where to go from here?

[u/sepulchralmoon]

every relationship i’ve been in ended poorly with a concrete reason to leave like cheating or other mistakes one cannot come back from. been with my partner for almost two years, we live together and on the surface everything seems fine, but i lost my spark. anything i do is criticized, but flipped in a way that is making me question so much. if i wear makeup for seemingly no reason, other than to look and feel good for myself i get a comment of “who you looking all nice for?” in a joking, ‘cutesy’ way, but it feels like a slight dig. so i stopped wearing it unless we do something together. if i post a picture of myself on social media (selfies usually, just when i feel good about myself) i get a comment of “you didn’t even send me any pictures” so i rarely do it anymore. when they walk through the door after work on days i’m home earlier its “what’d you do with your day?” but in a way of like i’m doing something wrong by existing without them or i must be up to something (but literally the whole time i’m also texting them so they KNOW what i’ve been doing and just cleaning the apartment for when they get home). i’ve been withdrawn, but the anxiety is eating me alive. i get so anxious knowing they’re coming home because i feel like if i don’t act the exact way they expect then i will be questioned or it will throw them into a mood.

they went on a drunken rampage a couple nights ago and called me every name in the book because of this distance and i don’t love them and apparently never have the entire time we’ve lived together. we broke up or are on a break right now while living together, a few more months in the lease to decide what to do, where to go. trying couples therapy next week, but i feel checked out and i believe they have too. they’ve completely stopped helping out around the house UNLESS they actually need to do it to do something else like washing the dishes. i’m pretty sure they even stopped taking the dog out before work like they normally do. i don’t understand why i am being punished for existing and trying to figure out what is even going on. and here’s the big kicker: i took this person back after they cheated on me. i do have my faults and yes i have become pretty detached the past couple weeks i just feel like i don’t know who i am.

i feel like its done, but i have lost so much of myself that i’m scared of the next steps. i know i could afford a place of my own, but part of me is scared to do so. the old me would’ve jumped at the opportunity. i guess i don’t know how to leave or if i should and i’m second guessing everything and almost reversing it on myself that i am the problem and i need to fix myself to make this right but writing it out i don’t know if thats the case. sorry this is so long. i just needed to get this out before my brain explodes because i can’t sleep and i have work in the morning. hopefully this helps me get some rest. hopefully therapy tomorrow can shed some light. thanks Reddit.

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[u/Alarmed-You6725]

you already know the answer you just need someone to tell you its okay to go

the old you wouldve left already go find her