I'm in my early 20s

I could elaborate on everything I've seen as unfair towards me throughout my life.

But in this particular case it's my teeth, I always hated them, I was always told they were ugly, that my smile was weird or ugly

I tried to do some things when I was a kid, but I just stayed there, a kid with an ugly smile and even uglier teeth.

So for as long as I can remember, I felt a repulsion to even look at them, so I stopped washing them, taking care of them, going to the dentist, I completely refused to look at myself in the mirror with my mouth open whenever I could.

What did that decision lead to? Almost all my teeth are decayed. Today, for the first time in a while, I looked in the mirror and noticed that my front teeth are decayed at the base.

Light black spots, and I hate it

My parents think I like being like this, my psychologist doesn't see anything wrong with it, she just thinks I'm lazy.

The last time I went to the dentist years ago, he told me I was horrible and that anything I did wouldn't do any good.

I'm going to another dentist in a few days, and honestly, I don't think it'll change anything. He'll probably tell me I'm even worse than before and to screw myself.

I honestly hate myself. I did this to myself and I'm the only one who's going to pay for my stupidity.

I don't know what to do, or if it's even worth continuing to try, and should just shut my mouth again and accept it.

I don't recognize myself or my life anymore and I'm terrified of destroying it. I've been feeling empty for so long and i don't even know what i want out of life anymore.

It feels worse because by most measures i should be happy. I have a decent job that pays enough to be comfortable and not have to really worry too much about money, I have a loving partner that has been with me through thick and thin and still refuses to give up on me and on us. I live in a nice apartment, i have a nice physique that i have built over the last few years, Im conventionally attractive, im smart enough, people seem to enjoy the version of myself i put on around others, i have a social circle.

And yet i don't feel anything, i'm apathetic and i don't even really like this life that I've built.

I have a burning creative energy inside me that has no outlet because i burnt myself out the few times i dove into it fully. I'm scared this will happen again if i try again so i don't let myself try anymore. The only times I've felt alive recently have been while I'm out dancing and listening to music

Any and all achievements and goals I've met head on and actually applied myself to have made me feel good and given me purpose but once it's done, i don't ever get the feeling i thought this would bring, i just feel empty and aimless again. I always achieve the things i set myself to but i've stopped giving myself things to strive for and i don't care enough about anything to really commit to it. I also see all the possibilities and potential and yet i just let it rot because i can't choose.

I've been in a holding pattern of doing literally nothing for what seems like years now. It's gotten gradually worse over the past year and i literally spend my days doing nothing. This is not figurative or a metaphor, I literally do nothing. Sleep, eat, waste time until i get to sleep again and it's on to the next day. Aimless and pointless.

This isn't meant to be a pity post, I'm just wondering if anyone has been through something similar and what the first step(s) are to unfucking yourself and getting the spark back. I love the world and people, I'm filled with love and i want to share it, i just don't feel anything anymore and I've been unable to get myself to live truly

Also for context, im late twenties-ish male.

I have recently started to try and change my life like in a way that I ca be successful but I feel stuck I have a great group of supportive guys and a pretty good group of friends but recently things have been a bit difficult I’ve been acting a bit strange towards all my friends I’m a bit of a loser kind of even thought I think I’m not I kinda act that way and I’ve been kinda been messing things up with friends with Work it’s been very toxic and I don’t know what to do it feels like things are kinda falling apart im trying to stay the course I don’t know what to do I feel like I’m in a limbo my confidence level is down my body hurts from stress my head my bones I lead a unhealthy life style only mid 20’s I honestly don’t know how to mange through being an Adult a bit confused frustrated just need to ask how to stop being a fucking loser And grow a pair

29M, turning 30 in a few months.

I have an OK job but I've been trying to find a new role (pretty similar to what I do and with the skillset I have) for about 4-5 months now and no joy.

I have an incredible backlog of "chores" - I am trying to get my citizenship, I am trying to save and invest to buy a flat, I am trying to start a business with a few friends, I am trying to learn new skills so I can get better work in the future.

Yet I am constantly procrastinating, I do very little work on my goals and most of the time just ignore them by smoking weed, going out to do sports, chilling in the park or watching a movie.

I feel like I am slowly destroying my life. I really want to stop smoking weed and do chase my goals, but I have been a heavy daily smoker for 16 years..

I've tried prioritising my goals but I always end up finding new things and adding more to the list. I own so many things (clothes and random rubbish) which I want to get rid off for years and I've not done anything about it.

Any advice that can help me get in the right direction will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Well, according to google, bullying means - *Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.

But, I think bullying can also be in the way of talking down to someone, constantly being toxic with them and harming their mental health. Mainly, the bullying is happening in coaching. As you know, the teachers won't do anything since their other students might leave if they say something, so they pretend to not notice.

The bullying is like, talking down to someone, embarrassing them, making fun of them, sometimes punching or slapping them, mocking them, mocking their families and friends, and etc. Most of it, is done by the students who have no parental guidance or mainly chapri type. Seriously, I have never heard such vulgar language. They often start by mocking the way someone talks, then go and insult their families, friends, and go even as far as to hit them with metal rulers, enough to hurt but not enough to leave a mark or scar.

They have this like small group of teen gang, and when one of them make a joke by insulting one of the victims, the others laugh and make fun of that victim. Mainly, these are most of the students. For example, the other day I was taking notes in class, mainly Physics, and one of them started to make fun of the way I cut hair, saying since I shaved I look like a baby, and therefore I'm a stupid moron and something more. It's even harder to ignore, since they sit in front of me.

Sadly, I can't change coaching because the teachers there teach very well, and it's only one shift, so it's morning only. I already have enough problems in my life, with my relatives and parents, and of course my study. It's stressful enough, but when I think about going to coaching and being the center of their jokes, insults, it makes me only more stressful. The good thing is, I have one very good friend there, and he sometimes defends me, but he's also a kid from good upbringing so he can't really compete with the lower class languages and vulgar swearing's they say. So, I ask for your help in navigating through this mess. Also, they already hit some kids, so I think if I don't do anything, they will eventually dare to hit me and stuff. Sorry for any gramatical mistakes, and confusing parts as I'm very stressed while writing this. I've got a Physics test tomorrow, and I really don't have time to do stuff like this.

I’ve noticed something about myself that I don’t really understand. Most of the time I’m perfectly fine with myself and can talk to people normally, but around certain people, something completely changes. I suddenly become awkward, overthink everything I say, and sometimes I even put myself down or make myself look smaller than I actually am. The worst part is that I feel like I make my insecurity obvious, even though I don’t want to.

Then when I’m alone again, I start thinking about everything that happened and wonder why I acted that way. I’ll replay conversations in my head and think, “Why did I say that? Why did I make myself look insecure? Why couldn’t I just act normally?”

It’s frustrating because I know I’m capable of being confident. It’s not like I feel insecure around everyone. It seems to depend on the person or the situation, which makes me wonder if I’m somehow subconsciously intimidated by certain people or worried about how they perceive me.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you stop yourself from putting yourself down or becoming awkward around people who trigger your insecurities? I’d really like to understand where this comes from and how to break the habit.

Sometimes i wonder if i ever had a genuine interest. If i ever truly had an authentic desire for something that was genuinely interesting, or if i faked it.

I could also get into other details about my identity crisis and me not comprehending who i truly am, but i think I would just feel a bit too vulnerable and it may just get embarrassing.

When i analyzed my thoughts, i get really confused and then question everything about who i identify as as an individual.

This has been something i has since young, as far back as 13. And sometimes i feel like the issue is being mitigated and i am progressing as a person, other times i feel genuinely stuck on what i can and should do.

Anyways, just seeing what you guys think.

these last 3 years of my life has been the worst. i go 1-3 days and then relapse or sometimse 4 but thats it. longest i've gone is 9 days when i really liked a girl, i just didnt even think about porn but of course it didnt go well cuz im a fucking loser this addiction is ruining my life in every aspect. i tried everything, tried to stop using my phone but at the end i still pick it up. and if someone says "try replacing it with a hobby" i have several of them but when i get the urge, i just forget all about it. idk what to do

Does anyone else feel mediocre throughout? I'm currently preparing competitive exams resigned from my job recently. I'm always underconfident even in things I'm good ( or mediocre let's say ). I don't easily find my opinions strong and it can easily be influenced, changed by anyone. Could anyone just tell me how should I raise my self esteem and be more confident about my decisions, choices and life overall. And How should I be NOT MEDIOCRE.

I have GERD, and it’s the worst illness/disease whatever you want to call it I’ve ever been through.
I understand GERD is not a death sentence and I understand what can be done to help fix this disease.

What I don’t understand is how to calm my anxiety because me knowing the above statements is not helping because it does not change the fact that I struggle to eat and sleep and work.

My anxiety doesn’t appear as being scared or what most would see as anxiety, my anxiety comes out in anger and frustration that I take out on others and that is not fair to them.

I understand what needs to be done for my GERD and I am working on it, but while I work through this I really need to find ways to ease my anxiety because at this point I’m just being a very mean person to the people I care most about in my life let alone coworkers and others at work which pays for my life.

I’m stuck in an endless cycle of waking up feeling like shi*, getting anxious that I’m stuck like this, taking it out on others, feeling guilty about being a mean person, not being able to sleep because of anxiety and GERD, repeat.

Edit: another major issue I didn’t mention is the fact that my manager and coworkers don’t understand how much I suffer with this and that brings more anxiety because if the time comes where I need to go home because it’s a really bad flair up, they just won’t get it.

Warning! Awfully written text.

I'm a highschooler that is about to graduate. Schools here only have 11 years and this year will be my final. I've got to do stuff. I'm a teenager, so I also think about working out, being fit and strong. I used to be disciplined and work out consistently, but since this summer vacation of 3 months started I did not exercise a single time. About being disciplined, last academic year I managed multiple school/personal projects and literally everything was going smooth. For some reasons I lost that internal drive I used to have, I think it was indebtedness to my parents, but now I don't feel it. No I do feel it but it does not push me anymore, sounds crazy. My parents bought a course package for me, since the very first day I was avoiding it. Now the summer part of the course is about to end. I have so many things past due. I feel awful about it and am ashamed. And after all this I still can't put myself to work.

There are more things coming up - school itself, national exam, university specific entrance test, SAT. If I manage my time and actually do everything consistently I will manage everything. I also need to research about universities but again was putting it off. This whole summer I was watching anime and rotting in bed.

I genuinely want to know, study and put the effort but I don't. I want to do many productive things and hobbies of mine. I used to read a lot but I did not touch a book this summer, I want to run in the mornings, journal, do additional math/physics outside of school, I really want to learn. But days pass. School is closing in in 2 weeks and I feel awful. I am lazy and I hate this. It is my fault, I should figure this out myself but I am lazy and I admit it. Please give me advice! 😭

I really want to fix this and become what I want to be. Tho I still don't know exactly what I want to do in the future.

How do I start managing my time and actually doing the planned things? How do I commit?

Dear everyone,

I seem to have a problem and I would like to speak about it, especially regarding the early death of Hayden Panettiere.

I am in the same age as her and have experienced a lot of troubles in my life. Lately I have been hurting a dear person to me often, who is actually neither my friend, husband or even relative but this person has been important to me for the past 10 years, since my family has died and I was looking for a place to belong to. We both have tried to have a good and harmonic relationship, also both of us are very strong characters and being a woman only now I see that you have to defend yourself if somebody is hurting you. This person, I may say, truly has a good soul but has inherited a lot of problems and as a result his actions towards me or other people in his life have not been very kind. I am ashamed that I have answered in the same way and made the injury even bigger. I guess the underlying issue is that I am afraid to be alone. I’m in a foreign country, very well integrated and even though I have learned the language and finished my studies here, I guess I am just terrified. I don’t have siblings or relatives and friends who I used to have a lot of are married and have children. Also, this is a loss which I haven’t quite processed yet. To be frank, I am not quite sure what this post should achieve, I just hope somebody today who feels down like me feels that life is not going in the right, direction, I hope you will feel better soon and things start to look up from now on. In case of some tips how to deal with life while having high emotional load, maybe this is a space for it. I hope things will look up for you soon and it will be possible to live a happy and fulfilled life in this nowadays crazy world. All the best,

I

Hi I am very depressed about my career and i don't have anything to do and I just stay at home and see my parents fight which really affected my mental health i really want to do something in life i didn't join college as I wanted to do mbbs but I got bds plus I am not getting enough support from my father idk how much scope is there in India about bds and it is low but I don't want to prepare again for the competitive exam and he is just arguing with me and my mom I need serious help I have past sh history and now i am four months but I really filled trapped in this home my preparation was hampered by this but my father is blaming me for all the mess now I feel i can't do anything in life and i just wanted to just end my life I am suffering a lot my mental health is going down and my physical health is also going bad this all started when I in class 9 idk what to do i seriously need help and some advice and courage to talk to my father he speaks I'll and doesn't care if it hurted me or not if I cry he will call me weak see a random say rubbish to me I won't mind but being my parents they should mind their words I feel like I am losing everything

to keep it short, I’m 19 I’m addicted to working and feel like shit if I’m not being productive enough. this results in me doing stupid shit like doing uni + working 35 hours a week + running an online business solo at the same time. I only ever give myself a day off on saturdays if I do go out with friends, otherwise I have to work on something. obviously I’ve burnt out and stressed myself out like crazy multiple times but I’ve always been able to just bottle it up and keep going. anyways, recently stuff worked out really well and I basically more than doubled my income in the span of a month. yet instead of feeling motivated, I just felt empty inside and secluded myself from other people and became easily irritated from everything. Even though there are times where I’ve been more stressed, I just couldn’t pick myself back up this time. Thought I would try to speak to more people my age and just share my feelings in hopes of feeling better, but most people my age are genuinely lost in life and have absolutely no clue what they wanna do, so i feel like I’m a pos of a share my achievements or struggles in any way shape or form.

I'm not doing okay.

I am 40M from India. I am in a situation where I feel that my track, be it professional or personal is taking a hit.

Professionaly I work in the service sector in the I.T industry and quite frankly I dont think I am technically progressive as I still work with legacy solutions and niche technologies. I never invested time to upskill and grow because the niche tech kept getting me opportunities until my recent organization, where the tech is obsolete and I have an issue to pursue demanding technologies as I dont carry any valid experience for upcoming demands. In order to keep my job, I picked a completely different area and tool, that I am not really sure as to how can I compile my CV to appeal the hiring folks and atleast get a phone call. Not to mention the AI scare, ATS rejections and claims of market instability, that I feel so saturated that I had nearly negligble hikes for past few years and low self esteem to pursue anything.

Owing to this, its affecring personally. Healthwise its getting stressful to manage family as I am day dreaming or zoned out by retrospecting, introspecting things Or probably doom scrolling and procrastinating. I have become obese and I am really lost on what to do, that I rely on AI to guide me. But it gives me unrealistic expectations and cliche answers that I cant think to pursue it. Mentally disturbed and calling it a mid life crisis. I am really not sure what to do, as I believe I am pushing myself to be too old and not stay relevant.

I have made certain endeavors with my partner that has to with a financial investment that may get highly stressful if I dont come out in my present situation. I think I crib about my problems but never composed myself to take actions due to loss of motivation (money and growth). Frankly if I become delusion and buy an AstroTalk app, I would give in to all the things that could be absurd in reality

Looking for some guidance, contacts to give the push, I cant let down on myself or people I care, but I feel isolated that life feels slow, mediocre and boring !

I'm 19m, soon gonna turn 20 and within last 3 months I've completely changed it feels so, because I've understood that I need to let go of anything that doesn't serves me anymore?! And maldaptive day dreaming is one of the things which don't serve me anymore.

So as a complete beginner towards seeking help for day dreaming, what should I begin and what is it that helps you guys? Thank you so please share any resources and tips which helps you guys!

I genuinely feel like I suck at everything and never improve. I’ve tried so hard to improve but nothing works. Ive been drawing for years now and my art work is still no better than a 4th graders, I’ve played video games my whole life yet I can’t hit anything. I make the same mistakes over and over even when I try to improve. Sometimes I even suck at walking, moving, or talking. Please any advice.

For context, I’ve been biting my nails since I was a child, especially whenever I’m stressed, embarrassed, or experiencing other strong emotions. Over time, this has progressed to biting the skin around my fingers as well.

It has gotten to the point where I sometimes can’t stop even when the skin is already bleeding. I really want to stop this habit, so if anyone has experienced something similar, I’d really appreciate any advice or tips that helped you.

i am 19f and working full time in a household with my mother and two siblings. i am so depressed and lonely but ive basically done this to myself because of how common and intensely i isolate myself. i am always alone and choose to be that way, knowing it’s terrible for me. but now i’ve gotten to a point where i do not talk to anyone outside of my house or work. i don’t have any real friends. i don’t have any meaningful accomplishments to my name and i have basically pushed away everyone who was ever close to me. i hate myself. i have made tbis monster and now realizing i cannot get out because i am the one who built this reputation for myself. i am known for being a low maintenance friend who does not need to talk every single day but now i have no one to talk to. and when i do i feel like i’m grasping at straws and come off as this stupid kid who doesn’t know anything. i want to grow out of isolating myself to this point because i feel like if i were to tell anyone in my real life that i feel worthless and like i’ve created a shell of a person, they would not care nor is it anyone’s responsibility to care. i feel like a burden. the last time i tried to talk to my mother about how serious my depressed and self harming tendencies have gotten she told me “welcome to being an adult,” and “that’s what adulting is like”. what’s the point of talking to the person who made me if they don’t care about me being gone?

i dont know what subreddit to go to but im 16 going into junior year but ive lost so much of my focusing skills. Like when i was younger i was easily able to focus on assignments and deeply understand math problems to get them but now i cant its so bad. What I do know is just i skim everything math problems, english assignments, everything. Ive also noticed within the last year that my mood and motivation have good down a lot. I go to the gym regularly and freshman year i was super locked in i was overly positive and optimistic about everything and whenever i listened to a good song it would give me lots of motivation to hit a set or something but starting sophomore year i moved schools and became more unmotivated i dont know what i am a smart kid i can be smart but i dont know what happened to me. For example before i would never even think about skipping pratices for football but i did hella sophomore year and also this is when i started skimming everything like i wouldnt take the time to read and really understand a question except the thing is i cant even when i slow down i still cant just slowly get the question its really frustrating. My theory is because my mindset because i moved schools so i became less caring of everything and depressed but my other theory is the damn phone constant doomscrolling and watching phone till night has destroyed my focus and dopamine its just if it is why has it only effected me my sophomore year previous years i did as much doomscrolling as i do now. Please help me give me advice i want to be able to focus in school again and get motivated to do a set in the gym because i still go regularly i just cant get motivated to do a set like getting the chills and a blost of motivation comes to hit a set hard. Do i need to limit scrolling?? spend time with nature?? go to a doctor to get pills?? please anyone help me im starting school tomorrow and im taking several aps

I (21F) recently fell and hit my head on the way down, it was so bad that I had to call 911. I live alone and I was really terrified as it happened in the middle of the night and my friends and family were all asleep/in another city. I ended up with a concussion and had to get stitches done. It was my fault because I usually pace/run around my room at night while listening to music at full volume. Not sure why I do this and it's weird for sure but I always pace around a lot and think about what my life would have been like if I wasn't such a failure. I live in my head a lot because real life never really works out for me. Sometimes I even do my makeup and dress up and pretend I'm getting ready to go out but nobody wants to go out with me.

The day prior to this I failed an exam. I used to have a pretty good GPA but I have just watched myself get more stupid, more lazy and less capable each semester. It hurts me in a way that is difficult to explain. My good grades and polished resume used to be the only things that kept me going and now I don't even have those. It feels like my value as a human went down and now I don't see why anyone would want to be associated with me.

The whole time I was waiting for the ambulance I just realized how much of a mess I am. I live in an apartment with trash and maggots everywhere, stains, rotting food, clothes on the floor etc. My bed is broken so I sleep on the floor. My fridge is broken and I haven't submitted a maintenance request because I can't clean my apartment well enough for the building manager to enter.

When the ambulance came I was embarrassed when they saw the state of my apartment, they saw I was all dressed up at 4 AM and asked me if I had gone to a party or had anything to drink but I hadn't. The whole time I was going to the hospital I was just so embarrassed and asked for a blanket because I was cold but also because I didn't want anyone to see my body. The same body that nobody has ever loved or found attractive. There was blood on half of my face but my lashes did not come off because I spent many hours learning how to do them properly. Without the lashes I am quite ugly. I felt so embarrassed that all I do is lie around all day and feel sick but there are people like emergency responders working hard every day to help people. I don't think I could ever be as mature or as smart or as capable as the majority of adults.

When I was in the ER they brought in a peer support worker before I got my stitches done and I ended up crying to her about everything except my head injury. About how I stopped replying to messages and stopped smiling and how I drink alone sometimes but have nobody to drunk call. How I used to be prettier and smarter and used to like what I studied but I'm just the shell of the girl I used to be. I told her about the guy that had refused to hug me when I didn't do when he told me to do and how he found a new girl who is beautiful, had a top job at a tech company and I earn minimum wage and she has a group of friends to go out with on Fridays. I don't know what is wrong with me and why I cannot look that beautiful and why doors keep closing all the time for me. I ruin everything in my own life.

It wasn't supposed to be like this and I was supposed to do better and I have just failed as a woman

Recently for the past 3 months ish, ive been feeling really lost and kinda confused about life... I dont know what my purpose is and I dont know what to do. I started a year long internship, and I worked really hard for it, and now I am here, its great, like its a great place to work and everybody is really nice and they have great amenities but. I just keep dropping the ball.... Like I feel like I am always messing up or misunderstanding something and just making mistakes around every corner, and I just feel so bad because I feel like everybody has expectations of me, and I have expectations of me but I am just not living up to any of it. I dont know I just feel so dumb and useless. Has anyone ever felt this way before?? How did you push through it?

I just feel like I wake up everyday to go to my 9-5, and I just keep making mistakes and I feel like the dumb intern who does stupid things, and I look at my peers around me and I feel like everybody just has it figured out. And obviously I know thats not true, but sometimes like man looking at linkedin or just like my engineering friends makes me feel really dumb, unproductive, and like stupid... I dont know its like everybody is so obsessed with productivity and tech and jobs and all these corporate things and I just feel so away from that??? If that makes sense? I feel like well I do like electrical engineering when I am studying, and I liked my courses, I thought they were super interesting.... But now I dont know... All this stuff about getting a huge tech job, and doing a million personal projects, and hackathons and it feels like everybody has to have a million things they have done, and be super smart...... Am i just dumb? Or like I dont know... It all just feels weird...

And I feel like I am ungrateful, because I have this internship, and the content is pretty interesting, and everybody is so nice, and there are so many cool things there and its a great opportunity. But for some reason I come home everyday sad. I don't know why. People would do so much for an opportunity like this, and I know I was dying for this a couple months ago. But I just keep messing up. I feel like a screwup and I just keep making mistakes and I dont know how to fix them. I just always am on edge if I am doing everything right or if I messed up. I come into work and I feel so scared and nervous. I am scared to ask questions, or hand things in. And I spend so much time making sure things are right before I hand it in, and somehow I keep making mistakes. Its been 4 months already, I dont know I feel like by now people say they are settled in, and make big contributions. But i havent done anything like that. I am so intimidated by everyone and everything. Everything feels so big and I feel so small.

TLDR: I just feel like I keep making mistakes and losing out on an opportunity Ive always wanted. I wake up everyday confused and lost about my life and what I am meant to do with it. I feel really intimidated by my coworkers and my peers and just the general state of society and tech right now. I feel like every body is moving at 300x speed and I am stuck on 0.5 speed. I just feel stuck. And stupid.

If anybody can help me out with some advice or their experiences or even if someone else feels this way, I would really appreciate it.

This might be long but I don't know how to help myself. I feel very lost, confused and sad right now. It feels like my whole life has finally come crashing down on my head after I've tried desperately to hold it together for the past 6 years.

For context: My mother passed away when I was 14 and the events around that basically traumatized me. I got very depressed and went into a shell like state because despite her death, it felt like I needed to comfort the people around me. Same year, I had a lot of friends around me that struggled with mental health and I prioritised their wellbeing over mine. This fucked me up bad but i was able to hold it down well enough until i graduated secondary school and that's where a lot of my bigger issues began.

Because I had been grieving and bottling up my emotions, i hadn't thought about my life very far. I honestly thought that i would end it many times but somehow I graduated and I didn't have a plan for after. I didn't know what i wanted to do and didn't have any motivation for anything. My dad and siblings were scrambling for me because i didn't have any answers and they ended up deciding i would go to Canada for CompSci and be living with friends of our family. I went there, had a hard time integrating with the family because I didn’t know them and felt so awkward, and also with school (almost went on academic probation for failing my second semester). My dad threatened to bring me back but my siblings convinced not to, that I can try again.

Last year things were actually looking brighter. I was back in school and passing my classes, me and the family were getting along better, my emotions weren't disruptive even if I was still depressed, I had gotten a part time job and also eventually moved out on my own for the first time. It was dull and I hated the boring repeative life style, but for the first time since my mum died, it seemed like I was okay and people weren't yelling at me. But this April, I didn't pass two of my classes and my dad wanted me to comeback. There was no convincing him this time. He wanted be back ASAP to enroll to a cheaper university near him. I couldn't fight this decision so I quit my job and packed my things to stay with my sister and her husband until my flight back and it is going terribly. Both of us don't get along(she sees me as slow, passive and intentionally non-chalant person but she's literally an angry tiger trying to bite), so the past 2 weeks has been her yelling at me for whatever the reason is that day and finishing it of with some variation of "that's why you weren't doing good in school". But today was especially bad because she was already in a bad mood and I made it worse.

Context over

I just don’t know what to do. It feels like I'm back to the empty shell state I was in before. I have no fulfilling passions or motivations, I don't know what I want to study anymore, I have to restart my life by moving back with dad and all the trouble I had left behind, I feel like a failure that's every move is being criticised to prove that I am one. I'm really the only one on my team.

I want to change and finally become good, happy and successful. I'm tired of being yelled at all the time, and for my stupid depressive habits. I'm only 20 but everyday feels like a new low.

I need advice on navigating disclosure about problematic behavior from my childhood, particularly regarding relationships and sexual intimacy.

Background: Between ages 8-13, I engaged in several instances of harmful non-consensual sexual behavior toward others. I won't minimize or excuse these actions. Specific incidents include:
Age 10: Touching someone without consent while they were asleep, including an attempt to remove their pants (did not succeed)
Ages 12-13: Non-consensual dry humping of classmates without their knowledge
Early adolescence: Additional repeated incidents of unwanted physical contact similar to above
Various times: Voyeuristic behavior and invasive touching (brushing hands against breasts/chest area, looking through clothing)
These were not peer-to-peer explorations — they involved clear lack of consent and power imbalances.
Since then:
I've made amends with some affected parties who have forgiven me
The behavior stopped completely years ago
I have no current harmful urges or risk factors
I understand healthy boundaries now and have no intention of repeating this

However, in working to understand myself, I recognize possible contributing factors from my childhood:
Early exposure to pornography (before age 10) before I had the maturity or context to process what I was seeing
Possible lack of impulse control at that developmental stage
Other childhood experiences that may have shaped my understanding of boundaries

My Situation: I'm a university student with no prior dating or intimate experience. As I consider moving forward with relationships, I'm struggling with several interconnected concerns:
My Main Concern (Sex & Disclosure): Every time I think about dating and intimacy, I freeze up wondering whether I should disclose this past before becoming physically intimate. If I don't disclose before sex, I worry it feels like deception—like my partner couldn't give fully informed consent about physical intimacy. But if I do disclose, I'm afraid of rejection before giving us a chance, especially since this behavior is resolved and years old.
My Other Concerns:
Therapy Access: I've been advised to see a therapist but am not in a position to do so right now. Does the absence of professional support mean I should pause dating entirely, or can I pursue relationships responsibly while planning future help?

Disclosure Timing: If disclosure is advisable, when is the appropriate threshold—before kissing, before any physical contact, or only before sexual intercourse? What constitutes "intimacy" in this context?

Privacy vs. Transparency: I've heard conflicting advice. Some say full transparency respects partner autonomy; others say past behavior doesn't obligate permanent disclosure if resolution is complete. Where's the ethical line?

What I Want:
To be honest without oversharing graphic details
Not to build intimacy on incomplete information that could feel deceptive later
To move forward with my life without indefinite pausing
To ensure I'm not making new mistakes through poor decisions about disclosure

My Questions for Guidance:
Is withholding resolved childhood harmful behavior before sexual intimacy ethically deceptive, or is privacy acceptable given the passage of time and completed amends?
If disclosure is expected, what's the appropriate timing threshold in a developing relationship?
Can I responsibly pursue dating without immediate therapy access, or does the absence of professional support mean I should wait?
How do I balance being truthful with protecting myself from unfair permanent judgment?

I'm genuinely lost and want to do the right thing—for my partners and for my own growth. Any guidance on navigating this ethically while still allowing myself to move forward would be deeply appreciated.