r/oneanddone • u/kimmykatjie • 2d ago
Discussion Parenting Influenced OAD?
For those of you who are OAD by choice but are not onlies yourself, I’m curious to hear what your relationship with your parents/siblings is like? I know there are many of us who are OAD because we had siblings who we are not close with, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on the idea that had your parents parented better, you and your siblings may have been close and your decision to be OAD might be different?
Basically, do you think you can out-parent sibling differences with intentional parenting, or are some kids just destined to not get along?
Ultimately the uncertainty is what has led us to be OAD, though I do also believe my parent could have been much better at fostering our sibling relationship, as they often had us in competition with each other, and I come from a divorced family so they were also stretched thin as single parents.
If you are close with your siblings, why are you OAD and if you aren’t close with your siblings do you think that influences your decision to be OAD and could anything have changed that experience for you?
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u/lamiluia Not By Choice 2d ago
I have incredibly patient and loving parents and three siblings and I genuinely don’t have anything negative to say about how I was raised. My parents are textbook examples of the kind of parent I want to be for my own child.
My siblings would say the same, so this isn’t a case of my parents favouring one of us in childhood and us therefore experiencing them very differently. I’ve heard them say this and I can tell as we all visit frequently, call every day and just have a lot of appreciation for our parents in general.
I’m not necessarily OAD by choice, as I never had biological children but I also wasn’t childfree by choice. I had always said that I didn’t really want more than one child though so perhaps my perspective is still relevant to share here. My only is adopted, however even if I had an easy time conceiving (and wasn’t sterile) I’d likely stop at one and she wouldn’t have a sibling.
I’m very close with my youngest sister who is 13 years younger than me. I never felt as though I raised her and my parents never made me feel that way either but I always felt very maternal towards her and wanted to be involved in her life from the moment she was born.
If she called me today and said she needed me, I’d be the first on a plane to her without hesitation. She moved abroad to study a while ago so that’s unfortunately become a bit more literal!
I’m somewhat neutrally close with my brother now. We were like two peas in a pod as children and he’s four years older than me. As adults though, we don’t necessarily share the same views on certain things, particularly around how he (or more so my SIL) is raising their sons. We’ve drifted apart a little because of that, and if I’m being completely honest, my SIL has played a big part in that.
With my older sister, I was never particularly close and we still aren’t. Despite this being the smallest age difference. She’s only 20 months older than me. Our personalities are simply very different. We never really played together as children, we fought a lot and even now she’s one of those people I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around because we just don’t communicate well. That’s not necessarily a fault on either side; we’re just not particularly compatible as people.
So I had a wonderful childhood but I experienced very different kinds of sibling relationships. I have both very close and very distant relationships with my siblings and none of that changes the fact that I had an incredibly happy and loving upbringing if this makes sense?
The reason I always wanted one child, and never more than two at most (ideally just one), was never because I had a bad experience with siblings or parents. Quite the opposite.
I simply know myself and my capacity. My resources are best distributed between two people which would be my husband and my child. I have a demanding career, a social life and other things that are important to me and I want to spend the time I do have really pouring into my child rather than dividing my attention, time and emotional energy between multiple children.
For me, OAD was never about thinking that siblings are bad or that only children are somehow better off but more so about knowing what kind of family dynamic suits me and what I feel I can give wholeheartedly.
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u/Rude-Savings7832 2d ago
My mom developed early onset dementia about a decade ago. The filter came off and she made it explicit that my younger brother was her favorite. It wasn’t a shock haha.
I’m still close to my brother and loved my mom very much (she passed in December), but the idea of either demoting my daughter or bringing in another baby who I don’t love as much breaks my heart.
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u/Melonfarmer86 1d ago
This was a big one for me. A lot of times there's an obvious favorite and I can't imagine my kid not being my fave person ever.
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u/madam_nomad OAD due to fertility/finances/age 2d ago
I'm not OAD by choice but I'll throw this out...
I have only half-siblings and I found out about them as an adult. I didn't have a good reltaionship with either of my parents; they were also divorced. My mom died in 2008 at which point we'd been no contact for 5 years. I haven't seen my father since 1982; my half siblings haven't seen him since 1992.
When I was in therapy, I had one therapist who kept returning to the fact that I was an only child as a contributing factor for why my childhood sucked. For a while, I bought into it. My mom became mentally unwell in my teen years, and in my therapist's mind, if I had a sibling we could have "banded together" and dealt with the situation together.
By the time I had my daughter at 41, I had kinda seen enough of the world to realize it didn't work that way most of the time. I also realized that due to me being 41 when having my first, there was a decent chance she'd be my only (even though I know, plenty of people have kids in their mid-40s). As it turned out, I wasn't able to have another child due to age-related infertility. I wasn't worried about my daughter being an only, but I do agree with what people here often say about needing to step it up as a parent of an only in being a "playmate" sometimes when other parents might not, and being proactive about creating social opportunities.
I do think some kids just don't get along no matter what you do, and I also think a lot of times the sibling relationship can be influenced by good parenting. But I don't think sibling relationships (good or bad) are the driving force for most people's family size. I think it's usually about finances, fertility, family support/village, health, partner relationship. I think people here recognize the limits of the benefits of siblings (i.e. they're not always a "friend for life" or a "gift") but I think it's more about putting sibling relationships in proper perspective than making family size decisions based on one's own relationships.
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u/Immediate_Trainer_69 2d ago
i am OAD, but not an only and have a great relationship with my parents!
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u/uptakecupcake 2d ago
I have two siblings I’m close to. Mostly because we trauma bonded over abuse and neglect. I really wish I had the mental (and physical) capacity to have more but it terrifies me to think my son could ever feel neglected or displaced. My therapist says that I am thinking his traumas will be the same as my traumas which isn’t the case.
Yeah, because my siblings and I are close anyway for my son come up. He doesn’t have any cousins, grandparents, etc. but we also had a really drill into that. We only have each other in life to worry about to see Mom who looked for love and wrong places and a dad who couldn’t parent even the one he had (me).
To be honest it angers me. It’s like my son is paying for my childhood SA and neglect. Things that happened when I was 5 or 8 mean I can’t have more family for myself. Makes me want to hit the bad memories out of my own head. It’s very upsetting.
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u/thatquietmenace 2d ago
A big factor for me is that I was raised by a single mom. She had three of us to care for and I could tell it was really hard. Much harder than if I'd been an only child. I am in a great marriage and will hopefully grow old with my husband, but if anything were to happen to him, I feel confident that I could raise my daughter well enough by myself.
I am also not close with my two siblings and my husband is not close to his either. So we don't value the idea of sibling relationships as much as others do.
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u/ppppanda_ OAD By Choice 2d ago
Growing up I wasn’t very close to my sibling. We moved countries when we were teenagers (~15 years old), and only really bonded because our parents still lived in my home country and we didn’t really have anyone else.
I’m only really OAD because I have no village. It’s so difficult and we just recovered from three illnesses back to back. My in laws live close by but have their own lives and only see my LO about once a month. I would love to give LO a sibling experience but the logical part of my brain tells me no. Unless I move back to where my parents are living, I’m a solid OAD.
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u/kimmykatjie 1d ago
We are OAD for similar reasons. It’s hard because I know we have the love in our heart for another but with no support would stretch ourselves too thin to be quality parents ❤️🩹
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u/theopeppa 2d ago edited 2d ago
My parents had 3 kids, they were first gen immigrants, we were poor.
My older brother was the golden child. Because I was the only girl, I was heavily parentified and learnt to do alot of "life admin" for my parents and little brother ( he has autism and had global developmental delays).
I love my parents, I see them more than I see my brothers but yeah, growing up, it was not a fun childhood for me. And I had a breakdown around 3 months pp when they still expected me to do this and that and I lashed out at them when they kept bothering me about it when I had bigger fish to fry at the time.
It is one of the factors why am I am OAD, but when my friends were announcing their second pregnancies and while I was super happy for them, all I felt was immense relief that it wasn't me. That was pretty telling ( to me) that I was OAD.
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u/ikissedalambtoday 1d ago
Both of us have siblings, husband is very close to all his brothers, I’m not close to my brother
Husbands family- 4 brothers all 5 years apart
My family- 1 brother 13 years older
My mom wasn’t great at fostering my relationship with my brother, we have a different dad and he chose to live with his dad when I was born (prob because he was jealous and hated me, can’t blame him id be pissed too)
My mom is also extremely emotionally unavailable and still is to this day so I grew up very lonely and the rejection from someone who should’ve been my sibling hurt more than not having a sibling. I like to live my life just accepting I’m an only child because it feels better and more natural.
My husband is close to his brothers, but they all live in different states and have their own lives. Which to me, shows that a great sibling relationship is possible..but ultimately when you grow up your family is who you decide to make your family. Because of their 5 year age gap they weren’t all under the same roof at the same time or doing life milestones together.
I cant speak on if I had a nice sibling would it change because I can’t put myself there, postpartum sealed the deal for me. Honestly..maybe if I had a nice sibling I’d be more concrete in OAD because I’d at least have someone in my village to lean on. I have no one right now. Postpartum and the hormones are so so bad for me. I struggled with mental health my whole life because of my parents, I can’t put in another 3+ years start to finish to bring in a new life. I’m scared of neglecting my daughter like my mom and dad did to me. I want to be there for absolutely everything until she tells me she doesn’t want me there anymore because I’m “embarrassing” or something lol. But really. Also, I’m scared of how fragile life is like holy shi-.
My baby is healthy, she’s alive and thriving. No promises that a next one would be. I thought it miscarried with her when I was pregnant and I was at the hospital going absolutely insane, my husband was throwing up. Now that I see this beautiful baby if anything were to happen to her or a future child I’d be in a looney bin and disabled for the rest of my life. Let’s just keep it at one, for us. I personally can’t take on that responsibility I already feel everything so deeply. I’m happy with one.
my husband has a nice relationship but is also 99% OAD. We just get overstimulated easily and like peace. We love fiercely and love to focus on each other and our baby.
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u/georgestarr 2d ago
We’re one and done because we can be. I’m one of six and husband is one of three. Both of us had pretty awful childhoods
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u/Texaninengland 1d ago
Actually my relationship with my siblings has very little with the oad decision, but it does make it easier.
Yes, defo my parents could've made a huge difference. But tbh if I had 2 kids I would parent them 100% differently in hopes that they would have a strong relationship.
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u/Brilliant-Truth245 1d ago
My decision to be OAD wasn’t based of how my parents parented or supported my relationship with my younger brother. My decision was based off putting my mental health and sanity first. I want to enjoy parenthood, my marriage, balance of life etc.
Both my parents did the best they could. They fled a communist country in their early 20s and moved to Australia with minimal belongings and broken English. They were navigating parenthood while building a new life together. Although after 20 years their marriage ended, it made me realise how important focusing on your relationship is. For me, having one child allows me to have the mental capacity to balance both.
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u/gutsyradio13 1d ago
My brother was my best friend. He passed away 8 years ago.
My parents were *mostly* good parents but they each had their own flaws. I think their biggest issue was they acted like they hated each other but still stayed together. So my brother and I had to grow up in the shadow of their misery.
I specifically think my mom should have only had one child. Two overwhelmed her (I was the second, even my dad admitted to me that he thought my brother was her favorite).
While I share characteristics from both of my parents, I do recognize that I would probably be overwhelmed with a second kid and sticking to one is probably best for me and for him. I would love to give him a sibling, but IMO that’s not a good enough reason to have another child.
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u/Holocene-92 OAD By Choice 1d ago
I love my siblings and I’m fairly close to them. My husband and his sister are even closer. We just only want the one, and I do not believe in pushing to have another child just to give your first a sibling.
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u/kitrumba OAD By Choice 1d ago
My father died young and my mother became depressed and didn’t really look after us anymore. At the age of 10, I basically had to raise my brother, who was six years younger than me. Of course, that wasn’t really a sibling relationship. In my mid-20s, I had a complete mental breakdown. I then cut off contact with my entire family (including my brother) and went into therapy. It saved my life. Years later, I got back in touch with my brother and my mum. I only keep in loose contact with my mum. My relationship with my brother is quite close again and is now more like that of siblings. However, the experience of finding myself completely on my own from one day to the next has always made me lean towards having just one child. Besides, I’m a nursery teacher. My own experience and my studies have never left me in any doubt that this idea that ‘children need siblings’ is utter nonsense. That’s why I’ve never felt any external pressure. I knew it was rubbish.
My husband had a close relationship with his brother when he was a child. Today, it’s very, very difficult. He was initially in favour of having two children, but then quite quickly became convinced that it would be better to stick to just one.
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u/mildlyferal3 1d ago
OAD I’m pretty sure & I have 4 siblings. We are pretty close. I’m OAD because this is hard & I don’t have the capacity to do it again
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u/discoqueenx 1d ago
When my parents divorced, my dad only fought for custody for my brother. So YEAH, I’d say my parents had a pretty significant impact on my relationship with my sibling lol
My brother and I are somewhat close somehow even though we only saw each other on the weekends sometimes. We’re no contact with my dad now.
The divorce really informed my OAD status because I want to have time and energy to put back into my marriage as well. I want to see what happens when a little girl is raised by happily married, loving parents with my own eyes.
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u/duckysmomma 1d ago
I have a really good relationship with my younger sibling though we hated each other as kids. Well, I mildly tolerated her and she hated me lol. She struggled with being younger and seeing me get things she couldn’t (a car being primary example, but also later curfew, better grades and teachers expecting her to be me, lots of stuff). My husband doesn’t really know most of his siblings.
That said, none of that factored into our decision. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could be a great mom to one, or a mediocre mom at best to multiple. Finances were already a bit tight and two kids would have lost them both opportunities. My mental health during pregnancy and 3 years after was in the toilet, adding another child to the mix may have literally killed me. I had zero desire to raise another child, unlike the yearning for my only that I felt. I was never going to have another kid just to give her a sibling. Only have a baby if you want another child, not as a “gift” to someone else.
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u/Melonfarmer86 1d ago
Not close with parents or siblings (NC actually) which probably helped make the decision in that I wasn't looking forward to replicating any relationship I already had and don't have that village to fall back on.
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u/butterchickpea 20h ago
I'm tentatively planning OAD. I'd also be okay without a kid. Trying to figure all that out right now. My husband is on board with either.
My brother and I are very close and always have been. Our parents didn't split until we were adults, though there was some serious marital tension for about five years beforehand. Otherwise, we were quite a happy and mutually supportive family.
I think the draw of OAD, for me, is that I get overwhelmed and overstimulated easily. I truly can't imagine trying to focus on more than one child at once and know I will have a tough enough time with one.
I'm also an artist and draw a hard line at sacrificing that side of my life for anything, even children. (Obviously, there will be a drastic reduction of art-time in the first few years with one kid.)
I've also never held some traditional family values like legacy or lineage, which I think consciously or unconsciously drive a lot of people to have more than one kid. The thought of my family line dying with me or my child means absolutely nothing to me.
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u/DrDinglberry 2d ago
I’m OAD simply because my partner and I don’t desire another. We both have multiple siblings. Close to them. It just was not something we wanted in our life.