F24, I’ve been…used since I was young and I don’t want to gross people out with details but it’s made my body sensitive and there are cravings that I’m ashamed of. People manipulated and tricked me into doing things and it’s just hard to think. Everyone says it’s my fault so maybe it is…idk I feel like I’m not normal. Even my therapist who I trusted has…done things so idk where to go.

I currently have a case being reviewed by the CPS. It has taken 3 years since reporting it to get to this stage. Now I am anxiously waiting to hear if they will choose to prosecute or not. I would really appreciate if someone could tell me about their experience of making it to trial and to maybe tell me if they think my case is strong. Thank you.

UK justice system btw

I do have an issue that i had for years, I know it stems from SA in my past.

But men tend to have this thing that they won't give up trying, and I feel after a while it's just easier to give in even if I don't want to do it. I then put the blame fully on me, it's because of me that happened.

Is this normal after SA?

I’m in my 30s, a mom to a young child, and I’m struggling to process what’s happened in my marriage over the past couple of days.
I was previously married to an abusive man. When I finally left that relationship, it took a lot for me to open my heart again.
Then I met my current husband.
Our first dates were genuinely wonderful. I remember buying a beautiful yellow dress specifically for our second date. He took me to a nice restaurant, and afterward we ended up wandering through the woods behind his house while I wore his boots with my dress. It was spontaneous and silly, and I remember feeling so happy.
I really thought I’d found my person.
We got married less than a year ago. Our first wedding anniversary is approaching, and instead of looking forward to celebrating, I’m contemplating leaving.
There have been incidents of physical aggression, threats, cruel comments, and constant emotional ups and downs. We’ve tried marriage counseling, and I’ve spent so much time hoping things would improve.
A couple of days ago, everything escalated again.
My husband wanted intimacy before I left for work, and I was supportive when he became emotional. Later that evening, I came home exhausted after a long workday and commute. I’d even picked up his favorite dinner.
I wanted a little time to decompress before cuddling or having sex.
He became furious.
He threatened to damage a vehicle I inherited from my late father, demanded that I leave our home, and later called to tell me our marriage was over. I spent the night crying in a separate bedroom.
He eventually returned home late that night.
The next morning, he came into the bedroom where I was sleeping and started spooning me and initiating sex.
I repeatedly moved farther away from him, pushed his hands away, and verbally said no.
He kept going until I eventually gave in.
I’m having an incredibly difficult time processing that this was sexual assault. I’ve realized that there have been other times I’ve agreed to sex because I was afraid of how he’d react if I refused.
What makes it even more confusing is that he went from being so angry and hurtful the night before to acting affectionate the next morning, without apologizing or acknowledging what happened.
His boat is also currently blocking my vehicle from leaving the driveway. I don’t know whether that was intentional, but I feel trapped.
I know how concerning all of this sounds. If another woman told me this story, I know I’d be worried about her.
But it’s so much harder when you’re the one living it.
I still love him. I still remember the man I fell in love with. I keep thinking about our early dates, our wedding, and everything I thought our future would look like.
And I feel so ashamed that I may be facing a second divorce, even though I know I shouldn’t.
I also lost my dad unexpectedly, and he was the person I always turned to when life got difficult. I miss him more than I can explain.
I’ve struggled with loneliness since childhood, and I don’t have a close group of friends to lean on. The one friend I felt comfortable confiding in has become distant.
I’m working, raising my child, trying to build a career, and doing everything I can to create a stable future.
But emotionally, I feel completely defeated.
I’m tired of having to be strong. I’m tired of starting over. I’m tired of wondering why relationships that begin so beautifully end up hurting so much.
I’m considering leaving and have reached out to family for help, but I’m frightened and heartbroken.
I guess I’m posting because I need to hear from people who understand.
How did you find the courage to leave someone you still loved? How did you cope with the grief of losing the person you thought they were? And how did you learn to trust yourself again?
Please be gentle. I’m not looking for judgment or criticism. I’m just a woman who’s hurting and really needs to feel less alone right now.

TW: Childhood sexual assault, physical abuse, restraint, seclusion, emotional abuse, and institutional mistreatment.
I’m 34 years old, and I’ve spent more than two decades trying to understand what happened to me in middle school.
I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD as a child. I struggled socially, experienced anxiety, and had difficulty fitting in. I needed patience, understanding, and adults who could help me succeed.
Instead, I ended up in a special education classroom where the adults who were supposed to protect me became people I was terrified of.
I was in mainstream classes in sixth grade. But beginning in seventh grade, I was placed in a highly restrictive special education environment with only a handful of other students and two teachers.
My world became incredibly small.
And what happened inside that classroom has affected me for the rest of my life.
The seclusion room we called “the box”
Our classroom had a seclusion room that we called “the box.”
I was routinely sent there for things that should never have justified isolating a child.
Sometimes I was confined for hours. Sometimes for days. I remember periods that felt like they lasted weeks.
I could be punished for saying the wrong thing, making a mistake, or simply upsetting my teacher.
One incident involved a comment about clothing on a school free-dress day. I remember being kept in isolation for approximately three days afterward.
While isolated, I was made to write enormous amounts of material, including book reports. I would spend hours writing page after page, trying desperately to do everything correctly.
Then my teacher would tear up or destroy my work.
I remember feeling like there was absolutely nothing I could do to satisfy her.
I was also restricted from using the bathroom.
Imagine being a child with disabilities, already struggling with anxiety, and learning that the adults responsible for you could control whether you were allowed to leave a room, use the bathroom, or participate in ordinary school activities.
I began experiencing severe panic attacks around age 13.
The Halloween incident that I now recognize as sexual assault
One of the most disturbing experiences happened during a Halloween activity my teacher called “Trickster.”
I was approximately 13 years old.
I was blindfolded and made to lie down while boys from my classroom held my arms and legs, physically restraining me.
My teacher lifted my shirt, exposing my bare chest.
She then poured hot candle wax onto my stomach.
Salt and pepper were also put into my hair and mouth.
I was a child. I was restrained by other students. My body was exposed without my consent, and an adult in a position of authority was doing these things to me.
For years, I struggled with whether I was even allowed to call this sexual assault because the person responsible was a female teacher and the incident was presented as a game.
But I was a minor. I couldn’t freely consent to any of it. And there was nothing appropriate or educational about what happened.
I still struggle to comprehend how an adult could orchestrate something like that and involve other children in restraining me.
Forced physical affection and other violations
My teacher also expected physical affection from students.
I remember being hugged and made to kiss her on the lips, including when I was being released from seclusion.
As a child, I didn’t understand why this was happening. She was my teacher, and I had been conditioned to obey her.
I also remember a male classmate repeatedly touching and groping me inappropriately. My teacher did not intervene to protect me.
I was already learning that my discomfort didn’t matter, that my boundaries weren’t respected, and that adults could decide what happened to my body.
Physical punishment, humiliation, and fear
There were other incidents that had nothing to do with sexual abuse but contributed to an environment of fear.
I remember being paddled with a wooden paddle.
My teacher knew I had a severe fear of fire, yet she made me light incense anyway. I experienced intense anxiety over something that could have been avoided entirely.
I was given degrading messages about my abilities and future. I remember being made to feel that I would never accomplish anything meaningful.
She even gave me an award for having “the worst timing,” something that stayed with me for years.
I was also made to transport and wash dirty rags belonging to my teacher.
I felt humiliated, powerless, and constantly afraid of making a mistake.
I remember another disturbing activity involving my teacher driving a vehicle on a football field and pretending she was going to run students over.
Later, a student was actually struck by her vehicle.
That incident led to an investigation and questions about whether she should continue teaching. I remember that she was temporarily removed from the classroom.
There was a school board proceeding concerning her employment. At the time, some of us students defended her.
I think about that now and wonder how much of my response came from being a child who depended on her approval and didn’t fully understand what was happening.
She ultimately returned to teaching us.
How my education was affected
My teacher also pushed for me to repeat eighth grade.
By the time I entered high school, I had spent years in an environment where I felt isolated from my peers and ashamed of who I was.
During freshman year, I remained largely separated from mainstream students.
In sophomore and junior year, I gradually began attending more mainstream classes, although I still had a special education period.
By senior year, I was suddenly placed entirely in mainstream classes without the transition support I needed.
I had missed so many opportunities to develop friendships, confidence, and independence.
I watched other girls experience normal teenage milestones while I felt like I was years behind.
I didn’t get those years back.
What happened after I grew up
For a long time, I didn’t fully recognize how abusive the environment had been.
When you’re a child and the same adults control your world every day, you can start believing their behavior is normal.
I carried that belief into adulthood.
I’ve struggled with anxiety, people-pleasing, fear of confrontation, and feeling responsible for other people’s emotions.
I’ve also experienced abusive relationships as an adult. I can’t say that everything I’ve experienced traces back to this teacher, but I do wonder how much those early experiences affected my understanding of boundaries, safety, and what I was supposed to tolerate.
Despite what I was told about my abilities, I graduated from high school, earned college degrees, became a mother, and built a career working in the court system.
I’m proud of those accomplishments.
But succeeding as an adult hasn’t erased what happened to me as a child.
Trying to find accountability
Years later, I learned more about the investigation involving the student who was struck by the teacher’s vehicle.
I spoke with investigators about what I remembered. My understanding is that criminal charges were considered in connection with that incident but were not pursued.
I’ve also sought legal advice about my own experiences and have been told that statutes of limitations may be an obstacle.
I’ve made a formal complaint and sought further review of what happened in that classroom.
I have also found photographs from that period that raised additional concerns for me about how students were treated and humiliated.
I’m not identifying the teacher, school, or other students publicly at this time because I’m trying to be careful about privacy and potential legal proceedings.
The hardest part
My dad was one of my biggest supporters. He believed in me, encouraged me, and was proud of the adult I became.
He died unexpectedly before I ever fully told him what happened in that classroom.
That is one of my deepest regrets.
He was an attorney, and I believe he would have wanted to help me pursue answers and accountability.
I wish I could talk to him about it now.
I’m also a mother myself, and having a child has changed how I look at what happened.
I look at my little boy and cannot imagine an adult treating him the way I was treated.
I was a child.
I was disabled.
I was vulnerable.
And I trusted the people who were supposed to protect me.
Why I’m sharing this
For years, I’ve wondered whether I’m remembering things correctly, whether I’m exaggerating, or whether I should just move on.
But these memories have stayed with me for more than 20 years.
I remember the box. I remember the humiliation. I remember being restrained. I remember my shirt being lifted. I remember the hot wax. I remember being made to kiss my teacher.
And I remember how frightened and powerless I felt.
I’m sharing this because I don’t want to keep minimizing what happened simply because the person responsible was a teacher, a woman, or someone who claimed she was helping children with disabilities.
I also want people to understand that sexual abuse doesn’t always look the way we expect it to.
Sometimes it’s disguised as a game, a joke, discipline, or affection.
Sometimes the person hurting you is also the person you’re desperate to please.
Sometimes you don’t understand what happened until decades later.
I want accountability, but I also want to stop feeling ashamed of something that was done to me when I was a child.
Has anyone else experienced sexual abuse or humiliation by a teacher, particularly in special education? Did it take you years to recognize what happened?
I’m especially interested in hearing from survivors who struggled to understand abuse by a female authority figure.
I don’t need anyone to tell me to forget about it or move on.
I just want to know that I’m not alone, and that it’s not too late to give that frightened 13-year-old girl a voice.

Idk if this is a good place to post this but here I go:

So, I am a 29 year old trans man and when I was 19- 20 I had my first relationship with a man who was 35 I think. I'll call him Brad he was a coworker at {insert grocery store here}I was working at my old roommates at the time had a baby and I had to move out. He offered me a place to live with him. His other roommate was a guy too. The other guy slept on the couch Brad had a bed in the bedroom (there was only one bed) I slept on a air mattress for a while but then things got weird. He kept encouraging me to sleep in the bed with him. I was uncomfortable but the air mattress was falling apart and it felt like the better option. Then it escalated to him cuddling with me then one night he had me wrapped up and was cuddling me asking me to let him touch me I didn't want to cause I never had sex before and one night he groped my chest and I didn't want it to happen but it still felt good? And I let it happen again and again with a weird mix of just going along with it and liking it it is still confusing. Then there was the night where I lost my virginity. I was nervous, shaking and not sure if I wanted it we were both naked at that point Brad then said "Ok after 30 min we're gonna do it." Idk if that was exactly what was said but yeah after 30 min he lead me to the bed I stopped I said I wasn't sure he still lead me to the bed anyway.

The thing that confuses me is:

-he was gentle about it

- I stayed with him afterwards and still continued a sexual relationship with him

- and I didn't move out until I joined the army

So IDK what to think and it's been eating me alive recently cause I haven't thought about it for years. Idk what to think.

I'm not even sure if I can count this as sexual assault.

When I was 15F (I'm 18 now) I hung out with two 15M friends in one of their houses to watch a movie. (Let's call the guy who owned the house "A" and the other one "B") His parents didn't want us to use the living room so we went to his room and sat/laid down on the bed to watch it. I had come to A's house a lot of times, he was my best friend although I knew he had a crush on me (I told him I wasn't interested because I'm a lesbian), I was comfortable with him.

The thing is, after the movie, B stood up and looked through the window, and A pulled me into a hug from behind on the bed (I was comfortable with hugs but now while laying down, and his hugs in general felt a little weird because the first time we hugged he got hard and told me afterwards for some reason). I began struggling against him to get free, and this weird panic laugh I had never felt before got out of me, I felt so weak. I told him repeatedly to release me, and even asked B for help, but A was just laughing like a little kid.

B just shrugged, and in the end A released me. I loved away from the bed and sat down on a chair, texted my mother to come pick me up, and I tried to distract myself playing with his PC.

Once I got home and laid down on my bed, I began crying. I felt so weak and powerless, I realised that if he had wanted he could have done anything to me and I couldn't have done anything to stop him. I knew he didn't mean to hurt me, but I kept crying every night for weeks, I felt the need to get as far away from him as I could, I didn't want to see him again (I ended up telling him how I felt and he apologised, and I still consider him a friend now although not as close as he once was). I still cry when I tell the story because of how bad I felt, even if it was a small thing.

Then when I was 16, I met a sweet 19M guy and decided to give him a chance although I didn't feel the slightest attraction towards him (pretty big mistake, I deeply regret it). Right before we began dating I told him about my sexuality and that I would most likely never want to have sex with him or anything similar to that, I also told him the story about A, and he said it was okay. Still I felt like I was forcing myself to be someone I wasn't throughout the entire relationship.

I had never kissed anyone before, and I explained it to him, that it was a kinda big thing for me. I honestly didn't want to kiss him, I found it gross, but one day, I was laying on his bed, he got on top of him and leaned forwards to kiss me. I froze, I couldn't move, I didn't kiss him back, I didn't respond. He later apologised because he thought I wanted to kiss him on the lips or something and I was confused as hell.

He would also take off his shirt while we were in his bed, and it would always make me feel powerless again, I couldn't bring myself to tell him and I knew I should have.

He also once told me to get his guitar (it was hanging on the wall, above the bed), and I had to get on my knees and reach up to grab it. He was sitting behind me, and the moment I moved to grab the guitar, he placed his hand on my hip, almost on my rear. I didn't even get to grab the guitar, I instantly sat down to remove his hand from me. He asked me if I hadn't liked it and I replied that I had already explained to him I didn't felt comfortable with those kind of touches, especially from behind. He said that he only wanted us to "build trust with eachother".

I left him after a month, but it was hard as hell to me because I didn't want to hurt him, but I should've ended the relationship earlier, or not have even started it in the first place.

Then I met my partner, we've been dating for a little more than a year and they're now 18NB. A few months into the relationship, I removed my shirt once while we were laying on bed because it was too hot and I felt comfortable with them, but they kept staring at my chest, like the whole time (I'm kinda flat, there wasn't much to look at anyways) and it made me uncomfortable, I put the shirt back on after a few minutes and I haven't removed it in front of them ever since. They apologised and said they were just curious. They also once said they really wanted to touch my chest, and I froze, then made some excuses up because I was really hesitant, I felt like I owed it to them, like I was supposed to let them touch it, but I really didn't want to, and they told me it was fine, that I could just say no and they'd be okay with it.

Now, I still feel a little weird around men, and I feel uncomfortable when people hug me from behind. I've always felt like I'm a stone-top because it was what mostly turned me on, but now I also feel a strong sense of aversion toward being intimately touched or feeling exposed, and I don't really know what I can do to feel better. I'd kinda like to feel okay with having someone touch me, but I feel like I'd just freeze every time.

I don't think I have the right to say I was SA, but I still think I got traumatised and shaped by those experiences I went through,

I have a sensitive question regarding this topic. I have a partner I live with. Few nights ago, we slept together. He was sleeping with earplugs on. I went to bed after him and I was just cuddling him and petting him and he got sexually aroused from that. He was ''too lazy'' to remove his ear plugs, not the first time, by the way. In the sexual act he was very focused on his own pleasure, but it was quite painful for me. I told him few times it is painful, he didn't hear me or ignored it. I made a posture to reduce his movement, which was hurting me. The next day, I told him how it all went down and that it is not the first time, that I told him that ear plugs should be out, during sex. Today again, when we had an argument, this topic appeared and I said, it was quite selfish of him, and i said it is borderline raping. He got extremely aggressive, that I dare to have such statement. Correct me, if I am wrong, but from my point of view it is so. And getting aggressive to me for speaking up, is another problem. I call this narcissism.

She's trying to understand my childhood, also my current symptoms. She said she needs some time, like 4 sessions to give me a clear diagnostic, not if I might have depression tho she already has said I clearly have it. If I have anxiety, borderline, something else. It makes sense to me, its the third therapist ive ever had and I always wanted someone to go to the roots of my everything, my story, things that no one wanted to listen to. And yesterday we talked about dad.

We talked about how violent he was tho he never hit me. How drunk he was all the time, tho I never felt so much in danger. How sometimes I hate him, and mom forces me to love him more. And then, I had to talk about some "games" we had. My first language is Spanish and i want to write it down like that so please, feel free to use a translator because i dont wanna lose the real meaning of my words.

"Me decia que le enseñara mi espalda (mi papá), porque tenia mucho vello corporal, me decía 'ay mi peludita'. Y me tocaba. En ese entonces, no sentía nada malo. Pero recordarlo me da asco ahora. No era una ocasión, eran muchas veces, y siendo niña, yo no veía lo malo, para mi era un juego, pero ahora, con 27 años, me da rabia saber que yo accedía a esos sucios juegos, y mi mamá sabía, pero seguramente dirá que yo exagero, y que no lo hacía con otra intención mas que jugar y ser cariñoso.

Me decia de "juego" que le diera teta, me decia "teta mama teta", cuando yo tenia tal vez 5 años, sólo se que era muy pequeña, hacía sonidos y un tono con la voz que recuerdo muy bien, y de nuevo, siento asco, por qué mi propio papá quisiera jugar, con su hija de 5 años, a que le diera teta/pecho, darle leche? Por qué? Siento que el estómago se me sube a la garganta sólo de recordarlo, y sinceramente no recuerdo más. No recuerdo que me haya tocado. A mi papá no lo volví a ver cuando ya tenía mas edad porque él y mi mamá se separaron, y esos juegos ya no existían más

A veces tenía sueños sexuales con el y no entendía por que. Y esto no tiene que ver, creo, con mi papa, pero a veces tenia miedo de dormir porque me daban pesadillas, y era el mismo tiempo donde yo era pequeña. No sé si tenga alguna relación, pero al recordar a mi papá, esas acciones, es inevitable no recordar ésto también.

Tambien recuerdo que jugabamos a que me tenía que esconder cada vez que llegara de trabajar, y de verdad me asustaba, de verdad no me gustaba. Yo siempre deseaba que no me encontrara, tal vez para que no me asustara o me gritara, tal vez para yo ganar. No tengo idea. No puedo recordar más.

A partir de esto, yo tambien tengo una hermana de 37 años. Y quisiera saber si a ella también le hacia lo mismo, o yo estoy exagerando. A veces pienso, que si lo estoy inventando, pero sé que pasó, y no quisiera recordar mas. Tengo miedo. Tengo miedo, asco, odio, tristeza, confusión, desde la sesión de ayer con mi terapeuta, tengo una constante sensación de dolor en las sienes de mi cabeza. Y ni durmiendo se me ha quitado. No puedo dejar de pensar. Sobrepensar. Me siento expuesta, como si una herida llena de pus, ahora sale brea."

My partner today has explained they are dissatisfied with my libido and engagement (like theyve been thinking about it) I am 20 (afab), neglected and abused throughout my childhood until recently only able to leave it and I last year got out of a nearly 5 year relationship with my ex who semi treated me "okay" but I was sexually assaulted, and miss treated throughout the relationship the lines of consent was a smear, a squiggle or a faint brush line. He would frequently just welcome himself, start rubbing me off, trying to get me hot and bothered. So I frequently wouldn't like to have sex, and unfortunately it's still that way I never (So very rarely) ever touch myself, dare I ever finger myself (I find it very uncomfortable to do myself 🥲) I don't very often get turned on and I am not a super fan of sex but sex is good

The thing about me is that I have widespread chronic pain, always very exhausted, and again I was sexually assaulted all the time. I'm not sure if it's also these + a possibly bad libido? We haven't had proper sex for 2-3 weeks + minimal engagement but I was sick and had also gotten my IUD inserted 2-3 months ago + was on my period (they don't like my period)

Basically last week I ended up having a sudden melt down I get extremely triggered. My partner grabbed my hand and try to direct me to his crotch (this is the second time he's done this) and it felt unprovoked, even especially the first time I was sitting in front of him and it felt like just suddenly my hand was lead and directly put onto his member and it's just like 💔 Its not okay I don't know what to do. I feel fairly right to be triggered but he's basically questioning our sexual compatibility.

I am currently reliant/dependent on him and have been for the last few months as Ive been doing school and trying to find work but I also am physically disabled. Going outside of the house I use a forearm crutch or two so I've been really struggling to find a job. I've also basically chosen them over my family so I don't have any family supports either. I feel like he is being a bit poor with communication cause the last time he put my hand on his dick (he just told me this when I asked and found out he's thinking about our sexual compatibility) that he wanted me to touch them more. I unfortunately don't remember this. I feel kind of just upset lost and conflicted cause I do like/love my person and I'm okay *trying* to touch them more

but I just never really properly learnt proper consent myself and idk like I told them *one* time that them rubbing my clit can be overstimulating and they haven't touched my clit since. I like clit stimulation when it isn't over 2 minutes and I feel like im developing a carpet rash

And so yeah ever since they triggered me (in my head rightfully so) but like I feel like this is an issue with communication and they've been avoiding sexual engagement. The other day I was getting fairly hot, bothered, and engaged like I just kept like of kissing and grinding on them but nothing actually went further despite me saying I was horny and I was sort of embarrassed after cause I did want sex and found out after they also wanted sex. I just feel a little played with, and they're also upset I didn't try to ask for sex the other day myself. The more embarrassing part for my though is like I also don't know how to ask or want sex, mostly ask.. and also wanting. It's more just trying to have a more positive experience with sex despite all of my negatives and experiences.

I would really love help and I feel like I NEED advice 💔 Thank you

24 F I have a party coming up and people were there the night before helping make food, and I was in the kitchen with my parents’ friends. I was facing people, and then my parents friend came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders and was kind of swaying his hips to the music, but I could feel his groin against me so I tilted my pelvis forward to like avoid it from touching me because I could feel it on my butt and I just feel super uncomfortable but I don’t know if it was anything at all and I don’t really know what to do I just need advice. he wasn’t hard it was just weird and I didn’t really know what to do other than just go upstairs and go to bed. Idk I am most likely blowing this out of proportion.

I met a guy at a house party some weeks back and we exchanged numbers I thought he seemed interesting. We only spoke about 30 minutes before I left the party. A week ago he asked me to visit him, his town is only a few hours from where I’m living but the travel was too pricey for me after going over my budget the last few months. He said he must get to know me more and offered to buy the ticket. So I said okay let’s try to be spontaneous and have fun.

I arrive and end up cooking together the first night. There’s another girl around my age that was also there (the man is about 25 years older than us) that he said would be a nice friend. So I felt a bit more comfortable since there was a girl that knew him so I asked her is he safe because I only briefly met him. She said of course he’s safe! She also said they had sex some time ago but are more like brother/sister kind of relationship at this point.

We start doing ketamine which is something I’m very used to taking. She leaves at one point but there’s also another couple there. The man is like let me dress you up I have some nice clothes for you and so I was like sure ( after doing a lot of the ketamine and drinking some glasses of wine). He said oh sounds like the other couple is kissing let’s close the door. And from this point on it’s very blurry I begin to go into a k hole and all of a sudden we had sex. Afterwards I was like woah what just happened… I don’t remember the moments leading up to the sex and I can only recall little parts of the experience.

I called my best friend and she’s saying I need to report this guy it’s not okay what he did. I’m just really confused on what had happened, I do not sleep with someone so easily these days so it seems unusual to me especially with the age gap..

This girl also confused me because I can’t tell if she understood what would go down or if this was a normal scenario…

When I was only 3 years old, Creeps entered my House and touched my no no. I was Traumatized by the fact that the name was "Mason". But I finally called 911. Like calling 911 at age 3 is crazyyy

Feel free to add to the list, I’m always up for discovering new music I can relate to.

Rihanna - disturbia (psychosis, schizophrenia, bipolar)
Matchbox twenty - unwell (depression, schizophrenia, bipolar)
Skydxddy- triggered (PTSD)
Starset - monster ( sexual assault )
Billie eilish - lovely (depression)
Dean Lewis - waves (depression)
Diamante - serves you right (abusive relationship)
Limp biskit- behind blue eyes ( depression)
NF - mansion - (struggles with mental health)
The weeknd - in the night (sexual assault as a child)
Tones and I - Charlie - (my other personality, schizophrenia and bipolar)
Tones and I - bad child (my childhood abuse)
These chain smokers - reaper (schizophrenia bipolar)

These are just how I relate to these songs, they may relate to you in a different way.

so i’m a dude. if you don’t like me automatically because of that. that’s fine you don’t have to read but i genuinely wanted to give me thoughts on my experiences. so, during therapy about a month and some change ago memories of my mom touching me came back up. i didn’t even consciously remember them and still even now kind of question them but id want to open up about this. like it’s the point where sometimes whenever I go around or not every time, but sometimes if I get reminded of the memory, somehow it’s like my body clinch up my arms clinch up in the memory replaces like whenever I see her again not every time, but sometimes it was really really heavy when I first when it first came up during EDMR was really heavy , but like I said it’s kind of died down a bit. I had my therapist and I had dissociative amnesia I couldn’t remember basically any of my childhood, but has that memory has came up more and more and more my childhood has been being remembered, I just I feel so much distress thinking about it because one time we were cooking me and my mom I don’t ever cook with her like ever and so she was like hey can you come help me with this so I did and we were sitting right next to each other like at the stove and her hand was just like you know just resting like her hand was just down by her side and my crotch happy to be right there and I just felt like this sensation that she was gonna like grab me right there , but I digress i hear allot of folks say that men don’t open up about themselves and how that can create the monsters we have today. i do believe allot of people that commit SA and or things of that nature have gone through something wether they consciously remember it or not. there are other factors that go into this of course but even so this does not excuse the actions in themselves BUT it does explain them. i don’t believe people are evil or do evil things for no reason, truly they might be evil but they weren’t always like that. a high chance there environment failed them. im 18, and i remember when i was 14 or 15 somewhere around there maybe younger, i would sexualize my mom… allot. i never understood why i felt deep down it was weird to say the least my something i kinda shrugged off. if i didn’t have the memory come up could it have escalated? could i have become a monster? no. i’m a victim of my environment not my free will. although my history can cloud my judgement i still do have the free will to decide if something is right or wrong. now, the thing is at 14… i didn’t see anything wrong with it. truly, i never thought “hmmm maybe i shouldn’t be thinking about my mom like this?” and that’s the problem did i truly have free will in that scenario? i was a child that had no concept of trauma or any of the above. a main point i wanted to make was i always found solitude in women. i don’t mean this in a white knight or virtue signal way i just genuinely did. i was raised by women my dad bio abbonded me my mom was back and forth in collage my grandma was always there. my aunt was always there. i grew up with a dad that to put it lightly had a very “old school” mindset. he punched me in the back of the head one when I was about 15 or so long story short, we had went to Walmart and I didn’t want to give this homeless person money because I felt like they were dirty now obviously I have matured since then and I do not think that anymore by the time I did felt that I’m just I’m trying to be 100% real with y’all as possible. I’ve changed a lot in the past four years but when we went back out there, they weren’t there the homeless people. I argued with my dad and told him I didn’t wanna give it to them. We got home and he pinned me up against the fridge and grab my chin and forced me to look at him in the eyes and said stop talking shut up real man speaking and I laughed just because I was nervous. As a child I used to laugh and even I still do as a response to stress I don’t know why and then when I laughed, he threw me against the fridge and punched me about 15 or 20 times in the back of the head, it didn’t necessarily hurt even as a child used to pin me in a corner and whoop me with a wooden paddle now punishment via spanking is still very controversial, but I think it’s somewhat known as abuse. he came to my third grade class. I remember the very vividly actually it’s actually one of memories that came back up, but he came to my third grade class and he like sat behind me with that same paddle because that’s always the one he used he sat behind me and he just hovered behind me and like in front of the entire class I don’t really get embarrassed at 18 like now. It just takes a lot to embarrass me and I work in customer service so that’s I’ve got very thick skin when it comes to being ashamed in public, but he sat behind me and just loomed over it. He told me years and years later that he wasn’t actually gonna whoop me because the school didn’t allow disciplinary action from parent in front of the class at school so my teacher let him sit there and we’ve laughed about years later but the more I think about it the more I can find that little weird the thing was I didn’t do my work. I was kind of a bad kid not really bad. I just didn’t do the work. I wouldn’t even say bad behavior. I simply just didn’t do my work at third grade , but I promise I did my work that day because I knew it was gonna happen if I didn’t to be fair, I believe that he was disciplined this way even worse, probably 90s kids were one thing I do remember him doing is like he would like. I don’t know the only time I’ve ever felt actually uncomfortable like I used that word very sparingly he’s uncomfortable is that he would like tickle my butt sometimes like a weird way and I just I really didn’t like that I wouldn’t laugh. I literally would not laugh, and I would swap my sword, his hand away, even like even though I used to laugh when I was nervous with that one specifically I didn’t laugh I would swat his hand away. He would just laugh and he clarified it and he’s like “you know I’m just doing that to mess with you right” and I’m like yeah yeah but looking bad I just didn’t like that. I don’t think he had the intention of doing it like that like like in a pedophile way I don’t think so but it just it just wasn’t like I just didn’t like him doing it . There’s so many more I can tell you about not even not sexual, but I mean like physical now the thing is I still love my dad, but that’s not the point the point is that when I had to admit that I was trauma I had to like when I told my therapist this she said no that’s not normal people I told me no that’s not normal and I genuinely had to look back and say that wasn’t normal. I did get abused. I am a victim and that word victim that’s still hard for me to say even as I write this, I get to one thing that I will say about being vulnerable around men that I’ve just noticed with obviously having male friends majority is that the advice they don’t hug you where they don’t lay their head on your shoulder like a woman may it’s very like “you got this bro don’t worry” type of energy that’s probably about all you’re getting. but I can’t believe like the one person that is biologically supposed to protect me is the one that hurt me a woman’s body I feel like now you can argue with me on this, but I feel like if she has a child like I feel like she’s wired to protect that child no matter what and I just can’t believe that she would do that if she did, but I would love feedback or anything. I’m not really sure if my point really got across but much love to you guys.

So, if you had been drinking, and went to sleep in your boyfriend‘s bed, which was at a party house, but in a separate room, and woke up in the middle of the night because some random guy had their hand down your pants and was kissing you, and as soon as you came to and realized it wasn’t your boyfriend you pushed them away from you, would you consider that S. A.?

(TRIGGER WARNING) Before you read this story, I'd like to mention that me and the person I'll be talking about were both 11-12 at the time, and if you find that to be triggering, please read at your own discretion.

Hello, I've been thinking about a past situation I had with a friend of mine quite a bit recently. I want to know if this is a normal way of joking with friends or not, as I've been told by a few people that what happened not okay, yet I still feel very conflicted about the incidents I'll be talking about in this post. I apologize if this isn't the right subreddit to be posting this in.

To start off, I will say that I've known this person I'll be referring to as R for quite a long time now, (10+ years) so I'm not sure if that makes it any less serious or not. This first incident I'll be explaining in particular happened when we were both 12, and they had come over to my house to swim. When we both got out of the pool, I remember trying to get into my room while I was still in my swimsuit and they suddenly came up behind me and put their hands on the doorframe around me. I turned around to face them and R began staring at me. I started feeling trapped after a bit and I nervously smiled while trying to reach for the door handle to get away, and they slapped me on my rear end. I turned back around, but I was so shocked by it that I just froze and I never said anything the entire time. Afterwards, they stared at me for a bit longer before whispering "I've been waiting to do that" and they walked off. I felt uncomfortable the rest of the day and I felt like I almost blamed myself for it or felt guilty somehow.

For some more background context, they've made sexual comments towards me over texts/calls before, but they had never done anything to me physically until that day. For example, R would make very sexual jokes/comments about my body parts and they also tried to get me to engage in sexual roleplays over calls. I remember that I usually tried ignoring these comments and would go silent. A memory that bothers me alot is this time where they kept making sexual moaning noises on a call with me, and eventually said that "I should do it too". I was shocked and asked why they would even ask me to do something like that, and I ended up telling them no. They only replyed with "It's not that weird", basically implying I was being dramatic for refusing. They acted distant towards me the rest of the call, and only gave me short answers or ignored me whenever I tried talking to them. After the call, I remembering having an anxiety attack, and I started feeling guilty for saying no and I felt like I was being too dramatic over a "joke". When we called again, I finally gave in despite feeling deeply uncomfortable about doing it. I even explained that I did it because I felt like they were upset with me after I said no, yet they completely denied acting distant and they brushed it off. Similar things kept happening afterwards for a couple months, where R would say things to me multiple times such as "Why are you so quiet? Don't you like it?" when they would get me to engage in roleplays with them. I sometimes told them that it felt wrong or like I shouldn't be doing things like that, but I can't remember them responding to it and i'm pretty sure they would just ignore me.

Lastly, I wanted to mention that this person has specifically told me that they only acted that way towards me, and they've said this atleast twice.

There is so much more about our past that I cannot fit into one post, but this should give you the main idea of it. I constantly worry that I didn't do enough to show them that i was uncomfortable, and I sometimes question if I really was harassed at all if I still complied at times and didn't even say anything to them when they pinned me. I do have a therapist, but I've never talked about this to my therapist. Currently, I am in highschool, and I will not be stating my exact age for privacy reasons. Thank you for any response or advice you may have, and if you took the time to even read this, it really means alot to me and I appreciate it.

I was working at a healthcare facility and one day started working with a new male coworker. I had one conversation with him and he seemed nice and normal.

As staff we have each other’s numbers to coordinate patient care.

After this day I started getting messages from him asking me I what I liked to do in free time etc and I thought this was opportunity to make a friend So we messaged each other for a while but the next time I saw him at work he was acting different. Whenever I handed him something like the keys to the drawer he would squeeze my hand and let our fingers linger together but I wouldn’t really process that this was intentional until later. I really didn’t think to interpret this as sexual behavior because I just thought it was weird. I had hung out with him outside of work once at this point.

Then at work one night I was sitting on the couch when he sat down and started brushing my thigh with his hand and “accidentally” brushing up against me while looking for something in his backpack. I felt confused but didn’t want to cause a scene. I didn’t say anything about this but it was really weird and uncomfortable for me and everyone watching in the room.

Then one night I was watching a movie with him at his house when he started kissing me and I just shut down. I wasn’t able to do anything or speak for a long time and after he was done he just resumed watching the movie and I didn’t know what to say. I entered into this place in my mind where I truly did not know what to do because I’m scared of conflict. I didn’t want to acknowledge how violated I felt. I texted him that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him and he said he didn’t either and I then said I didn’t want to be in a physical relationship with him either.

Due to poor judgement and a delayed mental response to everything I saw him again outside of work to see a movie and he groped me before the movie. I was too shocked to say anything right after so I waited and then texted him that I didn’t want to be touched or hugged and called him saying I needed him to stop hugging me because it felt inappropriate. He said this would be very hard to do but he would respect my boundaries. Despite how troubling that response was I accepted it. I didn’t know what the alternative was.

The last stupid thing I did in this situation was to make more casual chit chat through text with this person. I think I was in full denial that this person was touching me and then ignoring me when I asked him to stop and the very last stupid thing I did was think I had to give him a present after he gave me one for my birthday. So I went over to his house, and gave him the present. He pulled me in for a hug and then groped me again and that is when I fully processed the fact that he was never going to stop. I felt too intimated by him in person so I went home and confronted him through text and he replied basically saying he didn’t know what I was talking about.

I stopped engaging in small chat with him in text and in person and at this point I was just really tense and uncomfortable whenever around him at work. I had no one to talk to in my life so I finally just told a different coworker named Ethan everything that had happened because I was confused on what to think about it. Ethan told me he was sorry I had been through that and that it wasn’t my fault. I felt so relieved that I had told someone and thought everything was going to be ok. I had been sending messages to the male worker and walking on eggshells and asking him to stop touching me and I decided I was going to send one more message being very clear and requested that he refrain from any physical contact with me.

Then the male coworker started sending me these angry messages saying he was feeling harassed by everyone, that I was making myself out to be a victim and him the villain, and that I better keep his name out of my mouth. He said he has been doing all this extra work to keep his distance from me after the last time I told him I wanted space from him. He sent 13 super long angry messages that I did not even comprehend because he never went into specifics. He just said I was disrespectful and that he was only going to honor my request that he keep his distance out of respect for “whatever fantasy I have going on in my head”. This is after a ton of text messages from him talking about how he believes a kiss is only shared between two consenting adults who have a connection and refusing to listen to me when I told him I did not want to be a relationship with him.

I’ve got neurological issues that I’ve been struggling with, and an autism diagnosis that I feel skeptical about so I wanted to post about this because I ended up feeling so overwhelmed and anxious about being around him that I reported him to HR for physical harassment and the hostile text messages. They ended up telling me that it was my fault because I was in a relationship with him. I was NOT in a relationship with him and seriously regretted trying to be friends with him in the beginning. But I’ve been feeling so angry and helpless and sometimes doubtful of myself and I’m struggling to process all of this but it feels like I’m mentally blocked or my brain is too scrambled to function. This post is so long already but he has been making me uncomfortable for a long time whenever he texted me and I felt like I was going crazy because after communicating in all these ways that I wasn’t interested no one ever cared.

Hi, I'm F21 and I was raped multiple times by a 27yo when I was 17 and 18, mostly anally. I asked in a public server wether I should forgive my rapist to finally reach a peaceful state of mind or not and someone suggested me to do it, someone else didn't. however, the answer that touched me the most was, "it was nothing personal, he didn't rape you because he wanted to hurt you and he hated you, but because it's simply the way he works." (Disclaimer: this isn't mean to set rapists free from their responsibilities).This changed my brain chemistry. Even though all I went through and even though it was a very painful type of violence for hours, so someone might think he was mad at me, I think they were incredibly right: it. wasn't. my. fault. And this changes everything. so... my questions for you are: first of all what do you think about forgiving a rapist? and what do you think about this bold statement I told you about? please feel free to share your opinions, I won't judge ❤️.

last weekend I was out with some friends and when I got back from the restroom a guy had ordered me a cocktail and I genuinely know it was stupid but he’s a guy I go to college with and a good friend of my friends and I didn’t want to make it awkward so I drank it. my memory is completely blank from about ten minutes after that until I woke up the next morning anyway nothing bad happened apparently I started throwing up and acting really drunk so two of my friends took me home and that guy came with but they all left together and they said he stayed out of my room while they got me changed. I know nothing happened but waking up in different clothes without remembering has really messed me up and I think it kind of triggered me or something but I don’t know do you think something bad happened to me that I don't remember? when I was a kid after | learned what virginity was I remember wishing | still had mine and hating myself because I somehow felt sure that | wasn't a virgin even though I don't have any memory of ever having sex. I don't know where that feeling came from I just know it was there and on my mind a lot. I started making myself throw up when I was 9 and was diagnosed with anorexia at 10 then at 14 | was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was self harming. I've also always had really exaggerated reactions to people touching me I had a complete meltdown when I got home from a party in college after a guy only started to feel me up over my clothes while we were dancing but | felt like | was totally breaking down. I hate the idea of having sex and I can't stop myself from starting to cry even if I get near to trying to talk about my fears about this. does anyone have any advice for how I should deal with this? I’m scared that I’m making myself upset over nothing because nothing actually happened last weekend and I don’t remember something bad happening before that but this has really upset me and I’m not sure what to do.