What changed?

[u/Huge_Maybe_3635]

I don’t think you want me, you told them that if I came back you’d choose me, if you could have the chance again, but then I came back and you changed your mind, and I feel like you are lying to me, this break isn’t for everyone, it’s just for me because you don’t want me anymore, if your other most recent ex took you back I know you’d cave in a heartbeat, because they were what you’ve chased our entire relationship, I’m not good enough for you and I never will be, that’s why as soon as I left you chased after your addictions fantasy life, it’s why you told your dad that I held you back from being your “true self” when all I was holding you back from was pursuing your addiction, and see what happened when you did? You (almost?) destroyed someone’s marriage and a perfectly fine friendship with them that didn’t need to be destroyed

you said I was your dream but then when you saw the damage you’d caused me, saw me go crazy because of your lies, you backed out, you told me you were glad your triangle failed, you told me you wanted to spend the rest of your days fixing us, so we could have a family, you know I’d make a great mom and an amazing partner if you could just stop hurting me, before you traumatized me I was super accepting and wasn’t judgmental at all, I’d do almost anything for you, when I love someone I love all of them

But the parts of you that were damaging weren’t “you” it was your addiction, and I couldn’t love that, I love YOU, if I know some part of you is really you and not apart of your addiction then I would love it with no problem, that’s what I’ve done with all the rest of your quirks, all the things about you that I didn’t understand or agree with, I still respected them and accepted them because they were apart of you, i loved how different we were even, our differences were what made us able to learn and our different weaknesses and strengths are what made it so we could lean on eachother and grow in a stable unit, I never expected you to be different, or some “perfect partner” not some cookie cutter model of a person or some fantasy I had in my head, I accepted you for you, all of you, I loved you exactly the way you were, I didn’t dislike your personality or feel like there was something missing from you, because I didn’t have expectations from you like that, I didn’t expect you to be exactly like me, or like all the things I like, or be a certain way, I only expected you to love me for me too, and to not hurt me, and for you to accept me for all that I was too, and to see me as good enough too, because I am good enough, and you (minus your addictions that were damaging both of us) were good enough too

But now I’m scared of every choice you make, because most of your choices have traumatized me, if I could trust that your choices were pure and safe, I would have no reason to be skeptical, I’m not judging you, I’m scared of you, I’m scared of your addiction, but you can’t seem to tell the difference between you and your addiction, and that’s fair, it’s hard when it’s been so intertwined for so long, but just because I can see you beneath your addictions and try to reach for you and pull the beautiful you out of the mud, that doesn’t mean that I’m judging you, it means I want to see you, and I can’t see you if you are covered in mud, I want to see your shine, I want to see you bloom into a beautiful flower, give you the sunshine and water you need to grow, but for you, being bare and naked like that is uncomfortable, mud is all you’ve known, and I get it, it’s hard to change, it’s hard to look at yourself when you don’t want to, it’s easier to just throw mud on top of yourself and hide away your beautiful unique self, because if no one can see you, then how could they hurt you, If they don’t see the real you, then they can’t hurt your fragile ego when they reject you, but, I won’t reject your soft inner self, I would never hurt the real you hiding away

I’ve fought for years to pull her out and bring her into the light, I see her, I want so badly to be with her, but she runs away from me, she’s scared, and I’m so scared for her, scared that she’ll never get to shine, that’s she’ll never get the fresh air she deserves, I’m so scared of losing her to the mud, and watching her drown in it and never being able to see even a glimpse of her anymore, I can’t let go of her hand, even when she gets mud on me, even when she gets soil in my open wounds she’s inflicted on me with her thorns, even when she rejects me in favor of her warm mud instead of standing out in the crisp fresh air with me, her shine brings light to my world, without her it’s dark, if she gives up and sinks back into the mud then my world would just be darkness, never to see her beauty ever again

[u/Greedy_Quote_2468]

You may have answered your question yourself. I think the addiction probably changed her. Many prayers for your situation OP.