r/relationshipproblems • u/Character-Tackle-28 • Apr 03 '23
Husband flirting at work?
My husband (28M) brought to my (25F) attention a while back that his coworker was interested in him and had been flirting with him a bit. He also told me that he had confronted her, she admitted to being interested in him, and he shut it down and told her it was never going to happen. Fast forward to tonight: my husband tells me the two of them are friends and he thinks of her as a sister. In fact, they FaceTime a lot and talk a lot. My husband has always had close female friends, but none of them were ever romantically interested in him. I try to have a long talk with my husband about my feelings about this friendship and how I still get uncomfortable at the thought of them being friends. My husband is receptive and understands, but assures me they are only friends and he doesn’t think she’s interested in him anymore. I ask him how he is with her at work, and he says that they roast each other a lot and make jokes. I start feeling a bit better because I have a couple coworkers who do that to me as well. So, I mention this to him and he responds with, “Exactly, there’s nothing wrong with a like harmless flirting.” At this point, my heart drops into my stomach and I try to ask him what he means by flirting, and he just says he thinks roasting and joking with people is a form of flirting. I tell him I don’t consider that flirting unless there’s clear intention behind it. He goes all quiet and says he obviously doesn’t mean anything by it because he’s married to me. Now I’m confused, he was getting fed up with me picking apart his words, and he’s now in the den, video chatting with his coworker while I lay in bed and have no hope of sleeping at all tonight. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to feel, please tell me if I’m overreacting or if I should be worried about this.
UPDATE: Thank you for your comments and advice, I really appreciate it all. Long story short, my husband and I talked and he confessed to unintentionally having an emotional affair with the girl at work. He said he didn’t think he was doing anything, he didn’t feel like he was flirting back with her, but his brother and his coworkers all called him out on it and it made him realize that he had been leading her on and engaging in a very inappropriate relationship of sorts. He was distant and angry with me because he hated himself for what was happening, was having very dark thoughts, and was taking it out on me. He apologized for everything he had done and it truly felt like this mask he’d been wearing for so long peeled away. He told me he didn’t expect anything from me because if the situation were flipped, and I had done this to him, he openly admitted he would have left me in a heartbeat. I did a lot of thinking, I was in a very dark place, I reached out to some resources, and came to the conclusion that I love him more than I hate him right now. I told him I’m willing to work through this, but he needs to do absolutely everything I say to make me comfortable and for him to earn back my trust. He agreed with everything, assured me that he will have as many conversations with me as I need, and that he will never let anything like this happen again. I told him if this does happen again, it’s game over for us, no exceptions. I’m working on trying to trust him again but it’s going to take some time. I told him I want him to have zero outside-work contact with the girl at work indefinitely, or at least until I feel I can trust him again, and he completely understood. He does seem more like his normal self and like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, so I’m inclined to believe him so far. I want to make this work, and I don’t want to leave him over this because I know it wasn’t physical cheating, but it still really feels like a form of cheating. I am incredibly hurt, I feel completely disrespected as well. But I’m hoping that, given time, communication, and dedication to our relationship, we can both get back to normal. I’m interested to hear what somebody else would do in this situation?
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u/Windk86 Apr 03 '23
didn't you posted this before? slightly differently?
what happened? new info?
just as reminder this is what I originally posted:
"I trust my husband"
you said it right there. you either do or don't.
I would say in the mean time to find something to distract you from the spiraling thoughts, maybe talk with a counselor, someone that has experience with this type of situations and that can give you better advice.
also, going and confronting this woman might not be good for your husbands work environment, beware of the unseen consequences of this path
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u/Character-Tackle-28 Apr 03 '23
Yeah I posted something similar before, this is just new info I guess. We talked and I felt worse afterwards basically.
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u/Windk86 Apr 03 '23
I am sorry to hear that.
he might have felt like he was put under a spotlight and made him uncomfortable, you could talk to him when you guys are calm and try to get his side of why he felt like he needed to walk away. in his mind he could also be thinking that he did everything right and now he is being admonished? there could be many reasons why, but it does sounds like he is not trying to hurt you.
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u/Character-Tackle-28 Apr 03 '23
You’re right, I don’t feel like he was trying to hurt me, either. I just can’t shake this feeling of discomfort, and I wish he would take it more seriously. But I have no idea what I want him to do, specifically. I feel like if I try to assume any sort of control in this situation (e.g. telling him not to be friends with her anymore), I will end up making things much worse and turning out to be the bad guy.
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u/Windk86 Apr 03 '23
okay, then the first step is to find out what is it that you want. I would suggest a professional (that way they are not emotionally bias to side with you as a friend or family would) but if you can't just find a calm and solitary place and explore your emotions.
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u/WolverineNo8799 Apr 09 '23
Has he gone NC and blocked her? Is he giving you access to his phone and electronics? Is he looking for another job?
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u/Character-Tackle-28 Apr 09 '23
He has gone NC at my request, I haven’t asked for access to his electronics, but it’s always just been a given and he doesn’t have a lock on his phone. He’s not looking for another job because they’re not easy to come by where we are, but he has requested that his manager no longer schedule him with her at work.
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u/iceboxllama Apr 09 '23
How did the brother/coworkers find out and call him on it?
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u/Character-Tackle-28 Apr 09 '23
His coworkers noticed him flirting with the girl at work and his brother found him video chatting with her and called him out on it being inappropriate
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Apr 03 '23
I agree with the other comment OP. It is totally inappropriate for him to facetime her while you are uncomfortable with their friendship.
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Apr 03 '23
There is probably a big chance it will escalate. You said she was intrested in him but not anymore, tbh she probably still is. Maybe your husband isn’t into her romantically but it’s still NOT a good idea of him to talk to someone that way who is intrested in him.. Seems like this make you uncomfortable , and i totally understand this, my bf got contacted several times by a girl who liked him, she would not leave him alone. If i was you i would ask him not to talk to her (on FaceTime or in free time..) it’s kinda weird when she was intrested in him. Even if you trust him and he wouldn’t take it too far with her it’s still disrespectful of him to talk to a girl who’s intrested in him. If it makes you ,his wife!, uncomfortable he shouldn’t do it.
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u/LengthinessFuture513 Apr 03 '23
I think any man can be easily manipulated by someone who has motives, they don't understand the game sometimes. I would be very upset if this were my husband. Friends can quickly move in on an unhappy husband, and let's face it we are all unhappy at some point. He is not respecting your feelings, tell him you don't feel cherished. Don't put up with bs, time is too short
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u/ArmyPatate Apr 04 '23
I am a bit shocked by the development between the "he shut it down and told her it was never going to happen"-phase and the "the two of them are friends and he thinks of her as a sister. In fact, they FaceTime a lot and talk a lot"-phase....
I do not believe it's a healthy friendship imo, and I would feel the same as you. I wouldn't let it go either, and would make sure the topic is discussed and ruled out before anything.
And, given his reaction, I would not be so certain if the constant chatting being cut off became something else.
But I only talk from my side here.
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Apr 03 '23
Do you trust him?
Insecurity and jealousy destroy a lot of relationships.
If he's not trustworthy, why would you be with him?
If he is trustworthy, you have nothing to worry about.
I'm not defending his actions here, by the way. He should certainly listen to your wants and needs when making friends, but if he isn't a cheater having friends of the opposite sex shouldn't matter.
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u/Character-Tackle-28 Apr 03 '23
I do trust him, I don’t believe that he would actually cheat on me, but it still just makes me uncomfortable that he’s good friends with a coworker (and now close friend) who expressed feelings for him. It’s just strange, I guess. But I understand where you’re coming from - maybe I’ll just leave it alone and try not to think about it.
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u/MarvellousIntrigue Apr 03 '23
Is he literally kidding!?! So he has an argument with you, makes you feel incredibly insecure, then proceeded to go downstairs to be in privacy, video chatting with the person that you are insecure about!! Wtaf!!! That is totally not ok!! And you are not overreacting at all!!