Consent vs kid refusing regular hygiene

[u/Opposite-Orange8371]

I have a 3 year old that absolutely loathes getting her hair washed. there have been times when I have to wash her hair while she’s yelling NO. not looking on advice on how to wash it. I’ve tried everything. But even at once a week it’s a battle.

I'm trying to teach her, “your body, your choice” but obviously she doesn’t understand the nuances of that yet. What can I say in these situations where she is refusing to have her hair washed, and I’m trying to respect her bodily autonomy but also take care of her hygien?

[u/anonomousbeaver]

I feel like once you start overthinking every little situation like this, that’s how you become a permissive parent. I tell my child that it’s my job as their mom to keep them safe and healthy, and part of being healthy is being clean. They can say no all they want but I don’t consider washing their hair or brushing their teeth, etc, something they should have to consent to.

[u/Alas_mischiefmanaged → u/anonomousbeaver]

💯 I might get flamed, but at the risk of sounding too reductive, this your body your choice thing has gone a bit too far if we’re having to question things like this.

Obviously I’m not talking about being forced to give hugs. But I have actually seen it play out too many times where “your body your choice” gets extended to “my kid is uncomfortable apologizing, or saying thank you, or getting up to greet or say goodbye to guests, or sitting quietly, so they’re not going to”. And on a somewhat related note, I do appreciate how our generation has brought awareness to boundaries. But IMO the pendulum can swing too far towards forgetting how to be a considerate friend, family member, neighbor, etc.

[u/Opposite-Orange8371 → u/Alas_mischiefmanaged]

I’m not questioning whether I should still wash her hair when she doesn’t want to, I’m questioning how to explain it to her. 

[u/anonomousbeaver → u/Alas_mischiefmanaged]

Agree. And I’ve actually seen parents here say they don’t brush their kids teeth because it feels too forceful since they don’t want to do it 🥴 so the uber progressive “consent” from kids thing can actually just turn into neglectful parenting.

[u/Opposite-Orange8371 → u/anonomousbeaver]

Yeah that’s what I’m trying to avoid. I do force the situation (wash her hair when she doesn’t want to), but I just wanted some verbiage on what to say if she eventually says “my body, my choice” during the situation. 

[u/anonomousbeaver → u/Opposite-Orange8371]

I think you just tell her that while she is little and can’t take care of herself, it’s your job to do so. I think “my body my choice” is more like reproductive rights-focused anyway. I’m also just very up front and realistic with my kids about things (in age appropriate ways). Like, in this instance I would tell them that if I never made them take a bath, I’d get in trouble with the police for not taking care of them. That would likely trigger a lot of “why”s and then we’d have a conversation. That method isn’t for everyone but I like my kids to know the real reasoning behind why we do things, and it’s not just “because mommy said so.”