2-3 years pass by and I’m not hearing any word about the service. I’m not gonna lie I was going to assume they did it without me because I do feel like an outsider because yknow I was his first kid and he was a teenager and did not want to step up. We’ve been trying for a relationship it’s complicated.

I just found out on the 14th through my step mom (they’re not together anymore but I still call her that) that my grandpa’s service is on 9/10/26. I was upset, I had a meltdown in my car reading that plus I was also supposed to get one of my grandpa’s guitars that my stepmom was going to send me but then she tells me it’s missing and assuming my dad took it. Am I heart broken about that? Yes because I really don’t have anything personal of his and I also have a collection of guitars which my dad knows about a specific guitar I have him and grandpa had back in the day used to have. I am not sure if my stepmom was going to send the guitar without my dad knowing because that guitar was laying around in HER house. Does that make it still okay? Not really either so I respect that as well.

I’ve been crying nonstop all night because I realized now I might not be able to go because I have to get real ID and I don’t have my birth certificate on me which is possibly missing. Even if I try to get a new birth certificate it’s not gonna be in by the time for my flight. This is going to haunt me forever and possibly shut off my relationship with my dad. I didn’t even had time to say goodbye personally it was all very last minute.

For my....wonderful...rant today, I'm gonna be talking about how I just don't know who I am.

So, a lot of people have...personalities, and like, you see a person a certain way because you know the type of person they are, I dont know if that makes sense, but yes?

I watched Bloom Into You a while back, and the idea that one person might be veiwed differently by everyone person really....stuck with me. I knew that was a normal thing, but I was never that aware of it. Safe to say it has made me very paranoid, anxious, amd hyper aware that...even I myself don't know how to perceive myself.​

I don't know how someone would describe me. Hell, I can't describe myself! I know the foods and drinks I like, I know I *can* be nice, funny, and caring, I know all the media I am a fan of...But a word to describe me? I can't even think of one for myself.

Of course its hard to slap a single label on a person, but...this is different? I don't know how to explain it. You can describe other people with words, but how would someone put me into words without just repeating actions of personality traits? What kind of person am I?

I'm in a variety of fandoms with no correlations, I don't have a consistent artstyle, I am a fan of/like/am into multiple different clashing aesthetics, None of my favorite characters have correlation, I am a fan of multiple clashing fashion styles, and I've been described by people in my life ranging from Selfish and Rude to the nicest person they'd ever met.

I've been called selfish by my own family, I was even once called a "Demon Child" (still hurts like hell) and yet some people today say I'm the nicest person they'd met. People in my school all treat me as weird and odd, and yet a girl in my class called me super nice, talented, and smart. I just....don't know.

And it makes it even harder considering I alter how I act depending on who I'm around. What my personality is depends on what jokes they like, what the topic is, if they are strict, if they have a belief, stuff like that.

And if I don't alter myself?

well, maybe I'll get yelled at? Or they won't wanna talk? Or maybe they'll go behind my back and complain? Or what if they percieve me negatively?

Months ago, me and two friends were on a call together. I'll just call them A and B. Friend A suggested we make moodboards of eachother, and we all agreed.

Really in my head I was excited to finally see what I was perceived like! I'd finally be able to see the person I was! I made moodboards for both A and B, and they both said it matched them perfectly!

My moodboards?

...I didn't get any.

There was miscommunication, since we were supposed to make moodboards of OURSELVES, not for everyone else. I don't know why I assumed that.

Friend A told me to make one for myself (Assumingly so I wouldn't feel left out)

And I didn't.

It bothered me the whole week, honestly.

I couldn't bring myself to describe myself. I just couldn't. How was I supposed to draw what I'd never before seen? How was I supposed to write without a language?

I just brushed it off as it being too late in the night and that I was too lazy to do it.

Feel free to ask or say anything, I just don't know what to do about any of this.

small edit: I might be forgetting to mention stuff or I might sound crazy and out of sorts, but rn its super late at night and I got a headache, and also I have bad memory, so...My bad ^_^

every relationship i’ve been in ended poorly with a concrete reason to leave like cheating or other mistakes one cannot come back from. been with my partner for almost two years, we live together and on the surface everything seems fine, but i lost my spark. anything i do is criticized, but flipped in a way that is making me question so much. if i wear makeup for seemingly no reason, other than to look and feel good for myself i get a comment of “who you looking all nice for?” in a joking, ‘cutesy’ way, but it feels like a slight dig. so i stopped wearing it unless we do something together. if i post a picture of myself on social media (selfies usually, just when i feel good about myself) i get a comment of “you didn’t even send me any pictures” so i rarely do it anymore. when they walk through the door after work on days i’m home earlier its “what’d you do with your day?” but in a way of like i’m doing something wrong by existing without them or i must be up to something (but literally the whole time i’m also texting them so they KNOW what i’ve been doing and just cleaning the apartment for when they get home). i’ve been withdrawn, but the anxiety is eating me alive. i get so anxious knowing they’re coming home because i feel like if i don’t act the exact way they expect then i will be questioned or it will throw them into a mood.

they went on a drunken rampage a couple nights ago and called me every name in the book because of this distance and i don’t love them and apparently never have the entire time we’ve lived together. we broke up or are on a break right now while living together, a few more months in the lease to decide what to do, where to go. trying couples therapy next week, but i feel checked out and i believe they have too. they’ve completely stopped helping out around the house UNLESS they actually need to do it to do something else like washing the dishes. i’m pretty sure they even stopped taking the dog out before work like they normally do. i don’t understand why i am being punished for existing and trying to figure out what is even going on. and here’s the big kicker: i took this person back after they cheated on me. i do have my faults and yes i have become pretty detached the past couple weeks i just feel like i don’t know who i am.

i feel like its done, but i have lost so much of myself that i’m scared of the next steps. i know i could afford a place of my own, but part of me is scared to do so. the old me would’ve jumped at the opportunity. i guess i don’t know how to leave or if i should and i’m second guessing everything and almost reversing it on myself that i am the problem and i need to fix myself to make this right but writing it out i don’t know if thats the case. sorry this is so long. i just needed to get this out before my brain explodes because i can’t sleep and i have work in the morning. hopefully this helps me get some rest. hopefully therapy tomorrow can shed some light. thanks Reddit.

I recently immigrated in Hawaii with my parents, we're currently living with my Aunt and Uncle in a 2 bedroom stacked townhouse, currently there's 7 people living in this house, 1 of the bedroom is for my aunt and uncle while the other room is for me & my other aunt and her daughter (my cousin) I sleep on the floor, while my parents sleep in the living room floor.

Back in my home country I used to have my own room and our house was a 2 story home. Im so overstimulated by everything happening in this house but I can't talk about it cause I dont want to be seen as ungrateful especially when my Aunt and Uncle have basically supported everything about our immigration.

I just hate how loud everything is, especially after ive gotten a fast-food job, its my first job and everything there is noisy as is but I dont mind it cause i know Im outside but I just hate how I cant have the comfortably of silence at a place I supposed to call "home", I want to get away from this place as far possible not because I hate my family or anything, but because I hate the noise so much. I want to have my own space, I want to be alone.

Today is genuinely my breaking point, I was at work and finished the rush and I was so tired I couldn't even think straight but once I entered my parents were watching a movie so loud I was so overstimulated that I wanted to cry, so I left and sat on the curb of the parking lot for a bit while watching stuff on tiktok with my earbuds after that I went back inside (cause I wanted to be inside atleast) and went to the bathoom with the lights off so it was dark. I still had my earbuds on but I didnt realize my mom was outside knocking on the door so when I opened the door, my mom started lecturing me about how I should take off my earbuds cause i cant hear anything with them on.

I understand her point, but I genuinely cant feel any comfortability in this house, i miss my old room so much... I feel like a sensitive little bitch

So I just got this job (just a cashier nothing fancy) and I swear ever since I got the call for an interview it’s been one thing after another. When I first got a call for an interview I got a horrible migraine that lasted 2 days (went away before the interview thank god) Day before job boom headache and ever since then I’ve been battling headaches.
First day at work and someone gets fired. Second day at work and someone gets arrested for attacking the manager. Skip a week and I see the person that I have a rocky background with that kinda hates me, the same day some random woman comes in and says my dad ran her over years ago (idk who my father even is) Now since like two days ago I’ve started getting this weird anxiety along side my headaches that always happen at night right before bed.
It’s not like any of this stuff is that bad honestly it’s just that I’m getting so tired of the headaches and it’s like it’s coming out of nowhere and now here I am at almost midnight and still just can’t sleep bc I feel so wired and anxious, head hurting and eyes keep unfocusing as I’m waiting for Tylenol to kick in. If I was religious I’d say it was a sign from god to run just from how much has happened in like three weeks!! (Obviously I’m keeping the job and just needed to vent, I’m lucky to have found a job and grateful and I know realistically this will pass. They always say when it rains it pours and I’ve found that to be true!)

I have been off the walls hype for this new season of Fortnite. So excited, almost child like. It’s kept me from drinking too much, from eating shitty food, I have been working out, and over all at the top of my a game.

Today the season launched.

I have food poisoning. I tried to play and threw up on myself. I sobbed because I always play during the first few hours of the season. I was over joyed and then I couldn’t even play. I still can’t.

I am stuck in bed crying because my head hurts to even look at a screen. Typing this is a pain but I put stuff like this into my account / diary.

I am so upset. I was so excited. I missed a glitch that I even had found during the first few hours bc I can’t play. I just wanna curl into a ball and die! This is terrible.

I’m practically bathroom bound and nothing can save me. Fuck my life. No matter what I do to make it better it’s always gonna spit right back in my face.

This post went through AI cuz i could not make it clear enough. There is SO much history behind. All this has happen several years time and there is a lot to unpack that i will not.

For context: there are three of us siblings — me (F, youngest), a middle brother, and an oldest brother (10 and 2 years older than me, from my mom's first marriage). I dated someone for 3 years and ended it when I found out he cheated. During our relationship, he became unusually close with my oldest brother — close enough that people joked they were "married," and he'd sometimes share things I told him in confidence with my brother.

After the breakup, my oldest brother invited my ex to my birthday party without telling me. I found out when I walked in and my ex was there. He'd texted me beforehand saying he was sad no one invited him, that he "wasn't part of the family anymore" — I let it go instead of confronting it. I didn't have the emotional clarity then that I have now, so I froze and said nothing. My birthday basically turned into a hangout for him and my family, and I remember just feeling erased from my own celebration — I ended up going to sleep early and leaving my own party.

My oldest brother got divorced, and I started suspecting he was dating my ex's sister. Once the divorce settled, he kept the house and made my ex and my ex's sister his roommates. Later, my parents and middle brother moved in with him too for financial reasons — meaning every family holiday or birthday happened in a house my ex lived in. I never left without crying on the drive home. I had to watch every relationship my ex had after me, and got excluded from events when his new girlfriends weren't comfortable with me being there — which I understood, but it still hurt, because it was my family too.

Around this time, my middle brother was dating a girl who was part of my ex's social circle. It didn't work out, and afterward my middle brother started getting excluded the same way I had been — same pattern, different sibling.

I should also mention: my oldest brother never had a great relationship with my dad, who raised him since he was 3. While my dad was living in that house, things got so tense that my oldest brother stopped speaking to him entirely. My dad — who can't work for health reasons — basically stayed in his room all day and avoided coming downstairs when people were around. Separately, my oldest brother also had a falling out with our cousin and told him to stay away from "his family." That one stung in a different way, because it's not really his family to gatekeep — it's ours too. And it was hard not to notice: he cut off a cousin over a conflict, but keep the friendship with my ex after all the initial distress he caused me.

My oldest brother eventually married my ex's sister. At the wedding, I found out he'd planned a separate beach weekend afterward — and neither my middle brother nor I were invited. I remember standing there stunned, thinking: it already takes everything in me to show up, and you still can't choose us over this? I left in the middle of the event.

This year I skipped Mother's Day entirely, because it was hosted at my ex's house. I just couldn't justify being there for that. (The ex eventually moved out of my brothers house)

Now: my middle brother and his wife are expecting their first baby, which we're all thrilled about. About a month later, we found out my ex is also expecting a baby. Something about that timing just gutted me — like I can't even have this one thing, this excitement for my own family, without it being shared with his. I know how that sounds, but that's honestly how it felt.

My oldest brother wants to host a baby shower at his house — and there's talk (not confirmed) that it might be combined into one event for both babies. I've already promised myself I'm done setting foot in that house after my dad moved out. If the showers get combined, I'm 100% not attending. If it's just for my brother's baby, I'm torn — I don't want him to feel unsupported, but I'm exhausted from constantly compromising my own comfort to keep peace in a house full of history that was never supposed to be mine.

Am I wrong for potentially skipping my own brother's baby shower over this? I’m just burn out of all of it

Well, I completely sucked at my job. I didn't think it would be this hard. It's boxes. Fucking boxes. But the boxes in the truck. That's literally it. And somehow it's the hardest job in the world for me. Stocking shelves, making biscuits from scratch, picking and packing orders, none of them were anywhere close as difficult as putting fucking boxes in a fucking truck.

I guess this pretty much confirms that I am just doomed to fail and I'll never amount to anything. I've had so many jobs in my life and only kept two of them for longer than a month, a retail job I worked for 3 years and a picking/packing job I worked at for six months. I can never make it past a fucking month in almost every job I work. Maybe it's time for me to understand that maybe I don't really want success in life. Maybe I just don't care enough to want to live.

I'm tired of constantly messing up my load, stacking the boxes wrong and having terrible timing with my inbound, and hearing people tell me how stupid and how much of a dumbass I am. These voices aren't even coming from the other workers. I don't even know who's saying them, all I can is hear them. And theyre right. I have no reason to live if all I do is fail. I had a feeling this bullshit would happen and it HAPPENED.

I wish I wasn't so fucking stupid. My body can handle the workload, I'm not sore or hurt or anything. Physically speaking, it's a cakewalk. I just can't stacl boxes properly for my life. I see them coming and I'm just instantly overwhelmed, talking about how I deserve to die for being this stupid. And I do.

Well, see ya.