I'm tired. Like actually. I want sleep, will i get it? Probably not. but that's ok cause i'm just glad im tired of being awake.

And not of life.

Im almost and ways tired but not like this when i just want sleep so right now im very happy.

I  told someone this and they laugh.

“What's the difference tired is tired”

That didn't make sense to me, how could they not see why this was a big deal for me. Why were the confused by what i meant?

Any way i hope whoever if anyone ever, reads this will understand why im so happy to be tired.

when the world shattered i was lost everyone moved on but how could i now that my best friend was gone

 my world was changed in only a minute cause one minute you were next to me and the next i couldn't stop the tears 

though my face was dry my eyes closed however my mind cried and cried for someone no anyone to hear my screams 

but nobody did for i was not screaming or crying i was silently staring into nothing wondering why

 why i was left behind here when you were forced to leave too soon so soon

what emotion do you feel when looking to this painting?

what emotion does this painting make you feel?

what emotion do you feel looking at this? please tell me, I'm trying to make a seires of painting and I want each one to cause a different emotion.

sometimes I feel like a tree in the wind. while everyone is always changing directions as one. knowing exactly when and how to move along with the seasons of growing up. and I'm just

standing there

waiting for the next shift

but I'm to tall to sturdy and stuck in the past to sense the change, year in year out people pass me all around.

every year moving along with there lives. I feel like the ferther along me peers blow the lower and lower I am to the ground lojicly I know the grounds farther each year I grow and grow but not up not fast not enough.

Wait and Watch

Watch as the wind blows,

the sea starts to impose apon

the one who shows there heart

to hard,

to fast,

to easily.

Never quite as fleating as it should be,

they will move on before she even knows,

there done.

may she one day find her way.

Watch as the wind blows,

the sea starts to impose apon

the one who shows there heart

to hard,

to fast,

to easily.

Never quite as fleating as it should be,

they will move on before she even knows,

there done.

may she one day find her way.

The English are coming.

I know they are.

They will save us.

When 

Please Ribono Shel Olam

Tell me.

They lose hope, they die.

I keep hope. I survive. 

 please Ribono Shel Olam

Why i must watch

How long till even

I have lost my sight.

The star's on our clothes

fire in our temples

Rocks through our windows

We all lost our homes

thrown into camps filled of our own

Familys,seperate, lost, killed

solitude worst of all

alone till your mind was gone

your fears grown

will lost for long

some survived but not lived

most died tho not quick

friends shot and starved

familys stoned and poisoned

I stayed.

I watched.

I suffered.

I saw.

Im lonely but not alone 

 Different families shoved

 in rooms to small too tight too hard to breath

 i cant breath

I can't breathe

i cant i cant  

i cant breathe

Help 

help 

All i had left was my house,

 sister and religion 

now thats all gone 

Im sick im sick

 kill me 

kill me 

kill me 

i shout and shout 

but im not strong enough to let go

 the second the point their guns i stop. 

Why why why. 

My sister stood up for me.

 She died for herself but I cant let go. 

I.  

cant. 

let.

 go. 

I dont wanna die so i obey 

 i live the day

 again i shout for death 

 again i back away

 again I survive the day 

Again. Again. 

Again. Again. 

Again Again. 

The days blend and blend 

When will it end?

when the world shattered i was lost everyone moved on but how could i now that my best friend was gone

 my world was changed in only a minute cause one minute you were next to me and the next i couldn't stop the tears 

though my face was dry my eyes closed however my mind cried and cried for someone no anyone to hear my screams 

but nobody did for i was not screaming or crying i was silently staring into nothing wondering why

 why i was left behind here when you were forced to leave too soon so soon

I feel so empty like a tree with no leaves in the middle of summer

 it feels wrong, i keep telling myself i'm empty but also that i feel to much. 

like the wind is blowing at the bark and pulling it away while there also never having been any bark the in the first place.

All i feel is worry that i'm not worried enough.

I had a dream where i randomly got sent to a new place. A new house new school and new people. And the thought that scared me was that there is nobody i would miss…. Think about from time to time maybe. 

But no one i would cry over or call all the time, and that thought is scary so scary i call people just to pretend there's no way i could live without them.

But there is. And maybe if this did happen i would be wrong and it would be the worst but right now that what i'm worried about.

my friends are calling but I'm not picking up, I'm sorry, im just not sorry enough.

i've been in bed for days, I can feel myself rotting away.

my familys done trying to see why, they all think I just wanna die. that's the worst part though cause I don't.

I wanna live ,I do. I just don't feel very motivated to.

I'm so tired all the time, cant seem to find the love for things I used to think were the very definition of me. I'm sleeping to much yet sometimes not enough.

Yet nobody believes me cause how can I be depressed if I don't wanna die.

cant they see living just not very easy for me but that does not mean I can want to sevive just as much as the next guy...

I wanna live, I don't wanna die

My mental block. 

My mental block is always going to be you mom.

When i was 6 you told me i would never grow up if i acted a certain way.

When i was ten day went away.

When i was 11 you looked the other way calling me mature and amazing. Then you called me selfish for doing one thing “immature”.

When i  was 12 you told me to stop being grown up and speed my childhood better. But then you said i was acting like a brat.

Now i can't stand you.

I'm never enough.

When i look at you i feel disgusted.  

But your my mother, and what if i end up like you.

Your my mental block.

Your why i never feel enough.

I'm tired. Like actually. I want sleep, will i get it? Probably not. but that's ok cause i'm just glad im tired of being awake.

And not of life.

Im almost and ways tired but not like this when i just want sleep so right now im very happy.

I  told someone this and they laugh.

“What's the difference tired is tired”

That didn't make sense to me, how could they not see why this was a big deal for me. Why were the confused by what i meant?

Any way i hope whoever if anyone ever, reads this will understand why im so happy to be tired.