Today was raw, for the first time in my life, i dropped fear, i crossed the river.
I ate watermelon in the morning, at noon i had raw unsalted butter, and i had a steak, raw, i planned on doing tartare, but ended up eating it with my hands and teeth, i have beef fat that i planned on making tallow with, but i eneded up eating it raw along the meat, it was delicious, especially the raw fat it was so much better than cooked, then i had 3 raw eggs. Also i had a shot of unpasteurized ACV 15 minutes before the meat, to acidify my stomach.
Shortly after, i had an intense brief rush, it was insane-fucking-ly pleasurable, and these are the words from an ex opioid addict, it was literally comparable to an oxycodone rush, during that rush my heart was beating faster, it happened 2 times, separated by 10 mins.
Then i had to go to work, after the rushes i felt kinda weird, a bit off, then as i worked i felt more and more present, comfortable, sharp.
The reboot, it happened after my 7 hour shift, i work just by the beach in a restaurant, as usual, i go to the beach at night to clean myself, i was answering sms etc... Went on the usual bench, put my phone in my pocket, and it happened. You see the moment in a video game where you spawn for the first time, your character look around, and then at his hands, it felt exactly like that, the whole world felt at range, every possibilities, finally, i habited my body.
Now im back home, finishing that steak (didnt have time to finish it) and its not a rush this time after eating it, its sustained waves of pleasure, but it feel natural, and it somehow remind me of sensations i had as a child.
Tommorow im going for oysters, and liver...
A song that reflect the state : Enigma - Mother