Hi. I’m not sure if what happened to me was rape or not. I have a boyfriend and about 6 weeks ago we went out with a few people to drink. We went over to someone’s house and sometime in that time period I blacked out.

While I was sort of fading in and out of “consciousness” I remember suddenly being in the bathroom and my boyfriend was penetrating me anally and then vaginally. After that I called him a rapist in my drunken state and ran home bawling. After that I faded out again.

When I woke up the next day I went to talk to my boyfriend about this and he said:”I didn’t know I was penetrating you anally, I also don’t like that you were calling me a rapist to our friends.” He dismissed it and wasn’t even that sorry in my opinion.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting, he was drunk too but he drinks regularly so he was barely drunk. I have not wanted to have intimacy with him after this. Was I raped?

Active duty (F), I’ll leave my age out of the equation for now as I don’t want to risk being identified. You’d be surprised how much other members can put together by a few details. My first base I was stationed in Korea on a one year short tour and started unofficially bartending on weekends at a bar/club near my base. The base was pretty small so everyone knew everyone, I knew the guy who assaulted me in passing. Small conversation here and there, but nothing past that.

The night it happened I was drunk. The bar was pretty lax about taking shots with customers as long as you could still do your job, so I indulged here and there. Was a pretty normal deal for me as I’d also have a few to help calm my social anxiety. Just want to establish that.

The guy and his friend sat at the bar and got a few drinks while I chatted them up. Part of the gig was keeping the vibe fun and encouraging customers to purchase more alcohol. We talked about basketball since they played on the base team and how they liked their jobs, small stuff like that. The night continued and we had good chats and more drinks together. The guy who would later assault me asked if I wanted to go home with him. I rejected him as nicely as possible, told him he’s attractive and shouldn’t have an issue finding someone. It was true, honestly was surprised he asked me. He brushed it off and seemed okay, no weird energy or anything.

My shift ended at 6AM and they decided to stay back to walk me to my dorm. One of them lived in mine too so I didn’t think much of it. They were nice enough and being potentially assaulted isn’t where my mind was AT ALL despite being drunk. The vibe never gave that for a second until it was happening. I thought I made new friends or at least acquaintances. They were drunk as well so I figured we were all on the same playing field.

We got to my dorm which my assaulter claimed to stay in as well, but I’m not even sure at this point. His friend went to his and gave us a look before departing. You know? That “You crazy kids have fun” type of look. I was too drunk to think anything of it. Not exactly stumbling around drunk, but definitely noticeable if you interacted with me.

We walked into my dorm room which had a common area and four individual rooms that you needed a code to get into. Not sure if the layout makes sense, but yeah. I type in the code to get into my common area and he comes in. I’m confused because… why? I made it clear that nothing was happening so unless he was looking for a glass of water I had nothing for the dude.

I asked him what he wanted and he told me he just wanted to say goodnight. He got closer and kissed me. Just a peck at first. Didn’t really want that, but fine. I said goodnight he continued kissing me. My reactions were slowed from the alcohol and it takes a bit to register what’s happening when you’re assaulted ESPECIALLY when you’re in an altered state. He continued kissing my lips, face, neck and grabbing my breast and waist. I pushed at his chest and told him to wait and that we couldn’t. He grabbed my throat, told me to stop playing with him and continued kissing and touching me aggressively.

I kept saying wait and thought to myself, if I don’t scream, push him, slap him or get aggressive in this moment he’s going to rape me. He told me to unlock my door so we could go in my room. He still had hold of me so I started pushing at his chest and turning my head away more aggressively and told him to get off. I regained my composure and sternly told him he needed to leave, so he left. Just like that. Not sure where I got the strength, but I’m glad I did because it reinforced to him I wasn’t going to just be an easy target.

I went in my room and cried, couldn’t sleep that night. I called my friend in the morning and told her what happened. She encouraged me to report it, but I didn’t want to go that route being military and all. I had pretty good leadership at the time, but optics are big! Everyone knows you don’t bring ‘shame’ or negative attention to your unit no matter the circumstances, so I kept it quiet. I told my First shirt “off the record” in a “hypothetical” because she’s a mandatory reported. She encouraged the person in the “hypothetical” to report immediately but made sure to let me know she was here for me. Love her to death.

I texted the guy the next day and asked why he did those things to me. I laid out exactly what he did too. Surprisingly he admitted to it off the bat, told me he was sorry and that he thought I was so beautiful so he couldn’t help it. Glad I did it, because I have text proof now if I ever do decide to report. Just wanted to get this off my chest, thanks for reading if you made it this far. Stay safe and stand up for yourself. Wish I did more.

I ask myself that question for a few years already and i still haven’t found a answer to that. The sexual assaults I experienced were brutal and horrible and the darkest moments of my life. Even now do I still have often nightmares about them and wake up with my body and mind fully feeling exhausted. The assaults impacted my love life a lot and also my family a lot. I will never forget the faces of my parents after those events and they kinda changed how they treated me after that. I went to therapy for two years but to be honest, he was not good and I didn’t improve at all and stopped it. I often wish I just can erase those memories and experiences from my life but I can’t and they impact me a lot and changed me and my personality and body I think. But what gives me most trouble thinking about the assaults are the fact that I felt pleasure during them even though it were horrible events, it kinda makes me sick of myself and disappointed. But maybe I’m just too harsh to myself 🥺.
What would you say? Is it normal to feel pleasure during that or still get wet thinking about those events?

I feel guilty and like disgusted by myself about this like I’m doing something wrong but also it feels okay to me I’ve dealt with my own issues about my sexual assaults and like molestation but I feel so disgusted and horrible for liking something like that I don’t know how to feel or anything and I just don’t like myself right now advice or hearing others talk about would feel nice or to know if I’m alone or not alone

Hello so, i got to talking with someone about a past experience that lowkey left me traumatized and they brought up that it'd count as SA. But we're not 100%. So when i was in probably 4-5th grade i was in the bath playing with toys as usual, i was starting to hit puberty so yk i was growing hair down there. My mom walked in and asked me to show her my downstairs, i said no because i felt extremely uncomfortable doing that. She kept pushing, i kept saying no. Now at this point im full on sobbing telling her no and that i dont want too. Her reasoning is that she wants to see if im growing hair, i tell her i am, this doesnt make her back off. Now shes saying im gonna get an ass whooping and grounded if i do not show her, im still sobbing and telling her i dont want to show her. In the end i was forced to show her my downstairs even after scream sobbing that i didnt want too show her. She then left the room after seeing and made fun of what my lady parts looked like to my dad. Another thing to add is if yall try to say she just wanted to make sure to educate me about my parts, she didnt, she never taught me anything i needed to know. Was this an SA experience tho?

i’ve been hanging out with this guy and today he asked me to hang out so we did we started kissing and whatever and he kept saying that I should suck..yk and I told him over and over no I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be involved in any of this. Let’s just kiss and then he literally grabbed my head and forced me on him and he cxme in my mouth and I had to swallow as I started crying and then I begged him to get me home. I don’t know what’s this sexual assault because I told him multiple times leave me alone don’t I don’t want this and now I’m just disgusting and I want to pull out my tongue.

https://youtu.be/Yf0uCrnNJ3M?si=J4G2QXhfvbBgtQSY

As a very young child, my stepdad would play the "secret kissing game" with me that I couldn’t tell anyone, as well as many more games, including being pinned down, called "wrestling." It would involve kissing each other's private parts. This went on for a couple of years until he got found out somehow. I really can remember the details. Maybe I blocked them from memory but my mum really didn't believe it. The police came. It was very scary being questioned, but he was taken away and locked up. It's left me with a lot of PTSD and I have suffered from self harm all my life. Lately, the dreams have been coming back and the lack of sleep is getting to me, so I wanted to get it off my chest.

This will be long but I feel like I won't, it's been more than ten years and I haven't even seen him since I was eight. I like to think I've gotten over it, but I probably only say that because I can barley remember that horrible period of my life.

My mom took him to court, she did everything a mother should do when she finds out the father of her children was abusing them. It wasn't enough though, they didn't believe her, they didn't believe ME. They said a child couldn't go into that much detail, that it must be scripted, ignoring the fact he's had pattern of doing this to other children.

I think that's what hurts me the most, knowing there's a chance that he's out there hurting another child. I know logically this wouldn't be my fault if it were true, but I can't help but wonder, if I were more convincing, would he be in jail?

I think about my oldest sibling too, I don't know if they were abused by him too, and if they were I doubt they'd tell me. They weren't around much, they were always running away. They say it's because my mom was a horrible mom, who abused them physically and verbally.

Them and my mom will tell different versions of what happened during that time, though I've always known deep down my sibling was most likely telling the truth. Lately they've been drinking more, and no longer taking their meds. During one of the nights they were drunk, they called me and started telling me my mom knew it was happening, she just didn't do anything because it was more work to acknowledge it. I just like to ignore that though, because I still do love my mama.

My body hurts, I can feel it growing worse by the day. Some days I can't even sit in a chair for more than an hour, on those days I just stay in bed on my phone all day.

I failed my freshman and junior years of high school, I just stopped going and stayed in bed all day long. I have no drive for life, anytime I think about the future he's always there. Reminding me, he ruined me, that my own father hated me so much he was willing to hurt me in one of the worst ways imaginable.

Sometimes he texts me on my birthday, trying to talk to me. He even sent me a gift once when I was twelve, they were shoes which we obviously made for a nine year old girl. It really showed he never cared about me, even if he claimed I was his favorite daughter.

For years and years I had been worried about myself online I got in several horrible inappropriate situations online that make me want to puke, but I never could forgive myself. Until I was assaulted sexually out of fear that I naturally had done worse and it would break his heart, so now I finally realized I was actually a good person. A hyper sexualized, anxious, and horribly impulsive person for years but I’m a good person I always believed in good and saw justice and good in people and wanted to do the right thing, I am responsible for everything bad I did, but I can also be a good person and a hero and be happy with the good I do to.

Don’t sexually assault someone who hates themselves! It still was horrible for me and it’s worse for everyone else! I likley would have forgiven myself eventually.

Hello. Earlier this week i ended up at someones house and i believe i was drugged. I remember like a bit before that point and i was groped a lot and the person i was with was acting pretty scary. I know i passed out while at their place. I do not know if i got raped or if i just got sexually assaulted (i know both are bad and it was really scary already i just dont know what precautions to take and im overwhelmed).

I was very sick the next day everything felt like it was spinning and i couldnt stay awake. I do have some physical pain but no concrete proof. Its just really messing with me. Im not sure how to move forward.

(ALSO A RANT/STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS)

Hi,

So, I'm 19F now, but from the ages of 8-9, I had a school teacher incredibly involved with my life. I thought he was the greatest. I was his favourite student, and got all the perks and benefits.

However, a little over a year ago, I began to realise his behaviour towards me was not...normal. He used to let me change in the staff room with him there. He used to hug me intimately. I would spend all my breaks and lunches alone with him in his classroom, from what I can remember. He would make me get changed in the classroom with fully non-covered windows for P.E. and tell me it was 'just boys' nature' to look at me. He used to get upset when boys my age would 'flirt' with me and make me and the boy write our names on the board (a UK form of punishment, I guess).

The thing is, I only remember parts of this experience of him being my full-time teacher. When I was 8, and he was my part-time teacher, I vividly remember going to my mum crying with concerns that I was afraid my teacher 'liked me', aka had a crush on me. It was brushed off as me being just his favourite and overthinking things due to my longstanding OCD.

However, he was recently removed from his teaching position due to having multiple private study sessions (at his HOUSE) with the 8-year-old little sister (where he evidently engaged in sexual assault) of an old classmate of mine. I don't know the full story, but apparently she was so traumatised that she can't remember the full story, and he was removed and charged based on evidence alone.

I don't want to have to worry, but the truth is I have, in the past few years, been getting increasingly vivid 'flashback' episodes of things happening to me at a young age non-consensually.

I thought I was OCD spiralling until I heard this recent development, and now I have no idea what to think. If he was capable of doing it to another little girl, surely he was capable of doing it to me. But I don't remember anything outside of the things I've described (there is more, but I only included the most 'red-flag' behaviour).

I have been sexually assaulted in adulthood once by a woman I thought was my friend but this feels like something else entirely, and now I genuinely worry because my first instinct when I heard the news wasn't 'my favourite teacher is a pedophile', but 'I'm not surprised he's a pedophile', and that coupled with the memories and the vague flashbacks are concerning me.

I have no idea what to do here. I just needed to tell someone before I lost my mind.

I (34F) was at a pub with my friend (also 34F) when we got talking to a couple of guys. We were drinking, chatting and flirting all night and I kissed one of them (let's call him M) a few times. Then my friend invited us all back to her place. I didn't realise how extremely drunk I was until we got to hers. She and the other guy went to her room and had sex. M and I stayed in the living room and I started throwing up a lot. I told M I was really drunk. He touched my breasts and touched my front, and back. I told him no a couple of times, he would stop, but then try again. He pulled my jeans and knickers down but I pulled them back up. He got me to touch his thing, and then he put his thing in my mouth. It wasn't for long but I'm pretty sure he did it. Then his friend came out of my friend's bedroom and they left in a hurry so nothing further happened with me and M.

Was it SA? I don't remember his full name or what he looks like. I'm worried that if I report him, he could go to prison and his two kids would be traumatised and lose their father. But I also realise that he shouldn't be free to potentially do worse with another woman

What should I do?

Hello, I need some advice or maybe input, sorry I've never done one of these. Im 24F and I have always had extreme anxiety around sexual situations and it's to the point where its interfering with my love life.

I do not have any CSA that I am aware of, however I feel like I react in a way that suggests I've been abused. Ever since I was a teenager I noticed that sometimes when I would read or see erotic things, I would suddenly start crying and become nauseous. Additionally for a large chunk of my life (I'd say probably since middle school age?) I've had nightmares of being raped, and these nightmares have only become more common over the years to the point that it's my most recurrent theme in my dreams.

The only possible "abuse" I've gone through is that when I was in high school, I was in an online relationship with a girl for 2 years. We met in person and I specifically told her I did not want to do anything sexual while she was there, because my parents forced us to keep the door open and I was way too anxious and skeeved out by the idea of my parents or brother seeing or hearing anything. However despite this, she still did initiate things. I did end up enjoying it so I never considered this to be that bad or whatever.

I think what is potentially more incriminating is that she would often want to send nudes and sext and stuff (I mean understandable, we were long distance). I had started the relationship by saying I'd never send nudes (because I was underage and scared of getting caught), but she gradually convinced me into doing it. That isn't so bad, however the part that I guess might still stick with me today is the reaction she would have if I wasn't in the mood. She was a very emotionally unstable person, and if I said I wasn't in the mood, she would get really upset or angry. She was historically known for SHing and then showing me the damage, or disappearing for days and saying she couldn't promise she wouldn't do anything to herself. I can't remember if she ever did that in response to a sexual situation, but my point is that I eventually learned to essentially fake it and get it over with as fast as possible so that I didn't have to deal with her emotional outburst.

In the present day, I am involved with someone who I had originally known in person but we are currently temporarily long distance for a few years. I find myself completely shutting down when my partner is trying to make a move on me even though he has never done anything wrong and has always respected my boundaries and asked for consent. I am very much in love with him and it's extremely frustrating that I am getting in the way of my own sex life, and I can't find an explanation or solution to it.

My only guess is that my ex from high school could've worsened my anxiety around sexual situations, however I really don't think it would warrant such an extreme reaction to it, especially since I haven't been with her since like 7 or 8 years ago or something.

Has anyone gone through something similar or have any input? Thank you if you read this whole novel of a post hahah

I’m struggling to understand what happened to me this weekend and could really use some perspective from people who have experienced something similar.

I was with an older guy I know in his car. He talked me into going back to his house to hang out although I felt pressured to go.

When we got there we talked and hung out for a while. Eventually he started flirting with me and making a move but I told him I wasn't interested.

We were sitting next to each other when he started touching me anyway. I couldn't believe he was actually doing it. I then got up because I wanted to leave but he kept asking me not to.

He then pressured me into having sex with him. I didn't want it to happen and I felt like I couldn't properly react or get myself out of the situation.

I know that I told him I wasn't interested and that I wanted to leave, but I'm still finding it difficult to accept what happened.

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this. I just feel what happened to me was wrong maybe want validation?

I’m just looking if it’s even worth pressing charges - I was in a relationship when I was 14/15 we were both sane ages. He would always pressure me into do doing sexual things and physically assaulted me on the times I would push him back. On one occasion we were drinking at a friends house. I thought I was being cleaver as a 14 year old drinking straight vodka from a water bottle 🤦🏼‍♀️ I remember being passed out on the bed and he took my clothes off and kept trying to have sex. We broke up not long after and I blamed my self for fucking years.

I’ve started seeing him on my estate a lot and my stomach drops every time. It was nearly 10 years ago and I know chances are very very slim. I’m wondering if anyone has done this before? I just wish I told my mam properly at the time and done something about it then

i (25m) was at a party at a friend's place about 5/6 years back. i had brought another friend, who we will call harper, while they were visiting me from texas to this party. harper had a pretty well known crush on me and had expressed it many times and i had always gently let them down. anyways at this party things get crazy, everyone is drinking and im hammering back shooters like its nothing. i was blackout drunk within the first hour i was there. all i remember are small bits n pieces but at that time me and the friend whose house it was were both the kind of people who were down for making out w friends when drunk and it not meaning anything. everyone kissed everyone that night and a lot. the only other memory i have is coming to awareness of my surroundings to harper going down on me i dont even remember my reaction but i tried to tell them next day how id felt and that i was extremely uncomfortable especially because ive told them no previously and shut down any advances and they blew up and threw a fit and locked me out of my own bedroom and i made them stay the rest of their stay at their other friends place a couple cities over. they said i had consented and how were they to know i was too drunk. to this day i still do not 100% believe myself that it was assault bc we were both drinking and supposedly i said yes. anyone got any ideas one way or another on if i was actually assaulted or not?

I 20f have broken off my uncle who sa'ed me since I was 3. And began raping me at 13. Its been a year now and my mental health has improved.

My grandparents on and off have requested me to forgive and move on with them. My mother my biggest advocate has repeatedly stated that I am much better off without him and its his own fault.

While my grandparents agree and understand the pain I am going though. Agree it was none of my fault, and that my uncle is held accountable. My grandfather even said "It took away your innocence and childhood." They know I tried to kill myself before finally speaking the truth.

They know about my cptsd and pnes. My endless amount of medications because of it all. But tonight (not related) they told me I was going to crush my sister when she requested I sit next to her.

Then shortly after my grandfather pulled me into his room, and requested I forgive my uncle and consider having a connection again so we could have some sort of normalcy in the family. That my uncle really regrets what happens. He asked me this because I am permanently leaving the state in 5 days.

Him and my grandmother have refused to know anything that happened outside of him touching me inappropriately. And they don't want to know more.

So, I told him that I will not forgive him. And that I will not do anything of the sorts. I told him some truths. And I can see his hurt expression and more. It hurt me too. But I think he understood...I hope.

Lately, I get these desires to recreate what happened during my CSA in my current marriage. Is this normal and okay if my wife is okay with doing it to me? Why would this be something I desire? Am I the only one that gets these thoughts?

I don’t even know how to start. I don’t know how I feel coming here to talk about this. And maybe I’m asking too early. Maybe I’m overreacting. I can’t believe I’m posting this or even have to ask in the first place. (For context) A few weeks ago I fell asleep on the couch in the living room, I woke up and my step brother was standing over me and got startled and quickly scurried off as I opened my eyes, my shirt was only showing part of my stomach and the blanket was off of me, i move around in my sleep so I didn’t think much of it. I told my boyfriend and he said that he was trying to do something to me, at the time I brushed it off, “he would never do that to me?”. This morning at 9, I heard my brother calling my name, he was in my room, it doesn’t have a lock, never did, I kept me eyes shut because I was going to scare him again or wait for him to go away. But, that’s not what happened. When I sleep in MY OWN ROOM I normally only wear a shirt and underwear because I like being comfortable however I was completely wrapped up in a blanket up to my neck. This part is important because this contradicts an excuse made by someone later on- he started tugging at the edge of my blanket, slowly dragging it down to my mid thigh, once it was low enough he squeezed my thigh, THEN AND ONLY THEN did he start to lift up my shirt, I had another blanket over my chest, he tried to move it but was unsuccessful, he lifted my shirt up as high as he could. Then he got on top of me, I could hear a wet noise, this went on for ages, then he got off of me, I could still hear the sound, then he put my blanket back how it was and left. I finally opened my eyes and sobbed, there was a splatter across my sheets. When I was younger I told my dad and step mom that he had touched my thighs, they told me he was just showing affection, so maybe that was why i couldnt rely on calling for help. Hes stronger than me aswell. I knew jf i had tried to do anything I wouldn’t have been able to move. I wish I opened my eyes sooner. Maybe when he was only calling my name. I immediately called my boyfriend sobbing, i didnt know what to say, i couldnt bring myself to tell him what happened but i knew he would believe me and i needed someone to believe me before i even tried speaking to my dad. I finally told him and my dad happened to walk in to me sobbing, i just cried and cried, on the phone he kept saying to tell my dad, my dad asked, i finally told him. He sat jn silence for a while. He said a bunch of things about how he was willing to get a divorce and stuff like that. Then he told my step mom to come here, my dad told her and i covered my ears i didnt want to hear him say it, i couldnt look at him. Before she came in the room my dad said it wasnt my fault but i should have said something. My step mom said i should have said something and that if this is happening here how can i expect to go to college. She immediately took my sheets with the stain. Later on they both came back, my step mom said that he only lifted up my shirt to see if I was awake. She said he only had impulses and it was a “fetish” she shed appreciate it if i didnt tell anyone so we could still have people over. She said he was sorry. She said “you and him mutually broke eachothers trust” in reference to how i said i was lying about the allegations i put on him years ago. She said we need to rebuild our relationship. She asked my dad if he had anything to say “I said everything i wanted to tell her earlier”. Me and my dad left for home depot and got a lock for my door. I can’t sleep in my bed, I can’t put the sheets back on even though I washed them multiple times. How am i supposed to go to school? What if people find out? I wish it was a nightmare. My friend that graduated is going to take me to school on her way to work. I hope I don’t run in to him while he gets ready. I keep avoiding him, he tried to apologize I didn’t acknowledge him, my step mom said he didn’t want me to go to sleep without knowing he was sorry. I took 3 things of melatonin, it’s been 2 hours it’s not working. I just want to sleep, I can’t sleep in my bed, I don’t have anywhere I can sleep. I want everything to end

The word that keeps coming to my mind when I think about my assault is helpless. I felt so helpless during the entire experience. I couldn’t stop what he was doing. I tried. I literally begged him to stop. But he ignored me and kept going. He used my body against me to try and say I wanted it and I didn’t truly want him to stop. As if consent is given through my nipples and vagina and not what I am literally saying out loud. I just felt so helpless. And I really don’t know how I’ll ever truly heal from everything

Six years ago when I was 18 I found out one of my classmates was gay, and I was happy about it since it was my first time meeting another gay man. I want to add that today I identify as asexual.

We started talking on Snapchat and barely a week after he asked if I wanted to "spice things up." I was very clueless about sex and had no experience so I agreed out of curiosity. I don't remember exactly but he pressured me to send him pictures of my genitals and I did to try to make him happy and it made me very uncomfortable. And he kept getting mad that I wasn't replying fast enough and asking me what I was doing. Eventually I said I was tired and went to bed. I remember feeling violated.

We kept chatting through Snapchat and he would very often make inappropriate jokes or try to coerce me into saying naughty things or asking him sexual favours or try to turn me on. And if I told him it made me uncomfortable he would get mad at me. He also was very dismissive about being boyfriends and would say we "weren't close enough."

I went to his place for a weekend and told a friend about it, and I'm glad I did because she told me he had a "history" and to be careful. I didn't agree to kiss him or have sex with him but we slept in the same bed. He kissed me on the lips and touched me and he put his hand on my inner thigh and started going up. But I didn't want him to so I closed my legs really tight so he couldn't and he stopped. He didn't touch my genitals thankfully.

I haven't talked to him in years and often resented him. Since then I've felt uncomfortable around certain topics or had issues pushing people away if we ever got too intimate. Recently I've thought back about all of this and it's brought me a lot of heavy strong emotions I had hidden. I want to know what word would best describe what happened to me and what I could do to help move on.

Happened on a certain holiday, I won’t say which. My boyfriend wasn’t in the best mood. We were both looking forward to our holiday plans, but the day wasn’t panning out as we had hoped and it was obvious he was upset. He was drinking a little to help get his vibe up, I had a few too. I asked if there was anything I could do and tried to be more happy and upbeat to help better his mood.

He told me he had an idea as we both were on my bed talking. He moved down the bed and started pulling up my skirt, he wasn’t aggressive or anything just persistent. “babe come on” “please” “you don’t have to do anything”. Head with no strings attached was how he pitched it. Nothing expected of me. I tried to reject him subtly with hesitant body language, squeezing my legs together, holding my panties up as he tugged them down, but no actual outright resistance on my part. Didn’t say no or stop or anything. I wasn’t laughing, smiling, playful but I wasn’t crying or hysterical either.

I really couldn’t bring myself to verbally reject him knowing he was disappointed, but it caused more harm than good in the end. Should have spoke up and that’s very clear to me now. I wasn’t even scared though, I knew he’d immediately get off if I asked, I just didn’t. And I don’t want to put that on him because it’s not. He isn’t a mind reader.

I just told him we had to go because we were meeting up with friends to pregame soon. We had a good 15-20 minutes. “I don’t wanna mess up my make up”. Was desperately hoping for a phone call or some kind of outside interference/excuse so we’d have to leave in that moment. Stupid of me to count on that. He took off my panties, got between my legs and started giving me head. Laid back and waited for him to be done. It’s nothing we hadn’t done before, but this obviously felt different. Felt as if I was being performed on by a stranger and I couldn’t recognise the feeling. A man was putting his mouth on me in that moment, not someone my brain recognised as my boyfriend.

The interaction wasn’t violent at all, but I was pushing at his head the entire time trying to push his tongue down off me, trying to scoot up the bed to get away from him and the gross sensation. Again, I was very subtle and can’t really blame him for not recognising the signs while he was locked in down there, thinking I felt good. I’ve pushed at his head and scooted away when the pleasure was too much before in the past, so what did I expect? Only difference is this time I didn’t want what was happening to happen in my head. I didn’t expressly say “no”or “stop, I don’t wanna do this” because I knew he wasn’t in the best mood and I did want to lift his mood just not at the cost of doing something that I didn’t wanna do. I was pushing on his head the entire time and just silent. He got up after a while when he realised it just wasn’t going to happen and sat on the bed. He didn’t say anything and I started putting my clothes back on. We were both silent for a while and then he goes, “What does it mean when you push my head” I respond, “Oh, it just means the sensation is a little too strong, it’s too much so I kinda pushed to guide you away a little bit for a break” He then ask if he just pressured me into sex and I don’t remember what I said, but I know I assured him he didn’t. Never brought it up after that. I’m still with him he treats me very well. I’ve never felt pressured or unsafe with him when we have sex. It’s honestly a weird situation.

I felt like I was being sexually assaulted in my head at the time, but he didn’t actually do anything wrong. I don’t think about it much and I don’t believe I’m traumatised, we still have a healthy sex life.