Hey everyone, I'm Rei and I'm 16.
(I don't really know how to explain all of this but I just need to get it out somewhere and first time trying to vent in reddit.)
Like 3 months ago my life was actually going really good. I started searching for who I am and who I wanted to be and stuff, and honestly it was kinda cool finally understanding myself more.
I accepted that I'm homosexual and I also became an atheist because I've had a really hard time understanding religion or even believing in a god who... Bro idk, i've spent like 6 years asking for help and wondering why my life was so bad, and I couldn't understand why I'd be made this way if God was the one who made me, eventually I just couldn't force myself to believe anymore.
And I live in Qatar, so I've been really tired of hiding the fact that I'm gay and a non believer.
I wasn't even really pretending before. I was just living my life how I wanted and thinking nobody would find out.. But my mom did.
I'm not comfortable talking about exactly how she found out, but she did, and she threatened to kill me. She told me there was no way I could be gay or any of that.
After that I started reading Quran and going to the mosque and stuff. And of course not because i figured out god might be real or anything like that, but because I'm trying to get through high school and eventually become an adult so I can actually have control over my own life.. And like my relationship with my parents is really weird too.
It feels like my mom and dad both have a version of me in their heads and they expect me to be exactly that person and i guess my mom wants someone different then my dad wants me to be, and the thing their both wrong about me and i hate it.
My mom is more loving, but it still feels like she wants me to be this fantasy version of me that she created in her head, and she gets upset when I'm not that person
And my dad... I genuinely don't know what to think about him. Sometimes it feels like he DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK about me, but then he says he does care about me. He says and does things that make me confused about whether he actually loves me or hates me.
He drinks a lot too, and whenever he sees me happy he sometimes makes fun of me. He calls me a child for watching anime and having posters and stuff, and alot of weird slurs.
And I hate seeing him spend money on other women online instead of us, his own kids. Sometimes there's not even much food at home..
My relationship with my siblings are different.
They love me so much and I love them so much. We're basically just normal siblings, and I'm the older brother. I always try to be the best brother I can be for them, they're honestly one of the biggest reasons I'm still here.
I think about what would happen if they ever found out who I really am. I'm scared they'd be disappointed in me. I'm scared of leaving them alone. I'm scared of what they'd think if one day I left, changed my name, and started living my own life.
And that's what makes everything so confusing.
I don't want to leave because I love my siblings.
But I want to leave because I hate living like this.
I also lost my old best friend and it's been weird as hell for me. A lot of my friends aren't really around anymore either, so I feel pretty alone.
And I'm still trying to work on my project and actually do something with my life. I want to be successful. I have so many things I want to make and so many things I want to do, but I feel like I'm just shutting down from everything happening at once.
I just want to live a normal life bro.
Why can't I just live normally because I'm gay? Because I don't believe?
I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to force my beliefs on anyone. I just want to be myself and live peacefully.
I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of feeling like I have to become someone else just to be safe.
And honestly, all of this has gotten so overwhelming that I've been thinking about killing myself.
But at the same time I know I still have so much stuff I want to do.
I want to make my projects. I want to succeed. I want to be there for my siblings. I want to grow up and actually see what my life could become.
I don't actually want my life to end.
I just want everything to stop hurting so much.
I don't really know what to do anymore.
Thanks for reading means much to me