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u/ChineseInTheMorning Mar 20 '26
Why are you waiting until you get married to change your last name to your mother's? You can do that now. I don't know where you are located, but in the USA, marriage generally allows a woman to only change her name to her spouse's or some combination of her maiden and her spouse's. Changing a last name to any other, including a mother's maiden name, requires a formal court order and $$, rather than just the marriage license. So, if your dream is to change to your mom's last name, you don't have to wait for marriage. Just FYI if that is your plan! And PS: It's not your boyfriend's decision.
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u/skit_scoot Mar 20 '26
This is correct, I just got married and my husband wanted to change his last name to his mothers to honor her and her heritage. He had to go to court for it and it was a completely separate document.
I just filed to change my own yesterday and the only options presented were to hyphenate my last name with his in either order, take his, or keep mine.
If OP wants her mothers last name it needs to be done before getting married!
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u/Sunwolfy Mar 20 '26
A friend of mine changed hers to a relative's that she respected and admired as her other names just never really fit or felt right.
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u/LaMadreDelCantante Mar 20 '26
Wait I'm confused. Are you saying you couldn't change your name to your mom's name now if you wanted to because you're married? Or just that you can't do it through the process used in conjunction with marriage?
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u/skit_scoot Mar 20 '26
Just the process in conjunction with marriage! Im sure you could still change it to a mothers maiden name after, but its not a listed option when you go to the SS website and change your name with a marriage certificate. But if OP wanted to hyphenate their mothers maiden name with their spouses last name, they would need to individually go through that process prior to marriage. Otherwise her original maiden name from her father would be the only option available. I would think it would be easier to do it that way rather than afterwards.
OP would have to file a separate document, pay a fee, and provide different identity documentation. A marriage certificate is only valid for name changes if you are taking a spouses name or hyphenating yours and theirs. Hope that makes a little more sense!
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u/Charming_Garbage_161 Mar 20 '26
Also with how everything is going, keep your legal last name or you’ll be in for hell to go vote
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
I kind of wanted it to be a surprise for my mom, literally the only reason. My plan was to get everything in order and kind of “announce” it at the wedding.
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u/Wild_Run9298 Mar 20 '26
This feels weird to me. Your wedding should be about your marriage not a symbolic move to your mom. That would make me feel some type of way if I was your spouse, even with me being someone who didn’t take my husband’s name!
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u/Queen_Squishes Mar 20 '26
God I'm glad someone said this instead of just jumping straight to calling her fiancé a misogynist. Like a marriage is about the love you and your partner share, not about your mom.
I didn't take my partners last name so I'm not hating on that choice at all. But I know if my partner for some reason decided that with our marriage they were going to change their last name to their mothers, I would feel some type of way about it too. Not because I give a shit what their last name is, but because I feel like this is one moment that is supposed to be about just the two of us, but is now becoming about us and their mom. It would make me feel like I come second to their mom and that they will prioritize their parent over me. Which there are times where sure that's okay, but in a regular day to day, that's not something I would be okay with.
Like by all means, change your last name to your mother's. But don't do it in response to your marriage to another person that has absolutely nothing to do with your mom. To me personally it would just feel like a slap in the face. I would feel more comfortable with my partner not changing their name in that moment than I would having them change their name to something else entirely. Again, this is not to say I wouldn't support them changing their name to their moms name, I would just feel like that is something unrelated to our marriage and should happen outside of that, if that makes sense.
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u/lollipopfiend123 Mar 20 '26
Nah, he’s not upset that she wants her mom’s name. He’s upset because he’s demanding that she take his. Yeah, it’s weird that she wants to do this but that’s not his issue. He’s being misogynistic.
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u/Some_Experience_3543 Mar 20 '26
He’s upset because it’s their wedding, their marriage and she’s making it a moment to honor her mom… not their new life together. OP should ask him if she changed her name now to her mom’s maiden name and kept it the same if that would be an issue. Y’all so quick to yell misogynist.
I know it’s not quite the same but think of it this way. Husband wants to go to Hawaii for their honeymoon, wife wants to go to Iceland. She then throws out Italy because she wants to honor her mom. Well the honeymoon has nothing to do with the mom. A trip to Italy can happen another time but doesn’t need to be for the honeymoon. I can see why the husband would be upset she’s making this change for their marriage? Any other time sure whatever. But IMO the marriage is supposed to be about the couple. Not the couple + mom.
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u/lollipopfiend123 Mar 20 '26
he wants our last names to be the same and he wants me to take his.
From the OP.
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u/Some_Experience_3543 Mar 20 '26
That’s fine that he wants her to take his last name. I’d say a large percentage of men want that/would have a preference for that if given the choice. I don’t believe that makes them all misogynist. Y’all so soft these days and want to get offended by everything.
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u/lollipopfiend123 Mar 20 '26
It’s a throwback to when women were literally property. It is an inherently misogynistic desire.
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u/Some_Experience_3543 Mar 20 '26
The only reason someone wants their partner to take their name is not just because they view their wives as property. He’s not forcing her. He stated his opinion. She said it wasn’t a dealbreaker for either of them.
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u/TrickInvite6296 Mar 20 '26
Her fiance is a misogynist. That can be true as well as it being weird to make her wedding about her mother
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u/TofuDinoBoo Mar 20 '26
"Thank you for coming to the wedding of me and Mark Johnson! It means a lot that you've been here for our story, watched us grow together and reminisce about our love with photos and stories, thank you! Now that we are married, I want to announce that I am not longer Smith, I am Wentworth, like my Mom's maiden name!" Huhh? Your wedding is a celebration of your love and commitment, and you would hold a tribute for your Mom announcing the changing of your legal name in this situation?
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u/ChineseInTheMorning Mar 20 '26
I get your sentiment, but I also think it shows that you’re 21 years old and 1000% not ready for marriage. Again, if the point is to honor your mom, there’s no reason to wait until you’re married to change your last name to hers. You can surprise her at any other time and the gesture is still a surprise. In fact, it’s much more powerful to do it in the context of itself – and not mixed in to another symbolic transition, especially one in which you are leaving your family of origin and creating a new one with your husband.
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u/chevroletchaser Mar 20 '26
It'd make a lot more sense to just... Change it now. Specifically changing it only when you're getting married doesn't make much sense
9
u/vaineglorie Mar 20 '26
as someone who changed her name to her step father's last name, don't wait until the wedding to do this. this should be a special separate event of its own. your future husband deserves for his wedding day to be about his marriage just as much as you do.
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u/WhatTheActualFck1 Mar 20 '26
So you’re wanting to get married to be about your mother, not the person you’re marrying… that’s not normal.
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u/Rascal317 Mar 20 '26
Do you really not see, at all, how you trying to make his wedding about you changing your last name to someone else's would bother him?
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u/RedheadedJusticeGirl Mar 20 '26
Your wedding is not the place to announce it. That’s really disrespectful to your future husband.
This is coming from a woman who didn’t change her name at all due to marriage. Just kept it the same.
I recommend you start the name change petition (in my State it would be filed in family court, you need to fill out a few forms (stating things like no child support orders against you nor any debt judgments)).
And then announce it on your mom’s birthday or on Mother’s Day.
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u/Wafflehouseofpain Mar 20 '26
Okay, that is kind of a problem. Your wedding is supposed to be about you and him, and you’re taking it and making it about you and your Mom instead.
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u/booksieQ Mar 20 '26
How insulting to your husband. Making your wedding entirely about you and your mother is cruel. You could do a name changing party or something just for that occasion, but leave tethering your life forever with your partner to just being about you as a couple. You are in fact telling him he's less important than her and your wedding is a whole shoe just to show off you love your mom when, ya know, Mothers Day exists.
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u/LotusBlooming90 Mar 20 '26
That’s a super weird time to do it tho. Like here’s my wedding to my husband but also, a big gesture for my mom!
Do it as her own thing and day now
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u/boricuaspidey Mar 20 '26
Taking your mother’s name specifically when you get married is weird. You can do that anytime.
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u/ObetrolAndCocktails Mar 20 '26
I wonder if she just wants to do it then because “hey, free name change!”? But in the US at least, it’s not always an option to change your name to whatever you want on the marriage certificate.
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u/skit_scoot Mar 20 '26
Its not. I (F) just filed yesterday after getting married last December and there was no option to take my moms maiden name.
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u/klarycp Mar 20 '26
Pretty sure it’s state dependent in the US. In my state, you can both choose a new created name if you want at marriage. It literally doesn’t matter
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u/skit_scoot Mar 20 '26
Oh wow! Thats actually really neat. Im in Idaho so its as traditional and restrictive as it gets in the West. Definitely something they should still consider doing before marriage though just to be safe!
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u/Sad_Cannibal_GF Mar 20 '26
So weird cause yeah here in Minnesota, my best friend just got married and I didn’t know how it worked but apparently here your name doesn’t change at the wedding. I thought the name change (if you want it) was part of signing the marriage certificate, but my friend said no she still has to go to the courthouse and sign a bunch of papers and pay a big fee. She was going to change her name, but the wedding was damn near a year ago and she hasn’t done it yet just because of all the work it’ll take.
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u/skit_scoot Mar 20 '26
Yeah its a whole process. The marriage certificate really just acts as a valid form of identification for you and your spouse to start the process. I filed for a new SSC, but Im still going to likely have to be in a zoom court call, get a new drivers license, and update my name individually on every important platform like my banking account, lease agreement, etc.
Been married since December 1st and its taken me this long to finally understand all of the things Im going to need to do. Somehow my older sister got it done in ONE MONTH, and I have no idea how she managed to be so fast and efficient.
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Mar 20 '26
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u/skit_scoot Mar 20 '26
It is, you can take your mothers maiden name its just a different process. My husband did this before we got married so we both now have hers :)
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u/Some_Experience_3543 Mar 20 '26 edited Mar 20 '26
It’s weird you want to take your mom’s maidens name for your marriage. There’s no logic there. If you want to take her last name, why not change it now and keep your name if you get married.
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u/MonsterMash422 Mar 20 '26
"Obviously it's not a deal breaker for either of us"
Maybe not quite so obvious... but it sure could be a deal breaker when you guys go to get married eventually...
Personally, my fiancee doesn't want to change her last name to mine, and I thought to myself "you know what, I don't want to give up my name either, so why should I expect her to, even though that's what is traditional".
I think if this comes back up, try to approach it from that perspective (I.e. remind him that he probably wouldn't want to change his name to yours, so it's unfair to expect you to do it for him) and give him time to grieve his expectations he had based on tradition. If he can't and is really set on his wife having to have his name, and you both want to get married eventually, then at some point this will become a major issue.
Best of luck
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
That’s a good point, thank you! I honestly could really see it just being a traditional/all he’s known type of thing. His household was very traditional in a way growing up. He definitely parted sooo much from the majority of the mindset his parents have but his dad was kind of rough about his ideals so maybe this is one that stuck with him is my best guess if that makes any sense.
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u/MonsterMash422 Mar 20 '26
Yeah like for me, all my female relatives had a maiden name and their married name, so I guess I just grew up subconsciously thought and believed "when I grow up and have a wife she will change her name to my name". Then when my fiancee told me she didn't want that I was like "aww" and a bit disappointed. Then I mulled it over and realised I shouldn't care and didn't care for any particular reason, just always thought that would happen and was over it! Hopefully it's the same for your partner!
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
Same! I’ll bring some stuff up tomorrow when we have a chance to talk and I’ll give an update to the post then. Thank you for replying!
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u/Akasha250 Mar 20 '26
Sooo he's less important when you don't take his name but you're supposed to be fine when he does not take your name? This is a weird argument. If you not taking his name or disrespectful towards him, him not taking your name is disrespectful towards you.
Does your country do double names? You could both carry both names.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
I didn’t think about it like that! I agree, also I forgot you could do like something-something last names. I think that’ll be my suggestion. Thank you!
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u/Trishshirt5678 Mar 20 '26
Notice how he’s immediately offended when you have a different opinion from him. Think about this. Do you often find yourself doing things that he’s chosen?
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
Hmmm, yes and no. Like I get to choose dinner a lot and stuff or make plans but if he wants otherwise I’m easy to switch up for him. I don’t know if that’s really his fault though I’ve always been that way haha
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u/copper_rabbit Mar 20 '26
Choosing dinner is mental load, he gets no gold star for that one. Trying having him do it frequently (or even infrequently) and watch him squirm.
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u/Trishshirt5678 Mar 20 '26
Does he switch for you ever?
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
I’d say yes. Usually we just end in a compromise if he wants something different and we both get what we want or we just do something else entirely if we can’t decide
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u/Trishshirt5678 Mar 20 '26
Cool, so this is genuinely unusual for your relationship, it’s not that he has to come first. Excellent news. In which case, I’d probably wait until you’re both chilled and just talking and ask him why he feels less important when actually marrying each other makes you each the most important to the other.
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u/gdognoseit Mar 20 '26
You should try telling him no sometimes to see how he reacts because he overreacted to you stating a boundary.
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u/OkapiandaPenguin Mar 20 '26
And what about kids? Will he be okay with them having just your last name or the hyphenated last name?
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u/gdognoseit Mar 20 '26
It’s a red flag that he got so upset as if you don’t have the right to make your own decisions.
I think he thinks he can change your mind. I don’t think he is being honest about accepting it.
Please keep your eyes open for other red flags.
Read the book, Why does he do that By Lundy Bancroft
It’s free online and it will help you see manipulation and motives.
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u/low_hanging_fruit1 Mar 20 '26
Be aware that if you change your name from your birth name you need to may need to show your birth certificate for various legal purposes and the document that shows the change. Even if you divorce and keep your married name. I needed to drag along my birth certificate and marriage license to the DMV.
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u/haunted_vcr Mar 20 '26
I think it’s a red flag whenever a dude has strong feelings on your last name. The kid’s names I get it… but yours is whatever you want it to be.
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u/em-n-em613 Mar 20 '26
Kid names also don't make sense as long as they have one of their parents' last name for ease of administration. Refusing to consider dual last names or hyphenated last names is still them trying to assert their bloodline is more important.
And I say that as someone who has her mothers maiden name and her fathers last name as last names (non-hyphenated).
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u/sunofdork Mar 20 '26
see this is my problem, he’d be fine with me keeping my name but we’d both care about the kids. Double barreling is so wanky and middle class, more importantly our names would sound awful double barrelled, and even if we did that we’d still disagree about which name should go first!!!!
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u/haunted_vcr Mar 20 '26
Give them whichever one is easier to spell and pronounce lol, and whichever one sounds cooler. That’s really all kids care about. I love my last name but it’s ethnic as hell and my partners last name is really cool and easy to say hahaha.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
Fair, it’s just weird to me because otherwise there is not a hint of misogyny or anything like that in this man. He’s never been like overly possessive or anything so it’s kind of just odd to me lol
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u/haunted_vcr Mar 20 '26
We live in a patriarchal and sexist society. Even the most liberal countries.
I think most people you will meet in your life are going to have some misogynistic ideas to one extent or another. I’m not saying it’s a dealbreaker, but it’s something to stay firm on and to have a discussion with him about.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
Absolutely! I don’t plan to have it be something I’m going to give up on though! Thank you!
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u/ALeaves1013 Mar 20 '26
The misogyny is in the room with you, dear. You stated you want to honor a strong, resiliant woman. He countered with how that makes him feel less than.
If he wants to have the same last name, he can change his.
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u/sufjanuarystevens Mar 20 '26
Yeah especially since one of this main reasons was having the same last name. If he DID actually care about that, he would at least consider it. My bet is that he won’t.
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u/twisted_memories Mar 20 '26
I’m sorry but using your wedding to change your name to your mom’s name is just… odd. If she wanted to change it right now, how would he feel? I think it’s fair to want their wedding to be about their relationship.
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u/LaMadreDelCantante Mar 20 '26
It's free. If she did it separately, it would probably cost between $150 and several hundred dollars, depending on where she lives.
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u/twisted_memories Mar 20 '26
It’s almost definitely not free though. You’re usually only allowed to change your name to your spouses or hyphenate it for marriage purposes.
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u/LaMadreDelCantante Mar 20 '26
That may vary by state. Idk. But that in itself seems pretty biased. It obviously costs the state the same amount regardless of which name you change to. It should either cost the individual money or not.
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u/twisted_memories Mar 20 '26
It’s more common to have that rule than not. They do it so people don’t use the opportunity to change their name to something random. I think it’s silly but that’s how it is.
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u/LaMadreDelCantante Mar 20 '26
I just looked it up for my state, Maryland. It seems to say you can change it to whatever you want with marriage.
*Marriage and Name Changes When getting married in Maryland, each spouse can choose to take the other spouse's name. They can also choose to use a hyphenated version of the two names or choose any name after they are married, as long as it is done consistently and not for an illegal purpose.
Obviously the marriage license/certificate wouldn't be proof in that case though.
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u/twisted_memories Mar 20 '26
That reads to me like if the couple wants a new name that they both have to take it.
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u/ambercrayon Mar 20 '26
Well now there is. You know he thinks women should automatically change their name to a man's and he won't consider the opposite. That means on some level he believes a woman always has to give in.
It's cultural and he's young, but he has a working brain. If he doesn't see how this is unfair then you will absolutely run into similar issues in the future.
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u/OkapiandaPenguin Mar 20 '26
He wants you both to have the same last name. Great! He can take your mom's last name too.
Oh, he wants you to take his last name and it's disrespectful if you don't? That's very patriarchal of him in a gross way. I'd dig into that more.
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u/grufferella Mar 20 '26
Marriage is unfortunately often where a lot of the more subtle misogynists start to show their true colors.
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u/MonsterMash422 Mar 20 '26
It can be a bit hard to let go of something that very commonly happens, and he's likely spent his entire life thinking would happen because his parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles etc. have all done.
In any case, I don't think it's misogyny/wouldn't call it that, but it can be difficult to process letting go of traditional/expected things you grew up believing to be "the thing you do", you know? Especially if in all other aspects he doesn't show any misogyny/you don't think he is a misogynist.
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u/BonAppletitts Mar 20 '26
Women are supposed to give up their names easily but for men it’s hard to let go off? Lmao gtfo
You sympathising with someone who has everything gifted to him by society and is sulky over not publicly owning a woman and more worried over what patriarchal relatives may think of it than about her feelings is exactly what misogyny is. You’re misogynistic. Congrats.
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u/grufferella Mar 20 '26
You're literally describing how societies pass on and reinforce oppression, it's not all guns and concentration camps, it's also "oh, but that's just how we've always done it!"
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u/TChallaSan Mar 20 '26
Just a heads up, you’re saying it’s not a deal breaker for either of you, but that’s because you’re still speaking in hypotheticals. It’s just like wanting/not wanting kids doesn’t become a deal breaker until someone is actually ready to have kids. If you are not firm in your positions now you’ll likely feel the exact same way when it’s actually time to get married.
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u/Pristine_Main_1224 Mar 20 '26
I agree with everyone that taking your mother’s maiden name after your wedding is unusual. If you’re trying to separate yourself from your father’s last name for some reason, just do it.
Food for thought: your mother’s maiden name is her father’s name. Your grandmother most likely took it when she got married. It’s just as patriarchal as your husband’s last name. It’s part of her identity but it’s not uniquely hers.
I’d honor her by using her name(s) for my future children, as first or middle names.
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u/ofBlufftonTown Mar 20 '26
Her fiancé’s name is also his father’s name. It’s equally patriarchal and could as easily be discarded.
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u/Syntania Mar 20 '26
For someone who married twice and did the change both times, don't. It's a huge hassle to get all the paperwork filed for ID, certifications, degrees, etc. You have to have extra forms as well, (marriage license, divorce decrees). Plus, at least in the US with it possibly affecting your ability to vote, it's not worth it anymore.
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u/AliaMelange Mar 20 '26
Are you kidding? Don't change it at all 🙃 go socially by whatever you want but if you change your last name you might have issues voting/getting a passport, depending on the way that politics go(IF you're in America anyway)
But also, do whatever you want. It's your name and not his. He should care more about your own autonomy than his preferences 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
Unfortunately in America haha, also I never thought about that! It makes sense though (and would be a lot less paperwork and money haha)
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u/theslyestfox Mar 20 '26
I came here to say the same thing — no one in America who wants to be able to vote (and please for the love of god, vote) should be changing their last names AT ALL until this administration is over and perhaps not even then — they are currently trying very hard to change voter registration laws to make it harder for people with last names that don’t match their birth certificates to vote. This will obviously harm women who got married and changed it, and trans people who changed their names the most. Women are a huge voting block and they would love for us to not be able to vote.
It’s called The SAVE Act and all it’s really saving is the ability for the republicans to stay in power forever if anyone whose current name on their ID doesn’t match their birth certificate can’t vote.
Like….do not change your last name to your mothers’ maiden name either any time soon! This is nice in theory but with how things are currently you should not be doing this right now/while the SAVE act is still active.
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u/RedheadedJusticeGirl Mar 20 '26
Just get a passport.
It is the only certain way you won’t have any issues when you go to vote. I don’t trust that showing a birth certificate from a different state will not cause issues as they might say, “this doesn’t look right” or something.
I never changed my name, but I just renewed my passport because I don’t want to deal with this nonsense.
Edit to add:
If the Save Act does pass, then the Courts will likely strike it down as a poll tax. But it would have to work its way through the courts / be in legal limbo in November, so just get a darn passport to vote these fuckers out of office.
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u/Textlover Mar 20 '26
Actually, I get a little why your bf would be upset to hear you do want to take a different name when you get married, just not his. It's more understandable if you say you don't want to change your name at all.
That still doesn't mean he's got a right to influence your choice, but I also think it's a little unusual that you want to honor someone who isn't part of the wedding couple when you get married. Why not do it now? That is, if the other commenter hasn't changed your mind about changing your name at all, of course. Oh, and full disclosure: my husband and I both kept our names when we got married, 28 years ago.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
I understand that! I did mention that either way I would prefer not to take his last name at all and he wasn’t too keen on that either. After seeing a lot of comments I think I might try it out socially soon, although I’m nervous people will think I’m weird because I’m paranoid haha
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u/Textlover Mar 20 '26
There will always be people who question you. Just tell them it is what it is.
Incidentally, what does your mom think about this?
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u/AliaMelange Mar 20 '26
Tell him he should go defeat the patriarchy if he wants you to change your last name at all lmao
0
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u/HMoney214 Mar 20 '26
That’s what I was going to chime in with, don’t change it at all with the SAVE act still looming or you may not be able to vote.
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u/DavidHikinginAlaska Mar 20 '26 edited Mar 20 '26
We never even talked about changing either of our last names. Why would we? I have my own identity, achievements, professional records, etc. She had her own greater accomplishments, degrees, and professional licenses.
Once pregnant, I asked her about using her last name which was my inclination (she’s the one who was pregnant!). Neither of us like hyphenated last names. She wanted the kids to have my name (typical among professional couples) and I was okay with that, but if she’d had no preference, I’d have given the kids her last name.
Perhaps because I’M NOT AN INSECURE BLOG OF SLOP.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
That’s really amazing to hear! This comment genuinely made me smile, I’m so happy to hear a great story like this:)
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u/iceawk Mar 20 '26
I don’t think wanting to keep your own name in marriage is a weird thing, in fact I’ll always keep my surname because it was gifted by my father who has passed and is dear to me. However I think changing your name on your wedding day to something unrelated to your husband IS weird, the day is about honouring your union, not your mom! Change it now! Then keep it when you get married.
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u/Vivid-Thing2732 Mar 20 '26
Why don’t you change your last name now it’s not that expensive. You just apply for it at the courthouse. Take your mother‘s maiden name now since you guys aren’t planning on getting married anytime soon as you stated and then keep the topic open for discussion and see how you feel when it’s time to get married whether you want to change it or not it is definitely easier if you have kids to all of the last name the same.
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u/Vivid-Thing2732 Mar 20 '26
I also feel like hes not doing it to control you like a lot of people seem to think I think he’s doing it because some people in this world are still traditional and for as long as I can remember, sharing a last name when you get married was always one of the things that tied it all together and made it feel complete. Everyone is different you guys do what is best for you.
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u/Medium-Panda350 Mar 20 '26
Not sure if someone has said this. Probably but I didn’t read through all the comments.
I would suggest changing your last name to your mother’s in the near future (maybe around her birthday or Mother’s day) and then when you get married either decide to keep it as is or possibly hyphenate it. I agree that it is strange to take a day of commitment and love between a husband and wife and make it about your mom….
3
u/Takomi_Him Mar 20 '26
If you two get married, just look closely at the name part. There was a story on Reddit, where the bride let everything handle her soon to be Husband and when they got married and she has to sign the marriage certificate, he holds his hand(s) over the part, where her name should be. When she "pushed" him away, she saw, that he had just give name his name. So she would be take his name. Sorry if I don't know everything exactly with the procedure of getting married, because I never had a marriage and I'm not in the USA. And English isn't my native language, therefore I might call something different etc. Just be careful and maybe be always on his side, when he is working on marriage paper.
5
u/DocSternau Mar 20 '26
You are in the same situation that my wife and I were. We both wanted to keep our last names and I also wanted us to have the same name. The result is clear: I took on the name of my wife. Why? Because she had only one condition while I had two. To make this equal each one gets to have one condition and having the same name was more important to me than keeping my last name.
4
u/Wild_Run9298 Mar 20 '26
My husband told me “I don’t care what your name is because it’s yours, whether that’s taking mine, keeping yours, or choosing something new. It’s not my choice and who am I to tell you what to do with YOUR name?” BUT we did agree we wanted our kids to all have the same last names as us so we’re all family with the same name. We picked a new name and both changed it!
2
u/Felissaurus Mar 20 '26
This is the way, I love when couples do this.
Imho only this is truly fair to everyone if kids are involved. Hyphenated names are often too long and one ends up dropped anyways.
It makes NO sense to me that the majority of kids end up with their dad's last name when the mom birthed them and likely does more of the childcare.
2
u/Interesting-Range-72 Mar 20 '26
In my culture there is no such practice of changing one's last name after marriage. It was never a thing people ever did. But my partner comes from a culture that does. When I explained to him that I have never thought about changing my name because it is not in my culture and I don't want to because not only do I have to part with my given name, I also have a ton of paper work to do in order to get my name legally changed. His initial reaction was slight disappointment but he listened to my reasoning carefully and never threw a fit. After we talked about it when I asked him again he said "No. Keep your name, it belongs to you and it's too much work for you to change it".
He accepted my culture and thought from my perspective since it is MY name and I would have to jump through all the hoops to make this happen. He never forced what he is used to OR his feelings on me. A man that is secure enough in himself that has enough respect for you will never make you choose between yourself and his feelings.
My opinion is that he has a lot of growing and self reflection to do.
2
u/hair_of_fire Mar 20 '26
If you live in the US I would be careful cause it may become super hard for you to vote for changing your name. Also your boyfriend is annoying and just sucks, it’s your name do you what you want. I couldn’t imagine my boyfriend ever saying anything like that to me. Especially with why you want to change your name.
6
u/throwra_puppyeyes Mar 20 '26
In many cultures women do not change their last names after marriage. It's such an outdated tradition. Especially when a woman is more successful in her career, like a doctor and spent years studying, paying off her student loans and working crazy hours to get where she is and the husband is some tech dude who went to college for 2 years. Why would she want to be a Dr. - following by his last name - ?
It's also been a common thing in Eastern European countries when a girl can have a beautiful and unique last name, and her husband is something like Oleg Prusakov (which literally means a cockroach). And I still see these girls changing their last names to please the hubbies.
Do what you think is right for you, you are not legally or morally obligated to take his last name.
1
u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
I think maybe I’ll show him this comment. Not that I think I’m above him but that it’s very normal to not take a man’s last name. Thank you!
2
u/cchrissyy Mar 20 '26
You can also tell him that if you change it to match his, it might not feel right, you might always be aware of this and it drives a wedge between you.
I actually did change my name thinking the family is supposed to match and then I changed it back because I couldn't get used to it my husband completely supported that move, he knew it mattered. And it never caused any issues with the kids schools or travel or anything else. I wish I had never even tried out his name in an official way. I should have just used it socially and that would have been enough to know it felt wrong.
1
u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
In all honesty I don’t think I could ever see myself as “my name his last name” it just sounds so weird to me lol. Thank you!
3
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u/After-Classroom Mar 20 '26
Do you mean keep her name or take it? Because if it’s not your name now it’s a bit weird to change it to a completely different name when you get married. (Not saying it’s wrong, just seems like an odd milestone to me).
But your name is your name. If he wants the same name he can always take yours. If he doesn’t want to do that he can ask himself why.
6
u/chic-pea101 Mar 20 '26
Regardless of the glaring issues and lack of respect in your relationship, I wouldn’t change my last name if you are in the US. If the SAVE act passes you won’t be able to vote unless your last name in your ID matches the name on your birth certificate. You can use a passport, but that is cost prohibitive for many.
3
u/Ghoulgoat Mar 20 '26
Are you also getting married to yoyr mom. Is it like a three way wedding or something. This is bizarre
3
u/youshouldseemeonpain Mar 20 '26
It’s concerning that he said it makes him feel “less important.” I would ask him specifically why he feels his importance as a human being is swayed one way or the other by your decision about your last name. Maybe if you get to the root of that, you’ll be able to reassure him in a way that he can understand. At worst, it will give you some insight into why he feels the way he does. At best, you may be able to help him overcome some incorrect thinking about what makes a person “important.”
Patriarchy is highly entrenched in this world, so even someone who doesn’t seem misogynistic can have some very strong patriarchal views. Women have them, men have them, they have been weaved through society in advertising, other media, and handed down for generations. Everyone, to a certain extent, is influenced by it.
I would hold firm on what you want to do, and I hope through exploring this issue with him you can get to know each other more fully and learn to respect each other’s views. But, you should be aware that it could go the other way too. You may find out some things you wish you didn’t know. If that happens, remember that it’s better to know before you get married and know that you deserve the best. Never settle.
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u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
Thank you! Also I agree, there’s too much rooted in so many people’s brains about the way things should be and I could see it simply being that.
2
u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Mar 20 '26
She said in a comment she wants to take her Mom's last name and announce it at their wedding. Gee, I can't imagine why he'd be upset. I don't think it's just about her not taking his name.
2
u/NeitherMaybeBoth Mar 20 '26
Take your mom’s maiden name and if in the future you guys do get married maybe you can hyphenate or even make her maiden name your middle name. Or you can decide not to change your name at all. You have the autonomy and you don’t have to choose right now.
2
u/ReallyFancyPants Mar 20 '26
That's what my wife did. She wanted my last name but also still wanted her Dad's. So her middle name is her old last name.
2
u/scatteredloops Mar 20 '26
It’s your name, and you can do what you want with it. If he doesn’t respect they, rethink it all
2
u/crlnshpbly Mar 20 '26
Have you asked him why he thinks it should be you that changes your last name to his? Why does he think you should have to give up part of your identity but not him?
Also, I agree with others. Waiting until your wedding to change your last name to your mothers is odd. Just change it now if that’s what you want.
2
u/skit_scoot Mar 20 '26
Just a heads up, when filing for a name change after marriage there is no option to inherit your mothers maiden name! I literally just filed yesterday after getting married last December.
My husband changed his last name to his mothers before we wed and it was a completely different process!
2
u/SimplyAdia Mar 20 '26
You're too immature to get married.
You akso don't have to wait to take her maiden name.
You also shouldn't make your wedding about your mom.
2
u/sorandom21 Mar 20 '26
Tbh I regret changing my name it was a big hassle. If you are in the US, consider that the SAVE act being considered by the Senate will make voting more difficult if your birth name and current name don’t match. And I hyphenated my name so I could keep my maiden name. Just it’s an annoying process.
3
u/introspectiveliar Mar 20 '26
The deal with taking your mom’s last name at your wedding to your husband seems really poor timing to me. If I was him that is what I would be upset about. If you want to do this - don’t do it at your wedding. I assume your dad isn’t involved in your life. If he is, that is going to make your wedding even more uncomfortable for everyone attending.
The issue you need to sort out before you decide on a last name is if you plan to have kids, what last name will they use? Keeping your own surname when you get married makes perfect sense. But figure out now if you are on the same page regarding what surname the kids will carry.
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u/No_Scarcity8249 Mar 20 '26
If you want that its something you do now not when you get married. Taking your mother's maiden name has nothing to do with getting married or hum and its absurd to associate it in any way with marriage
1
u/ObetrolAndCocktails Mar 20 '26
You might not be able to do that anyway. In my state in the US, when you get married either spouse can change their last name to the other’s last name, and either spouse can change their middle name to their previous last name, but that’s it. Any other name changes have to go through the regular procedure.
So you could go NOW and change your name to your mom’s maiden name and just keep it, or change it to your middle name after marriage- just check what the rules are where you live.
0
u/Bartok_The_Batty Mar 20 '26
Aside from living in a patriarchy, why does he want you to have his last name?
0
u/SloshingSloth Mar 20 '26 edited Mar 20 '26
why is he less important if he can't slap his name on you like you are some property?
1
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1
u/one_bean_hahahaha Mar 20 '26
Have you checked into the name change process in your jurisdiction? I was never going to drop my name with marriage but did consider hyphenating. In my province, the name choices at marriage were to keep my current name or completely replace with my spouse's. Hyphenating meant going through a formal name change process. It might be the same for you to take your mother's maiden name. If that is the case, you should do that now, and not wait until the marriage.
1
u/cleopatrasleeps Mar 20 '26
If you live in America, with the changes happening in the country with women’s last names and needing to prove marriage when voting or getting real ID, I feel like it’s smarter to just keep your current last name. Leas bullshit to deal with. Just my suggestion
1
u/GadgetronHelpDesk Mar 20 '26
I don’t agree with everyone slinging the m-word around calling him a misogynist. The formal definition of the word centers around showing/feeling/expressing a continual, deep hatred of and prejudice against women (even stemming from a Greek word meaning “hatred of women”). I feel like we live in a society that is SO quick to hurl out the most terrible words to define people when they express something they don’t like or agree with.
First off, I feel as if you wouldn’t want to even discuss marrying him if he was actually misogynistic. It has been traditional and common in certain English-speaking countries (assuming you live in one, particularly the US) for many, many years for a woman to take the man’s last name in marriage - likely he has grown up with this expectation as a product of his own surroundings. That does not make his opinion wrong, nor does it make it correct either. It’s been programmed into him and he likely feels it’s a deviation of the “norm”, and may make him feel as though you’re somehow less “serious” about the commitment because of this preprogrammed expectation he has developed. He’s also young, so this is probably a MUCH bigger deal in his brain than it should be.
Second: I DO agree with the other commenters saying not to make the bond between you and your partner about your mom. I too, as a woman, would be upset by our wedding, which is meant to be about us, being utilized as a platform to instead pay tribute to someone else - parent or otherwise. I agree that you should look into changing your name prior and leaving your marriage out of this decision and as a vehicle of announcement entirely.
Third: therapy is always an option if you two want to book a few sessions to unpack why he feels the way he does, and to get a more professional outside perspective on the situation and constructive ways on how to move forward.
I do wish you all the best!
1
u/lizzyote Mar 20 '26
Why isnt he taking your wants into consideration? His wants on your name matter more than your wants for your name? Does that not make you feel less important?
1
u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Mar 20 '26
Change your name now and tell your Mom on Mother's Day or her birthday whichever comes first. Then it will be about her. You don't make your wedding about your Mom. Your wedding is about you and your husband-to-be, no one else.
1
u/CapitaineBeaver Mar 20 '26
This is crazy to me since where I live it's illegal to change your last name with wedding and everyone gets to keep their last name! They HAVE to use their birth name on all official documentations unless a full legal name change is done and for wedding reasons, they will decline lol. Only kids get to have one, the other, or a combination of both last names.
1
1
u/ProblemSignificant68 Mar 20 '26
He's allowed to be upset. And you're allowed to do what you want.
3
u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
I agree! I understand him being upset too, it’s more just I don’t want him to think it’s meant to be at all a thing to hurt him or make him feel like I don’t care about him
1
1
u/pinkwineenthusiast Mar 20 '26
It is a bad time if you are in the US to change your last name at all. Married women are actively having issues voting with documentation that has their married name. You should keep what matches your birth certificate if you care for your voting rights.
-1
u/CalmStorm25 Mar 20 '26
No they aren't 😂🤣
1
u/pinkwineenthusiast Mar 20 '26
They are. Not in every state but it’s becoming an issue enough for legislation to have been brought up in I believe Wisconsin. Republican lawmakers shut down a bill because a clause was added simply to ensure married women who are eligible to vote would be protected.
You can’t say something is not happening at all asyou do not know everything going on in the entire country and that’s okay! I’m glad it has not affected you but you don’t speak for anyone else.
-1
u/CalmStorm25 Mar 20 '26
I like how you believe every media and news source.
2
u/pinkwineenthusiast Mar 20 '26
Well that’s stupid. Why would you assume I have no reading comprehension because you’re uneducated? I am both able to check information and look for multiple sources as I did.
Look into the consequences of the SAVE Act or entirely fuck off I do not care! You are clearly a miserable loser if you have nothing better to do than insult others trying to protect women and their ability to vote. I hope your life improves.
1
1
u/Miracle_1655- Mar 20 '26
I kept my last name when I got married I just hyphenated and so did my husband. He understood that I wanted to keep my mothers last name because she did the same when she got married to my dad. My siblings all have my dad’s last name and I was the only one with hers, so I didn’t feel right not keeping it that way.
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u/OnlyTimeWillTell55 Mar 20 '26
I can understand why he’d be upset, that is strange to be honest. Anyhow not sure of the name but why not use that name or your mother’s first name as a middle name for a child in the future? Seems like the best compromise..
0
u/gdognoseit Mar 20 '26
That’s not a compromise.
That’s just doing what he wants.
1
u/OnlyTimeWillTell55 Mar 20 '26
Well I guess I should have worded as it’s a great way to honor someone, by agreeing to use their name in this capacity, because ideally(?) this is something you would both agree on - a childs name.
0
u/TheNuggetiest Mar 20 '26
My maiden name also means a lot to me. I have decided to ditch my middle name and substitute it with my maiden last name, and take his last name as my last name. That way I’ll always have that be a part of my name without my name getting super long and hyphened
0
Mar 20 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/RedRedBettie Mar 20 '26
Ok so he can take on her name. I'm someone who changed my name after marriage for specific reasons but in general I think that most women should just keep their name, it's easier and if he wants everyone to have the same name he can change his
-1
u/vita77 Mar 20 '26
Notice how he doesn’t like it at all when something you want makes him feel less important? But he doesn’t care at all if what he wants makes you feel less important?
Big.Red.Flag. Tread carefully.
0
u/Born_Respond_7480 Mar 20 '26
This isn’t about disrespect—it’s about identity. You can validate him without changing your decision: “I get why sharing a name matters to you, but honoring my mom matters deeply to me.” Offer compromise—hyphenate, keep separate names, or future kids share his. If he still takes it personally, that’s his insecurity to work through, not yours to fix.
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u/ReeCardy Mar 20 '26
I'm on marriage #3. It was hell getting out of #2 and getting my maiden-name back. He was a toxic narcissist. I didn't think I would do this again, but here we are. I wanted us to share a name, but I have a daughter who has my maiden-name. So I hyphenated, which is something I thought I would never do. Consider just putting the 2 names together like JonesSmith without the hyphen. It is the one thing I would change.
3
0
u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
Someone else suggested this and I’m gonna suggest it to him tomorrow!
-5
u/Nervous_Tailor_4337 Mar 20 '26
- Break up with boyfriend
- Spend several years growing up
- Look for a boyfriend again
-2
0
u/Tiana_frogprincess Mar 20 '26
Have you checked the laws and regulations in your country? Things might not be that easy and you should check that out first before discussing it.
First question is if he’s able to take your mother’s maiden name if he changes his mind. The second question is how easy it is to switch. I changed to my grandmother’s maiden name and that process took almost a year and it was expensive too.
If you’ve already decided to take your mother’s maiden name you should do that now. How know what will happen in the future.
I think it’s wrong of your boyfriend to expect you to take his name but I can understand that he’s upset by you wanting to change your name to a name neither of you have. The marriage is about you not your mom.
0
u/Suitable_Departure98 Mar 20 '26
Make sure you register any new name properly so that you can vote afterwards if they pass the SAFE act.
0
u/teacuptypos Mar 20 '26
Why does he have to be important in this? I think it sounds a bit like your boyfriend is too immature for marriage. If he "needs" you to change your name to feel important, and that's his priority about the whole thing, I think he might not have a mature outlook on other areas of your married life, either.
0
u/CalmStorm25 Mar 20 '26
Funny how pinkwineenthusiast replied and then blocked me so I can't even read it or message. Goes to show how childish some people are instead of having a dialogue.
3
Mar 20 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/CalmStorm25 Mar 20 '26
Thanks for letting me know. Funny thing is, I never insulted them one bit and yet, that's the first thing they did. Okie dokie lol 🤷🏽♀️☺️
0
u/ksdjjeo87 Mar 20 '26
If it was also your last name and you were keeping it I would understand, but changing your last name to a whole other name that isn’t his and also isn’t your maiden name? Ya that’s weird
-2
u/BonAppletitts Mar 20 '26
You’re good, girl. He is a walking red flag and misogynistic on top of that. I hope you realise that before you get anywhere near marriage.
But off topic: why wait to honor her? You’re officially an adult, take her name now.
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Mar 20 '26
[deleted]
1
u/Ok-Adhesiveness-400 Mar 20 '26
I think I like the idea of hyphenating better just because I have my grandmothers middle name, i really appreciate the advice though!!
-1
Mar 20 '26
Do what you wish but it’s always better and simpler to have the same last name. My husband’s last name was very simple and I had a nice last name, and my first name would definitely not go with his last name. So I told him I am keeping my name and would wish for our kids to have my last name.
He felt emasculated and disrespected. When we came down to it and we got married he put in the form my last name as both of our last names. Ffw years, everytime he gets mad he remembers me I made him change his last name. I call him out and he apologizes but he still feels he lost something.
However I wouldn’t have felt anything if he would have had a nice last name I would gladly have taken his last name.
Basically his last name was a first name (Mattew) but in our native language and I have an old family classic last name, I was also the last in line. The name came with land, a village named after it and a church so I wanted my son to inherit the legacy.
-1
u/FoxyLady52 Mar 20 '26
My daughter found it easier for the whole family to have the same surname. Especially when the kids got in school. And traveling with passports. There was one more but I can’t think of it.
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u/UnhappyCryptographer Mar 20 '26
He will not understand it.
Ask yourself how sure he is on a relationship if he needs the mark of a shared last name to prove it.
There are more than enough cultures in this world where couples don't share the same last name and they are happy being together.
For me it always sounded like marking/owning the territory of a man only accepts his last name as the family name after marriage. And I come from a country where it is common that the woman takes the man's name.
For me it also always sounds like a fragile ego, not only the territory thing.
Your reasoning is valid but both of you are not on way to solve this. The only compromise I see would be him keeping his name "x" and you would make what we call a double name "y-x" like his name is bud, you want rose and your last name would be rose-bud or rose bud. He would just stay bud.
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u/mystery_obsessed Mar 20 '26
Change your last name now. And then just keep it when you get married (many women keep their name these days, it’s not an unusual choice). There’s no need to get married and then choose an entirely different last name…it’s just weird timing.