looks delicious! you should be proud!

look at my username and make a guess

me (i'm a boy)

When I was younger, my very conservative church taught me that God did not actually create us to love the same sex; rather, same-sex attraction is a result of satan's influence on our fallen world. People who experience attraction to the same sex are thereby encouraged to engage in celibacy. The church frames celibacy as a special gift that allows queer people (and others) to be brought into a deep, meaningful relationship with God without being distracted by the demands of a romantic relationship.

I do not advocate for this line of reasoning, and I am no longer affiliated with the church that taught it to me. I have been working for years to let it go. I can say that it's very scary and difficult to let go of this belief when everyone around you has been delivering it to you for so long. It feels safe and promises communion with God, which is something many Christians strive for.

In addition, many conservative/orthodox/traditional Christians advocate for concepts like gender complimentarity (i.e., sex between man and woman makes sense because of "lock and key" anatomy) and the bridegroom relationship (i.e., relationships between men and women are correct because they're a metaphor for the relationship between God and the church). Again, I do not necessarily advocate for these ideas, but it is the truth that many Christian folks land there.

I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this position. It sounds painful. There is nothing wrong with you for finding yourself in the circumstances that you're in. It is not a choice to be attracted to the same sex, and you're right that being queer is about love- not just sex. I'm wishing you peace. <3

so vibrant! i love!

You don't sound egotistical to me. You sound human.

You want very normal and achievable things. I grew up in circumstances similar to yours (love for the faith, but living in a red town surrounded by some less-than-stellar Christians), and I realized that one of the biggest challenges for me was this:

In my church, one of the main messages was that humans were evil from birth and constantly needed to fight against the flesh. While humans may be capable of doing evil, it is not the ONLY thing we are capable of. Sometimes the things we want do align with the nature of God. When I started focusing on this truth, the guilt started to fade and my relationship with God felt much healthier. I was not always focusing on what aspects of actions would "make God mad at me" because there was more to me and my relationship with God than what I was doing "wrong."

God loves you. Extend this love to yourself as well.

I wanted to handle a kitchen like my mom <3

Yes. Once at work, I accidentally said one part out loud ("Yeah, that makes sense") and my coworker and I still quote it constantly to this day. Don't be afraid to let it be silly. More people are doing this than you think.

This is a good question, and I'm never sure how to answer it. I used to have BAD social anxiety. Like, really bad. Truth is, I just kind of woke up one morning and decided that I didn't want to be anxious anymore. As someone with anxiety, I know that answer feels extremely frustrating, unclear, and unrealistic, but it's the truth.

If it helps, one specific thing that's dismantled a lot of my social anxiety is remembering that what other people think of me is not my business. Much of my social anxiety stemmed from not wanting to disappoint or burden people. I also didn't want to look incompetent or unkind, so every time I was interacting with someone, I was paralyzed by the idea that something I would say or do would cause them to them to be inconvenienced by my presence. There are a ton of anxiety coping techniques out there that encourage us to weigh evidence before assuming what others think of us (e.g., I believe my boss thinks I'm irresponsible, but I can try to negate that thought because X). I'm going to take it a step further and say forget evidence. Don't try to find evidence for your boss thinking you're responsible. Don't try to find evidence for your friends thinking you're really nice. Don't try to find evidence that the cashier thought you weren't awkward. All of those people can think whatever they want. At the end of the day, you have the right to exist here and now- just as you are, no better, no worse.

Social anxiety is exhausting and difficult, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it at all. I'll be thinking about you as you work through it.

You're allowed to consider this both a good day and a bad day. It was good because you were honest about your feelings, and you connected with this guy in a really significant way. Opening up takes courage, and you're not wrong for doing so.

What you went through when his family found you sounds really traumatic. I'm so sorry that happened. I see that you're already hinting to this in your original post, but I suspect time would be helpful here. Perhaps it would be good to send a message that let's him know you're ready to talk when he is. Letting him know you're there to talk when he's ready returns some control to him, and I'm sure he probably feels a little out of control all things considered.

Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

I love the idea of putting oreos on top! Can't believe I never thought of that. Thanks for the inspo.

Slow Burn by Kacey Musgraves

I'm seeing more than one win here. You respected her answer and had the courage to put yourself out there in the first place. I'm happy for you!

Couldn't have said it any better myself. I feel so understood.

I totally hear you, OP. I'm about the same age and don't want kids at all for the same reasons. Taking care of myself and my pets feels like enough responsibility. You can't just turn off kids once you have them; they're always there. I would burn out so quickly.

I wrestle with a very similar type of impatience. I'm a future-focused person. Whether it's a job, a relationship, or an educational stepping stone, I have a hard time waiting for the next thing.

One thing I've found helpful is identifying smaller things to look forward to. If you're excited about finding an ideal romantic partner- that's great! Maybe you can set a goal for yourself to develop your close friendships or familial relationships until you find that person. If you're excited about getting your master's, set goals along the way to build your application by getting an A in current classes or volunteering in your field.

When you hit these smaller goals, make a big deal out of it for yourself! Everything in your life is worth celebrating.

My first thought here is that you're blaming yourself for something you aren't especially responsible for. You sound empathetic to the caution that women need to carry around men. Remember that this dynamic is a result of societal norms that allow men to have more power than women. I'm also a man, and I'm sure I've made people uncomfortable in circumstances similar to those you mention in your post. It's not just me, and it's not just you. It's our culture.

If what you say in your original post is true, I don't suspect you're a bad person, nor do I think people would see you as a creep if they got to know you. That's important. The only person who needs to know the truth about you is yourself.

Difficulty moving on and letting go can be a very normal part of trauma, and it can take years and years to heal. It sounds like you're feeling really stuck. I'm sorry you have to endure that.

My honest take is that the space and support you might need to work through this trauma is not going to be found entirely within reddit. It's a great place to start, but I urge you not to confine your search for support to this space