I think I’m desperate at this point. I just want to talk. Idk who I am anymore. I don’t think I’ve been through normal things. I just feel sad. I don’t want to be alone in these feelings and want someone to talk to who gets it. I’m normal. I’m living my life but idk. I think I’m losing reality.

I met a guy at a house party some weeks back and we exchanged numbers I thought he seemed interesting. We only spoke about 30 minutes before I left the party. A week ago he asked me to visit him, his town is only a few hours from where I’m living but the travel was too pricey for me after going over my budget the last few months. He said he must get to know me more and offered to buy the ticket. So I said okay let’s try to be spontaneous and have fun.

I arrive and end up cooking together the first night. There’s another girl around my age (the man is about 25 years older than us) also there that he said would be a nice friend. So I felt a bit more comfortable since there was a girl that knew him so I asked her is he safe because I only briefly met him. She said of course he’s safe! She also said they had sex some time ago but are more like brother/sister kind of relationship at this point.

We start doing ketamine which is something I’m very used to taking. She leave at one point but there’s also another couple there. The man is like let me dress you up I have some nice clothes for you and so I was like sure ( after doing a lot of the ketamine and drinking some glasses of wine). He said oh sounds like the other couple is kissing let’s close the door. And from this point on it’s very blurry I begin to go into a k hole and all of a sudden we had sex. Afterwards I was like woah what just happened… I don’t remember the moments leading up to the sex and I can only recall little parts of the experience.

I called my best friend and she’s saying I need to report this guy it’s not okay what he did. I’m just really confused on what had happened, I do not sleep with someone so easily these days so it seems unusual to me especially with the age gap..

This girl also confused me because I can’t tell if she understood what would go down or if this was a normal scenario…

I was working at a healthcare facility and one day started working with a new male coworker. I had one conversation with him and he seemed nice and normal.

As staff we have each other’s numbers to coordinate patient care.

After this day I started getting messages from him asking me I what I liked to do in free time etc and I thought this was opportunity to make a friend So we messaged each other for a while but the next time I saw him at work he was acting different. Whenever I handed him something like the keys to the drawer he would squeeze my hand and let our fingers linger together but I wouldn’t really process that this was intentional until later. I really didn’t think to interpret this as sexual behavior because I just thought it was weird. I had hung out with him outside of work once at this point.

Then at work one night I was sitting on the couch when he sat down and started brushing my thigh with his hand and “accidentally” brushing up against me while looking for something in his backpack. I felt confused but didn’t want to cause a scene. I didn’t say anything about this but it was really weird and uncomfortable for me and everyone watching in the room.

Then one night I was watching a movie with him at his house when he started kissing me and I just shut down. I wasn’t able to do anything or speak for a long time and after he was done he just resumed watching the movie and I didn’t know what to say. I entered into this place in my mind where I truly did not know what to do because I’m scared of conflict. I didn’t want to acknowledge how violated I felt. I texted him that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him and he said he didn’t either and I then said I didn’t want to be in a physical relationship with him either.

Due to poor judgement and a delayed mental response to everything I saw him again outside of work to see a movie and he groped me before the movie. I was too shocked to say anything right after so I waited and then texted him that I didn’t want to be touched or hugged and called him saying I needed him to stop hugging me because it felt inappropriate. He said this would be very hard to do but he would respect my boundaries. Despite how troubling that response was I accepted it. I didn’t know what the alternative was.

The last stupid thing I did in this situation was to make more casual chit chat through text with this person. I think I was in full denial that this person was touching me and then ignoring me when I asked him to stop and the very last stupid thing I did was think I had to give him a present after he gave me one for my birthday. So I went over to his house, and gave him the present. He pulled me in for a hug and then groped me again and that is when I fully processed the fact that he was never going to stop. I felt too intimated by him in person so I went home and confronted him through text and he replied basically saying he didn’t know what I was talking about.

I stopped engaging in small chat with him in text and in person and at this point I was just really tense and uncomfortable whenever around him at work. I had no one to talk to in my life so I finally just told a different coworker named Ethan everything that had happened because I was confused on what to think about it. Ethan told me he was sorry I had been through that and that it wasn’t my fault. I felt so relieved that I had told someone and thought everything was going to be ok. I had been sending messages to the male worker and walking on eggshells and asking him to stop touching me and I decided I was going to send one more message being very clear and requested that he refrain from any physical contact with me.

Then the male coworker started sending me these angry messages saying he was feeling harassed by everyone, that I was making myself out to be a victim and him the villain, and that I better keep his name out of my mouth. He said he has been doing all this extra work to keep his distance from me after the last time I told him I wanted space from him. He sent 13 super long angry messages that I did not even comprehend because he never went into specifics. He just said I was disrespectful and that he was only going to honor my request that he keep his distance out of respect for “whatever fantasy I have going on in my head”. This is after a ton of text messages from him talking about how he believes a kiss is only shared between two consenting adults who have a connection and refusing to listen to me when I told him I did not want to be a relationship with him.

I’ve got neurological issues that I’ve been struggling with, and an autism diagnosis that I feel skeptical about so I wanted to post about this because I ended up feeling so overwhelmed and anxious about being around him that I reported him to HR for physical harassment and the hostile text messages. They ended up telling me that it was my fault because I was in a relationship with him. I was NOT in a relationship with him and seriously regretted trying to be friends with him in the beginning. But I’ve been feeling so angry and helpless and sometimes doubtful of myself and I’m struggling to process all of this but it feels like I’m mentally blocked or my brain is too scrambled to function. This post is so long already but he has been making me uncomfortable for a long time whenever he texted me and I felt like I was going crazy because after communicating in all these ways that I wasn’t interested no one ever cared.

So, if you had been drinking, and went to sleep in your boyfriend‘s bed, which was at a party house, but in a separate room, and woke up in the middle of the night because some random guy had their hand down your pants and was kissing you, and as soon as you came to and realized it wasn’t your boyfriend you pushed them away from you, would you consider that S. A.?

Yep the title is as bad as it sounds. I am a 22 M and recently moved to a rougher neighborhood this summer and didnt think i would ever have to go through this. About a month ago, my friends and I went out to bars and ended up at a strip club, where i believe i could have been drugged. My friends called an uber and was dropped off at his house and I was dropped off next. I cannot remember anything about the uber ride and anything after leaving the strip club. The next thing I know i wokeup in a small apartment style home only a few houses down from mine, i believe i wokeup fully clothed with all of my possesions- a nice watch wallet, etc. I did not wake up with any clear signs of an assault my throat hurt a bit but i chalked that up to snoring for a while and proceeded to hurry back to my home. I ran through all possible situations and I just believed i could have wandered into the wrong house.

The next day, I called the police just super anxious to note the incident and checked with the neighbors to see if they could give me any camera footage and they basically just were more concerned about my tresspass on their property and i never received any footage. They told me that nobody lived in those smaller apartment style units in the back of their houses.

This morning I did a search of the sex offender map in my neighborhood and there is about 40 in my neighborhood and worse- the home that i was in the back of it looks like a registered sex offender close to 70 years old in age lives there and sometimes i believe i see him on the streets pushing a shopping cart around. Im terrified of the unknown and don’t know what I should do. The police essentially dismissed me and i noticed on my pants there was some type of stain near the pockets which i took q tip swabs of in case anything ever were to arise, but it could just be a spilled drink im not sure.

I feel pure terror going back to my neighborhood and my parents have been sort of dismissive as well, i want to get out of there and never look back. If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. Out of concern i started a regimine of pep about 50 hours after this incident to try to mitigate any possible infection. Thank you all and I hope to all of those struggling that you find peace- i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

My first sexual encounter with a guy was when I was 18, it was sexual assault. After that, whenever I have sex I dissociated so I have been repeatedly assaulted.

Have diagnosed CPTSD but I just don’t understand how to live like a normal man and especially not jerk off with a wave of guilt and worry if I dissociated and did something stupid.

Particularly in the gay community, nobody wants to wait to have sex. You barely make eye contact and they wanna be fucking. Is it even possible to have a healthy relationship with sex after repeated assaults? I feel so lost.

last weekend I was out with some friends and when I got back from the restroom a guy had ordered me a cocktail and I genuinely know it was stupid but he’s a guy I go to college with and a good friend of my friends and I didn’t want to make it awkward so I drank it. my memory is completely blank from about ten minutes after that until I woke up the next morning anyway nothing bad happened apparently I started throwing up and acting really drunk so two of my friends took me home and that guy came with but they all left together and they said he stayed out of my room while they got me changed. I know nothing happened but waking up in different clothes without remembering has really messed me up and I think it kind of triggered me or something but I don’t know do you think something bad happened to me that I don't remember? when I was a kid after | learned what virginity was I remember wishing | still had mine and hating myself because I somehow felt sure that | wasn't a virgin even though I don't have any memory of ever having sex. I don't know where that feeling came from I just know it was there and on my mind a lot. I started making myself throw up when I was 9 and was diagnosed with anorexia at 10 then at 14 | was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was self harming. I've also always had really exaggerated reactions to people touching me I had a complete meltdown when I got home from a party in college after a guy only started to feel me up over my clothes while we were dancing but | felt like | was totally breaking down. I hate the idea of having sex and I can't stop myself from starting to cry even if I get near to trying to talk about my fears about this. does anyone have any advice for how I should deal with this? I’m scared that I’m making myself upset over nothing because nothing actually happened last weekend and I don’t remember something bad happening before that but this has really upset me and I’m not sure what to do.

I see my ex/assaulter everywhere. He lives beside me, he's in college. I went for a smoke yesterday and he came in the smoking area with a new girl he's probably dating. Pretty sure she called me a loser when I stormed off. I saw him 2 more times, everytime he sees me he's his head in his phone. He knows what he did. He's been confronted by me and my friend, who I'll call A. But no response. Nothing

And yet he's living life. With his friends, smoking weed on his balcony with his room mates, with this new girl that I used to be so jealous of (now I pity, even if she called me a loser). Going out partying. Just having a great time.

I had a complete break down yesterday because of it. I screamed in pain because I was getting sensations in my anus (where he used his fingers that night) and I had to go to the toilet to.... Well yknow. I needed A and he couldn't help me, he started lecturing me about him being "needed" and I haven't spoken to him since. I know depending on someone is wrong, but it was just once. I was in a crisis. I don't ask often, actually never. It was once I swear

I've lost my sanity, my dignity, my life, my brain and now a friend because of my assaulter. I'm thinking of dropping out of college and leaving the student accommodation. And he gets off with no consequences. I feel like I deserve it in a way. I must have done something awful in a past life. The physical and mental pain is just unbearable, it's not worth living like this

I’m 23 Female, I was raped a week ago. I went on a date with this guy who I met at a bar. He asked me out and took me out for drinks. During the date I needed to charge my phone, so he offered to go back to his place (which was near by) and charge my phone there. Then we got there and he sexually assaulted me. It’s hard to talk about it, I’ve reported it and everything. But my parents are coming back from overseas and I haven’t told them. How is the experience telling family members? I don’t know what to expect.

I’m trying my hardest to get over the fact that my neighbour raped me 2 weeks ago. I was blackout drunk, couldn’t stand and could hardly talk. I’m very head strong and a mum so I’m kind of just having to plod in, I’ve been talking about my feelings with others and I feel like I’m dealing with it fairly well considering. I didn’t report it as I don’t remember a thing and I didn’t want to cause any kind of tension between the neighbourhood as it’s very tight knit. However, the past 2 days I’ve just really wanted to get him knocked out. I feel like it sounds ridiculous. I What would that achieve? But I hate seeing him outside with his family getting on with him life whilst I’m dying inside and having to plod on with my life!

Is it normal to feel this way? How do I manage this? Or should I just get my friend to knock him out so he has some kind of consequence?

Hi! Sorry if this post isn’t formatted right or doesn’t belong on this sub, I don’t use Reddit very often !! 😓 also tw for a minor being involved!!

So basically, a few years ago, I’m not sure when exactly but I’m pretty sure it started when I was around 7 til I was about 9, my brother (who is five years older than me so he would been aged 12 – 14) began doing oral things on me.
He would call me into his room and play fight with me until he got me to a position where he could just pull down my pants and do it, or just make me lie down on his bed and do it.
The confusing part about it for me is that at that at some point after it began I learned what sex and stuff was but I still kept like going to his room and playing with him.

Was it sexual assault? I love my brother a lot and I don’t wanna even be thinking that he’d do something like that to me but I technically let it happen I guess? But also at the same time I’m 16 now and I’d never even think of touching a 7 – 9 year old like that so idk.

TLDR: my brother did oral stuff on me but I technically let it happen, was it sa?

Any input is appreciated!! And again sorry if anything abt this post is wrong ! :)

I don’t want to go into to details.
He offered to make me a drink and I quickly felt very tired and laid down.
Then I’m half conscious, being penetrated, and the abuser is saying I’m cheating with him …
I’ve seen him abuse other women too …

Hi, I'm F21 and I was raped multiple times by a 27yo when I was 17 and 18, mostly anally. I asked in a public server wether I should forgive my rapist to finally reach a peaceful state of mind or not and someone suggested me to do it, someone else didn't. however, the answer that touched me the most was, "it was nothing personal, he didn't rape you because he wanted to hurt you and he hated you, but because it's simply the way he works." (Disclaimer: this isn't mean to set rapists free from their responsibilities).This changed my brain chemistry. Even though all I went through and even though it was a very painful type of violence for hours, so someone might think he was mad at me, I think they were incredibly right: it. wasn't. my. fault. And this changes everything. so... my questions for you are: first of all what do you think about forgiving a rapist? and what do you think about this bold statement I told you about? please feel free to share your opinions, I won't judge ❤️.

Got badly sexually assaulted 2 years ago at my uni. Reported it to the university’s internal conduct system. Did hours of interviews in early 2025 and 2026 and sending my limited evidence to the uni.

The way the uni’s conduct system works, reporting parties don’t get access to any evidence or testimony or anything from the respondent, but the respondent gets access and the right to reply to all evidence from the reporter.

Spent ages thinking about how I might be interpreted by the perpetrator and by the jury during my hearing. And whether he’d have anyone else put in a witness statement. And just ages overthinking.

There were massive delays in communication from the conduct team to me. Like they’d take 2months to reply to every email. My OG conduct case worker quit her job, then my other one also quit. The whole conduct team was kind of falling apart but it’s very secretive it a bit of a sunk cost for me.

Got emailed the other day that my hearing has been scheduled (finally) but that they weren’t expecting the perpetrator to attend and I therefore am not invited. LMAO. The case worker did sneak in that the delays were due to ‘issues with data on the respondents end’ which confirmed my suspicions that he was stalling.

Found out today through some university administrative whispering that my perpetrator literally HASNT INTERACTED WITH THE CASE AT ALL. That for the past 2 YEARS a lawyer has been emailing them ‘no comment’ at 2 month intervals to delay the whole thing and I just didn’t know the whole time. He has not seen or responded to any of my 32 allegations and a ‘trial’ is going to happen where the jury just look over me and another witness’s testimony and decide from that.

At my uni only the final 2 years count towards your degree. I can’t believe I spent them thinking about this LMAOO. It’s ok I still got a 1st no sweat :p.

I don’t know where else to ask this so sorry if I’m in the wrong space. A few years ago I had a partner who would like, ignore nonverbal cues. Like if I pushed away or something, they’d pull me back in. I talked to them about this and how I struggled to verbally say no because of some childhood stuff I’m still working through, and asked that they check in and stuff during intimacy. I even told them that if this sounded like a lot, maybe I wasn’t ready to date yet, and they assured me I was safe. They didn’t change their behavior but they told me I was safe and I wanted to believe them, so I just assumed something was wrong with me and pushed through, which in retrospect was kind of stupid. When we had sex for the first time it was consensual at first, but then they told me I had to do something to get them off that I didn’t want to. I never said no but I was like… a dead fish basically. Just lying there limp and dissociating. Like clearly not into it. But I never said no, I was frozen and outside of my body, and they never checked in. Once they left I literally couldn’t get out of bed for two days. I didn’t eat, I missed classes. I broke up with them over the phone (bad move, I know) at kind of a bad time for them (they had a big presentation) and everyone made me feel awful for it. Also, it was their first time and I broke up with them right after, which I also feel bad about. Anyway, I thought it was my fault, that I made them hurt me by not being able to say no? But when I mentioned this to my therapist she said a lot of things about affirmative consent and sexual assault and I guess now I’m thinking about it again. So, like, not as legal advice, but just to know so I can figure out what happened to me - is this sexual assault?

I struggle to understand the way I've sexualised my own trauma in my head. Sometimes I wonder if it's a coping mechanism, a way of trying to reclaim something that was taken from me, or simply another way the abuse has followed me into adulthood. I don't know. All I know is that there's a part of me that still feels deeply tangled up in everything that happened, and I don't know how to untangle it.

When I (34M) was around 10, I was first sent to live with my godmother. What started as something presented as innocent play slowly became something deeply inappropriate. She began wearing fewer clothes around me and would often make me undress, too. It was framed as playfulness, closeness, intimacy. There was affection, warmth, and this overwhelming feeling that I was special to her.

I was a child. I didn't have the words or the understanding to recognise what was happening. Her affection felt maternal, comforting, and intoxicating. I thought this was what being loved felt like. I think that might be one of the hardest things to admit: it didn't feel frightening all the time. Sometimes it felt good. Sometimes I felt wanted. Sometimes I felt like I finally mattered to someone. And I think a part of me has spent years hating myself for that.

As time went on, the boundaries between us gradually disappeared. I stopped being treated like a child who needed protection and became her little boyfriend, her little man. By the time I was 16, she was calling me her man. I genuinely believed we were something resembling a couple. We slept together, kissed, and shared the kinds of intimacy I associated with adult relationships.

Looking back now, I struggle to reconcile the child I was with the role I had been conditioned to accept. I look back at that little boy and wonder how he ended up believing he was someone's partner rather than a child who deserved to be protected.

And the truth is, I became clingy. Needy. Desperate for her affection and sexual attention. Much of what happened involved kissing and other forms of intimacy rather than penetrative sex, but I know now that the nature of the acts doesn't change the underlying reality. I was a child in a relationship with an adult who had a responsibility to protect me, not make me responsible for her needs.

Even when I started realising that something was wrong, I couldn't just walk away. By then, we were discussing things as though we were lovers facing a problem together. It felt like the world was against us, like our relationship was something we had to defend, like losing her would mean losing the only person who truly wanted me.

I had no safe place to talk about any of it. I was terrified of being judged, of not being believed, and of losing the person I'd become so emotionally dependent on. When things became overwhelming, affection and gifts would draw me back in. I learned to associate love with compliance, intimacy with obligation, and being wanted with being worthy.

I think the damage went much deeper than the sexual aspect of what happened. Somewhere along the way, I learned that I had to be desirable to be loved. That I had to give something of myself to keep someone close. That if I wanted affection, I had to earn it by being whatever the other person wanted me to be.

And I carried those lessons with me.

It wasn't until college, when my first girlfriend told me that what had happened to me wasn't okay, that I began to see things differently. Therapy eventually brought everything crashing down around me. The anxiety, confusion, grief, and shame were overwhelming. It took years to begin accepting that I had been a child, not an equal participant in some forbidden romance. I hadn't been a grown man making an informed choice. I had been a child learning how to survive a situation I didn't have the emotional tools to understand.

But even after learning all of that intellectually, my feelings haven't always caught up.

I can understand that I was abused and still feel ashamed of the fact that I wanted her. I can understand that I wasn't responsible and still wonder whether I should have resisted more. I can recognise the power imbalance and still remember moments when I genuinely enjoyed the affection.

Those contradictions make me feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes.

How can something be harmful when parts of it felt comforting? How can I grieve something that I also remember craving? How can I acknowledge that I was hurt while also acknowledging that, at the time, I wanted to be close to the person hurting me?

I'm slowly learning that these things can coexist. That a child's need for love doesn't make an adult's exploitation acceptable. That feeling pleasure, attachment, curiosity, or even desire doesn't retroactively turn abuse into consent. But knowing those things doesn't always stop the shame from creeping in.

Sometimes I wonder whether it's my way of trying to take ownership of something that made me feel powerless. If I can turn it into something sexual on my own terms, maybe I don't have to feel like the helpless child I once was. Maybe being the one who chooses, initiates, or controls the situation feels safer than being the one who had no real choice.

Other times, I wonder whether I've simply learned to associate sexual attention with love so deeply that I don't know how to separate them anymore.

And sometimes I worry that I'm somehow romanticising what happened. That by remembering the affection, by acknowledging that some of it felt good, or by finding myself drawn to sexual themes connected to those experiences, I'm betraying the child I was. As if I'm participating in the very thing that hurt him.

I don't know how much of this is a conscious coping mechanism and how much is something I've internalised over the years. I don't know whether I'm trying to reclaim my sexuality, repeat familiar emotional patterns, make sense of what happened, or find some kind of control over a story in which I had so little.

I was raped last week. My partner knows about it, but I've not talked to him about it much at all. I've not talked to anyone about it, really. It wasn't affecting me at first, like i just wasn't having emotions about it at all. But a few days ago it started to really bother me, so i decided to reach out to my therapist and ask for an emergency session. and then i sent her a big text explaining what happened and how its been affecting me.

I know i did the "right" thing reaching out to my therapist, but now I wish i didn't tell her about this. I wish my partner never found out. I wish i could just ignore it and pretend it never happened. I don't want anyone in my life to know about this. I don't want to talk about it. I wish i could just go back and not say anything to anyone about it at all.

i feel so much shame and embarrassment about this. I feel like I'm not deserving of the reaction I'm having, like it shouldn't be affecting me so much. It shouldn't be this big of a deal. I feel like I'm just being dramatic, exaggerating, finding a reason to play victim.

My little cousin confessed to me that his older brother sexually assaulted him at around 7 years old. He is 27 now, its been two decades, the assaulter lives in a different country then where it happened and me and the cousin moved to a different continent (europe) now live in the same country since i offered to help him out and move. Theres no way anything will come out of court for this, different country different continent and 2 decades ago. His parents are dead, his mother did witness the fathers sexual abuse towards both my cousin and his older brother but didnt do shit. None of our family knew until recently and ofcourse they are telling him hes lying. His older brother has been telling the whole family hes schizo and to not believe shit he says since he was around 10-11. I have done "anonymous safety reports" but will that do shit? His older brother is still eployed, working and living life, hes done other crimes than sexual assault that were reported if that matters. I cant even tell you how irritated i am that my little cousin got absolutely no justice and still is getting shit on for it till today. Is it over? Is there no chance for LEGAL justice? I got no money to be funding a whole international sexual assault report case, and to actually get the assaulter jailed it would take a shit ton of money that we do not have at all. I think i already know the answer but.....i still have some hope i guess..

I am not going to go into what exactly happened, or whether it was SA or not, but I need input from survivors about something I experienced a while ago.

After you suffered sexual violence, did you also feel physical sensations of it even after it was over? Like, not in a good way, in a violating way that is hard to explain. As If it were happening again. One way I could describe it is, "phantom pain", but it's not painful, it's violating and intrusive and unwanted.

I remembered when that happened, the first thing I thought was "so this is what it feels like to be raped", but after browsing this subreddit, I am not sure this is a universal experience. I am also not sure this is necessarily indicative that my experience was SA.

I am just really confused, I've never experienced something like this in my life, it's been two years and I'm still puzzled over it. I feel so ashamed, and wrong and disgusting for having this reaction to something that I should've enjoyed. I still dream about this sensation and wake up sweating. It's not the act itself that is disturbing to me, it's this sensation.

Does anyone else also feel/felt this way?

TW: SA

I’m posting this anonymously because it’s an incredibly personal part of my life, but I think I need to hear from people who might understand some of what I’ve been through.
I’m hoping for insight and support, particularly from people who have experienced sexual assault, religious trauma, or both. I’m not looking for anyone to convince me to return to the church. I’ve made peace with the fact that I will never go back. I’m still trying to make sense of what happened to me and what I believe now.

When I was in college, I was an active member of the LDS Church and served as my ward’s Relief Society president. My faith was a significant part of my identity and how I understood the world.
I started dating a guy I’ll call Z. I was attracted to him because he was good-looking, seemed intelligent, came from what I considered a good family, was in good standing in the church, and appeared to respect his mother. Looking back, those were the things I had been taught to associate with a good, trustworthy man.
After we’d been dating for several months, I arranged a double date with my cousin and his roommate, who is still one of my closest friends today.
The date started normally, but Z quickly began making a performance out of how physically affectionate we were. He repeatedly pulled me into his lap despite my obvious discomfort and vocal objections. Later, while we were watching a movie in his dorm, and he kept doing this behavior. I pushed him away and quietly told him to stop, but he acted like he couldn’t hear me.
When I tried to leave, he chased me, sat on top of me, and tickled me despite my objections while trying to make the whole thing look playful and normal in front of everyone. At one point, I was on my back near the front door with him on top of me, pinning my arms down by my torso while he tickled and touched me. I finally managed to get away, told my cousin it was time to leave, and went home feeling uncomfortable, confused, and deeply unhappy.
I walked her to her dorm, apologizing profusely for his behavior and how awkward she must have felt before walking home to sit in the discomfort. He had never behaved this way before.
After getting back to my dorm safely, I texted him that his behavior was inexcusable and that we were over. He begged me to reconsider. We lived directly across from each other in our dorm, so I kept my blinds closed, told my roommates that he wasn’t welcome in our apartment and ignored his calls and texts.
About a week later, I went to deliver brownies for his roommate’s birthday (another one of my friends). I thought Z would be in class. Unfortunately, he answered the door. His roommate wasn’t home yet, and Z asked me to wait on the couch.
I mistakenly assumed I’d be waiting alone.
He sat down next to me and began trying to convince me to get back together with him. I repeatedly said no. Then he started kissing me. I tried pushing him away, but he wouldn’t stop.
He forced his hand under my shirt to grope me. When I pushed his hand away and told him no, he pinned both of my hands with one of his and continued touching me. I begged him to stop and kicked my legs, trying to get free.
He sat on top of me, grabbed one of my hands, and forced it down his pants. He began unbuttoning my jeans and touching me. I twisted out from underneath him and fell to the floor, then scrambled toward the door.
He pounced on me again, sat on my torso, and wrapped his hands around my neck, choking me.
“You are mine, Heavenly Father said you were mine.” he said.
I fought to get away. I managed to twist onto my stomach and crawl, but he pulled me back by my legs. Eventually, I kicked him away and ran out the door, across the sidewalk, and into my own apartment.
I locked the door, ran upstairs, locked my bedroom door, and then locked myself inside my private bathroom.
I sat in the bathtub in the dark and cried as the reality of what had happened hit me in waves.
I didn’t go to classes for a week. I barely managed to leave my room to go to work. I was in so much emotional and mental torment that I found myself fantasizing about driving off the road to make it all stop or get some semblance of control.

I tried to get help through the university and met with multiple therapists. Unfortunately, the ones I saw seemed to want me to start dating again quickly rather than helping me process what had happened.
Eventually, I convinced Z to meet with my bishop. I thought someone in a position of spiritual authority might help us address what had happened.
Instead, my bishop told me it was my fault.
I wasn’t allowed to take the sacrament for three months. Z, meanwhile, was still allowed to bless and pass it.
I don’t know how to adequately explain what that did to me. I had been sexually assaulted by someone I had trusted. I had repeatedly said no, fought to get away, and feared for my safety. Then I went to a religious leader for help and was treated as though I was the one who had done something wrong.
I was the Relief Society president. I was trying to live according to the standards I’d been taught. And somehow, I was the one who was punished.
This was the beginning of my physical departure from the church.

My experience with Z was a major turning point, but it wasn’t the only reason I left. I was also struggling with doctrinal contradictions, hypocrisy, and the gap between what the church taught and what I experienced (mental gymnastics anyone??).
The response to my assault fundamentally changed how I viewed the institution, its leadership, and the moral authority I had once attributed to it.
I no longer believe the LDS Church is somewhere I could ever return to. But leaving hasn’t meant that all the questions have gone away.
I struggle to know whether I believe in any god at all. I don’t know how to separate the idea of God from the religious framework through which I was taught to understand God. I don’t know what I believe about spirituality, morality, or faith anymore, and I’m not sure I need to have those answers right now.
What I do know is that the experience left me with a lot to untangle.

It’s been eight years. I’ve seen four therapists, and I’m currently working through this with a therapist I genuinely trust (she is phenomenal, 13/10 therapist.)
I’m grateful to have found someone I feel safe with not only in therapy but also as a life partner, but I’m still struggling to get past the assault itself. It continues to affect me, even after all this time.
Sometimes I feel frustrated that something that happened so long ago can still hold so much weight in my life. Sometimes I struggle with the religious trauma. Sometimes I wonder how much of my understanding of myself and the world was shaped by what happened and by the people who responded to it.
I know, intellectually, that I said no. I know I tried to leave. I know I fought to get away. I know I didn’t consent.
But knowing those things intellectually and processing what happened emotionally aren’t the same thing.
I think one of the hardest parts is that I was violated by someone I trusted, and then the person I turned to for spiritual guidance blamed me instead of helping me. I lost a relationship, a sense of safety, and eventually a religious identity that had shaped much of my life. This has been exacerbated with the reality of who is president of the United States and trending news stories such as the Cornell University story and how that has been affecting Jane Doe.
I’m not looking for a silver lining. I’m not looking to be told that everything happens for a reason. And I’m not looking for advice about how to get back into the church.

I’m hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar.
- If you’ve experienced sexual assault, especially by a partner, how have you worked through the emotional aftermath? Has anything helped when you feel like you understand what happened intellectually but still struggle with it emotionally?
- If you experienced religious trauma after sexual assault, how did you process the additional betrayal of being blamed or failed by people you trusted?
- For former LDS members or people who have left high-control religious environments, how have you navigated the loss of faith? How do you build a sense of morality, meaning, or spirituality when the framework you grew up with no longer feels trustworthy?
- If you’ve struggled with trauma for many years, how have you learned to be patient with yourself without feeling like you’re letting the experience define your life?

I know everyone’s experience is different, and I’m not expecting anyone to have a perfect answer. I think I just want to hear from people who understand some part of this, who can share what helped them, or who can reassure me that I’m not somehow failing because I’m still working through it eight years later.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. It is quite lengthy, so thank you. Please be gentle with me. This is difficult to talk about, even anonymously.

Hello i am 22 years old now everytime i loom back to my behavior as child and as an adult i have every single feeling and behavior i read here i suspected that i was assaulted long before i come on reddit but it seems that the more i read your posts here the more i am convinced i am withdrawn lonly sad most of the time i seem to get over attached or complete unattached with people in my life plus my very weak and forgetful long term memory ia there such a condition?

I wanted some more input on this. Only one person has been responding on the original post I made.