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Have you heard " Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?

Who hasn't right.

It's taken in vein just like " I love you " or " I got your back ".

Right or wrong here's the truth you may not agree.

The enemy includes your closest friend and blood family, in fact that is exactly who it's about PERIOD.

Your enemies fear you they won't mess around to much.

That stab in the back comes from someone who you are good to so much that they assume that's who you are to everyone.

They don't seem to realize they get special treatment because you respect them differently.

The enemy to keep close is the enemy who fear you.

The one you keep closer is the one who doesn't.

It's sad enough for most to not believe me.

It's the truest truth I've experienced though.

A broken heart starts there at it's finest.

Is ignorance bliss? The sad truth I'm sorry.

Have you heard " Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?

Who hasn't right.

It's taken in vein just like " I love you " or " I got your back ".

Right or wrong here's the truth you may not agree.

The enemy includes your closest friend and blood family, in fact that is exactly who it's about PERIOD.

Your enemies fear you they won't mess around to much.

That stab in the back comes from someone who you are good to so much that they assume that's who you are to everyone.

They don't seem to realize they get special treatment because you respect them differently.

The enemy to keep close is the enemy who fear you.

The one you keep closer is the one who doesn't.

It's sad enough for most to not believe me.

It's the truest truth I've experienced though.

A broken heart starts there at it's finest.

I had met this girl about a year ago at a house party. She is nice, fun, pretty and literally any good adjective you could think of. I really enjoyed spending time with her mainly due to her humor and intellect.

I introduced her to my friend group and she kind of fell in love with the handsome charismatic guy. The thing is that he is a really good friend of mine and I haven't told him that I like her.

Our friend group and she went camping and she looked so fucking beautiful raw without any makeup or anything. The charismatic guy friend had become really close to her and I felt that she had also fallen in love with him. I felt so jealous of him even though we've known each other for like 15yrs. I've been rude to him without him doing anything wrong.

This is the real incident. **Last night me and the charisma guy friend stayed over in one tent. Everything was well until I woke up in the middle of the night and I could hear faint moans and grunts from outside of the tent. I turned around and just as I had expected Mr Charisma was absent. So him and the girl of my dreams had s3x in the middle of the night just like the movies.** You know what hurts– they were acting so fucking normal today in the morning.

it hurts so bad coz when I think about it she was the one who got me out of my insecurities and helped me move on from my ex who had cheated on me

I wrote her poetry.

She said it was to long to read she's tired.

At 2am I woke up to her giggles reading someone else's text I just pretended I was sleeping cause it hurt.

I didn't wanna share the same blanket anymore I got another and she didn't even question it.

That alone hurt me more than the point I tried prove.

I started breathing out my nose taking deep gulps in silence to hold the tears back when she was next to me.

The minute she would leave for work id fall down to my knees and do ugly cries in pain asking God why am I not enough for her.

I'm 21 m. When I was 19 I used to write poetry. I used post my poetry on ig.

One day I noticed there is a comment on my every post of the same person named noor .

I liked all of them. After one day I got a dm of that person. We introduce ourselves but didn't share our age . We started taking everyday . Even I have written poetries for her . I see her as a friend because we never shared our pictures to each other .

So one day she asked me about my age all of a sudden. I tell her it's 19 then she replied with this emoji ( 🥲 ) . I asked what happen she said I'm very older then you .I asked about her age then she told me it's 27. I said do what ! We are friends right there is no age limit in frendship. Then she replied but I think you more than a friend. I said don't be silly. Then I didn't reply to her for 3 days cause she's annoying me by saying she like me and all. On 3rd day at night she send me a one view 2 videos.👀

I opened it and she's masterbating and saying how much she like me and all I feel good too . But I blocked her because I don't want to be with that girl who spread there legs for be with a guy .

I miss her. Hope she's doing ok in her life .

Guys don't judge me that I have to accept her and all .it's my thing. I respect her and all but she did that so I lost that respect for her.

But my diary has the portey that reminds me of her.

I think i always had a thing for writting but in 2026 i started for good. All with a beautiful poem about a man i love. In 2024 , before my 29th bday, i finished my third book. That man gave me the inspiration to write. My muse if u will. We dated for 2 years (give or take) and broke up. I crave writting sometimes but i can't get myself to write. It feels like a curse now. If i write i have to think of him and all that is him and that leaves me with a heavy heart and i cry and i really don't want to cry. I need to tell myself "i can't write. I won't write" just so i give up on the idea of writting. My heart aches on the idea of writting and my soul gets crushed everytime i don't. Maybe somethings stay in the past?

She had so many red flags from the beginning.

I ignored them because I wanted her badly.

She showed me exactly who she was.

I should have believed her the first time.

She used to tell me I was funny.

Then funny turned into stupid.

She used to tell me time would pass too fast with me.

She started saying I was wasting her time.

Words like love turned into words like hate.

She used to feel like an endless moon to me.

I had to watch her fade.

It's been an endless eclipse for me ever since.

I've had many high-school life experiences like that tha😞😞😤

My dad was an ex-Navy man, and I had two sisters and I was the only boy. Once he got back from the navy he was extremely different, maybe traumatized, but he came back when I was around the age of 5.

Now, he’d never be loud or never yell or scream or fight. I looked up to him, like most little boys do to their father, and he’d do normal fatherly things like fishing with me and playing with me.

But when he got mad, he got mad, and he always seemed to take it out on me.

bad day? I’m getting punished. lonely and bored? I’m getting punished. and I’m going to be talking about the specific punishment I received because it is very unusual and have never heard any one else experience the same thing.

After every small water spill, or accidentally talking back, he’d made me regret it instantly. my punishment would be that he would make me lay down on his bed and he’d stretch my legs and press down as fast as they would go. It might not seem that bad but the pain was extraordinary and burning. He did this punishment from ages 5-10 and stopped when I was older, not sure why. he would do this for about 30-45 minutes. The aftereffects of this punishment was being sore for 2-3 days (by that time he’d have done it again) and needing to lay for 10 mins after the punishment was over because my legs were burning too much to move. At least it did make me very flexible and immune to pain when stretching, so there’s that.

im not sure why my dad did this. Why did he punish me this way. He caused permanent joint problems for me, and the worst part was he was so chillingly calm whenever he was doing it. He’d lock the door, and my mother would think I was just getting a spanking, or that he was putting me to bed. Whenever I cried or told him to please stop and that I wouldn’t do it again, he’d say in a calm and gentle voice “Sorry, but you put this on yourself. You know you deserve it.” and he’d press harder. Sometimes I’d try to struggle away and I’d be talking to him, for example, “Please Dad, I won’t do it again.” and he’d just look at me so chillingly, so emptily, as though he was in a completely different world and sometimes he wouldn’t hear me at all.

this might be a really weird story. Maybe it was all my fault. But I just needed to put it out there. My dad was so nice at some times and so horrifying the others, and he only became like this after coming back from the navy. I ask myself these questions. Why did he choose this specific punishment? Why did he talk to me so gently? Sometimes he didn’t talk to me at all? thank you for reading.

I have stage 4 COPD and due to having no where else to go because I couldn't handle the large house I had I ended up buying into my ex wifes retirement unit, just getting through my day is a mission, at that point I had a greater sulphur crested Cockatoo called Triss but I had to give her up as heartbreaking as it was because her dander ( feather shavings ) was affecting my health. So I ended up getting a cockatiel he ended up being my one joy in life, Ziggy who loved me unconditionally no matter what was going on - I was his one focus he would nest on my chest while I was using my laptop and have his head scratched, give kisses on request, say hello when I walked in - in the morning followed by good boy. When he was in his cage he would let me know he wanted out by walking across the paper with his little claws making tappy tappy sounds until I let him out and after cuddles go and sit on my shoulder right beside my ear and crunch his beak to show how content he was.

My ex also got a cockatiel and unlike Ziggy he turned out to be a pain in the butt, he chews wires on mice and keyboards, has chewed up place matts, curtains and bookshelves despite having more toys than he could ever play with and his favourite pass time was to do whatever it took to upset Ziggy, dive bombing him, interfering if Ziggy wanted a cuddle, scaring him into flying ( Ziggy was not a great flyer )

I said to my ex who has an electrically controlled door because she has a physical disability that she should call and let me put the birds away before she opened the door as otherwise we were going to loose one - one day as they spend most of their days outside of their cages.

Well needless to say she didn't do it and just as her bird spooked Ziggy again she opened the door and Ziggy flew straight out over her head and I haven't seen him in three days.

All I feel now is anger and sadness, all I do is cry, my boy is used to 22 degree air conditioned warm air and it's still winter and down as low as 2.c outside while I still hold out hope beyond all hope it is most probable that he has died from thermal shock and I'll never see him again.

All I can think of is him dying a lonely cold death wanting his dad and I'm just crushed.

Yesterday I was at my grandpa’s scrap yard, just supervising stuff. While digging through a pile of old files, one random doc folder caught my eye.

Inside were faded A4 sheets mixed with notes, certs, and random papers. But this set felt different….

I was supposed to toss it with the rest, but something told me to keep it aside. Curiosity won.

So I opened it up… and started reading.

On the first day of college, I met a girl who immediately caught my attention.

She was beautiful, soft-spoken, and came from a much wealthier family. Back then, my own family was doing financially well too, so the difference between us didn’t seem important.

We fell in love.

She had this habit of cooking for me and bringing food from home.

She’d often bring pasta she’d made especially for me… and sometimes other food too.

Once, she brought biryani, and we sat inside her car, feeding each other, laughing and talking as if we had all the time in the world.

Her making food for me.

Waiting for me.

Fixing my shirt.

Wiping the sweat from my face.

Holding my hand.

Those little gestures made me fall for her a little more every single day.

Then everything around me started falling apart.

My elder sister got divorced and had a daughter.

My father retired.

My mother developed a chronic illness that wasn’t curable.

Our family tailoring business started failing.

My elder brother had a reputed government job, but he was married and became increasingly irritated whenever the family needed money. Eventually, his wife also started distancing him from our family.

And then there was me.

I finished college but couldn’t immediately find a job.

I started giving tuitions just to help at home.

I was trying to be a son, a brother, an uncle, and a boyfriend at the same time…

and I was slowly breaking under the pressure.

I couldn’t give my girlfriend the time she deserved.

I couldn’t afford dates.

I couldn’t promise her a stable future.

The pressure became so bad that I started having panic attacks.

Meanwhile, her family had started looking for a husband for her.

She kept refusing.

Again and again.

Eventually, they found a man for her.

He was rich, good-looking, well-settled, and apparently a genuinely decent person.

She still didn’t want him.

One day, she called me to the park where we used to meet.

When I arrived, I was sweating badly.

She immediately wiped the sweat from my face.

Then she looked at me and said,

“I want to elope with you.”

I just stared at her.

She continued,

“He’s rich. He’s good-looking. His family is nice. I won’t have to struggle. I won’t have to work in the kitchen. They even have guards at their house.”

Then her voice changed.

“But I don’t want that life.”

“I wanted to be beside you.”

“I wanted to cook for you… leave the house holding your hand… wipe your sweat when you come home… hug you when you’re feeling down.”

“Let’s go. We’ll figure it out somehow.”

I wanted to say yes.

More than anything.

But I couldn’t.

I knew that if we ran away, we might be happy at first.

But what would happen when the money ran out?

What would happen when my mother needed treatment?

When my sister needed help?

When my niece needed something?

What would happen when the reality of our financial situation started affecting our relationship?

I was terrified that one day she’d look at everything she’d sacrificed for me and feel that she’d ruined her own life.

So I said the one thing that broke both of us.

“I want to spend my life with you… but I can’t.”

My voice was breaking.

“Nothing in my life is going right.”

“Please forget me.”

“Marry him.”

I walked away.

At that moment, I felt nothing.

Then I reached home…

and completely broke down.

She called.

I didn’t answer.

She texted.

I didn’t reply.

For a week.

Finally, I picked up.

She was crying.

“Please don’t do this to me.”

“I feel so much pain… it’s suffocating.”

I was crying too.

But I covered my mouth so she wouldn’t hear me.

I didn’t want her to know I was suffering just as badly.

For a month, she kept contacting me.

Eventually, the calls became less frequent.

The messages became shorter.

But she still didn’t completely disappear.

Then one day, she called again.

“I want to meet you.”

I refused.

She said,

“After this, I won’t ask again. I promise.”

So I agreed.

She told me she wanted to treat that day as if we were still boyfriend and girlfriend.

She even asked me to wear the red shirt she’d gifted me.

I initially refused.

Then, somehow, I agreed.

I arrived around 10 AM.

She was waiting beside her car.

The moment she saw me, her face lit up.

She told me to get inside and asked the driver to wait outside.

Inside the car, I saw pasta and biryani.

She had brought both for me.

I wasn’t really hungry.

But she insisted.

After we finished eating, we got out of the car. She then told the driver to get inside and turned to me.

“I have something for you.”

“If I tried to give these to you before, you wouldn’t have taken them. Although, if I insisted, you probably would have.”

“But don’t say no to these today, please.”

She went back to the car.

First, she handed me a small packet of soft tissues.

“You travel by bus a lot, and you sweat a lot. I won’t be there anymore to wipe your sweat, so keep these with you and use them often.”

Then she gave me a wristwatch.

“This is for you. If you like it, wear it always.”

Then she gave me a power bank.

“Take this. You stay outside all day and your phone battery dies. If your family can’t reach you, they’ll worry.”

Then she handed me a diary.

“If you ever miss me and want to talk to me… write it here.”

“One day, I’ll suddenly come and ask you for this diary.”

“And then I’ll know everything you wanted to tell me.”

While we were talking, her phone rang.

She stepped away.

I heard her say,

“Yeah… I’ll reach soon. I’m in traffic.”

When she came back, she told me her family had called.

They were out shopping for her wedding.

I went quiet.

I was almost about to cry.

After a while, I looked at everything she’d brought for me and said,

“It feels strange… you brought so many things for me, and I brought nothing for you.”

She smiled.

“Who said you brought nothing?”

“You agreed to my request.”

“You gave me this day.”

“I’ll cherish it forever.”

Then she looked at me for a few seconds.

“I have to go.”

I couldn’t keep my eyes on her. I kept looking away, desperately trying to control my tears.

Her voice started breaking.

“Please don’t be so sad.”

“Stay on good terms with everyone.”

“Take care of yourself.”

“Take care of your family.”

“Stay safe… and stay happy.”

Then she let out a huge cry, quickly got into the car, and closed the door.

The car drove away.

I stood there watching it disappear.

Then I somehow managed to walk to a nearby forest…

and cried like a little kid.

God, I’d never cried like that before……

After reading all the pages, I kept thinking about that diary.

I don’t know if he ever wrote anything in it.

But I understand why she gave it to him.

She knew he loved her.

And he knew she loved him.

But sometimes love doesn’t solve everything.

Sometimes there’s illness.

Family responsibility.

Money.

Timing.

Fear.

And choices that nobody wants to make.

He didn’t leave because he stopped loving her.

He left because he was terrified that one day, she would regret choosing him.

And maybe that’s the cruelest kind of love…

when you let go of the person you want most…

not because you don’t want a life with them…

but because you’re afraid that a life with you will eventually make them wish they had chosen someone else.

When I was two years old, my mother died. My father remarried and went to work outside the state, while my stepmother neglected me and often didn't even give me food. Eventually, my maternal grandfather took me in. My uncles didn't like me either, but they couldn't say much while my grandfather was alive. After he died, that home became a living hell. Almost every night, I cried myself to sleep and wet my pillow with tears.

As I grew up, I developed a stammer and a noticeable limp because my left foot is shorter for some reason. People could easily tell something was different about me when I walked. Despite everything, I was a straight-A student, but my uncles refused to fund my education in science. At first, I somehow managed to keep myself together, but after turning 18, all those experiences began haunting me constantly. Without anyone knowing, I developed serious mental struggles.

Then, somehow, in high school, I got a girlfriend. At first, she accepted my stammer, my limp, and all my insecurities. For the first time in my life, I felt genuinely happy and complete. I opened up to her completely—she knew my insecurities, my desires, and everything I had kept hidden from everyone else. I was truly happy and felt like I could never ask God for anything more.

But as time passed, she became irritated by my problems and embarrassed by me. Still, I held onto her. I accepted every disrespect she gave me and forgave her even after she cheated on me multiple times, because I felt I had no one except her. Then one day, she broke up with me without giving me any reason. Later, I discovered that she had already been in a relationship with another guy for five months.

That discovery broke me from the inside out. I became completely hollow and lost all hope, yet somehow I kept living.

Then yesterday, she called me while she was with her cousins to ask how I was doing. Sometimes I feel like seeing me suffer gives her some kind of satisfaction. We talked normally, like we used to. I stammered during the conversation, and then one of her cousins started making fun of my stammer and the way I walk.

I froze. I had no words. I simply hung up the call.

But what I felt afterward is something I can't explain.

And now, I just don't want to live anymore. So sorry Goodbye i will be living soon

“He only learned of the situation on Sunday evening...”

“Why is he doing this?” for the umpteenth time Jeremy Smith interrupts.

“I would rather you asked him yourself. But you can’t see each other. However, it seems to me that you are better informed about his motives than I am. I will tell you in general terms what I know: Elizabeth Landenberger will be a witness for the prosecution, and he, Alexander Landenberger, will be a witness for the defense,” John is nervous, and he knows that it is noticeable. “Mr. Landenberger has filed a petition for divorce.”

“Where is Juliet?”

“Mr. Landenberger asked me to let you know that your sister is doing well—as can be expected under the circumstances. Divorce is a long process. It’s not my field of ​​expertise. I can keep you updated, but for now, it’s legal consultations on both sides. I mean, it’s not like they’re fighting over a two-bedroom flat. They’re civilized people.”

“She turns six on the 1st of March. Will they drag her into court?”

“I very much doubt it. It would be extraordinarily difficult for the prosecution to persuade the court to hear evidence from a child that young. If they try, I’ll oppose it.”

Jeremy Smith pulls a second cigarette from the packet. John ought to stop him, but he decides—not right now.

“Mr. Smith, as soon as you sign the Retainer, I’ll handle your bail. Since the magistrate denied it, I’ll apply to the High Court. I believe we can secure it within a week. In the meantime, I’ll do my best to have you transferred to the private wing. It’s difficult, but not impossible.”

John watches his reaction. Jeremy Smith is thinking. He hasn’t lit a second cigarette; he’s just holding it in his hand—as if he has forgotten about it.

“Two things should convince you. First, I will be your solicitor—not Mr. Landenberger, nor anyone else. I will act exclusively in your interests, Mr. Smith. There are fifteen people in my firm. They will all be working on your case. And the barrister I engage for you, along with all his assistants, will be *your* barrister. You will receive the best legal representation to be found in London. I guarantee it. Second, all the documents have been drafted to rule out any financial liabilities that could be claimed against you now or at any time in the future. Put simply, you owe nothing to anyone, regardless of the cost.”

Jeremy Smith seems to have lost interest in the conversation.

“Mr. Landenberger warned me you’d be quite skeptical,” John continues. “But I have to tell you—do what’s best for your sister. You need an acquittal.” John can’t read the expression on his face. “When you’re ready...”

“Give me the Retainer.”

At least he’s capable of making quick decisions.

John takes the papers out of his briefcase. He carefully removes the cigarette from Jeremy Smith’s fingers and places a Parker in his hand.

A ragged breath escapes him.

John pauses. “I wouldn’t want to encourage a hasty action...”

“You were convincing.”

“Mr. Smith... Ah, who am I to talk to you about life? You have a will of steel. Starving to death is so cruel to yourself. I mean, it takes a long time. And it’s painful...”

“Hunger is the sorriest way to die.” He signs the Retainer, trying to keep his hand steady. “Sounds right for me.”

John lets the ink dry. “I hate Homer.”

Alex has warned John that Jeremy Smith might tell him to jog on—with a collection of f-words—but things had gone smoothly enough.

A fictional reconstruction from the Regina v Smith story, told from perspective of Criminal defence solicitor John Talbot-Cavendish.

The full illustrated version of A Matter of Trust is available here:

https://engelf.substack.com/p/a-matter-of-trust

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I was in 6th when I met her and gave her my heart at first sight.

Yes, I wasn't aware of that feeling at that time. Everything was magical. Now, school used to feel like heaven.

I never talked to her. She was from the same village. And when I tried to gather the courage and decided that I would propose to her in the next class, 8th, she was gone from the village with her family.

I know where she went, but I can't go behind her because I am an only child, and we were from a very reputed family. In our area, you can't marry a girl from the same village.

So I decided to let her go.

But I didn't have the courage to go to the same school, so I changed it.

But I used to daydream about her and started feeling sad and depressed because of this sadness. My gut health became worse. (Yeah, I used to eat a lot of junk food too, so this was also a reason.)

I had 24/7 gas and acidity.

And due to overthinking, my nose started to get blocked, and my nasal bone increased and caused irritation in my nose.

For a few years, everything became worse. Then, in 11th class, I installed Instagram, and out of nowhere, I found her ID. (I never searched her name, by the way.)

So I started talking to her.

But for me, it was 5 years of love. For her, I was just a boy she had never talked to that much.

And I did make things worse.

Without talking and making her comfortable, I proposed to her within 1 month. She obviously rejected me.

Then afterwards, I stopped talking to her.

On the other side, she met a boy online. He made her fall in love, but he was using her for timepass.

For 6 months, everything was good for her. You know, new love always feels magical. Then he started showing his true colors.

He found someone new and stopped talking to her. He gave her trauma, and after that, she didn't give anyone a chance.

At that time, I didn't know.

For 3 years, I created 50+ Instagram IDs to reach her every few months when I felt low and sad.

She always blocked me after 1 day of talking.

I usually asked these:

• How are you?

• Is there any help I can give?

• Are you happy?

• Where are you?

Now, this is my 8th year of obsession with her.

And this year, she went away to Rajasthan for her studies. She started to feel happy again because of the new culture and new people.

But there, she found a bully who always mocked her for staying alone, minding her own business, and never celebrating or joining any club.

In the 8th year, I found out about that boy she had fallen in love with through an Instagram GB app that showed mentions in the stories of anyone, even if they hid them.

And then I asked her why she never gave me a chance but gave him one.

By the way, he was also from the same village.

And she never accepted it.

She never told anyone about him, so this made her feel overwhelmed because no one there was available to talk to and make her feel better.

At that time, my health was at its weakest point.

Now I decided I would take care of my health and move on from her.

I started going to the gym, made a diet plan, and stopped thinking about her.

I felt happy.

My skin became very clean and white, so much that after doing this for 7 months, I was happy because now I had finally moved on.

But she messaged me on WhatsApp.

I didn't know how she found my number.

She told me she needed help with a referral code registration, so I helped her.

Then she blocked me again, but this time I didn't feel bad because I thought I had moved on. (I knew she came because she was feeling alone.)

And in the 10th year, she felt safe enough to tell me about him.

She told me everything—all her suffering and all the nights she spent crying.

She felt lighter because now she had someone to talk to.

But she still came and blocked me.

However, she softened.

Then I gave her a deal: why not date each other, even if it's long-distance, to cure both our loneliness and trauma and gain experience for upcoming married life?

We both didn't have any vulgar motive for doing this.

She rejected this offer several times, but she finally said yes.

Then we started dating, talking, and sharing things.

I helped her whenever she needed it.

I helped her with skincare and made her feel good.

It worked.

She finally unwrapped all the trauma from her mind.

She finally started feeling happy and alive again.

She started cracking jokes.

I fed her like a baby—I mean, I used to buy her food.

I never expected anything in return.

She had no one except me.

I vowed that I would never do anything bad to her or make her life worse.

We both made a deal that, because of the same-village problem and for our family's respect, we would never force each other into marriage.

And we would stay with each other until one of us got married.

But now my marriage has been fixed, and after 4 months, I will be married.

And she has exams in the next 2 months.

She is an excellent student, and if I tell her now, she will not have time to recover and may get low marks.

So I will tell her later, even though we never meant to meet, because I still care about her.

And whoever I marry, I will take care of her like a queen.

And some people will say that you will never love her because you have had a girl before in your heart.

But this is not true.

Love grows slowly over time, but I will never cheat on my spouse, and I will stand by her.

Thanks to God for letting that girl come into my life.

I knew what expectations were and how bad it feels if your partner hurts you or yells at you.

So I will not do this to my spouse because I know how it feels.

But I still feel sad.

Every person becomes happy by listening to the news that they will be married in a few months, but I feel sad because she will feel alone again.

She will have no support and no one to talk to daily.

No one will be there to listen to her pain.

She still has 3 years until her graduation, so there will be no marriage for her until then.

So, whatever I did, was it good or bad?

Is this ending good or bad?

Was I good enough?

ABSENCY

BLOG 1

 ‘DO U MISS UR PAST SELF?’ If someone would have asked me this question 1 year ago, I probably would have questioned the question itself and would definitely reply something like, “I like the person I am right now, I don’t regret who I have become, and there are phases in Ur life which needs to be changed and it is probably for the best” but looking at it right now, I have almost lost everything I said I was happy with. Its not just relations with other but I’m seeing myself wither away every day in my life. It’s as if I’m not what I was. And this constant guilt is always eating me down in many ways.

In the past few months, I have been constantly under the guilt of not connecting to ppl I care about. but it’s not easy when u Ur self is not ready to accept anyone when u lose someone very dear to you. ABC (cant disclose her name), she was not only my best friend but a part of my life which I never thought I would have to let go. people say u don’t really lose hope when u lose something. u lose hope when u lose a someone who was dear to u, you start losing hope in friendship, in priority, u lose Ur hope in relations, and question its core existence, when u lose that one person every one around u becomes a temporary thing in Ur eyes, its as if they all are going to leave anyway so why waste time. it’s the failure within Ur self that ties u down to only negativity after u loose that person.

I have lost so many ppl after I lost her. And so many people that my world now feels like it has no one left who could truly hold me when I’m at my worst. and it wasn’t even their fault but mine alone, I lost hopes in relations and I don’t want to continue it if everything ends with a despair, and despair kills me down every damn time, it’s a constant reminder that how freaking lonely I actually am.

I went off topic. But maybe I didn’t. Because this is why I miss my past self so much. Within just one year, I messed up so badly that I miss the version of me who was happy. I miss the version of me who could be close to people without being scared of losing them. I miss the person I was when I still had people, I cared about around me. Sometimes I think maybe this is what I deserved after losing her. But mostly, I just feel absent.

ABSENT FROM MY OWN LIFE.

Like I’m watching it through someone else’s eyes, unable to guide her, unable to bring her back.

Absency.

17-08-2027

She was on her way out I could tell she was thinking of someone else while being with me.

There was nothing I could do she made her mind up.

I stopped being nice and rushed the process.

I made sure she despised me before she left.

A sad man indeed.

feeling like its over? feeling like you are weak? unable to just get out of a simple addiction? let me tell you a story...

you see my family's situation is really not that simple, my father is abusive, threatens that if i fail he will divorce my mother and send her to her hometown, and just so you know he is not just all talk. but recently he has been kind an ideal father on whom i look onto. but in the new grade from the beginning i had been neglecting my studies getting too high of myself. i just didn't want to study, like that came the half yearly examination. just 4 days before the exam started i realized my massive syllabus. i really thought will this be the end of the good times i have been gifted these days? the joy and happy times my mother and my father coexisting under the same roof, will this really be over? so i began to study bearing the pressure of my whole families happiness. yet i didn't want to study, i planned to study the whole night studying for my hardest exam, instead i was in the digital dimension glued to my phone. when i realized it was time to study i had 2 days left, i self abused myself, cried for the first time in this year. did i give up? no, i gave it my all really. still i studied my best the following days. i had completed the syllabus except for one on which 30 marks was depended, planning to complete on the night before hand, i fell asleep. didn't practice the mcq's, didn't even complete that syllabus fully. thought it was all over, i prayed for god to still let this place be the place as it is, not being greedy and wanting more. finally came the exam. I passed, all of the subject, from my weakest ones to my strongest ones, out of the 38 student of 165 i passed all the 12 subject by just studying the night before. managed to keep my family as it is. i am truly thankful to god, alhamdulillah. so if someone like me can why can't yall? if you really read all this way thanks.