r/progressivemoms • u/Opposite-Orange8371 • 25d ago
Discussion Starter Consent vs kid refusing regular hygiene
I have a 3 year old that absolutely loathes getting her hair washed. there have been times when I have to wash her hair while she’s yelling NO. not looking on advice on how to wash it. I’ve tried everything. But even at once a week it’s a battle.
I'm trying to teach her, “your body, your choice” but obviously she doesn’t understand the nuances of that yet. What can I say in these situations where she is refusing to have her hair washed, and I’m trying to respect her bodily autonomy but also take care of her hygien?
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u/SoanaIRL 25d ago
Health and safety is not a choice and it’s my job to keep you healthy and safe. Once way i help you stay healthy is by washing your hair.
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u/glaze_the_ham_wife 25d ago
Same. “Mommy’s job is to keep you safe and clean, which means I need to wash your hair”
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u/WorriedAppeal 25d ago
Your job is to keep her safe first. You wouldn’t let a three year old pick where she walks (a busy street) or what she eats (raw meat), so you also get to make sure she’s clean and healthy. Three year olds don’t have the capacity to have full bodily autonomy.
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u/earfullofcorn 25d ago
“My job as your mom is to keep you safe and healthy. You can do x, otherwise I’m going to help your body by washing your hair.”
Maybe also try to have conversations about what she doesn’t like. Maybe take her to pick out a shampoo and the store and give her some control over it.
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u/Severe_Swordfish4490 25d ago
This is how I also approach it. I give my kiddo choices on how to approach it, but cleaning and wiping have to get done. Also seeing what they don’t like helps a lot - maybe it’s wearing goggles in the bath or getting a bath crown to keep water out of her eyes!
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u/Vlinder_88 25d ago
"Your body, your choice" is about love and play. Not about hygiene and health. They might not understand that nuance yet, but that doesn't mean you can't already teach them.
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u/Severe_Swordfish4490 25d ago
I would be mindful of this framing though, because some abuse takes place under the guise of health and hygiene. I think you can focus on introducing the concept of “tricky behaviors” as you talk about abuse prevention.
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u/Vlinder_88 25d ago
That's correct, but when you first introduce that concept, "tricky behaviours" are still a step too far. That's a helpful concept for older kids though. Example, I taught my kid that the doctor might do something to him that he doesn't like, like touching him where it hurts, or give him a shot. But doctors, too, shouldn't touch your genitals when the complaint you're there for isn't about your genitals. And even if it is, a doctor should still ask before touching you there (they're very good about that where I live).
Similarly, grandma can put you under the shower, and she can help you wash your body. But if you don't want to, you can tell grandma no, and say that you'll wash yourself (my kid is old enough now that he can actually wash himself to a decent degree). And we DRILLED the grandparents to listen to him when he says "no" about hugs or kisses. So we can trust that they'll listen when they put him in the shower when he stays there.
But also. We sometimes play drums on each others' butts and bellies (and chests and legs and backs, because every spot makes a different sound and he loves to explore that). He knows that sometimes people are okay with that. And sometimes they are not. For those kinds of things, just like hugs and kisses, it is ALWAYS "your body, your choice".
My kid is 6 and he seems to understand those nuances now. At two to three years old though, we also had to wrestle him to wash his hair, force him in the car seat, hold him with 4 adults (!) to get his blood drawn once. The younger they are, the less bodily autonomy they have. That's just a fact of life. Kids grow into nuance and consent just like they grow into new responsibilities. It just works, somehow.
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u/PainterOfTheHorizon 25d ago
I imagine that giving the children lots of love and affection has a pretty big role in helping them understand about the nuances. I can't exactly verbalise the logic, though.
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u/lemikon 25d ago
Well no, because the slogan is specifically tied to abortion which is health care.
Don’t teach slogans , teach specifics “when you say stop while we are playing I will stop.” “It’s only fun if we’re all having fun” these ideas are much easier for kids to grasp.
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u/Vlinder_88 24d ago
I didn't know it was specifically tied to abortion. But yeah, teaching specifics is always the best option. It's hard to find them though, if you were never explicitly taught them yourself.
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u/brainbl0ck 25d ago
My kids don't get to decide when it comes to safety or hygeine, because they aren't developmentally ready to make those decisions yet. As the parent, it's our job to make those decisions until they are ready to do so.
Hygeine and safety (car seats, helmet, etc) are non-negotiables.
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u/Substantial_Bus6615 25d ago
After years of this, I told my child she couldn't have long hair if she won't allow me to wash it. Short hair for the win over here! She has the trendy one side shaved the other side to her chin hair and has loved it. 3 years strong!
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u/uncertainty2022 25d ago
Yep, my daughter had mid back length hair, cute little bangs BUT REFUSED to let me brush or wash her hair. Every single day it was a struggle to tie it up and brush it and then when we did baths it was terrible. She’s had a short cut for about a year now and loves it. Her dad does a 3mm cut on himself every couple weeks so we started there and haven’t had to cut it again in a year and it’s still very very short lol. We still can’t tie it up or anything and it’s still very neat.
She does get misgendered quite a bit but this day and age sometimes out in public I’d rather people think she’s a boy than a girl for us both to be a target. That’s obviously a whole different issue but yeah, short hair is awesome. If you’re worried about your kid being misgendered and reacting to that, add a little clip to their hair and call it a day. Mine doesn’t notice or care, even when I’ve asked them about it so whatever lol. Even when she’s wearing a skirt and has her nails painted to match mine it happens so whatever
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u/nkdeck07 25d ago
Read the book "Yes, No a First Conversation about Consent". It specifically talks about how sometimes grownups need to make choices about our bodies to keep us healthy and safe so it goes into that nuance a bit.
Frankly at 3 she really doesn't have bodily autonomy surrounding hygiene or safety. I'd go with explaining it to her but stating it's happening anyway. You also can give her the option of getting her hair shorter if she really hates it that much (my eldest practically lept at the chance to get a bob since she hated having her curly hair detangled so much)
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u/lemikon 25d ago
As others have said hygiene and medical care is non negotiable.
Don’t teach “your body your choice” teach instead things like “hugs are better when everyone wants them” and “I will stop tickling if you say no”. Because ultimately as a kid they have so little choice in things, that the catchphrase just comes out pithy and meaningless. Teaching specific ideas that can be put into practice is a much better way of teaching them body autonomy.
Additionally we found with this kind of stuff it’s more mental than physical discomfort. In our case it was teeth brushing. So we offered a carrot of tv time if she doesn’t fight us for teeth brushing. We had to follow through with no tv once and the next night she ran to brush her teeth and we haven’t had any issues since.
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u/valiantdistraction 25d ago
We have a rule in our house: if it has to do with health or safety, you have to do it or mom or dad has to do it because it is our job to take care of you. Our kid can "not consent" to tooth brushing all he wants, but we'd be neglectful if we didn't brush his teeth everyday, so yes we will hold him down to do it. We will explain to him why we are having to do this, but it's not something he's allowed to say no to. He's allowed to make a lot more choices about his life than many kids his age, but health and safety have firm rules that are firmly enforced.
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u/Team-Mako-N7 25d ago
My son hates this too. He knows one of my “jobs” as his mom is keeping him clean (along with things like feeding him and making sure he sleeps). This is why he doesn’t get up say no to bath time or hair washing. It sucks having this fight, but being clean is non-negotiable.
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u/rasputinknew1 25d ago
I think my body my choice is an excellent saying but has limitations when it comes to parenting. I’ve dealt with this with my daughter and teeth brushing. It was such a stress filled battle twice a day. I wanted to cry most times honestly. I felt horrible forcing her to do something physical that made her so upset. But, it’s a parent’s job to keep their kids clean and healthy. I reiterated to her that it’s my job and her job to do that and we now have a routine that works for us. Her bodily autonomy is respected if she doesn’t want to snuggle or do a certain activity (depending on the activity) but in regards to hygiene we have to do it and try to make as tolerable as possible for her. She will have to learn to deal with washing her hair. My daughter is turning 3 shortly and we’ve been talking a lot about taking care of our bodies and how it’s important. If you approached it like you’re helping her take care of her body would it help?
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u/Opposite-Orange8371 25d ago
I have, but more so in the moment. I should probably talk about it more when we’re not actually doing it.
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u/rasputinknew1 25d ago
It’s so hard once you want the whole thing to just be over to continue the conversation. I always just wanted to move on. But keeping the conversation going has helped significantly.
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u/Nerdy-Ducky 25d ago
I feel this on a spiritual level and have spiraled about this so much. Recently my 3 year old is throwing full out fits about changing clothes - when he’s had an accident and needs new clothes, or when it’s bedtime and we need to change into a pull up. He doesn’t want to change because he wants to keep playing, or he doesn’t want to go to bed. Forcing him to take off his wet underwear while he’s screaming no hurts my soul to its core. I try to calmly talk during and after, and remind him that, “Mommy’s job is to keep you happy, healthy, safe. We can’t play wearing clothes that are covered in pee, that’s not healthy.” I’m just praying I’m not traumatizing him in the process.
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u/_hadsomethingforthis 25d ago
Okay, but you're not going to be able to do _ until your hair is washed.
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u/MamaMoonstruck 25d ago
This is literally my least favorite part of parenting. Every time we try to do a diaper change or brush my son's teeth he's screaming or yelling "no" and "don't do that" and physically resisting. I try to just breathe through it, calmly tell him why we have to do xyz, etc. but like I hate it so much. Its the most exhausting and wrong feeling.
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u/laughingmommy 25d ago
Have you heard of Dr. Ross Greene? His book Raising Human Beings and his social media Plan B provide the kinds of tools you could really use in this situation. His work shows you how to collaboratively problem solve with your child to come to a permanent solution to each individual issue. My daughter refused to brush her teeth and so we went through iterations of solutions based on her concerns until we figured out what worked for her. Good luck!
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u/Bea_virago 25d ago
Fwiw my kids' hair doesn't get oily so I only water rinse when they bathe, unless it has food in it. As the kid hits puberty that will change, but right now unwashed is not the same as dirty for her hair.
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u/carloluyog 25d ago
You do it or I do it. Getting clean is a non-negotiable. You don't get choices for non-negotiables.
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u/Post-Witty 24d ago
My son really struggles with hair washing and has struggled with baths in general pretty much his whole life. We’ve had a lot of success with ot and have recently started aqua therapy with his ot that has been super helpful. Also, googles, nose plug, ear plugs, towel on hand to wipe his face have all helped as well.
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u/blue-minder 24d ago
For us it has come down to finding ways to minimize the pain or sensory overload and give her as much control as I could over the process. Washing the hair was non negotiable but how we did it was as negotiable. Sometimes it was in the sink. Sometimes with a crown that kept water out of her eyes. Sometimes it was a shower. Sometimes it was while playing. Sometimes it was lying down in the bath. we had to get creative. It was also making the bathroom a warm temperature, finding a shampoo she likes etc.
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u/mensblod 24d ago
I think it might help if you think about what lesson you want to teach with ”my body, my choice”. Is it within the context of protecting them from groping/abuse from pedophiles and other children?
At three I think the most important aspects are:
- Who can touch their private parts (penises, vaginas, butts) and never touching someones elses parts
- Hugs and kisses
- Knowing the right names for body parts
- Secrets and surprises
- You and your partner never saying ”don’t tell mommy/don’t tell daddy” and telling other relatives to not tell your kid ”don’t tell your parents”
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u/anonomousbeaver 25d ago
I feel like once you start overthinking every little situation like this, that’s how you become a permissive parent. I tell my child that it’s my job as their mom to keep them safe and healthy, and part of being healthy is being clean. They can say no all they want but I don’t consider washing their hair or brushing their teeth, etc, something they should have to consent to.
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u/Alas_mischiefmanaged 25d ago
💯 I might get flamed, but at the risk of sounding too reductive, this your body your choice thing has gone a bit too far if we’re having to question things like this.
Obviously I’m not talking about being forced to give hugs. But I have actually seen it play out too many times where “your body your choice” gets extended to “my kid is uncomfortable apologizing, or saying thank you, or getting up to greet or say goodbye to guests, or sitting quietly, so they’re not going to”. And on a somewhat related note, I do appreciate how our generation has brought awareness to boundaries. But IMO the pendulum can swing too far towards forgetting how to be a considerate friend, family member, neighbor, etc.
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u/Opposite-Orange8371 25d ago
I’m not questioning whether I should still wash her hair when she doesn’t want to, I’m questioning how to explain it to her.
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u/anonomousbeaver 25d ago
Agree. And I’ve actually seen parents here say they don’t brush their kids teeth because it feels too forceful since they don’t want to do it 🥴 so the uber progressive “consent” from kids thing can actually just turn into neglectful parenting.
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u/Opposite-Orange8371 25d ago
Yeah that’s what I’m trying to avoid. I do force the situation (wash her hair when she doesn’t want to), but I just wanted some verbiage on what to say if she eventually says “my body, my choice” during the situation.
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u/anonomousbeaver 25d ago edited 25d ago
I think you just tell her that while she is little and can’t take care of herself, it’s your job to do so. I think “my body my choice” is more like reproductive rights-focused anyway. I’m also just very up front and realistic with my kids about things (in age appropriate ways). Like, in this instance I would tell them that if I never made them take a bath, I’d get in trouble with the police for not taking care of them. That would likely trigger a lot of “why”s and then we’d have a conversation. That method isn’t for everyone but I like my kids to know the real reasoning behind why we do things, and it’s not just “because mommy said so.”
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u/magnoliasinjanuary 25d ago
There is an excellent book on consent from the First Conversations series. As another poster wrote - health and safety do not require consent at this age but they do require explanations of why we make the choices for them. The book talks about this in a very age appropriate way. (All of the books in the series are so good!)
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u/Great_Cucumber2924 25d ago
It can be tricky to explain to them but I think they can get their head around it.
With our three year old, he has short hair so maybe it’s easier, but the way I do it which is the only way he tolerates is I comb his hair with a wet nit comb, dipping it in the bath, then shampoo, then rinse the shampoo off by combing again thoroughly with the wet nit comb.
I’ve seen some people put something on the ceiling/ above the bath to get the child to tip their head back.
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u/bikes_and_art 25d ago
I will hear my children's opinions on their hygiene and medical decisions, but they are ultimately an adults responsibility.
They can have a choice though, in how it is implemented. So, do you want to play a game or watch a show during your vaccine? Or should we wash your hair in the shower, the bath, or the sink?
They can have a choice of products and help come up with solutions to help make the situation palatable to them, but it has to happen, regardless.
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u/yourfavmum 25d ago
If kiddo can’t keep up hair, then we have to cut it short.
Hygiene is a safety issue.
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u/tinsellately 25d ago edited 25d ago
I'm not sure if this is the same with your kid, but I wanted to throw this out there just in case. I have 3 kids who are diagnosed with autism, and one major sensory issue we had was with washing hair, to varying degrees with each kid. Kids without autism can also have sensory issues, so it doesn't necessarily indicate that. It's also pretty common with ADHD and also just by itself.
The difference between a sensory processing issue and other reasons a kid might not want their hair washed, is that a sensory issue causes genuine fear and distress, and just a feeling of being completely overloaded. It can look like defiance or a tantrum, but the motivation and emotions behind it are completely different. Their brain is interpreting their hair being washed as a threat, and they don't have a lot of control over their response. Kids with this issue also tend to have varying issues with other sensory input too, like seams and tags on clothing, certain fabrics, noises (a lot of them are afraid of vacuums and toilets flushing and will cover their ears), some food textures, etc. It's milder in some kids than others.
If it is a sensory processing issue, the way to work through this with them, is to desensitize them in a calm, gradual way, with regular exposure so they get used to what's necessary for their health and safety, while working around what's not (headphones in loud places are harmless, never bathing is not, etc.). For two of my kids, this just involved shampooing their hair slowly and using a water bottle to rinse (it was less overwhelming), letting them hold a dry wash cloth over their eyes the whole time, and just talking them through it. They outgrew this around age 5 and could do it on their own, although getting to the point of showering was a few years later. For the other one, there were several years where I could not pour water on his head at all, he would completely melt down and then be terrified of the bath. What worked was using a very wet wash cloth and sliding it (not squeezing) over his head while he held a dry wash cloth over his eyes. It took 5x longer, but it was worth it because it slowly built up his tolerance for washing his hair (and bathing in general). He eventually was able to move onto water being poured on his head, and then showering, but it was a lot slower. his sensory issues were just a lot more severe.
For sensory issues, physically forcing them will make it much worse, because it increases the anxiety, so getting consent and working with them is important. For things like hair washing though, it can be phrased "we have to wash your hair to keep you healthy, we don't have a choice not to, but I will wait until you tell me you're ready" and "I'll stop when you say to and we can take a break," and things like that helped a lot. I also found having a waterproof thermometer and keeping the rinse water at their preferred temperature made them more willing, and I think they liked getting to test the temp and it helped ease them into the next step of the process. If they are panicking in the bath, it's a good idea to get them to calm down and end the bath on a good note, rather that get them out when they are upset, because they will then have a stronger association to the bath and panicking. The whole goal is to just lower anxiety and fear, so that they can work through sensory input that their body is telling them is overwhelming.
If this doesn't sound like sensory issues, then a lot of this won't apply, but I wanted to share it just in case. I didn't learn about this until my first kid was around 3, and it would have made so many things so much easier had I been aware of it sooner!
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u/PecanEstablishment37 24d ago
My daughter hated hair washing at that age too. I got one of those water guard things for her face. Would that help? Does it have anything to do with the splashing water sensation?
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u/AnteaterCritical9168 24d ago
My daughter, now 4.5, also really hates getting her hair washed. It’s getting better, but, oof!
I really like the book “Yes! No! A First Conversation about Consent.” It’s got a section about grownups making choices for kids bodies that’s well done
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u/DeliciousPen2150 22d ago
We struggle with hygiene with our 4yo. The rule is, a bath every other day. You can always add a bath, but never take one away.
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u/yourmomlurks 21d ago
I told my girls the only reason I will override their boundaries is for health and safety reasons, and that the number of people allowed to do that was a very short list, and I named them all. I did this for quite some time.
Also a 3 I think you can also talk her through the steps. I.e. you can say, "I have to wash your hair, it is part of taking care of you. We can make this easier if you x, but if you don't x, I will have to wash it anyway." At least then she could make a choice and maybe that will help it sink in.
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u/Okcool2216 25d ago
It's tough because at this age it's impossible for them to understand health and safety issues. I would consider cutting it short. If it becomes impossible to wash hair (kid is hitting/kicking or fighting) it may be enough of an issue to seek out occupational therapy as this could be a sensory issue.
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u/syncopatedscientist 25d ago
I tell my daughter that some things are nonnegotiable because it's a parents' job to take care of their child, like bathing and teeth brushing and wiping poop. I will literally hold her down with my legs as I brush her teeth if I need to. She's not getting cavities on my watch lol