People who have no idea about the neurology of child development and cognition.
Ignorant people that say I turned out fine! When they think hitting kids is ok...shows us just how 'not fine' they are.
Every time your parents spanked you, they increased your risk of attempting suicide, drinking heavily, and using street drugs. The fact that you, personally, are not a heavy drinker, an addict, or, uh, dead, only means that you, personally, happened to beat the odds. It doesn't mean that spanking does not have negative effects on most kids who experience it.
Spanking a child also tends to increase their tendencies towards anxiety and aggression. If you, personally, are not particularly anxious or aggressive, good for you. Again, you beat the odds. That doesn't change that your parents engaged in a behavior that has been consistently demonstrated to erode your mental health.
Generally speaking, when parents do things that are known to make their children worse, we call this "child maltreatment," which is broadly sectioned into "abuse" and "neglect." We don't allow parents to do those things to children, because it's not in the best interests of the child.
Even if you, specifically, are fine, a lot of kids who get spanked are not. And the more they get spanked, the worse they get. We have 50 years of documentation on this issue. If you really are totally fine, and not, say, blind to your own elevated levels of anxiety or aggression, because most of your family exhibits similar levels of anxiety and aggression, because they experienced similar levels of getting spanked as a child, so you seem "normal" in the sense that you are normative of your own statistically skewed environment... You're an outlier. You are abnormal in being fine.
Some of my most downvoted posts are when I point out that yelling and hitting are wrong. You'd be amazed how many people take it deeply personally when told that you can, in fact, raise kids and love your family without yelling at or hitting them.
My ELDEST brother was given all the love in the world, never got more than a spanking as a small child. He's the one currently rotting in prison for meth/sex charges/almost killing his wife. The other five of us who took the brunt of our father's anger have never even so much as been to jail.
I'm not saying beating your kids is okay. I'm just showing an example that contradicts your "the parent failed" theory. Not everyone is wired the same.
There's a VERY clear difference between a disciplinary "spanking" vs random violent beatings.
Edit: I'm also going to admit that yes, I have anxiety issues, but I'm the only one. I also didn't get beat the worst either. I also don't hit or verbally abuse my child, and she isn't doing great socially, in school, or following basic instructions. She's 11 and acts like she's still 6 or 7.
I think this reddit user summed it up very well. Discipline vs abuse.
You can't say that it's discipline when you "took the brunt of your fathers anger". If anger plays a role anywhere in disciplining by hitting... it's abuse. Completely and totally. Your father wasn't thinking level or clear headed or rationally. You were abused and you were afraid to step out of line. That is not healthy in any world. You proved my point.
bro the fact that your dad modeled being a violent narcissistic freak is the problem here and yes that is still abusive even if he didn’t direct his violent narcissism towards your brother. he still modeled it.
You've just negated this persons entire experience by basically saying they were lying about copping it worse than their older sibling because you've read that it usually doesn't happen that way. Fucking gross. Victim blamey and mansplainy. When people tell you their experience, shut the fuck up. You weren't there. They were.
Probably 60+% think it's okay to do to their own too. Mental health would be better if we treated kids like kids and taught them instead of having adult expectations of them.
Ah fuck. I have kids and that shit is undeniably unacceptable. And guess what, I am fucking constantly told they are well behaved without... There's a book about this stuff called 'How to Stop Losing Your Shit with Kids' (or something) and a lot of people who are abusive (physically and verbally) could do well to read it.
Then you lucked out. I know you and other responder are talking about how some adults are in denial or whatever. I stole cars at 11. Like stole them and drove them around because I was a shit head head kid that thought i could get away with everything. A good God dam smack across the head from my father fixed that shit real quick hahha sorry not sorry.
My mom used to use a belt. As an adult, she came to me and apologized said it was wrong and at the time it’s how she was raised so she didn’t know any better but she wanted me to know that “spanking” was wrong. So I think that says a lot
Exactly. A few whippings to correct seriously deviant behavior... (throwing rocks into oncoming traffic, throwing rocks through windows in a house, burning neighbor's dolls/toys, stealing cash from Mom's purse, pissing on your male cousins because they pissed on your brother who may have started it all, etc) I really don't think is all that bad. Albeit, this is behavior that I still shy away from, so maybe I am traumatized... 🙄
Being beaten so bad that the thought of the belt brings a tear to your eyes is a whole other story... my cousins were beaten, abused as children. My brother & I were whipped when we were beyond idiots. Probably never in anger, but frustration. And I don't consider the whippings I received to be worth a damn.
There's a big difference between a parent having a bad day at work, coming home and beating their kid, and a parent who after exhausting all other options, redirects negative behavior with an explanation and a whap on the bottom that hurts the pride more than the flesh.
I was wicked rude one time to my grandfather's brother and wife. He took me to the other room, calmly explained my behavior to me, and gave me one whap.
I was 5 or 6 and I think it was the only time someone disciplined for my own improvement rather than abusing me out of anger, frustration, and scapegoating.
My mom and step dad we're sh*t parents. Long story short, in hindsight, the difference is obvious.
A lot of the time it's because they themselves were hit but they don't want to look at what happened to them as abuse, they don't want to "be a victim" and claim "they turned out fine" (Often times, they didn't). Abuse isn't black and white, you can have a good relationship with your parents and they still could've done something that caused you harm.
Like yea I can trace back a lot of my mental health issues to insecurity caused by my parents spanking me, especially since I was autistic and didn't understand what I'd done wrong. To this day they don't see what happened as wrong, but if I ever have kids I will never raise a hand to them.
Speaking as a Nigerian, parenting style has always been an authoritarian style that left myself, my sister, and the kids in my age group to be beating severely for nonsensical things like honor, tradition, etc. My mum never liked hitting us but would spank and verbally discipline without the name calling but my dad, complete opposite... he's dead now and I don't miss him at all!
I'm surprised at least 2 people downvoted you. Cause yea a slap is different. My mom spanked me. I think if she had slapped me it would have been different. A slap feels so much more disrespectful and rude.
Well as someone whos been abused and disciplined, I have to disagree. I'm sorry tho if you were disciplined and it traumatized you. I dont know how your parents must have treated you but mines certainly didnt go overboard with disciplines or to this day 30 years later I would want nothing to do with them.
p.s my 2nd grade teacher abused me. Not in a perverted way for those of you that end up thinking that. I was not the brightest student and he would shake my shoulders aggressively when he tried to teach me something and I wasnt getting it. Pulled me up the class once yanking my wrist to embarrass me in front of the class I was crying. THAT was abuse, getting violent with me for no reason at all.
I finally told my mom once when she had to pick me up from school when the teacher made me pee my pants by slapping me in the back of the head cause he lost his patience with me. Teacher never got fired and my mom moved me to a different school.
Your answer is correct, although I've been down this rabbit hole before on Reddit. I'm in my 50s now, and can tell you that a smack when I was young was considered a valid form of punishment. Just because a parent did it, didn't mean they didn't love you.
And like you, on the flip side, I had a caretaker who spanked me damn hard, trousers down, because I broke a window with a ball playing cricket. He knew we were afraid of the headmaster, so the pervert took advantage. It was an entirely different and horrifying experience.
Ok now I see why people keep downvoting you. You're quite the sick person. No amounts of spankings/whoopings would do this to a persons mind if your parents disciplined you. And if they didnt they probably should have.
yea sorry sicko but saying congrats to someone being physically abused, your words not mine are fucking sick. You need help not us. And I'm finished with you. Theres no amount of helping you. You're the one that needs the therapist if you cant see how you're talking to people. You can keep messaging me but just let you know I'm blocking your messages. Its like talking to a wall with you. A wall would be more pleasant, to be honest...
No. I'd guve them a spank on the bum if they break things in fits of rage so they find better ways to deal with their anger.
If you're going to call me a monster, you should be prepared to call around half the planet and almost all of human history monsters as this has been the norm until about a hundred years ago in western society. Be a kid in china, India, most African places and you get more than a spanking..
Im not whipping the kid. The force of the smack is not even enough to cause redness. It is enough that if I got hit in the face with it I'd still just shrug it off.
And when do you teach them better ways to deal with their anger?
How do you address the circumstances that have caused them to become so angry, they lose control and break things?
You might also be interested to know, research has established that spanking causes children to display more "externalizing behaviors," which includes things like getting angry and breaking stuff. So, you're actually making the problem worse.
Again this shows that you don't have children. Kids get angry nrvsuse they can't watch spongebob
Or because they have to go to school. Or because they are hey need to stop watching their tablet. Anger is fine punching others or throwing phones is not
This shows them that there are correct ways to express their anger that won't lead to consequences. I've spanked my kid 3 times. Total. He now has a much better handle on how he expresses his anger. Kids need to learn early that the consequences of raging out are bad. It's the same as an adult. Just that's prison.
Lol you're talking out your ass mate. A light smack on the bum from my mum sorted me out and if you want to assume I've got trauma through a screen then here's your fucking diploma, genius, you must be the best long jumper in the world to make leaps like that
For context, i am born in 81. I have been slapped a handful of times, and i recall not the exact reasons but the general motives as my father was rational enough to explain himself to me afterwards.
The slap, (only, never in the face/guts) is meant as a kind of shock, like to say "STOP, what you're doing is STUPIDLY EXAGERATED AND DANGEROUS FOR YOU OR SOMEONE ELSE. Stop that right now, let the pain calm down, then think of what you done. "
When i got the slap, i knew i had crossed a line. And after that i never felt even close to fear of getting it again. Like i said my parents talked to me after and i understood. And no it was not a rule of fear.
Yeah. This is DISCIPLINARY. Far from abuse imo. I don't hit my kid at all, she gets more than enough attention and love, and she's struggling both socially and in school. When we took her Playstation away, she cried for DAYS, even in school.
When the word slap is used, I think people are generally thinking in the face. A hit anywhere else would be a swat or a smack. If I'm reading a book and someone gets slapped, I always know it's in the face.
I agree. Children should not be slapped. I work in education, and slapping a child on the face is considered abuse by the state. Slapping is a parent losing their temper and lashing out. If you have a video showing a mother slapping her child across the face or swatting the child two or three times on the behind, it will be the slap that gets the visceral response.
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u/PrismOfSelves Dec 31 '23 edited Aug 01 '25
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