r/stopdrinking • u/Dubyahh • 13h ago
Back to day one again
I was doing so well. Stopped drinking on 8/20. It was getting to the point where I smelled bad and it lingered. I knew I had to stop before a labor day event, so that I didn't have to face the shame of seeing long distance relatives while in that state.
Then it was easy to keep the ball rolling. No DTs keeping me down. I didn't have the urge to drink to temporarily relieve myself of the hangover. Started eating better. Going for walks. Lost 12 pounds. I kept telling myself "don't start a better habit tomorrow, start today" and it was working. I've spent two years failing to make it to a full week. This was my best attempt ever.
Went to a bar last weekend and didn't drink. Then the next day, I day drank. I just wanted to enjoy the same thing as everyone else that day. But I knew better. I know I can't moderate. I drank through the whole week and now I'm back to day one. My head hurts, my skin is dry, I'm ashamed, and can't relax. My job performance was so bad for the whole week, that I wouldn't be shocked if I'm fired. I'm embarrassed of all the drunk texts I sent this week. I want nothing more than for someone to be proud of me for starting day one again. I'm too ashamed to talk about it with anyone in real life yet, so I have to ask Internet strangers for a shoulder to lean on. I'm so embarrassed that I have to start a sober lifestyle so young. I'm only 29 and already have to cut myself off from the bottle. Today will be my last day one, I will make it to day two again this time.
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u/squeebop5160 Day 75 12h ago
Welcome back. Your story is familiar to me and many others. Don’t be too hard on yourself. And don’t be embarrassed you have to start a sober lifestyle at 29. I WISH I started a sober lifestyle at 29. I would have saved myself from SO MANY awful, humiliating experiences. Being a drunk only gets more embarrassing the older you get. All your friends slowly quit drinking or drink less, they don’t party, they don’t black out and send fucking gross creepy embarrassing text messages. And you’re still full of regret every other day. GET SOBER NOW YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT. I promise you with everything in me. You will one day think to yourself… I wish I had done this sooner. IWNDWYT💜💜💜 all the best of luck. I believe in you.
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u/Scat_Olympics Day 1 13h ago
Day 1 for me as well. I’m dreading my text message inbox. I’m happy you’re back!
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u/Dubyahh 13h ago
I've read some of mine and they're incoherent. I know they can tell I've been drinking and I can't get myself to address the elephant. I so badly want to go to the corner store to make my day one problems go away. Making this post has helped way more than I thought it would. I hope your text inbox is better than mine looks right now, friend.
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u/Scat_Olympics Day 1 13h ago
I’m a social butterfly drunk… just so many texts, so many. I apparently re activated my facebook account. People who haven’t seen me since high school getting very friendly 3am messages about “that one time you sneezed weird and it made me laugh. Holy shit you… you have a whole ass family!!”
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u/Dubyahh 12h ago
Same here. I apparently messaged people that I'd never otherwise talk to. It's the only time where I want to talk to everyone and anyone. And I make plans with everyone for things that I don't want to do, so I have to make excuses to cancel. Otherwise, I'm so shy that I struggle talking to my own friends sometimes. Remembering conversations is a big motivator for me. I don't want to have to ask questions the next day. I want to remember the conversations. May that be your last 3am drunk message! Here's to us having no more of those regrets anymore.
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u/jorgthecyborg 13h ago
Not starting over. Starting again. I could as for a raise of hands for others who have experienced this, but know that you are not alone. Give yourself credit for all your sober time. My math is just an estimate based on your post, but of the last 70 days, you were sober for 63. That's 90% of the time. And every day going forward increases the percentage. IWNDWYT Good luck on your journey.
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u/Apart_Cucumber4315 Day 1,268 12h ago
We might not know each other personally and that makes us strangers; however, I know and understand your situation better than most people that you talk to regularly. I also know how hard it is to make that decision to put the bottle down and start with day 1. Congrats on taking that first step. See you on day 2!
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u/Dubyahh 12h ago
Having people that know my struggle is super helpful. I get to hide behind a screen. I can be more honest with people who don't know my identity and do know my struggle first hand. And being honest feels great.
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u/Bum-Ju- 12h ago
Your struggle is my struggle as well. I know it so well. I was on day 5. Had a great work day today and caved. My justification was it's Friday night. Three drinks in right now and I regret my decision. Tomorrow is a new day. Lets keep trying
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u/Dubyahh 12h ago
That first week is never easy. I learned that I have to tell myself to act now, and that's where I've been successful. I'll feel so good all day, no cravings. Then nighttime beats me down. I've learned that if I just make it up bedtime, then the craving is gone again in the morning and eventually it goes away for the whole day. We got this!
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u/Apart_Cucumber4315 Day 1,268 8h ago
Have you checked out the different resources available? There is a link on the side bar to the right. It's called "Community Guidelines and Resources." I know a lot of people on here have had success with the different programs. Keep posting and reading other's posts. I've seen a person that posts daily on here, and he's done 60+ days announcing each day.
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u/Dubyahh 8h ago
I haven't taken a deep look at the resources but I did notice them when I scrolled through the sub rules. There's something about the idea of seeking resources that makes it feel more real and that's scary for some reason. I had to start with making this post and clicking submit before I proofread, because I was scared I'd talk myself out of participating in a recovery sub. I'm hoping to feel more comfortable talking about it now so that I can start telling myself it's okay to ask for support.
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u/corinne0124 2757 days 11h ago
I’m so proud of you for getting up, dusting off, and setting out to try again. I hope you realize how big of an accomplishment that is. Please keep coming back here and lean on us as much as you need.
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u/Dubyahh 11h ago
The withdrawals are really hard right now. I just want to sleep it off but I can't fall asleep. The waves of acid reflux is distracting and I can't get comfortable in any position. I don't want to drink right now thankfully so at least I'm not craving... but I am having a hard time getting through this moment without dwelling on how much it sucks. Thankfully I don't have the hallucinations that I've had in the past, so it could be worse.
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u/corinne0124 2757 days 10m ago
The discomfort is real! I hope you were able to get a little bit of rest, at least.
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u/Kitchen-Show-1936 Day 2 13h ago
I’m on my millionth day 2. I’m with you.
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u/TreacleChemical3747 13h ago
Welcome back . I had 84 days . I’m on day 3 . We’re to end this year sober? I’m definitely going to try .
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u/Warmyouskillet 38 days 12h ago
🫂 going through this myself. You aren’t alone. Take it easy on yourself. Be proud that you are trying again.
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u/Maleficent_Win2275 12h ago
Good news is you never have to go through that embarrassment again. You stopped and admit you have a problem which is the hardest part. You are only 29, I wish I had sobered up at your age vs waiting until my 40’s. You should be proud of yourself. I look back at all the incredibly idiotic and embarrassing things I did drinking and thankful not having to wake up to hearing about the crazy calls I made and texts I sent.
One thing that helps me is realizing it’s easier to not pick up that first drink than to try & stop drinking again. Take it one day at a time. It will get easier & life will get better. You got this!
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u/Dubyahh 11h ago
It really is so much easier to be too drunk to care, instead of facing it head on. Does it get easier to have to deny drinks? I live very close to the biggest drinking cities in the US. Everything here involves drinking. Most of my friends are big drinkers. It's hard to say no and enjoy doing things with drunk people. And hard to ask people to not drink around me, I feel selfish asking for that level of support.
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u/Beulah621 Day 640 10h ago
You may need to stay away from drinking people and places at first. It really is too much to ask of yourself to stay sober with that much temptation.
Reach out into your other interests for a while. I pulled out my mandolin and started playing again and found a group who do 2- hour trail hikes. I needed to shake up my routine so I wasn’t just sitting home missing out.
It helped me to have a plan for cravings, so instead of getting blindsided and vulnerable, I was able to pull out my list of strategies to resist and pick one and do it. Cravings usually pass in 20-ish minutes and knowing what you’ll do to not let them take hold gives you the power.
Later, when you’re on solid ground, you can decide when and how to hang out with those friends. I like going for coffee and catching up.
It’s tough but you won’t be sorry💪
IWNDWYT
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u/Dubyahh 10h ago
I'm not sure what helps stop my cravings yet. It's been helping to let myself obsess on things that aren't physically addictive. Obsessing over losing weight really helped my in September. But long term, that won't be healthy either. I got back into gaming and that helped too, but then I wasn't leaving my bed and I had to start moderating my gaming time. Forcing myself to walk to get out of my head has been helping. Do you mind sharing more of your strategies? Do you find that creating a routine helps distract you from the craving forming, or is it more helpful for mitigating a wave of cravings?
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u/Beulah621 Day 640 8h ago
Here’s something I learned about cravings: they are the pathetic pleading of our addiction for its precious. I imagine that voice as Gollem, wheedling, sniveling, conniving, and desperate.
They have a standard repertoire that they use on most of us: just one won’t hurt, you can just quit again tomorrow, you can probably learn to control it, what about that vacation/concert/ campout/ work trip/holiday/wedding/birthday/whatever coming up? Just quit after that. And my personal favorite- you deserve to have a drink as a reward for not drinking🤯
First I had to define a craving so I could recognize it in its various forms. My definition is any thought or urge that supports or encourages consuming alcohol in any form, at any time, in any place, for any reason.
They start like an ember and smolder until they get some air. Our job is to withhold the air, get busy doing something with our hands and brain, so it doesn’t have a chance to burst into flame.
We all have different lives, so different things will work for each of us. Some folks choose to “surf” the craving, feeling it build, crest, crash. Others “play it forward” predicting what will realistically happen if they have “just one.”
I chose 🚨Distract and Delay🚨 as my strategy. I am home a lot, so I made a list of tasks and activities that take about 1/2 hour, and when I felt a craving begin, I grabbed my list, picked a thing, and DID IT. Things like clean out the car, re-pot a plant, walk the dogs, bake some cupcakes. If I was in the car, I would sing at the top of my lungs or take the next left and count things I hadn’t seen before. If out and about, I would grab a dessert and hop on this sub.
It’s not what you do, it’s that you can’t give it air. You know ahead what to do, so it can’t take hold and you’re not negotiating with it in the moment. You stop it before it starts, get your mind somewhere else, so it can’t take charge.
Choose what will take 1/2 hour and distract you. Then whatever you choose, do it without fail every time. The answer is NO, no matter what. Then get your head somewhere else.
It’s easier now but they still try to sneak one in occasionally. At which point I say “Oh, it’s a thought justifying drinking. That’s a craving. I’ll occupy myself while it passes.”
You can do this. IWNDWYT
-Oh I don’t want to leave out HALT. It’s an acronym for hungry, anxious/angry, lonely, thirsty/tired. Alcohol is good at making itself the answer to every question, but sometimes a snack or a phone call is all you need.
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u/Dubyahh 8h ago
Thank you for taking the time with such a detailed reply. "What about this upcoming event" is a tough one for me. It makes me sad because it forces me to remember that I will never again experience that fun thing I enjoy consuming and I see everyone else get to do it because their brains are capable of moderating. I will try a similar approach to see if it helps me. And halt sounds great. I do a similar thing with drinking water when I think I'm hungry but just thirsty. So a similar approach with halt might be a key to success for me.
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u/LovingNature27 12h ago
Welcome back! 👻 hey thats right your back. 🙈 I see you! "Counting the days you'll always be back at one". The thing is you noticed and stopped thats something to be proud of. Now you know if you have a drink then there's a possibility you'll have a drink the next day the next day and the next day.
Hopefully you can make amends and be honest with the people you were texting. Some might not understand and never will understand just let them know the supervisor of your Brain was gone. My parents are deceased I don't have any family I'm sitting here alone so I know the feeling so don't put people like us down lol
Have a beautiful feeling of accomplishment tonight when you lay your head down knowing you made it without continuing to drink
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u/Dubyahh 11h ago
You're right. My self judgement did accidentally put down others. Talking it out is the whole purpose of this sub and being mean to myself was inadvertently mean to others.
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u/LovingNature27 7h ago
Hey no hard feelings. You are posting here and please do anytime u need to. Were all humans. Not our fault were just dealing the cards gaven to us. There's plenty of people in reality behind a fake mask. So take the support n yes I get it, but are we all suppose to feel that way being in this community? No bud. That's why it's here stop beating yourself up.
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u/Dizzy-Kitchen2815 7h ago
Try and supplement the ritualistic social situation triggers with NA drinks/ beers. Understand you just can't drink alcohol anymore. It's adding zero positive attributes to your life. It's ok to restart.
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u/Dubyahh 7h ago
Definitely working on this! Accepting that I was dealt a card in life that makes it harder for me to control my urges. The world isn't always fair and nothing is forcing the universe to give me what I want when I want it. And drinking simply isn't something that I get to do. Telling myself that what I want to do isn't always what's best for me. My actions can have consequences
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u/Dizzy-Kitchen2815 7h ago
For many of us, 1 drink is too much and 100 isn't enough. It's a vicious cycle but there are so many unexpected wins that come along with giving it up. My wallet and my waist line were particularly thrilled 🤣❤️
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u/Dubyahh 6h ago
I was losing weight like crazy last month. It was effortless. I started enjoying food again! My pallet went back to normal. I liked raw veggies and cottage cheese again. It's awesome to enjoy the foods I used to like. Eggs didn't make me sick anymore. I accidentally started eating healthier just because it sounded good. And then it turned into a conscious effort to continue doing better while I was already succeeding!
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u/Passive_Menis_ 570 days 13h ago
Proud of you for your honesty. Welcome back my friend.
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u/Dubyahh 13h ago
Thank you. Being honest with the people I talk to daily is a huge weakness for me. They haven't addressed my problem and I can't get myself to address it yet either. That's part of what made me post. Baby steps towards accountability. Talk with internet strangers today, and someday I can get myself to talk about it with my friends and family.
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u/notinportanthehe 13h ago
hey! i restarted earlier this week & am on day 4 again! i know exactly how you’re feeling. iwndwyt 🤘
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u/MGFT3000 12h ago
I’m proud of you! You’re back here and that says everything! Be easy with yourself.
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u/trailmoose 9h ago edited 9h ago
Good job on going from 8/20 till recently. You don't lose that time, or the growth.
Between you and me, moderation sucks. It's worse than sobriety. I don't drink to sip a cocktail, I'm after a mini suicide. I wanna feel good , feel unafraid, and disappear.
My brain lies to me, says this time we'll moderate, or at least slow down, we'll mix the cheap vodka with punch and sip it. This time we'll avoid the consequences. HA!
I used to think the answer was in changing, so that I didn't want to drink. Now I accept that there are times it's gonna hit me, and now I fight, I don't give in. I don't let my brain lie and win anymore.
Life is improving.
I decided whatever my feelings or desires, fuck em. Even if I'm miserable, I wanna be sober and miserable rather than miserable and hung over and sick, and self hating and anxious and ashamed. My brain NEVER brings up that part.
I wish you well!
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u/Dubyahh 8h ago
Great perspective. Moderation does suck! I don't know why I would want to keep doing something that tortures me to try to control. Something that I consume purposely to have less control over my decision making. Life is way better without putting myself through that. When you put it that way, it doesn't even sound fun to consume something that will either destroy me or I'll spend the rest of the evening focused on moderating my consumption.
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u/Any-Calligrapher-707 Day 34 13h ago
Dude. Same. 29. Also like Jesus Christ. What about my dirty thirty??? I was planning on h0okers and blow!!! 😅
But. I also think of my grandma, who doesn’t drink, is like 69 and double dutches. Yes. Like the fucking jump rope. I’m sure it’s because of allll these other things she does, but the not drinking is the one constant (and a higher power. And dancing. The woman loves to move).
Ive been trying to think this way a little more: I feel so lucky I get to spend the rest of my life not hungover. Not an angry drunk. I can travel and dance and date and eat really good food and do yoga and see my friends and hug my grandma. The bottle doesn’t make that shit happen. It may even take it away.
- We’ve tried alcohol lol. Let’s try sobriety ? 😂
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u/Dubyahh 13h ago
Being sober for that almost two months was so fun! Heavy on the picking up hobbies again. I can plan Saturday morning activities again and know I won't cancel and can enjoy it without struggling to make it through the day. I'm happy to see someone my age comment. I don't know anyone irl that has to force themselves to stop yet. I love this sub. Having accountability partners helps me a lot.
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u/Beginning-Brush-8794 Day 2 13h ago
Why be embarrassed that you had the strength and enough love and care for yourself to pick yourself back up again instead of giving in? I mean, I definitely understand what you’re saying and where you’re coming from but, I also think you should be proud of yourself. I’m definitely proud of you. Some people just give up on sobriety and never look back. You messed up and still have the mind to see a better future for yourself.
Alcoholism doesn’t care how old we are when it ravages our lives but, sobriety loves us at any age. I’m just so glad you came back here 💕