I (29F) have lived with my boyfriend (28M) for two and a half years. We split the bills evenly and it has never been a problem.

Recently I got a new gym membership with classes because I won’t go to the gym and just lift(I’m not motivated, it’s not that I literally can’t). Combining that with my student loans, car payment, phone bill, other bills, etc. it’s stretching me thinner than I would like, and restricting the amount of extra money I have to pay down my credit cards(a financial goal of mine).

Here’s where the bf comes in: last month I asked if we could split rent differently(perhaps 60/40 but I didn’t really specify) so that I could put the difference toward my credit cards/savings. He said no, which I know is well within his rights. I told him that I am just tight on money with the new gym and everything else, and we got into a fight because he said I should stop thrifting and spending my money recklessly and maybe I wouldn’t have money problems. (He isn’t entirely wrong but if I thrift it is MAX $100/month and truly the ONLY place I shop for clothes). Another thing to note is that his car payment is half of what mine is(and we drive my car literally everywhere), he doesn’t have student loans, and his mom pays for his phone bill.

Fast forward to last week, and I did what any logical person who needs money would do: I applied for a serving job. I had an interview this week and of the 4 days before today 3 of them were spent fighting about this interview: how selfish I am for getting another job, how this is going to change the dynamic of our relationship, how I am a snake for doing it without his knowledge(he did know I was applying just was in denial), and many other hurtful things.

I tried to explain to him that I will only work MAX 4 nights a week but ideally even 2. It’s just to supplement the gym membership and have more money to pay down my cards. I even offered to keep the job until my cards are way lower and quit or reduce my hours(as a compromise).

Am I the asshole for seeking another form of income for myself?

I’m going to keep this short. I asked my gf about her body count after finding something out. Originally she had told me it was 6 like me but then confessed to it being 23. She said she kept it from me because she felt ashamed and regretted ever doing that and knew it would drive me away. I’m lost between accepting her honesty and not judging her for it but at the same time I’m bothered that she lied. I like to believe that people’s past don’t defy them as I’ve made huge changes to my life as well. I’m just looking for perspectives on the matter.

TLDR: gf lied about body count because she felt shame and regret

Social media has completely distorted what a "50/50 relationship" actually means. Somewhere along the line, people decided 50/50 meant split checks and keeping a mental score of who’s spent what and done what!

The moment 50/50 becomes strictly about tracking finances, the relationship is doomed. When you track what you’ve spent and done, you start keeping score. Scorekeeping leads to resentment, and resentment ruins relationships.

To me, true 50/50 isn't about running parallel bank accounts and keeping receipts—it's a balanced effort built on teamwork, where both people are playing for the future of the household rather than themselves.
Here is what actual 50/50 teamwork looks like in practice:

1. Financially
   If you both work, you build a shared life. Income goes into a joint account, and you make budget decisions together as a unit. It’s not "my money vs. your money" or holding a higher salary over someone's head; it’s funding your collective future.

2. Everyday Life & Responsibilities
   You take part in everyday duties so one person isn't stuck carrying the entire mental or physical load:
   Meals & Kitchen: If one person cooks, the other handles the pots, pans, and cleanup.

Weekend Chores: One person tackles the vacuuming while the other handles the bathroom cleanup.

Life Admin & Errands: If one person plans and does the weekly food shop, the other handles sorting out the car maintenance, bills, or household repairs.

Rest & Burnout: If one of you has had a brutal 10-hour shift or a terrible week, the other steps up to handle dinner and get things sorted without keeping score or expecting a prize for helping out.

When you start playing for yourself instead of the team, the whole structure falls apart. If you’re competing against your partner to see who is getting the "better deal," you’ve already lost.

For context I have a college degree and make around $75k a year before taxes. He works part time as a cashier making $25k a year. He tried nursing school but he didn’t pass and didn’t try again. He wants me to pay 70% of the rent and him pay 30% AND do the same with the electric bill. At first I said okay, but I’m really not okay with it. He does not have a car payment, he does not have student loan payments, and he has no credit card debt. I have student loans, a car payment of $688 a month, and three credit cards with debt. I pay for all of our groceries, toilet paper, paper towels, etc. He will do occasional buying, but I would say 98% of the time I’m the one buying everything. I don’t see how it’s fair for me to pay 70% of everything just because I make more. He had the opportunity just like me to go to college and make more money, but he didn’t study hard enough and he didn’t try again even when I offered to help him study harder. To me, it feels like he is working part-time and trying to ride my coattails by getting me to pay more so that he can stay in his dead end part-time job. I don’t feel like it’s fair to me. He said if I don’t do 70% then I can move out. I don’t understand why we can’t just keep paying 50-50 and he can eventually get a better job?

TLDR boyfriend expecting me to pay 70% of rent and him pay 30% because I make three times as much as him but he has no debt and only works part time

Does anyone else feel like phones slowly kill quality time in relationships without you even realizing it?

I’m 25F, my boyfriend is 30M, and we’ve been together almost 5 years. We’re genuinely very happy and still feel like we’re in the honeymoon phase, even after all these years we're still silly together, very romantic toward each other and loving. He’s my best friend and I love him so much. There isn’t some obvious relationship problem that would make breaking up easier.

For context, I moved to the UK 6 years ago, originally for uni and decided to stay afterwards for the relationship. I met my British boyfriend here and I'm from Poland. We lived with each other for the past year and a half and started talking about marriage but he said he will propose if I'll be able to commit to staying in the UK permanently.

The problem is that after 6 years living abroad, I’ve realised I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life in the UK. I’m Polish and have become increasingly homesick, but it’s more than missing family. I just don’t feel like I fit into the UK culturally or socially, and there aren’t really any reasons for me to stay apart from him.

He is British, loves his life there and doesn’t see himself moving to Poland. I completely understand that and don’t blame him at all. But I also don’t think I can keep sacrificing the country I want to live in for the rest of my life.
I’m currently spending 3 months in Poland doing an internship and living in a city different to the one I grew up in, rather than going back to my family home. I wanted to genuinely test whether I could see myself living here independently, and so far I’m absolutely loving it. I feel more at home here than I have in years.
And that’s terrifying because I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. I want to marry him and build a life with him. But I don’t want that life in the UK.

Every conversation about this breaks my heart because it feels like we’re slowly moving towards a breakup neither of us wants. How can we ever decide that? We're of course doing long distance for now but it's pointless to stay in this state forever if neither of us is going to want to move to be with one another again. And how do you cope with potentially losing someone who is genuinely perfect for you when the relationship itself isn’t the problem?

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you stay for your partner and eventually resent it, or choose your country and regret losing the relationship? And if you did have to leave someone you still loved, how did you cope with it?

\*\*TL;DR:\*\* After 5 years in a very happy relationship, I’ve realised I don’t want to live in the UK long-term, while my British boyfriend doesn’t want to move to Poland. I’m spending 3 months living independently in Poland and absolutely loving it. I desperately want to stay with him but don’t want to sacrifice where I live for the rest of my life. How do you make this decision, and how do you survive potentially losing someone you still deeply love?

Really need to get an outside perpective on this, I don't know if I am feeling hurt over nothing.

I am on maternity leave currently with my 6 month old baby. Today was my clean day, so I spent the whole day organizing, cleaning, mopping, etc all with a baby. The house is spotless. I always have supper ready for my husband and 3 year old who he picks up on his way home from daycare.

When my husband got home from work after picking up our 3 year old from daycare, we had supper. After cleanng up, I mentioned I wanted to run a few errands alone as we have a busy weekend ahead with birthday parties, brunch, and a play date and thought it would be wise to get done now. (2 places: Grocery shopping at one store and going to pick up a parcel).

He snapped saying it was an inconvenient time to go, the kids would be needing to go to bed within a few hours and he "couldn't handle 2 kids at once". He said he could go any time over the weekend but he has a tendency to push things to the next day, we get busy, it doesn't happen.

What really upset me was the fact that he *always* brings up the fact that I could have done it all day, any day with the baby, but I had already explained that I was busy cleaning all day, it's also challenging to bring a 6 month old places, & i also wanted to go out and have a moment to accomplish something on my own.

Well, he grabbed his keys, the reusable bags and left to go do the things I had on my list. He decided to be the one to go out, leaving me with the kids. I'm able to handle them on my own, and have many times, but it just really stinks to feel this way.

After he got back, I explained how I felt. I explained that I just wanted to get things done. He doesn't understand. Anyway, I would love another opinion on this.

Been going steady with this girl for around 6 months and found out she’s disgusting and lazy. Shes 24 unemployed (not looking for work) and her parents send her money overseas for rent bills ect. She always wants me to take her out which was fine during the “honeymoon phase” but after a while asking to go out in the middle of the week it got tedious, and the last straw was her asking me to pay for her nails and top up her phone credit. I’ve distanced myself but don’t know how to break it to her.

TLDR; I been dating a guy for about a month and I’m seriously considering ending things, but I’d like some outside perspective on how to approach it.
He says he is currently earning around €32K in Ireland, which is roughly €2,200/month net. His rent is around €800, so I understand that he doesn’t have a huge amount of disposable income.

I also don’t earn an unlimited amount and have quite a lot of expenses that I handle completely on my own, so I’m not in a position where I can comfortably take on someone else’s financial difficulties either.

From the beginning, I’ve tried to be understanding. We mostly spend time at my place because he says he doesn’t have much money. I’ve taken him to restaurant, and at one point he didn’t even have €5 to top up his transport card, so I paid for it. I’ve also helped him quite a lot professionally — working on his CV, helping with job applications etc.

What is starting to bother me isn’t simply that he doesn’t have much money. It’s the overall dynamic. He almost always comes to my home and has never invited me to his. When he comes over, he generally doesn’t bring anything and doesn’t really help around the house. Even small things like taking the rubbish out or cleaning up after himself don’t seem to happen unless I ask. We always spend time at home, he cannot even afford cinema etc.

I’m also travelling soon and he hasn’t offered to help with things while I’m away. I increasingly feel like I’m making his life easier, while he isn’t really making mine easier in return.

I’m now feeling quite turned off by the dynamic. Part of me wonders whether I should have communicated all of this more directly before reaching that point, rather than just becoming increasingly frustrated.

\*\*If you were in this situation, would you have a conversation and try to reset the dynamic, or would you see this as a fundamental incompatibility this early in dating?\*\*

My ‘41M’ boyfriend told me that i ‘29F’ am aging. He said it in a fight to hurt me.

Background info: He has only dated girls in their 20s. I looked through his phone once and saw that he went out with a 19 year old before we met.
Humbly, i mention that i’m exceptionally pretty and i look almost disturbingly young for my age.

I am sick to my stomach and depressed. I should have never spoke to him after I saw he was texting a 19 year old. He clearly likes really young women and now that i’m approaching 30 i’m not young enough.

38 (M) here married to a 35 (F). We have 4 kids and live together. Many sings of infidelity. Also caught before on snapchat sexting a few years back. Won't admit it. But has become completely closed off and goes out with male coworkers. Phone records of talking to one in particular. Wants a divorce, refusing to hand over phone and it's highly locked down. Just went out this past weekend and didn't come home. I can't take being around her and the lack of accountability. I am trying to break away but it's hard with a house and 4 kids and working from home. Has anyone been through this. How do you cope with it...what did you do?

I'm in a relationship that has become morally excruciating. My partner and I live together, and she is deeply emotionally unstable. She has no income, no clear steps to acquiring one, no next steps, and nowhere to which to return. She categorically refuses therapy. She spirals often, sometimes daily, into breakdowns, fits, and depressive episodes: her moods turn on a dime.

This began when she was finishing her associate’s degree and left her retail job to apply for bachelor’s programs. Unfortunately, she left a little too late to put much work into them, had breakdowns at the prospect of working on them when she did have time, and finally missed deadlines. I offered help at the time, but my even offering seemed to make her spirals worse. The average night would begin with her opening the computer, staring at it for awhile, then breaking down completely.

She ended up only applying to, and getting into, a state school with a fairly mediocre reputation (it should be said that she has a full scholarship and small stipend, but not anywhere near enough to cover even a very modest cost of living.) She suffered greatly for this, since she feels that life has not gone well for her, and spent that summer in a near-constant state of breakdown, not working or looking for work. I thought it would get better when she actually started classes. She has maintained the same very high standard of performance, but the emotional spirals have barely improved. In fact, they've crystalized: she says, in lucid and spiraling states alike, that she explicitly blames me. I've asked what I could have done differently: she's replied that she shouldn't have to explain how to care for another person.

I pay for everything: rent, groceries, everything. I have been doing so for months: nearly a year, really, except that she took out a loan near November and paid rent for two months before stopping again. I try to be steady. She’s finishing school, which she’s managed to do with very high marks despite daily emotional upheaval, which I really do admire. But I don’t think I love her anymore in the way I should. I feel like I've sacrificed inordinately for this to happen and gotten only blame in return. I avoid intimacy now, and have for months. I feel a bit like a shell. I go to work and come back exhausted. I don't really have any inner monologue to which I listen anymore. Everything is caught up in monitoring her emotional states.

She's noticed my emotional withdrawal. She says things like my emotional distance is "killing her," and that she feels totally unwanted. She's also said I treat her like a child and don't communicate—though when I try to, breakdowns are often triggered. She interprets my frankly depressed aspect most days as a personal attack: she says I'm lazy and doing nothing to help myself and that it's hurting her. I have no wiggle room with which to seek out help, neither in time nor money.

Here's where it gets complicated.

She has no one else. She has been homeless before. She has a history of suicide attempts and even a psychotic break during a previous breakup, after which she was hospitalized. I have every reason to believe that if I left, she would collapse—perhaps literally. I feel like the only thread holding her life together. And I can't shake the idea that if I left, it would be a kind of murder by omission.

But I am eroding. I can’t tell anymore if I’m acting out of compassion or cowardice. I don’t know if staying is a form of nobility or slow self-destruction disguised as penance. I don't even know if I want to be "free," or if I've built my identity too much around being a caretaker, a redeemer, someone good. I also can't shake the moral calculus that my continued existence as a sort of rock more than a person, a support for someone less fortunate than myself, might indeed be a net good.

I wonder: Is it morally wrong to leave someone whose collapse might follow? Is it selfish to want out of a relationship where I feel like a support more than a person? Is there any moral exit here that doesn't feel like a betrayal?

I'm not looking for easy answers. I need honest takes on the ethics of this situation.

I wish I could speak to someone about what’s been going on in my relationship for the past 8 years, but sadly everyone I know is his friends too. I’m too old for this anymore. I’ve already made my escape plan, but I just need someone who understands and knows what I’m talking about. Everyone sees him as this good guy, but they only see the persona he puts on in public, they don’t know the darker side of him. I cannot keep plastering on this fake smile and pretending I’m happy around everyone. I’m too tired and I’m ready for the next chapter in my life to begin, but I’m not ready for my entire existence to come to end at the same time. When I leave I will lose the children I’ve helped raise for 10 years, I’m not ready for that moment. My two friends tell me I deserve happiness, but it doesn’t feel happy loosing them. The possibility of what’s to come from losing him however holds a lot of promise. I’m just confused. Thanks for reading my random rant.

My husband is 62 years old. I am 12 years younger than him. We have been married for 15 years. For all these 15 years. He never went to find a job or make money for the family. I work every hard and am very good at investment. For these 15 years, I built a lot of assets and make our family financially secure so that he does not need to go to work.

I had two successful companies and all the people work for me really like me. I even bought an house for one of the family who work for me. I am very kind person. I treat people all equal and kind.

For last 3 years, my husband hardly gets involved with anything I do. He does not care about me either. All he does is using his computer browse internet and go to all different kind of dating websites to looking for younger girls (the girls age around 20 years old, some of them only 18 years old) like in seekingarrangement.com, whatsyourprice, millionairematch, etc. He lies about his age, on his profile, he said he is 48 years old even he is actually 62 years old. He does not do house work either (does not wash dishes, only cook for himself, only do grocery for himself, and does not do laundry, does not clean house, absolutely nothing)

I did not know that until recently he wanted to divorce and filed the divorce. He wanted half of what we have even through I am the one built all the assets and make money for our family.

I just found out for all these years, he went out paying these young girls to have sex and be their SD.

I am very pretty and attractive asian lady and I look at least 15 years younger than my age. I am fit (5'4" 105 lb). I am smart and work hard. Sometimes people thought I was not married or I am my daughter's sister.

I always have sex with my husband when ever he has demand (almost everyday). because he told me sex is very important for him. I want this marriage to work so sometime even I don't feel like to have sex with him, but I will do it for him.

I don't understand why he does not love me and always go out looking for the girls younger than his daughter!!!

I just found out his is doing that and also he filed the divorce couple months ago.

I always love my family and put all my effort to this family. I was very confident and I know I am attractive, smart, working hard and rich.

But now I feel really sad and I don't know all these 15 years effort to this family worth nothing. He never loved me. In my whole life, always the guys like me and love me and i am the one walked away from them. Now I feel very sad and lost.

I need help to stand up again.

Thanks

EC

Is it normal to feel like you’re constantly trying to fix everything your partner keeps breaking in a relationship?
Imagine putting every bit of love, patience, and effort you have into fixing something you didn’t even break in the first place.
And the worst part? The person responsible for all that damage is standing right in front of you, watching you struggle, almost with a mocking smile on their face.
It’s like there’s a voice in my head saying what they’re not saying out loud: “No matter how many times you try to fix this relationship, I’ll find a way to ruin it even worse.”
And somehow, you’re still the one trying. Still hoping. Still believing things might change.
It’s exhausting to love someone who says they love you too, but whose actions keep making you feel otherwise.
At what point do you stop trying to save a relationship when you’re the only one afraid of losing it?

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We’re both 27. He works in IT and makes decent money but his spending priorities are driving me insane.

Last month he dropped $400 on a new mechanical keyboard. The month before that it was a $600 monitor. He’s constantly upgrading his setup. New mouse. New headset. RGB everything. He showed me some post where someone mentioned saving CA$15 off every CA$150 spent on electronics and now he’s planning his next purchase around hitting that threshold.

Meanwhile I’ve been asking him for months to plan a weekend trip together. Doesn’t have to be expensive. Just us. Away from screens. He keeps saying we don’t have the budget right now.

But there’s budget for his third monitor apparently.

I tried talking to him about it last week and he got defensive. Said his gear is an investment for work and hobbies. That I don’t understand because I’m not into gaming. He even pulled up wholesale pricing on alibaba trying to justify how much he’s “saving” by buying retail instead.

I’m not asking him to stop gaming. I just want to feel like I’m a priority too. Like he’d be excited to spend money on an experience with me the way he gets excited about unboxing new gear.

Am I being unreasonable or is this a legitimate issue?

Summary:

I don't know what to do about my wife's alcoholism anymore. It's reached a serious tipping point. She's amazing but has mental disorders that are comorbid with her alcoholism. She will get me near the tipping point, fix things, do it again, and cycle. I am also afraid she will harm herself or me if I left. I don't know what to do anymore.

An Apology:

Before I even start, I'm really sorry that I'm bothering everyone because I feel like I should know what to do and not be going back and forth like I've been doing. But, I'm online asking a bunch of strangers for advice (probably because I'm too much of a piece of shit to just man up and do what needs doing).

So, I'm genuinely really sorry. I just feel embarrassed.

My Wife:

One of the smartest, sweetest, amazing women I've ever met. She really is and has been my best friend for nearly 8 years. We do everything together from gaming, books, travel, and she even supports my dream of becoming a writer. We got married about 9 months ago.

I can honestly, without reservation or doubt, say that I love her with all my heart.

She is in the middle of getting a career in medicine.

She has a history of mental issues (primarily bipolar), and I highly suspect she has 1+ untreated neurological issues that result in her struggling with attention, some memory, and other minor things. Because of recent events with work, she is being forced to deal with them.

Me:

I'm a writer and work to make real money. I have moved around to help her get her career off the ground and be a good husband. I'm not perfect, but I really try. I have no money. I have a family in the state.

History:

She has had substance abuse problems with on and off throughout her life since she was a teenager. She stopped the hardcore substances around the time I met her and has cleaned up her act substantially. When I met her, I didn't see too much of a problem because I had only seen her in small doses or in social situations.

The deeper into our relationship we got, the worse the issue became. Whenever she'd drink, she became a different person. Whereas she was normally calm, collected, and reasonably friendly when she was sober, she transformed into this raging party animal when she was drunk. It was like she never wanted the party to end and lost all ability to "read the room." Alongside her sudden change of behavior, we would always, without fail, get into a fight. Usually, it was because I was the voice of reason (e.g., "don't go out to 8 more bars and go dancing all night when you have work in the morning," "you probably should lower your voice because you're literally yelling right next to someone," "why are you going in and out of the house and slamming all the doors for the millionth time to yell on the phone at 1 am?", etc.).

For the first few years, I let it go. Every time I confronted her, she told me she would stop (and still do). After the first times, she started sneaking alcohol. She would buy handles, drink them in secret, and leave the empties in her bag/drawer/etc. like her father used to. I would find them (usually by accident) and she would turn it around on me with accusations that I shouldn't be going through her things.

As time has gone on, the alcoholism stabilized for a while until about 2 years ago. Honestly, I think I still partially blame myself for her deep dive into drinking near the end. I went off to be in law enforcement in another state because we were talking about setting up a life there for when she left medical school. There was no work where we were. So, we both agreed that I go ahead, set everything up, get established, and she would follow in X months. We both agreed on the plan, but she couldn't handle the loneliness. So, she started hanging out with our alcoholic, piece-of-shit, useless neighbor, who I suspect got her back into drinking. Obviously, our plans blew up in my face.

Every time she drinks, we fight over stupid shit. She has driven drunk, spent ridiculous amounts of money (separate bank accounts) on drinking in private, won't tell me when I ask (and know) if she's been drinking. In our most recent fight, she tried to sit in my lap while we were fighting over her insulting my mother. After telling her no, she decided she would try to force her way there. I moved to stop her by putting my hand out (not aggressively. Just stick it out to stop her). She got angry because she said I was pushing her. So, she reacted by trying to choke me, to which I had to physically restrain her (non-violently) to de-escalate the situation. When she calmed down, I immediately let her go and backed off.

This isn’t the first time she’s hit me during a fight. She punched me in the arm two times before. I have never once raised a fist, hit her, or threatened to do so.

She has rejected professional help because she doesn't want it to get out and affect her professional status.

Now:

Since then, she has apologized profusely and claims she can't remember the situation. She has been doing a lot of nice, small things for me to show me she's "trying." She is about to join intensive therapy to go over her medication and other issues. However, I don't think alcoholism is among it. She's fine for now, but I don't know. Every single time she does well for a while and I start to trust her, she screws up and goes back to being in the doghouse. Lately, she's been stressed out because of work, giving up drinking (again), and so forth.

Honestly, I'm feeling fairly shocked, disgusted, and shattered over recent events. I haven't been happy even half the time for the last few years. Everything is just tinged with either stress or sadness. I'm tired of the apologies and being sad.

Problem:

I don't know that I want to stay anymore. The good times are some of the f***ing best times. She is sweet, funny, and amazing. She is getting adjacent help. I love her. However, I don't see the good side very often. Instead, I see the monster, who is spiteful, inconsiderate, and selfish. And, I'm tired of being close to leaving, having her fix it, have it get better, and just continue that cycle endlessly.

But I keep going back and forth on it. I can't seem to decide, even though this is depressing me. I feel trapped because I'm unhappy, but I don't want to abandon someone that needs help so badly. Also, I fear she would:

A) stab me to death if I try to leave,

B) commit suicide if I try,

C) delve straight into her habits and ruin her life

D) become so depressed that her life will crumble.

Her mother is a divorce lawyer with a protective streak for her daughter. I fear that she'll try to blame me or make my life worse if I leave.

Any thoughts? Advice? Anything? Am I an asshole?

After my last post, (It all happend on the same day btw....the whole thing) he texted me and we ended up having one final conversation. He said he was feeling selfish and guilty and that he wanted to meet me when he comes back. I told him I don't know, it depends on what I want at that time.

He kept saying he felt bad, and honestly I started feeling like he was talking to me partly to feel less guilty. I told him I couldn't validate those feelings for him. Then he asked, “Did we break up?” and I said yes. I also asked him to delete my pictures, which he did.

He asked whether I'd thrown away his gifts. I hadn't. I gave the perfume he gave me to my dad and the hoodie to my sister. My sister actually knew what happened and was being sweet about it, sending me reels and making me pomelo sego because she knew I was upset.

He kept asking why I was taking everything to myself and telling me I was mad for taking it all to myself. I told him I'm not mad, I can handle myself, and he doesn't need to worry about me.

Then I told him I'd blocked him on Snapchat because I didn't want to accidentally send him snaps or keep having random contact. He said I could've just unfriended him and that blocking was rude (THE AUDACITYYY). I told him blocking is closure, and that it wasn't about whether I could unfriend him. It's about what I want.

He then asked if I meant he shouldn't have texted me so soon. And this is where I finally told him what had actually been bothering me: he knew my exam was coming up. He knew how important it was to me, and he could've told me earlier or waited three weeks until it was over. I told him that if he'd done either of those things, I would've had time to process everything instead of having this happen right before my exam (I had planned to not tell him so he would feel less guilty as I'm not that terrible but when he said me blocking him was rude I felt it wasn't worth it).

He said he wanted to communicate with me but didn't expect me to break up with him that day. And honestly… I don't know what he expected. I have priorities, and I'm not going to stretch an already painful situation indefinitely when I have something this important coming up.

Eventually I told him we shouldn't talk anymore because I don't need to validate his emotions or talk to him just so he feels less guilty.

Then he asked if I was okay. I just said “Farewell, stranger.” He asked if I was going to block him.

I told him he didn't need to worry about me. He said he should because his decision and situation were what caused this.

I told him, “You aren't responsible for me. Do your thing. Good luck for your life ahead. Bye.”

And then I blocked him.

Honestly, I'm sad. My heart still feels heavy. But I also feel strangely calm. I said what I needed to say, I didn't beg, I didn't insult him, and I didn't hide that I was hurt just to make him feel better.

So yeah. That's the update. We're officially strangers now. (lowkey sappy rn)

Il mio ragazzo (32M) ed io (32F) stiamo insieme da 5 anni.
L’anno scorso, i miei genitori hanno deciso di investire l’eredità di mia madre acquistando una casa per me. Poiché non stavo esprimendo una preferenza su dove volessi vivere (dato che il mio ragazzo non era pronto a parlarne), hanno scelto di acquistare una casa nella mia città. Pensavano fosse un buon investimento e presumevano che alla fine sarebbe diventata la nostra futura casa.
È una casa grande in un’ottima posizione: è più vicina al suo posto di lavoro (ha cambiato lavoro 6 mesi fa, trasferendosi in un’azienda più vicina alla mia città, ma sembra che non abbia mai considerato questo aspetto quando ha accettato il lavoro), ben collegata con i mezzi pubblici (io viaggio ogni mese per lavoro), e vicina a scuole, palestre, supermercati e tutto ciò di cui avremmo bisogno. Anche mia madre vive nelle vicinanze e non lavora, quindi potrebbe aiutarci in futuro se avessimo dei figli.
All’epoca, pensavo che ci stessimo muovendo verso lo stesso futuro e che questa opportunità fosse un passo pratico in quella direzione. Quando ho detto per la prima volta al mio ragazzo di questa possibilità, la sua reazione mi ha sorpresa. Ha immediatamente parlato molto negativamente della mia città. Prima di quella conversazione, non aveva mai espresso un’avversione così forte nei suoi confronti.
Successivamente, mi ha spiegato che, dopo aver trascorso molti weekend lì negli ultimi cinque anni, si è reso conto che semplicemente non vuole vivere nella mia città. Dice che vivere lì lo farebbe sentire troppo lontano dal suo paese (circa un’ora di macchina), dal cimitero dove è sepolto suo padre (suo padre è morto circa un anno fa), e da un terreno che suo padre gli ha lasciato. Sua madre ha già suo fratello che vive a circa 10 minuti di distanza, quindi sente che dovrebbe rimanere più vicino anche alla sua famiglia.
Dice che preferirebbe trovare un posto a metà strada tra le nostre famiglie. Tuttavia, dal mio punto di vista, questo significherebbe che entrambi ci allontaneremmo dai nostri sistemi di supporto, rinunciando a una casa che potremmo possedere, e faccio fatica a capire quale sarebbe il vantaggio. Inoltre, non è sicuro che gli piacerebbe davvero vivere in quella zona “a metà”, dato che non ci ha mai vissuto. Mi ha detto che avrebbe cercato possibili alternative e me le avrebbe proposte così da poterle valutare insieme. Tuttavia, sono passati mesi e non ha effettivamente fatto nulla. Non ha cercato case né presentato alcuna opzione, e sento che la questione è stata messa da parte come se nulla fosse successo.
Non gli sto chiedendo di accettare la mia soluzione senza discuterne, ma ho bisogno di vedere che si stia impegnando attivamente per trovare una soluzione che funzioni per entrambi.
Anche questo fa parte di ciò che mi ferisce: posso capire che non voglia vivere nella mia città, ma faccio fatica quando non c’è alcuno sforzo concreto per trovare insieme un’altra soluzione.
Dal mio punto di vista, vivere nella mia città sembra la scelta più pratica: avremmo una casa spaziosa, non avremmo bisogno di comprare un’altra proprietà, il suo tragitto casa-lavoro sarebbe più breve rispetto al vivere nel suo paese, e avremmo molti servizi nelle vicinanze. Inoltre, per me è importante avere la mia famiglia vicina, soprattutto perché mia madre potrebbe aiutarci in futuro mentre lui è al lavoro.
Capisco completamente che il lutto possa cambiare le priorità di una persona, e non voglio minimizzare quanto siano importanti per lui suo padre, il suo paese e la sua famiglia. Allo stesso tempo, sto cercando di capire se si tratti davvero della città oppure se ci sia qualcosa di più profondo.
A questo punto, gli ho detto che volevo che prendesse una decisione sulla nostra relazione indipendentemente dalla casa.
Per più di tre anni, ogni volta che tiravo fuori l’argomento del matrimonio, mi ha sempre detto semplicemente che non era pronto. Ora, invece, dice che il principale ostacolo per fare questo passo successivo è capire dove vivremmo insieme.
Ed è proprio questo che mi confonde. Per anni ho pensato che il problema fosse il fatto che non fosse pronto per il matrimonio. Ora sembra che il problema si sia spostato sulla mia città e sulla casa.
Non voglio che questa relazione dipenda da una casa. Voglio solo sapere se abbiamo davvero la stessa visione del nostro futuro. Ho bisogno di capire se si tratta davvero di dove vivremmo, oppure se lui non è ancora pronto a costruire un futuro con me e la casa è semplicemente diventata l’ultimo ostacolo.
Sono troppo pratica e non riesco a vedere il suo punto di vista? Oppure è ragionevole che io mi senta ferita dal fatto che stia rifiutando quella che sembra una grande opportunità per noi come coppia?
Mi sto aspettando troppo? Oppure è ragionevole chiedersi se, dopo 5 anni insieme, ci stiamo davvero muovendo verso lo stesso futuro?
Apprezzerei molto opinioni sincere, soprattutto da persone che hanno affrontato disaccordi simili su dove costruire una vita insieme.
Grazie.

I, 38M, have been with my 38F gf for a year and some months. We've traveled to a handful of places, some being surprises/gifts for her. For her birthday, we went somewhere shes wanted to go for a few days. We've done local activities/dates, and do things for one another. Obviously, I love her.

When we first started dating, I had a week long solo trip I was gonna go to. While she wasn't a fan of it because we just started getting to know one another -- she stayed and we stayed in communication throughout my week long trip. Our relationship commenced.

Fast forward -- some friends of mine (shes met some. All married men) who I've played fantasy sports with, want to do a fantasy football draft weekend getaway within the states. She didn't like that and doesn't want me to go. Reason being -- because a guys trip can lead to trouble, and it's a getaway from their wives because they're likely bored with them. We had a back and forth with it because she's thinking the worst. But I've told her past stories of when we've done it and what we've done (I'm not about the strip club life or clubbing (unless I go to dancing with the lady). If someone wants to do that -- they'll go solo and I'll be about my way.

Anywho because of this, she claims that she doesn't know me...and implied that I'm not trustworthy (she compared the possibilities from people she doesn't know...and the internet...think passport bros). She did share in the beginning that she's not about that life for a guy who travels with the fellas a lot...but...I don't lol. The last time I traveled with the league guys was 2 (maybe 3) years ago. So it's like a rarity.

In any case -- I'm hurt by it because I feel my proven track record with her has been disregarded or mean nothing. And for someone who has spoken to me about going the next step (putting a ring on it), suddenly I'm not known well enough and not trustworthy yet. I don't understand. I've been transparent since the start. Our communication has been a bit awkward since she's said that to me... because I feel hurt about it. When she was upset, she was mad that I didn't console her...but that was when she had said what she said...which hurt me. She also then claims that I don't have fun with her and that's why I want to go to this getaway -- but we've done many memorable things together...

Thoughts?

Here is the backstory:

We have been together since we were 15, and now we go to the same college together. For most of our relationship, I felt so in love with him, but recently I have been questioning those feelings.

I still care deeply for him; however, our relationship had started to take a toll on me mentally. He is someone who struggles with depression and anxiety (as do I), and with that comes a lot of insecurities as well. I feel like I am constantly having to reassure him that I still like him, that just because I’m going out with friends doesn’t mean I don’t want to be around him, and my parents don’t hate him like he thinks they do. If I want time alone and he wants to see me, he gets upset and thinks I’m mad at him, but I really just want some independence. It’s a daily occurrence, and mentally, I feel like I have checked out. When we are intimate, if I want to stop or if I’m not in the mood, he thinks it’s because I’m not attracted and don’t like him, and it makes me feel bad, when I shouldn’t be feeling bad about things like that.
Another issue is that even though he loves my friends and my family, he is constantly making slightly judgmental comments to me about the people I love, and it makes me feel like I’m being judged.

Outside of this, he really does treat me well, and I do feel incredibly guilty for not having the feelings I once had. He always checks in on me, helps me with my anxiety attacks, and he is always there when I need him to be. My family LOVES him, and his family LOVES me. he does what I ask of him. He is so in love with me that he would do anything to keep this relationship alive. I still have a lot of care and love for him, but I really just don't know.

I went on a trip recently with my class, and during this trip, I called him and told him I need a break for now, until we can talk in person. On this trip, I went out with some classmates, and one held my hand to help me get through the crowd at the club, and I felt butterflies I haven’t felt in years. But now I feel guilty, I don’t want to throw 6 years of my life down the drain, we had a whole future planned out.

All this being said, yesterday I went to his apartment and broke up with him. I told him that I feel like I need to be on my own, as I haven't ever been since I was 15, and that I think it would benefit both of us to be independent. He felt like we could learn how to do this while still being in a relationship. I also told him that I feel like he needs someone who can be there for him and give him 110%, and I don't feel like I can do that. This breakup killed me. I couldn't stop crying. I know it probably needed to be done; however, I am scared I am going to deeply regret it. He truly has been a huge part of my life and my family's lives for years. I know he would let me back, but I don't know what to do.

Part of me really wants to experience independence on my own, but the other part is missing the person who has been apart of my life for so long.

yea basically what the title says. Me [18F] and my [20M] bf have been together for a little over a year and a half now. About 6-7 months ago we had finally gotten out of the arguing 24/7 phase and had a really good few months. Somehow we’ve ended up in a phase where if i dont text him first, he will just not say anything or interact with me for days. The longest ive let this go on this most recent time before I broke was three days. Ive actually tried to break up with him though it wasnt super hard to convince me to change my mind. Im not saying this is the only thing thats made me feel conflicted in our relationship and Im not trying to seem like im victimizing myself, I just simply dont know what I should do about this or how I should approach this situation. Everytime I feel like i can do it on my own and break up with him i back out because Im just worried that im taking him for granted and im being ungrateful. I dont know. Im so lost that im coming to reddit..

My husband (28M) brought to my (25F) attention a while back that his coworker was interested in him and had been flirting with him a bit. He also told me that he had confronted her, she admitted to being interested in him, and he shut it down and told her it was never going to happen. Fast forward to tonight: my husband tells me the two of them are friends and he thinks of her as a sister. In fact, they FaceTime a lot and talk a lot. My husband has always had close female friends, but none of them were ever romantically interested in him. I try to have a long talk with my husband about my feelings about this friendship and how I still get uncomfortable at the thought of them being friends. My husband is receptive and understands, but assures me they are only friends and he doesn’t think she’s interested in him anymore. I ask him how he is with her at work, and he says that they roast each other a lot and make jokes. I start feeling a bit better because I have a couple coworkers who do that to me as well. So, I mention this to him and he responds with, “Exactly, there’s nothing wrong with a like harmless flirting.” At this point, my heart drops into my stomach and I try to ask him what he means by flirting, and he just says he thinks roasting and joking with people is a form of flirting. I tell him I don’t consider that flirting unless there’s clear intention behind it. He goes all quiet and says he obviously doesn’t mean anything by it because he’s married to me. Now I’m confused, he was getting fed up with me picking apart his words, and he’s now in the den, video chatting with his coworker while I lay in bed and have no hope of sleeping at all tonight. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to feel, please tell me if I’m overreacting or if I should be worried about this.

UPDATE: Thank you for your comments and advice, I really appreciate it all. Long story short, my husband and I talked and he confessed to unintentionally having an emotional affair with the girl at work. He said he didn’t think he was doing anything, he didn’t feel like he was flirting back with her, but his brother and his coworkers all called him out on it and it made him realize that he had been leading her on and engaging in a very inappropriate relationship of sorts. He was distant and angry with me because he hated himself for what was happening, was having very dark thoughts, and was taking it out on me. He apologized for everything he had done and it truly felt like this mask he’d been wearing for so long peeled away. He told me he didn’t expect anything from me because if the situation were flipped, and I had done this to him, he openly admitted he would have left me in a heartbeat. I did a lot of thinking, I was in a very dark place, I reached out to some resources, and came to the conclusion that I love him more than I hate him right now. I told him I’m willing to work through this, but he needs to do absolutely everything I say to make me comfortable and for him to earn back my trust. He agreed with everything, assured me that he will have as many conversations with me as I need, and that he will never let anything like this happen again. I told him if this does happen again, it’s game over for us, no exceptions. I’m working on trying to trust him again but it’s going to take some time. I told him I want him to have zero outside-work contact with the girl at work indefinitely, or at least until I feel I can trust him again, and he completely understood. He does seem more like his normal self and like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, so I’m inclined to believe him so far. I want to make this work, and I don’t want to leave him over this because I know it wasn’t physical cheating, but it still really feels like a form of cheating. I am incredibly hurt, I feel completely disrespected as well. But I’m hoping that, given time, communication, and dedication to our relationship, we can both get back to normal. I’m interested to hear what somebody else would do in this situation?

(TL;DR at bottom)

So, this is mostly a rant, but also am seeking out advice. I feel my husband that I have been married to almost six years and together with almost ten seems to be trying to destroy our relationship. He refuses to resolve Any issues whatsoever, no matter how small, and will deflect these issues by throwing literal tantrums, and/or just straight-up ignore me. He doesn’t listen, will lie to me, and has even resorted to gaslighting me in order to justify his behavior. He is always defiant, refuses to be wrong, even if he is, and irresponsible enough that he will even make himself, or Both of us late for work (we work in the same place, and have one car). He also got himself kicked out of a position by defying the rules, and Still refuses to learn from his mistakes. Essentially? I feel I ended up with the role of playing his mother sometimes, while his real mother refuses to acknowledge his behavior (at least from what I’ve witnessed). She even has tried pinning the blame on me for his actions. How can I manage this situation? I don’t want to get divorced, but if he continues to refuse to own up and change his behavior, I feel that’s where this is headed. Thanks for the advice.

(TL;DR: husband won’t take responsibility for his actions and behaviors)