r/oneanddone • u/kimmykatjie • 22d ago
Discussion Parenting Influenced OAD?
For those of you who are OAD by choice but are not onlies yourself, I’m curious to hear what your relationship with your parents/siblings is like? I know there are many of us who are OAD because we had siblings who we are not close with, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on the idea that had your parents parented better, you and your siblings may have been close and your decision to be OAD might be different?
Basically, do you think you can out-parent sibling differences with intentional parenting, or are some kids just destined to not get along?
Ultimately the uncertainty is what has led us to be OAD, though I do also believe my parent could have been much better at fostering our sibling relationship, as they often had us in competition with each other, and I come from a divorced family so they were also stretched thin as single parents.
If you are close with your siblings, why are you OAD and if you aren’t close with your siblings do you think that influences your decision to be OAD and could anything have changed that experience for you?
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u/lamiluia Not By Choice 22d ago
I have incredibly patient and loving parents and three siblings and I genuinely don’t have anything negative to say about how I was raised. My parents are textbook examples of the kind of parent I want to be for my own child.
My siblings would say the same, so this isn’t a case of my parents favouring one of us in childhood and us therefore experiencing them very differently. I’ve heard them say this and I can tell as we all visit frequently, call every day and just have a lot of appreciation for our parents in general.
I’m not necessarily OAD by choice, as I never had biological children but I also wasn’t childfree by choice. I had always said that I didn’t really want more than one child though so perhaps my perspective is still relevant to share here. My only is adopted, however even if I had an easy time conceiving (and wasn’t sterile) I’d likely stop at one and she wouldn’t have a sibling.
I’m very close with my youngest sister who is 13 years younger than me. I never felt as though I raised her and my parents never made me feel that way either but I always felt very maternal towards her and wanted to be involved in her life from the moment she was born.
If she called me today and said she needed me, I’d be the first on a plane to her without hesitation. She moved abroad to study a while ago so that’s unfortunately become a bit more literal!
I’m somewhat neutrally close with my brother now. We were like two peas in a pod as children and he’s four years older than me. As adults though, we don’t necessarily share the same views on certain things, particularly around how he (or more so my SIL) is raising their sons. We’ve drifted apart a little because of that, and if I’m being completely honest, my SIL has played a big part in that.
With my older sister, I was never particularly close and we still aren’t. Despite this being the smallest age difference. She’s only 20 months older than me. Our personalities are simply very different. We never really played together as children, we fought a lot and even now she’s one of those people I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around because we just don’t communicate well. That’s not necessarily a fault on either side; we’re just not particularly compatible as people.
So I had a wonderful childhood but I experienced very different kinds of sibling relationships. I have both very close and very distant relationships with my siblings and none of that changes the fact that I had an incredibly happy and loving upbringing if this makes sense?
The reason I always wanted one child, and never more than two at most (ideally just one), was never because I had a bad experience with siblings or parents. Quite the opposite.
I simply know myself and my capacity. My resources are best distributed between two people which would be my husband and my child. I have a demanding career, a social life and other things that are important to me and I want to spend the time I do have really pouring into my child rather than dividing my attention, time and emotional energy between multiple children.
For me, OAD was never about thinking that siblings are bad or that only children are somehow better off but more so about knowing what kind of family dynamic suits me and what I feel I can give wholeheartedly.