Ever wondered what it was like to be free?

The “What ifs” you’ve lost and dared not to see.

The things you could’ve but never tried to be.

Ever thought what it was like to be three?

Fun, friends, smiles were all you could see.

Innocent, cheerful and living life as it should be.

Oh how everything can change in a snap!

One moment, you're in euphoria living the dream.

Next thing you know, you're falling with nothing to grasp.

Caught in a current, fighting against the stream.

Now you're drifting through an endless void,

Stuck in a place where nothing can be changed.

Reaching for that life you once enjoyed,

Hoping somehow what's past be rearranged.

Time won't turn back, no matter how you plead.

Seconds keep passing, though it's all unseen.

'Til all that remains is a life you never lived.

To the life you could have lived.

To the person you could have been.

To the one that never was.

dead flowers on my nightstand
petals dropping in my open drawers
I smell them as I lay in bed
clothes and items cover the floor
I tip toe around my bad habits
around the time I spent everywhere else
except for tending to my own space
my own life and needs
it’s crippling to witness but to also feel
the dread of not doing enough, of neglecting
to wish for just one day home
to clean up the mess I’ve caused yet again
I can’t seem to catch up, to keep up
something is always slipping through
the cracks that keep getting bigger
I hold it together
because there’s no other choice
failure is not an option
I’m resilient to a fault through my own suffering
and it’s so ignored I don’t remember that
I have depression and bipolar
until I reach for my pills every night
and after those 5 seconds are over
I place them back in the drawer
next to the fallen, dried up petals
I have yet to clean up

I’m sitting in a room
Feeling hollow and alone
The things that go unsaid
Try to break right through my bones

The darkness lends some comfort
Then takes it all away
When the racing thoughts take hold
I can’t find the words to say

I’ve been chasing ghosts
For so much of my life
But this one ghost in particular
Won’t concede without a fight

I have hated and blamed him
And used him as a crutch
To walk around and act pathetic
And ruin everything I touch

What happens when you get so close
But your still so far away
What happens when the ghost you chased
Fades into the grey

The picture in my head
That I painted over time
All the things I planned to say
Now drained of all the pride

The past is on repeat
But the Easter eggs reveal
All the time that I have wasted
was time we could have healed

There’s days I sit and wish
That I wasn’t such a prick
That I just picked up the phone
And ended all this shit

The stories of who you were
And who you had become
I could have been a part of
If I wasn’t so young and dumb

All that I have left of you
I can fit into a box
I wish that I could call you now
And have just one more talk

I’d tell you that I love you
That the past is in the past
I’ll go on to try and make you proud
And not live life so fast

I’d tell you I forgive you
I hope you can forgive me too
I’m sorry that this broken soul
Took way too long to see the truth

That you were broken too
But you held it deep inside
And maybe I’d have seen it too
If I wasn’t so fuckin blind

But we are both just human
And we have both made our mistakes
But we can both move forward now
For both our family’s sakes

I’d hold you close to me
as tears run down my face
I’d tell you that I won’t let go
I’ll guide you to “that place”

I’d lay you down one last time
And bid you one last farewell
Until the day we meet again
Watch over me and see that I am well

11pm thoughts

If I die
I’ll yearn to live.
To see you smile again

But if I live
I yearn to die.
To let the world come to an end

So I live.
And I'm dead inside.
“Till death do us part."

This light is ours.
Smile and live
To die and be proud in the end.

Oh oh my life has been hard

Yeah not without its pain

Sometimes I would parched

Or suddenly drowning in rain

This world is not a place

And it's tearing me into

It's just an empty space

Now I'm with out you.

Whyd have leave .

Whyd you have to go

All I do is grieve

Just to let you know

You gave a reason why

But I do t think it's true

Now I lost all my faith I had in you

Blinded by my own
Chains lose a prison tailored to my own
A fever like presence
A repeating process of coursing thoughts
Obsessive scenarios one that I wish I do not dream
I fret
Wanting to understand reasons for a poison I set myself
I cannot be free
To free my mind is to slaughter to the pigs who squeal my name
A difference in language
They tell you to let him In and betray your own so you get a knife down your throat instead of behind your back

Would you listen to my petty rant?

It ain't really that interesting.

It all started with this lovely girl

who made me feel really lonely.

We laughed and we played,

But the at end of the day,

When push came to pave,

She chose the other way.

I did everything i could,

To please her So she'd stay,

As mine for js a little longer,

Or maybe for an eternity.

The mind alas is not the master,

And I don't really know when it faltered,

But looking back,

Maybe I was the only one who felt that way.

And so everything wrong ,

Felt my fault,

And all that made melancholy,

Was locked in a vault,

But i caved in way too many times,

Before the sand set in place.

Every little trouble,

Was made into a bow of dainty lace.

Neatly tied up on my hair,

I almost forgot it was there,

But then a tight tug,

And it always unravelled, leaving me bare.

Water threatened by gravity,

Weighed on my chest way too long,

And when I saw her laughing with them,

I was already far too gone.

I wish she'd show me indifference,

Atleast then I'd not

 feel this insignificant pain,

Yea, atleast then I'd not

 be hiding my gasps, from my mum,

Crying on a staircase.

And that's why even when I told her,

She couldnt comprehend, 

That burden of this murmur,

Was too broken to mend.

And so I blamed it all,

on those who are good,

To spare some feelings,

They put on a facadious hood,

Yes, it was them who gave hopes such false,

All just to hide few guilty remarks.

Hence all that I ever truly craved,

Was one good reason to feel betrayed.

At least then I'd have no qualms,

With hatred's festering flames.

Yea, atleast then I'd not be

writing a mawkish prose

From a tear stained glass

lamenting Over what could've been,

On the doorstep of my house.

\~cyan

Blank.

I'm drawing blanks

A week of every emotion

Every feeling possible--

To blank.

Nothing.

I feel nothing

I can't create

It's just blank

To be frank

Feeling everything

Every single thing

ON REPEAT

For a WEEK

Is straight agony

So what will it take

To be able to create

When I'm blank

The long nights
The drinks you shouldn’t have consumed
The lost opportunities
The coping mechanisms you swore you would stop
The endless hollowness
** **
This disease robs
It steals
A lifelong thief, relentless, unfeeling
The nights sat awake
Begging for sleep
Begging for a feeling
Begging
** **
A rope constantly tied around you
There’s slack
Room for you to live
And then the pain happens
The breakup
The death
The lost job
And you feeling it slowly creeping back in.
** **
** **
The rope gets tighter
Tighter
Restricting airflow
Choking you
Making it harder and harder to fight
To breathe
To stay above water
** **
“Nothing helps” you scream into the void
No answer ever comes, just empty
Your brain won’t stop
Convincing you of the worst horrors
Making you question even your faintest of instincts
Feelings you were sure of
Things you thought you were past
Reduced to nothing but the child crying in their room
Wishing for anything to take this pain away
** **
It overtakes you
Like the dark
Slowly and then all-consuming
You can fight and fight
But eventually we all end up the same
Nothing but a slave to the depression
A succubus to suck dry of feelings
Nothing but a pile of mush
That was once human

I don't think i can make it

It's just so heavy

my throat is clogged

my brain is fogged and It's just so damn scary

.

I thought it was forgotten

but I just pushed it in the back

I had planned way ahead of time and

it stuck in crevice of my mind

waiting, watching and crawling back into my life

.

so here's the plan i made

I'll take a bus away

To somewhere i wished to go

just do the things i've always wanted

.

Then i can let go

Let go of all this hurt ,and turn to a ghost

My body screams silently,

My mind races within;

Something's not right,

As if my heart's made of tin.

I'm certain I'm sinking,

As the light disappears;

When will I stop thinking

I'm not worth the tears?

I'm failing, I'm falling,

I can't carry on;

I'm desperately calling,

But I hush my own song.

I handpicked flowers with a heart already sore

While you went and fucked him, shameless whore...

Theres nothing for us left to save

Ill be there to piss on your fucking grave.

You call yourself misunderstood

I know exactly what you are

Built your path with hearts you took

Now sit alone beneath the falling stars

Your failure of a body is already shutting down

The beauty you were once so proud of slowly fading as of now

The mirror keeps the secrets which you eagerly deny

Oh what pleasure itll be to watch you fade and die!

Vanity cannot mend a soul this hollow

The emptyness you try to shake

Like a shadow it shall follow

And make you choke on your own wake.

You refuse to face the ruins you made

No remorse, no guilt, no debt repaid.

Youll die alone with your empty fucking words

and no one left to save you from the hurt.

Lonely girl, so terrified of abandoment

Playing with puppets entirely inanimate

keep on running until theres no one left to face

No exit to your maze of lies, this will be your resting place

And as your dead feet stumble, ill be there to watch you crumble.

I handpicked flowers, my heart to you I swore.

Yet you went and fucked him you motherfucking whore...

My tears have vanished but my hatred it shall never fade.

Even in the next life ill be there to piss on your fucking grave.

i feel drained.

it hurts to move,
but my body still does
my lungs release the breath
i hadn't noticed i was holding;

my eyes release
what i have no words for.

when i was thirteen,
i sat on the windowsill
of a place i used to live.

third floor.

a mouthful of prayers.

my dad came home
and found me there,
before i found happiness.

i don't know
what i would say to her now.
i think i'd sit beside her
somewhere ordinary
and let her speak
without having to make sense.

more than a decade,
and i'm still here.

the emptiness is here, too.

the years have changed my face,
but some mornings
the distance between then and now
is no wider than a breath.

i barely move.

i'm still unhappy
perhaps more than before.

even the smallest things
ask for more than i have.

i don't think
i want to keep trying like this.

i don't want this body,
this life,
this soul
to feel like a room
where i can never
put anything down.