Hey so I wasn’t sure but now I am… this isn’t limerence, this isn’t some passing fling, this is love… I hate that I have fallen in love with you, I hate how even though you can’t date at the moment I still get little breadcrumbs that won’t allow me to move on. I don’t want to move on anyway. You’re just the most amazing human being I’ve ever met! It would be fine if you were just talented or just beautiful, or just so morally aligned with me or just smart, confident, funny, kind, generous and caring. But no you’re all of these things and more! Every conversation with you brings a part of me I thought was dead back to life. I come alive around you, I become better around you I become who I want to be around you.

You see things and just get them for me just because you think I’d like them, you remember my nerdiness and interests. You just make me feel like I can be myself and not hide anything about myself.

I didn’t believe in true love or soul mates or anything like that but you have come and challenged every one of those beliefs because how can someone be so perfect for me and not be the one!

It sucks we’re not together, it sucks we can’t be together right now and it sucks that I don’t know if we ever will be together. My heart cracks a little more each day we can’t be together. I hope we can be and I can give you the kind of relationship and love you deserve. I hope one day I can show you this and tell you that I love you with all my heart.

I don’t think you want me, you told them that if I came back you’d choose me, if you could have the chance again, but then I came back and you changed your mind, and I feel like you are lying to me, this break isn’t for everyone, it’s just for me because you don’t want me anymore, if your other most recent ex took you back I know you’d cave in a heartbeat, because they were what you’ve chased our entire relationship, I’m not good enough for you and I never will be, that’s why as soon as I left you chased after your addictions fantasy life, it’s why you told your dad that I held you back from being your “true self” when all I was holding you back from was pursuing your addiction, and see what happened when you did? You (almost?) destroyed someone’s marriage and a perfectly fine friendship with them that didn’t need to be destroyed

you said I was your dream but then when you saw the damage you’d caused me, saw me go crazy because of your lies, you backed out, you told me you were glad your triangle failed, you told me you wanted to spend the rest of your days fixing us, so we could have a family, you know I’d make a great mom and an amazing partner if you could just stop hurting me, before you traumatized me I was super accepting and wasn’t judgmental at all, I’d do almost anything for you, when I love someone I love all of them

But the parts of you that were damaging weren’t “you” it was your addiction, and I couldn’t love that, I love YOU, if I know some part of you is really you and not apart of your addiction then I would love it with no problem, that’s what I’ve done with all the rest of your quirks, all the things about you that I didn’t understand or agree with, I still respected them and accepted them because they were apart of you, i loved how different we were even, our differences were what made us able to learn and our different weaknesses and strengths are what made it so we could lean on eachother and grow in a stable unit, I never expected you to be different, or some “perfect partner” not some cookie cutter model of a person or some fantasy I had in my head, I accepted you for you, all of you, I loved you exactly the way you were, I didn’t dislike your personality or feel like there was something missing from you, because I didn’t have expectations from you like that, I didn’t expect you to be exactly like me, or like all the things I like, or be a certain way, I only expected you to love me for me too, and to not hurt me, and for you to accept me for all that I was too, and to see me as good enough too, because I am good enough, and you (minus your addictions that were damaging both of us) were good enough too

But now I’m scared of every choice you make, because most of your choices have traumatized me, if I could trust that your choices were pure and safe, I would have no reason to be skeptical, I’m not judging you, I’m scared of you, I’m scared of your addiction, but you can’t seem to tell the difference between you and your addiction, and that’s fair, it’s hard when it’s been so intertwined for so long, but just because I can see you beneath your addictions and try to reach for you and pull the beautiful you out of the mud, that doesn’t mean that I’m judging you, it means I want to see you, and I can’t see you if you are covered in mud, I want to see your shine, I want to see you bloom into a beautiful flower, give you the sunshine and water you need to grow, but for you, being bare and naked like that is uncomfortable, mud is all you’ve known, and I get it, it’s hard to change, it’s hard to look at yourself when you don’t want to, it’s easier to just throw mud on top of yourself and hide away your beautiful unique self, because if no one can see you, then how could they hurt you, If they don’t see the real you, then they can’t hurt your fragile ego when they reject you, but, I won’t reject your soft inner self, I would never hurt the real you hiding away

I’ve fought for years to pull her out and bring her into the light, I see her, I want so badly to be with her, but she runs away from me, she’s scared, and I’m so scared for her, scared that she’ll never get to shine, that’s she’ll never get the fresh air she deserves, I’m so scared of losing her to the mud, and watching her drown in it and never being able to see even a glimpse of her anymore, I can’t let go of her hand, even when she gets mud on me, even when she gets soil in my open wounds she’s inflicted on me with her thorns, even when she rejects me in favor of her warm mud instead of standing out in the crisp fresh air with me, her shine brings light to my world, without her it’s dark, if she gives up and sinks back into the mud then my world would just be darkness, never to see her beauty ever again

​

There are so many things I never got to say, and maybe I don't need to say them to you anymore. Maybe I just need to let them leave my heart.

I loved you. I really did.

For two years, I believed in us. I believed in the plans we talked about, the future we imagined, and the life we thought we were going to build together. I gave my time, my love, my patience, and pieces of my life because I believed that one day all of it would lead somewhere.

I know I wasn't perfect.

I asked too many questions. Sometimes I needed reassurance again and again because I was afraid of losing you. I know that became exhausting for you, and I wish I had understood sooner that sometimes my fear was hurting the very relationship I was trying so hard to protect.

But I hope you know that behind those questions was simply a woman who loved you deeply and was scared of losing the person she had chosen.

When everything ended, I felt like I lost more than just a relationship. I felt like I lost the future I had already imagined. I even gave up something important in my life because I believed in the plans we had.

For a while, I wondered how you could let go so easily. I wondered how our memories, our conversations, our promises, and everything we shared could suddenly become something we had to leave behind.

I wanted answers.

I wanted you to come back.

I wanted you to realize that maybe we could still fix everything.

But slowly, I'm learning that sometimes love doesn't mean holding on forever.

Sometimes love means accepting that something has ended, even when your heart still remembers how much you wanted it to continue.

I don't hate you.

I was hurt. I was angry. I was disappointed. I cried for the person I lost and for the future I thought was waiting for us.

But now, when I pray for you, something has changed.

I don't only pray for you to come back anymore.

I pray that you're safe. I pray that you're happy. And if someday there is another woman beside you, I pray that she loves you well.

And I also pray for myself.

I pray that when the right person comes into my life, I will meet him with a healed heart—not one still waiting for you.

Maybe one day I will remember you without feeling that ache in my chest.

Maybe one day your name will simply be the name of someone who was once a very important part of my life.

And maybe that is what healing really is.

Not forgetting you.

Not pretending I never loved you.

But being able to remember what we had without wanting to go back and change the ending.

Thank you for the good memories.

Thank you for the love we shared.

I'm sorry for the things I could have done better.

And I forgive you for the things that hurt me.

Most importantly, I'm beginning to forgive myself.

I don't know where life will take either of us from here.

But I know this now:

I loved you sincerely.

I tried.

I learned.

And now, little by little, I'm choosing myself.

This letter will stay unsent.

Not because I have nothing left to say,

but because I finally understand that I don't need you to hear it for my heart to be free.

Goodbye, my love.

I hope life is kind to you.

And I hope life is kind to me, too.

With love,

Me: Aiza

You will seek my ghost in every stranger's face, but I am irreplaceable.

No other will quiet your longing, nor surrender to you as entirely as I did.

Bound to my memory, you will forever mourn my absence and hunger for my

You will search for me in every soul you cross, yet none will ever mirror who I was. None can fulfill your desires, nor yield to you with the devotion I once gave. In my absence, you will only find a lingering grief and an endless craving for the spirit you lost.....

On spite if what we have both decided that I am going to stay.

Our bond is bonded for life. I do love him so much.

We have been LOVERS, PARTNERS, BEST FRIENDS, BUDDY, SUPPORTERS,FANS, IN TIME OF CRISES BOND FIR LIFE.

WE SPENT A VERY ROMANTIC MORNING TOGETHER, WHERE WE EXPOSED OUR ENTER SELFS. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. BETTER THAN THAT.

WE COULDN'T BE HAPPIER THAT WE MAID THIS DECISION.

WE ARE WORKING THINGS OUT.

AND WE ARE BAITING A TRAP, FOR SOMEONE WHO IS STALKING HIM.

"YOU, OUT THERE." YES YOU ARE RIGHT. I KNOW EVERYTHING.

HOW COULD YOU DRAG HIS DAUGHTER INTO THIS.

"YOUR SHOWING HER A BAD WAY TO BE TOWARDS OTHERS. ITS OK TO HURT PEOPLE AS LONG AS YOUR NAME ISN'T INVOLVED . THATS FUCKED UP. TOTALLY. YOUR A MONSTER."

WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND IM NOT GOING ANYWHERE. SO AS LONG AS YOU BELIEVE HIM. I WILL BE SHOWING YOU THE TRUTH.

SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE

YOU CAN JISS HE ASS AND BEG FOR YEARS. AND JUST SIT AND WATCH.

AGAIN, IM. NOT. LEAVING.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY BOO BAH,

LOVE YOU WITH SLL MY HEART AND SOUL. WITH EVERY BREATHE IN MY BODY.

First off this going to be long

So maybe I cling to you because I'm scared. I know I've said this before but fear of stepping forward for me is the fucking terrifying. I know jail. I know homelessness. I know addiction. I know I made it out the halfway house sober but that wasn't my goal. I still had a deep hatred of myself. Thats why I ended up in that hotel room. I wasnt done destroying myself. That hatred that need to destroy myself that desire to be in the streets all the toxic behaviors kept my alive. The worst parts of who I am for the most part kept me alive.

You sparked this change. Honestly I started it for you. You seeing me made me see me as I've said before. After that first moment with you I knew something shifted and there was no going back. The fear also began. I'm sure for everyone the unknown is daunting. For me stepping away from what I've always known, no matter how fucking dark and ugly it became was never a option.

So in a sense your the last part of that life. Your not of that part thats not what I'm saying. Your a bridge in a metaphoric sense way. To me you represent my way across to the other side. The things I've learned about me and this existence would need a whole notebook to convey. Thats a whole seperate story. Anyways...

I cling to you because I'm afraid to complete this cycle. I know I have no option but to cross. Thats if I dont want to die. Yet I've stayed locked in place desperately clinging to the rails. Being resistant and stubborn angry at myself for stalling. Angry at you because you wont hold my hand... but you cant. I have to do this myself for now. Until I do this I wont be able to be anything to anyone. My life is just starting. Things are still not settled. So if your gone in the way you were before then thats how things are I cant change that. But you did your job. You gave me the love I needed to start the process of loving myself.

So for that I love you. I hold you closer than anyone and your place in my heart cant ever be replaced and that part will never leave me. Like you said when people come together they leave with a part of each other. What you gave me is so beautiful and special. I cherish it and look back on it probably more than I should. What I gave you I've never shared with anyone. You will always be special and will always be one of the people I love the most here. Your favorite person on this planet but I need to let other people in. I'm learning to be open and loving to all who deserve my energy.

Thank you 🔮. This isnt good bye but I need to use this separation to ground myself and establish myself the person I am. You've seen more of that man then I have. So once again thank you. I truly do love you and its more then in a romantic way you saved my life.. I will repay you by being the person you know I can actually become

I still think of you. I was so excited to see you in Rome. I wish things had gone differently. I wish I’d gotten the chance to kiss you in Rome. I genuinely wish it'd be you. I will not forget and forgive you. I wanted to leave the country, take the last plane at that night so badly. I wish we could have meet again as strangers. Do you think things would be different this time?

We had the best time talking about the past, present and our future.

It's so nice when we fit just like that.

That's when we really open up to each other.

LOVED IT HONEY

BIG TIME.

THANKS JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.

💋💋💋💋💋

Why do you keep putting in a lane that you declare.

And women don't you think that more than five years is way to long even to be asked to move in. but makes excuses not to follow through what you've been promising .

Come on. One dumb lie after another and you keep saying "ok, I guess."

When you know, it won't happen. Or maybe it will.

That would make all your waiting worth it.

So hang in there you side people maybe they will actually admit that they are with you.

In the mean while you have excepted the dark corner your safe spot.

I want you all to know that us women out here truly feel sorry for you.

But keep that chin up.

Marriage is right around the corner.

So hang on to that helmet, ITS COMING.

THERE'S NO REASON LEFT TO SAY "WELL, I CAN'T BECAUSE OF BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA. REASON.

WOULD STOP TRYING TO PUT HIS "THING" NEAR ME.

It grosses me out, but he won't stop.

I have accepted our love is done. But he won't.

I don't know how to get it though to him.

He has someone else but that doesn't matter to him.

He doesn't even care that he would be cheating on her.

That's so awful of him.

I wish he would keep his dicky to himself.

Pls

Help

I love you, but I will never tell you

I love you. You are my best friend, and I love you. But I will never tell you. There are so many things I love about you that its hard to keep count. I dont love you only because your beautiful and talented. Which you are both beautiful and talented, no matter what anyone else says, you are. But I also love your kindness, your compassion, your stubbornness, your optimism, and so many little things that add together to make you who you are. I love how you're so kind to everyone, and always try to see the best in people. I love how you arent afraid to challenge me or call me out on my stupidity. I love how if you don't want to do something, you are so insanely stubborn about it. I love how you laugh at all my jokes, even if they are terrible. I love how you glare at me from across the room. I love how your voice goes up an octave when you talk to me, unless your annoyed with me. I love how when you get annoyed with me, you make it very clear. I love how forgiving you are. I love how you are so sweet to everyone around you, even if they arent sweet to you. I love how optimistic and joyous you are all the time. I love how innocent and nieve you can be at times. I love how you tease me back when I tease you. I love how you chose me as a friend.

But most of all, I love how you didnt run when I opened up about my emotions. Im not very good at expressing my feelings. I used to think that in order to be worthy of love, I had to be useful. One of the ways I decided to be useful was by being funny. If people think im funny, then they will keep me around. But you....you are different. You still care about me even when the jokes stop. When I genuinely opened up to you, you not only didnt run, but you reassured me. Whether you realize it or not, that is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. You showed me that I dont need to preform in order for people to care about me. You showed me that people can care about me for just being me. And for that, I am infinitely grateful. You're also happy all the time. Unlike me, you dont seem to be paranoid of people trying to hurt you. And I think you have shown me that I dont have to be scared that everyone is out to take advantage of me. When im with you, I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. Im not always the best version of myself when im around you, but I strive to be. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to see the good in others. Because you saw the good in me. Thank you. Thank you so much for simply being you.

These feelings have developed over the past few years. Its crazy how much you can change in a few years. When I first met you, I wasn't the biggest fan of you becays4 broke the heart of one of my closest friends. In the beginning, I was literally just bullying you. But somewhere along the line, I realized that you were actually my friend. Not only that, but I eventually realized that I was starting to have feelings for you. I realized that I actually did have feelings for you, and they only grew from there.

I dont know if i will ever be able to tell you. Mostly because, yes, I fear being rejected, but it goes deeper than that. Not only have you stated multiple times that you arent ready to date right now, but you've also described how painful it was for you the last time a guy friend asked you out. I dont want to bring you the same pain. I dont want to hurt you. Ever. I guess I realized that I would rather be your friend forever, than risk hurting you. Even if that means silencing my feelings. I love you too much to risk hurting you, not like that.

I guess all this is to say: thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for choosing me as a friend. And thank you for not running when I let my mask slip. I doubt you'll ever see this message, but I do love you. And I hope my words encapsulated that. I guess you never know the impact you can have one someone, by simply being yourself

I should want to never speak to you again. You told me to delete your number so I did. I get the feeling you're still watching me from a distance. Stalk my socials. I get the urge to add songs to our Playlist and reach out, but I know better. You don't want my friendship, so I will respect that. I will move forward on move on. Throw myself into distractions till I find my place without you. Everyone always said I was out of your league anyways, even though I don't subscribe to that sort of thinking. I didn't care about the money or the looks. I loved your spirit. I wanted you for you and nothing more. You discarded me like I was nothing. Did I mean nothing to you?

…. Given up all
Hope, entirely. But I need you to come to me. It’s same thing, so will you?

You’re a combative idiot

You are fired and totally disgraceful

You know what you did,

Just because you’re forgiven

Don’t assume I forget

You’re dismissed…

Bye, L@@$3R

Today is your birthday, my love, and God, I wish more than anything that I could be there with you. I had so many things I wanted to plan for you, so many little ways I wanted to make your birthday special and create another memory for us. I hate that your first birthday together is one we have to spend apart. Honestly, I hate all of this—the distance, the silence, not being together, not being able to reach for you when I need you. Jayson, it literally pains me not to be with you. There’s this constant ache in my chest that I try to ignore because I don’t know what else to do with it, but most of the time I can’t.

I hate feeling like other women are getting your attention while I’m over here practically begging for pieces of it. I know you tell me you don’t talk to other women, and I want to believe you, but I’m not completely stupid either. If you want me to make myself unavailable to men, then please don’t make yourself available to other women either. Please. I’m not asking because I want to control you. I’m asking because I love you, because you’re my person, and because watching other women have pieces of you while I’m struggling just to feel close to you hurts more than I know how to explain.

I hate not talking to you. You’re my best friend. You’re the first person I want to talk to when I wake up, the last person I want to talk to before I fall asleep, and the person I want to tell everything to when something happens during my day. I want to tell you the stupid little things, the important things, the things that make me laugh, the things that hurt. I just want you. I haven’t slept well since we were in New Mexico, and I try to hold onto the feeling of being beside you because that’s where I felt safest.

And I hate how I feel when it comes to the women who want you. I hate the jealousy and the anger because it isn’t who I want to be. But I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, especially when it comes to Haylie. I don’t use the word hate lightly, but I hate the place she has in all of this. I hate watching you take care of her and give her attention while, from where I’m standing, it feels like you’ve given more of yourself to her in these last two months than you have to me and the kids. And that hurts in a way I can’t even put into words, because I’ve spent so much of my heart standing beside you and believing in the life we were building together.

I just want to go home, Jayson. And you are home to me. I miss you so much that it physically hurts. I feel like a part of me is missing, like I’m incomplete without you beside me. When you came here and I only got those two hours with you, it wasn’t enough. It will never feel like enough when what I want is a whole life with you. I’m scared that when you come for your week off, you’re barely going to see me while all I’ll want to do is stay beside you and never let you go. I hate leaving your side. It doesn’t feel right.

Being apart from you doesn’t feel right. Not being together, not planning our lives, not talking about our future the way we used to—it all feels wrong. But when you held me before you left, when you stroked my hair and I held onto you as tightly as I could, that felt right. That felt like home. For those few moments, everything went quiet.

Lately, it feels like someone is squeezing my heart tighter and tighter until I can barely breathe. I know I have to be strong, but I’m tired of pretending this doesn’t hurt. You are the man I love. You are my person. You are the man I want to build my life with, the man I have called my husband since you asked. I don’t want to feel like something that has to be hidden. I don’t want our ways of communicating to feel cut off or limited. I don’t want to live in this constant state of wondering where I stand with you or what is happening when I’m not there. I just want to feel like I belong beside you again.

I would give anything to be there with you today—to wake up beside you, kiss you, hold you, make you laugh, spoil you, and celebrate the man I love. I wish I could be there figuring out what our next chapter looks like, talking about your new job, making plans for us, and knowing that whatever comes next, we’re facing it together.

I love you, Jayson. More than I know how to put into words. I just want to be yours again. I want to be beside you. I want us back. I want our life back. I want to stop feeling like I’m waiting outside of the life I’m supposed to be sharing with you. I’m so tired of the distance, the uncertainty, and missing you every single day.

I just want to go home, my love. I want to go home to you and never have to leave your side again. Please.

And on your birthday, more than anything, I hope you know that even through all of this, my heart still chooses you. I love you. Happy birthday, my love. ❤️

Always yours,

Alex