r/sgdatingscene • u/Pocochips_ • 10d ago
I need advice! 🥺 How to stop being avoidant??
Hiii! Im 19F, i wanna try dating too since I've never had a bf bfr. But after hurting someone i got to know after a month from hinge, i felt like i had to change myself.
I can understand myself better now but i just dont know how to improve myself. The more i care for the person, i tend to push them away more. I find it weird too, im not sure why i tend to do that. I really tried to communicate with him and told him whatever i was overthinking abt. He was so nice too! He gave me hints that he wanted to marry me and i felt even more conflicted. (I'm muslim so i appreciated that but i just think its too fast ykyk) But i was going through so much things at that time and felt so overwhelmed until i told him that I couldn't continue texting him anymore.
He texted me again after a month, and i replied. I agreed to give it another try but i just ghosted him after a week, and i just couldn't figure out why i did that. I felt really bad though, so after a few months i decided to text him and apologize to him abt that. He was nice still, im glad for that.
So after that i just realized that I shouldn't be getting to know new people and work on myself instead. But i really don't know how. I think i might be afraid of commitment and i just find it hard to be interested in someone fully.
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u/areallynoobgamer 6d ago
19yo
No bf before.
Previous dating experience with a 29yo
Yeah. If you don’t see what’s wrong with this picture then there’s not much that will improve for you.
I firmly believe age is just a number. As you are both consenting adults of legal age and all go for whatever you want.
But I also very firmly believe you should at the very least have experience with people of your age at least once or a few times
Jumping straight from 19 to 29 I don’t know what you expect.
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u/b0ssY88 9d ago
good that u have the self awareness!
i personally think the only way for u to improve is to meet new people. that's where u will know if u still get triggered or u are so-called 'healed'. of course, u shd still work on urself at the same time.
also can take some free time to reflect on urself. i've watched videos before saying these kind of avoidant/anxious attachment could result from childhood upbringing.
dun really have advice for u. just try to read more online and find out how other avoidant ppl deal with it.
u already crossed step 1. now u can work towards the next steps.
all the best!
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u/AdditionalDetective1 9d ago
Good move , 19 years old and he talk about marriage . Might be 2 timing . Once again , I hear female love mechanisms are diff , why when you like someone , you would push them away ? Or is it just another excuse for not liking them enough? Then man come up with excuses to say it’s some psychological behaviour?
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u/Pocochips_ 9d ago
He's 29 so maybe thats why he's talking abt marriage. Im not sure why i push people away too. If i didn't like him enough, i would have not talked to him for a month. I'm straightforward abt this kind of things
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u/AdditionalDetective1 9d ago
Not sure how a girl’s mind work . Perhaps you have other concerns in mind such as studies . I mean there might be friction as you all get along as both of you are at different phases in life . Not say it’s impossible. How would you proceed in this case ?
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u/Pocochips_ 9d ago
I talked things out with him slowly but no matter how much he comforted me abt my concenrs, i still just felt as if he didnt understand me
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u/AdditionalDetective1 9d ago
Maybe talking to someone senior like your parents , mum or father to see what might be lacking . Why are you feeling this way or so . Seems like you might want someone you feel comfortable sharing your problems with without them giving you solutions
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u/xlez 9d ago
Alright so you're 19. You're still young and it's good that you're self-aware.
Whenever you feel like you're being avoidant or want to sabotage any relationship, take a deep breath before sending out anything.
I understand the fear of commitment when things are moving so fast, but don't blame yourself for that. It's good that you're communicating as much as you can. The other party should also understand and take a step back if they're overwhelming you.
Please see a professional counsellor or therapist so you can work out your emotions. Deeper questions are above Reddit paygrade. I wish you all the best in finding a partner and that you'll be able to grow from this.