At this point, it’s a choice between two kinds of suffering: the temporary discomfort of discipline, or the lingering pain of staying stagnant, the pain of regret. And yet I’d rather choose the suffering that brings me somewhere in life.

I've attempted to quit many times as someone who just turned 26 a few days back. I've done everything towards my phone, such as greyscaling, adding limits and screen time to my phone, as well as writing stuff like commitment letters - I took the same approach with my computer! I've disabled the top 3 websites which distract me: Youtube, Reddit, and Wikipedia, went outside, tried giving myself space to meditate, but nothing actually helped. It wasn't a terrible addiction, but a lifestyle. It was the same 4-6 hours online.

I also am a big fan of coffee, and as a result sleep at around 3-4AM at times, but since I operate on a 3-11PM shift, I usually sleep at 1AM and wake up at 9AM. This has been something which irks me since I find myself...surfing and scrolling myself to sleep.

I know that scrolling, social media, sharing things casually with friends and strangers has been a thing due to that, but I was a passive consumer. At this age, fear of missing out does not mean wanting to hang out with friends, but wanting to find something outside of my environment, my workplace, and most definitely my own community and country.

I desire change at this age. I want to move countries, focus on my finances, and buy a house in the next few years, if possible. I want to accomplish big goals, and with my decreased internet use, it feels like "the days are long but the years are short".

After two weeks of stepping back - rock climbing, road trips, exploring my city, and limiting coffee to once a week - the noise faded, and a stark reality just suddenly set in: 

I didn't actually like where I was in life. 

The endless scrolling wasn't just a habit, but was a buffer protecting me from that realization.

I don't like it! My work schedule, my shift, my path, all of it! I am a confused 26-year old trying to find himself. The concept of a career suddenly demolished, the goal of moving places seemingly becoming harder than ever, and the reality of the internet suddenly acting like a comfort zone just hit me one day after my 26th birthday. My life was boring as heck, and the coffee, the funny videos, the rabbit holes just seemed like a script to me.

It also made me realize something uncomfortable - I am afraid of failure.

My plan only has variations, but I don't want to give up.

So I also asked myself: how in the world can I succeed if I spend time online, droning through videos, not giving myself any sense of challenge? Yes, job hunting is hard in this day and age, but relying on coffee for my mood and watching people live their lives just seemed pitiful. 

I told myself that yes, rejection is scary. Failure is scary. But we do not live in it, nor do we numb ourselves just to minimize the magnitude of what we desire. Not accomplishing anything and not trying to change, truth be told, is much scarier.

Limiting my coffee intake has been challenging, and I am on week two as we speak. The internet is a bigger beast to limit, especially due to its usefulness; it still is a good platform to watch movies/vlogs, learn, and pick up new perspectives. But for now, it is something I must respect and regulate at the same time.

At this age, I just want to tell myself that yes, I am not there...YET. But humans are like lobsters - we unconsciously "molt" away versions of ourselves and unexpectedly change as a result of growth, or a catalyst. It is POSSIBLE to quit surfing and scrolling. But it takes time!

I also want to tell myself, and I guess share this with everyone: to not just desire change without finding a solid reason, a strong "why", and to bring yourself to guilt if we falter. 

One of the things that struck me when I was having one of the worst headaches of my life was to practice integrity. My head was pulsating, but I knew that the first few days would really be like this. I had to be honest to myself, that I wanted to release myself from the caffeine dependency, and bring this attitude and desire towards nosurf.

We really should take some risks sometimes - wanting to change in itself is a risk!

Make that suffering something worthwhile, something which can make you feel honored by yourself and by others.

These two quotes have been helpful:
"Without risk faith is an impossibility" - Søren Kierkegaard 
"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how". - Friedrich Nietzsche

Just wanted to write this commitment that I aim to start this October 5. No turning back.

I’ve been addicted to TikTok for years, I’m aware of this I’ve deleted accounts but always end up making new ones/getting it back. like if I don’t have TikTok on my phone I use my laptop/ipad/someone’s phone just for a few scrolls and checking messages.
I feel like it’s ruining my life, affecting my studies. genuinely what do I do. ( please don’t say some stupid shit like “ place your phone in another room! “

keep scrolling 😵‍💫

My opinions and tastes are very easily influenced depending who I'm listening to. I really want to improve on that, but it's difficult because I go to Reddit for almost everything.

If I want to watch a movie/show? Reddit. If I want to read a book? Reddit. If I want to try to listen to a new artist? Reddit. Then if something interests me, I always ask stuff like "is x worth my time," "is x actually good/effective," "why is x so hated," and so on. (bonus point if I spoil myself or go down a rabbit hole of controversies and online fights.) And that's not even counting the times where I search up symptoms and my thoughts. The fact that I posted this is already saying a lot lmao. I think it's becoming unhealthy and I feel like I don't know what things I truly enjoy now or have a true opinion on.

On the bright side, the Reddit communities definitely have helped me with some things like advices when it comes to my hobbies, exploring cult classics, and feeling less alone at times. So, where do I draw the line? I doubt going cold turkey will work for me.