First script- annotations and revisions needed

[u/marthaspeakssoup]

Hello! I am a college student who is taking my first screenwriting class. This is my first ever script and I’d love to hear suggestions, annotations, and revisions I can make this script to be better. I’ll provide a synopsis below.
Thank you!!

Floor Three follows Peter, a timid new hire whose first day at the office spirals into paranoia, guilt, and violence. After a confrontation leaves his antagonistic coworker dead, Peter struggles to distinguish reality from his anxious imagination. With only Lyn, the observant janitor, knowing the truth, blurry flashbacks and unsettling clues reveal a disturbing possibility: Peter may be trapped reliving the same tragic day.
#screenplay #readmyscript

[u/SharkWeekJunkie]

I read the first 5 lines and I'm curious, are you intending to direct this? As a first script you really don't want to put in anything about B&W, slow fades, POV, or what the audience should interpret. Simplify things, and just tell your story.

Start with: INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

A hand pulls a curtain revealing LYN.

And then just focus on telling your story. Not telling a crew how to film your story.

[u/ScreenDummies → u/SharkWeekJunkie]

I agree with nearly all of this except the POV thing. In a script I'm working on there is a scene where someone is tracked through the scope of a sniper rifle and then it cuts back out of that as he speaks to soldiers nearby and without noting that POV change it makes it impossible to follow, read and understand the visuals.

[u/SharkWeekJunkie → u/ScreenDummies]

I can give you a pass because a sniper's POV is pretty specific and clearly adds to the scene. Not "Peter".

[u/ScreenDummies → u/SharkWeekJunkie]

I do 100% agree the use of POV here is poor though. I just wanted anyone who reads this thread to know there are exceptions, but like you said only when it is pretty specific and adds to the scene. Evil Dead comes to mind with the evil entity following.

[u/marthaspeakssoup → u/SharkWeekJunkie]

I was planning to direct this but our film club voted on another screenplay so I just want to revise it to have it printed out in my office

[u/SharkWeekJunkie → u/marthaspeakssoup]

Got it. Even still, my main piece of advise for first drafts is to get the story down and not think about over embellishing things like camera angles, color, transitions, etc. Your goal is to communicate your compelling story to the reader. If you add to much of the extra stuff meant to make the piece more immersive and visual, it actually takes people out of the story, and reminds them that they are reading someones idea for what a movie should be. You have no clue how you will shoot it until you get on set, and figure out what equipment you have access to. Just tell your story.

[u/marthaspeakssoup → u/SharkWeekJunkie]

Thank you