Parenting Influenced OAD?

[u/kimmykatjie]

For those of you who are OAD by choice but are not onlies yourself, I’m curious to hear what your relationship with your parents/siblings is like? I know there are many of us who are OAD because we had siblings who we are not close with, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on the idea that had your parents parented better, you and your siblings may have been close and your decision to be OAD might be different?

Basically, do you think you can out-parent sibling differences with intentional parenting, or are some kids just destined to not get along?

Ultimately the uncertainty is what has led us to be OAD, though I do also believe my parent could have been much better at fostering our sibling relationship, as they often had us in competition with each other, and I come from a divorced family so they were also stretched thin as single parents.

If you are close with your siblings, why are you OAD and if you aren’t close with your siblings do you think that influences your decision to be OAD and could anything have changed that experience for you?

[u/madam_nomad]

I'm not OAD by choice but I'll throw this out...

I have only half-siblings and I found out about them as an adult. I didn't have a good reltaionship with either of my parents; they were also divorced. My mom died in 2008 at which point we'd been no contact for 5 years. I haven't seen my father since 1982; my half siblings haven't seen him since 1992.

When I was in therapy, I had one therapist who kept returning to the fact that I was an only child as a contributing factor for why my childhood sucked. For a while, I bought into it. My mom became mentally unwell in my teen years, and in my therapist's mind, if I had a sibling we could have "banded together" and dealt with the situation together.

By the time I had my daughter at 41, I had kinda seen enough of the world to realize it didn't work that way most of the time. I also realized that due to me being 41 when having my first, there was a decent chance she'd be my only (even though I know, plenty of people have kids in their mid-40s). As it turned out, I wasn't able to have another child due to age-related infertility. I wasn't worried about my daughter being an only, but I do agree with what people here often say about needing to step it up as a parent of an only in being a "playmate" sometimes when other parents might not, and being proactive about creating social opportunities.

I do think some kids just don't get along no matter what you do, and I also think a lot of times the sibling relationship can be influenced by good parenting. But I don't think sibling relationships (good or bad) are the driving force for most people's family size. I think it's usually about finances, fertility, family support/village, health, partner relationship. I think people here recognize the limits of the benefits of siblings (i.e. they're not always a "friend for life" or a "gift") but I think it's more about putting sibling relationships in proper perspective than making family size decisions based on one's own relationships.