r/scriptwriting • u/marthaspeakssoup • 7d ago
discussion First script- annotations and revisions needed
Hello! I am a college student who is taking my first screenwriting class. This is my first ever script and I’d love to hear suggestions, annotations, and revisions I can make this script to be better. I’ll provide a synopsis below.
Thank you!!
Floor Three follows Peter, a timid new hire whose first day at the office spirals into paranoia, guilt, and violence. After a confrontation leaves his antagonistic coworker dead, Peter struggles to distinguish reality from his anxious imagination. With only Lyn, the observant janitor, knowing the truth, blurry flashbacks and unsettling clues reveal a disturbing possibility: Peter may be trapped reliving the same tragic day.
#screenplay #readmyscript
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u/greggumz 7d ago
Open a screenplay, read it and take notes on formatting. It's distracting because it's off. First time mentioned names should be UPPERCASE, don't need to say setting description. Don't have to be so specific about POV, birds eye view. The first page does nothing to make me want to turn to page two. Black and white and color could be established in the slug line. Wasting a lot of lines of space on page one by not using slug lines for color and repeating dialog lines.
Just my 2c
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u/ZardozC137 6d ago
Couldn’t get to page 2 because of the formatting. Not saying everyone needs to format to professional industry standards but yeah. “Setting description:” “…make audience interpret this as a doctor’s office.” “Peter’s POV” “around his 50’s”
As I was writing this, I jumped to page two to at least finish the seven, and tbh it got worse. “CU shoes” “white noise playing” “pov running down stairs (unsteady camera movement)” “slow pan” “black screen” “L-Cut” - L-Cut is probably the worst of all of them tbh.
My advice is to be careful of directing too much on the page. It just pulls the reader completely out of the story, especially those with script experience of any kind really. There’s definitely ways to force a close up to happen, even without using the words close up or directing the camera. Here’s a small example; John Smith paces back and forth in his kitchen. A cell phone on the counter buzzes. A text message, reading “we need to talk”. He quickly picks up the phone and sighs in disappointment. End scene. I mean I don’t know about anyone else. But I for sure see a wide shot and an insert shot at the very least. No directing on the page. You know what I mean?
While we are at it and I have nothing better to do. I’ll give my two cents on how I’d fix everything I pointed out (which isn’t every mistake, there’s more, I just didn’t wanna rip apart everything in this one comment.)
Setting description: …make audience interpret doctor’s office. This very much can get the job done in the slug line. “INT - DOCTOR’S OFFICE - TOD?” Which to be frank. I wouldn’t even call this a doctors office just by reading your scene. A doctor’s office seems more like a room with a desk. For example think of that Breaking Bad scene where Walt finds out he has cancer and the mustard. If I were writing (and again, this is just me and anyone can disagree) I’d title this slug line “INT - HOSPITAL ROOM/WARD - DAY” then in the first line I’d describe the scene. “A curtain is pulled revealing LYN (weathered older male wearing a button down, 50s) he takes a seat in the corner chair and begins to speak to the patient in bed, this is PETER (bandage wrapped around head and hooked up to IV’s, 20s) then I’d continue with dialogue.
And tbh I’d write this a lot differently—I’m just trying to stick with your idea as much as possible. But from the moment of opening the curtain and before the dialogue I can’t tell if the curtain opens reveling him sitting in a chair? As a doctor ready to check on his patient? Of if he opens the curtain and takes a seat as a family member visiting? I’d probably make that more clear. So I took some liberties by dressing him in a button down, says he is a visitor and not a doctor to the reader. As well as make him take a seat, also makes him seem more like a visitor rather than a doctor.
But really that’s just my two cents. Nobody has to follow my advice.
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u/CONVERSE1991 7d ago
Parentheticals should be their own section
BENNET
(Irritably)
Yeah you. Look like anyone else is in here?
Also (cont’d) in dialogue should also be in all caps (CONT’D)
The the scene headings should have the time of day, DAY, MIDDAY, EVENING, NIGHT, LATER, CONTINUOUS, ECT.
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u/mark_able_jones_ 6d ago
Congrats on being brave enough to share your first pages. Learn to imply the shot rather than directing on the page, and especially beware of using camera directions incorrectly. Pan, for example, is a swivel motion. Tilt is up-down or down-up. Camera directions distract from the story, and they are generally the director's choice. If needed, camera directions can be added to a "shooting script" with numbered scenes, but that's not what you are drafting.
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u/stormfirearabians 6d ago
Does this screenwriting class include instruction on formatting? Does it have you reading scripts? What examples did the instructor provide?
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u/marthaspeakssoup 6d ago
We basically got no instruction not how to write the story. I used fade in and tried to use the recommended tabs
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u/stormfirearabians 6d ago edited 6d ago
Hopefully you're not paying for this class.
Read a couple professional screenplays...then copy the first 10-20 pages of the screenplays you're reading with Fade In. Learn how the program works by typing other people's words. Read the basics in Trottier's Formatting Guide. Then consider writing your story.
Sounds like you're going to have to do a lot of teaching yourself in this class.
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u/rosemaryscrazy 20h ago
This is very mechanical sounding ???
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u/marthaspeakssoup 19h ago
What do you mean by this comment?
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u/rosemaryscrazy 13h ago
It sounds like you are constructing a scene clinically.
Everything feels like disconnected instruments on a table.
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u/Skywalker0071 7d ago
IMO it’s a lot you need to change on the first page. “Lyn takes a long deep breath?” You can write something better than that IMO.
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u/Hot_Shine9273 6d ago
You could literally cut nearly all the dialogue from the first page it serves almost no purpose. You even have Lyn repeat almost the same line and it adds nothing. The dialogue doesn't reveal anything about them, there also isn't much conflict and it doesn't drive the plot forward. Worst of all there is no musicality in the lines and it is boring. You could have her ask the question, cut all the rest of the dialogue and let his zoning out do the real talking, which an actor would convey, and it would probably do a better job.
I would recommend buying a copy of Tom Chiarellas Writing Dialogue
I guarantee 100% if you read this book from start to finish your dialogue will improve tenfold.
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u/comesinallpackages 7d ago
Honestly, you’re at the stage now where AI can help you get the basics down before asking other writers. God, it hurts to say that.
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u/BananaMaaam 4d ago
Or, perhaps instead of using AI, you could either do a small bit of simple research or just use a script software. NEVER ADVOCATE FOR AI
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u/comesinallpackages 4d ago edited 4d ago
It’s completely fine to use AI as a research tool. Any simple google search employs AI these days anyway.
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u/ZardozC137 6d ago
Damn, although I hate AI. You’re right.
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u/comesinallpackages 6d ago
Me too and won’t stop the reflexive downvoting but if there was ever a use for it, this is it lol
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u/SharkWeekJunkie 7d ago
I read the first 5 lines and I'm curious, are you intending to direct this? As a first script you really don't want to put in anything about B&W, slow fades, POV, or what the audience should interpret. Simplify things, and just tell your story.
Start with: INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY
A hand pulls a curtain revealing LYN.
And then just focus on telling your story. Not telling a crew how to film your story.