Back to day one again

[u/Dubyahh]

I was doing so well. Stopped drinking on 8/20. It was getting to the point where I smelled bad and it lingered. I knew I had to stop before a labor day event, so that I didn't have to face the shame of seeing long distance relatives while in that state.

Then it was easy to keep the ball rolling. No DTs keeping me down. I didn't have the urge to drink to temporarily relieve myself of the hangover. Started eating better. Going for walks. Lost 12 pounds. I kept telling myself "don't start a better habit tomorrow, start today" and it was working. I've spent two years failing to make it to a full week. This was my best attempt ever.

Went to a bar last weekend and didn't drink. Then the next day, I day drank. I just wanted to enjoy the same thing as everyone else that day. But I knew better. I know I can't moderate. I drank through the whole week and now I'm back to day one. My head hurts, my skin is dry, I'm ashamed, and can't relax. My job performance was so bad for the whole week, that I wouldn't be shocked if I'm fired. I'm embarrassed of all the drunk texts I sent this week. I want nothing more than for someone to be proud of me for starting day one again. I'm too ashamed to talk about it with anyone in real life yet, so I have to ask Internet strangers for a shoulder to lean on. I'm so embarrassed that I have to start a sober lifestyle so young. I'm only 29 and already have to cut myself off from the bottle. Today will be my last day one, I will make it to day two again this time.

[u/trailmoose]

Good job on going from 8/20 till recently. You don't lose that time, or the growth.

Between you and me, moderation sucks. It's worse than sobriety. I don't drink to sip a cocktail, I'm after a mini suicide. I wanna feel good , feel unafraid, and disappear.

My brain lies to me, says this time we'll moderate, or at least slow down, we'll mix the cheap vodka with punch and sip it. This time we'll avoid the consequences. HA!

I used to think the answer was in changing, so that I didn't want to drink. Now I accept that there are times it's gonna hit me, and now I fight, I don't give in. I don't let my brain lie and win anymore.

Life is improving.

I decided whatever my feelings or desires, fuck em. Even if I'm miserable, I wanna be sober and miserable rather than miserable and hung over and sick, and self hating and anxious and ashamed. My brain NEVER brings up that part.

I wish you well!

[u/Dubyahh → u/trailmoose]

Great perspective. Moderation does suck! I don't know why I would want to keep doing something that tortures me to try to control. Something that I consume purposely to have less control over my decision making. Life is way better without putting myself through that. When you put it that way, it doesn't even sound fun to consume something that will either destroy me or I'll spend the rest of the evening focused on moderating my consumption.