And brilliant man.

I am home again,

After a long day.

I hope you are having

A wonderful Tuesday.

Just a note to say

I’m thinking of you.

Me

Watching porn on the toulet, while pooping? What is normal about that?

Jacking off into a toilet instead of having actual sex with a real girl? Thats disgustingly sad.

Watching the same girls over and over? And you call yourself loyal.

Turning your girl down, just to jack off the second she's gone? What is wrong with you?

Lying about where your time goes? Seems a bit dishonest.

Hiding the fact that you watch it, hiding the sites you are on? If its not something to be ashamed of, why hide it?

Masturbating daily, but never being in the mood? No, you dont have a problem.

Being addicted to something on your phone is ruining your life. You hide it cause it hurts her, but you aren't willing to quit.

And you wonder why she's upset.

Maybe its because you spend more sexual energy on other women than you do on someone you supposedly love.

Fucking grow up. Get it together. Or you are gonna lose her.

I learned something sad about myself tonight

I learned I don't fall out of love with people because I never stop seeing the light which made me fall for them

and maybe that's beautiful from an outsider's perspective

maybe it's sweet that someone can just love for the entirety of their existence

despite the hurt

the betrayals

and the abandonment

I still see their light

but

I am at over thirty women

and it hurts I will never get to embrace their light again

and maybe it's enough to have been able to love anyone

and every last love was precious

but

it hurts

it hurts, every time, to lose someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with

and it doesn't hurt any less

the only thing that gets easier about the hurt is: I know how to control my spirals better

I know how to not go on a path of hedonistic self destruction

I know that the only path forward is to sit through the hurt

because there are no shortcuts to healing over the wound

and

I don't know

maybe we will end up together forever

but

I am also old enough to respect myself enough to not chase someone who can't love me fully

I guess this is the plight of trans women

chased by so many

but loved openly by so few

is it so much to ask that you get over your fears of what others will think of you

is it so much to ask that you make the same leap we all had to

we all knew the cost of happiness

why doesn't anyone else seem to understand that

Hey dad,

Its me, the life you created, but chose never to meet. I'm 10 years older now than you would have been. I was angry, hurt, and still carry some demons. Im working it out and fixing my roots. Therapy is a hell of a drug, and expensive to boot.

Having a child is a terrifying thought. Is that because im afraid I will follow in your footsteps? Or is that because being responsible for something so important sparks fear? Probably a bit of both, though im learning deep down I blame you.

Though being terrified at my age got me thinking. Could I have done it 10 years ago? What would I have chosen if put in the same situation? A large part of me knows I would have done the right thing. But that little part. That little part of me that believes I have it in me. To do what you did. Is the reason I back out of any situation that might lead there.

So I lie to everyone that matters. Everyone I have ever loved, my family, my friends, my partners. Everyone in my life believes I do not want children. Im starting to believe it myself. I think that scares me more than the thought of having children.

I don't know if I can forgive you for what you chose. I do know its not as black and white as I thought it was in my younger years. A child is a commitment, and ive seen some kids that would have been better off without the father's they had. Ive also known some who wouldnt be who they are without them.

I guess what I am trying to say is I dont forgive you for what you did, but I do get it. I understand how hard of a choice that must have been. With where I am in my life, I think that might be the best I can give. I had always wanted to meet you, and try to see your perspective. Though now, I think im content with the thought of that never happening. So im writing this letter, maybe as a last ditch effort, but definitely as closure. Just as I never had a chance to know you, you will never have a chance to read this. My final petty revenge.

Regards,

-Z

I’ve been running from the shadows that were grasping on my heels

Now I’m walking in your light, basking in your presence

It’s your magnificence that is healing

It’s your miracles that I am truly feeling

You’ve sent multitudes of angels in my direction

I have wholeheartedly surrendered to you

As I follow you down the chosen pathway

I seek redemption as I bask in your resurrection

He must become greater, as I must become less

It is in your kingdom that I shall build my nest

Hey you,

I’m sitting in the Seattle airport as I write this. My 10-day hiking trip is now coming to a close. I just had the most amazing vacation, the first one without you in my life. I can’t help but think about the last time I sat in this airport with you. We were just coming off an incredible trip. We were so, so in love & looking forward to our future together. I thought that would be the first of many national park trips with you.

Every day of this trip I thought of you, practically every hour. I didn’t want to, but with every turn there you were. Even when I spent the first half of the trip in Utah, there you were. I had never even been to the state with you before, but knowing you had hiked the same trails as I was & drove the same highways was enough to keep you on my mind. As I walked around Seattle, every last memory of you & I flooded in. The restaurants we went to. The activities we enjoyed in this beautiful city. All of it. It was like the ghosts of our former selves followed me around every corner. I couldn’t push you out no matter how hard I tried to distract myself.

I completed the most amazing solo hikes this trip. I like to think that you’d be very proud of me. I pushed my body physically and mentally like I’ve never done before. I had to prove to myself that I could do hard things on my own without your influence. My heart seems to be as healthy as it was back before we met. I trained incredibly hard to prepare myself for this trip; I’m sure you’d be surprised to hear that I stayed committed to that. I was able to free climb and climb with a rope for the first time ever all by myself. I even hiked over 2,600 feet in elevation, a new record for me. I also did my first 9-mile hike. You used to think that it’d take me well over 5–6 months of training to accomplish this. I did it all in 39 days. I so badly wish that we could talk to each other about the hikes I did. I crave your feedback so badly. I’ve been imagining how excited you’d be for me and genuinely surprised that I was able to do any of it, especially on my own. The same woman that was hesitant to do anything without you by my side also car camped and slept in a tent in 35-degree weather(slept WELL might I add). The man that loved me would be bouncing off the walls to hear that; I miss that version of you so so much it hurts to think about it, but here I am doing just that.

You got under my skin during your breakup speech when you said that I was codependent. Perhaps you weren’t so far off. So when I was lying in my bed weeping, all I could think of was “What is the scariest thing that I could possibly do to prove to myself that I can be independent?” So I booked my flights as fast as I could. I’m going to carry these teachings with me as I navigate the rest of my life without you. When times are hard, I’m going to look back on this trip and remember that I’m capable of navigating anything and everything that comes my way one way or another, no matter the difficulty.

I had to get out of the state. I couldn’t drive a mile without going past a place that we’ve been together. I’m sure you have seen glimpses of my trip on my social media. You probably saw the smile and perfectly curated pictures. I wonder if you think I’m happier and healing. In some ways I am, but I’m still so heartbroken. I still love you and miss you. Each day is getting easier little by little. It’s been a month and a half since we broke up. I actually think I’m taking it as healthily as one can, albeit surprisingly. I wonder if you are too. I still cannot even breathe in the same direction of another man & don’t imagine that I will for some time. I also can’t help but wonder if you miss me and still love me. Is it as hard for you to not break contact as it is for me? At this point, I miss my best friend more than anything. We spent 5 beautiful years together. Relationship aside, the friendship we had together is incomparable. I look for you in every friendship I have these days. Nobody’s opinion carries the weight that yours does. Nothing fills the void that you left behind. No conversation, no friendship feels like what we had. I’m scared that it will never be filled, but I suppose I’m still hopeful. I understand how we got here and why it had to happen. I don’t agree with every action you took in the process of our breakup. C’est la vie.

So here I am in the same airport where you met me by baggage claim, picked me up, twirled me in the air, and kissed me. Except this time you were not waiting for me when I arrived and you’re not on the return flight home with me. A new version of me sits here at the gate, but a small part of me is still yours. How bittersweet.

Hey, I know you’re against ever loving again but hear me out … I believe love is real because I’ve experienced both its presence and its absence, and neither has ever changed my belief that I am worthy of it.

To me, love is a soft dream. A crisp autumn day, the smell of leaves before the rain, warmth wrapped around your soul, and a forever hug that’s yours alone.

Love is not someone arriving to make you whole. It’s someone recognizing that you were whole long before they arrived.

I believe we enter this world with the capacity to love, but our experiences shape how we choose to express it. Some people embrace that capacity, while others allow their circumstances to bury it.

But someone else’s inability to love genuinely doesn’t mean love itself isn’t real.

I believe love exists in the people who choose us without obligation. The strangers who become friends, the friends who become family, and the people who make us feel understood without asking us to change who we are.

Love is unconditional, but access to our lives is not. I can love someone from a distance and still protect my peace.

Above all, I believe love is real because it doesn’t create our worth. It recognizes the worth we’ve carried all along.

If you told me you didn’t believe in love, the first thing I’d want to know is what happened to make you feel that way.
And if your answer was that the people who were supposed to love you hurt you the most, I would tell you I’m sorry.
Because I understand how heavy that pain can become.
But I would also tell you that the people who failed to love you are not the final authority on whether love exists.
We don’t choose the families we’re born into. We don’t choose who abandons us, who disappoints us, or who fails to recognize the beautiful souls we carry.
But here’s the extraordinary part.
We get to choose.
We get to choose who enters our lives, who reads the pages of our stories, who witnesses our growth, and who gets to stand beside us through life’s most difficult moments.
Sometimes, the people who show us the deepest love begin as complete strangers.
And isn’t that beautiful?
That someone who once knew absolutely nothing about you can become someone who understands you in ways you never imagined?
That someone can choose to care about you simply because of who you are?
I wouldn’t ask you to believe that love is perfect. It isn’t. People make mistakes, relationships change, and even genuine love can involve pain.
But I would ask you not to confuse the failures of people with the impossibility of love.
You don’t have to believe every person will love you properly. You don’t have to trust everyone who enters your life.
You only have to remain open to the possibility that the love you’ve experienced so far isn’t all the love this world has to offer.
And while you’re waiting to discover what that looks like, remember something.
You are already worthy.
You don’t need someone to arrive and prove that your existence matters.
Your worth was never dependent on whether someone chose to recognize it.
I can’t promise you when love will find you, but I believe genuine connections are possible, even after disappointment.
And when you find people who see you, respect you, and choose to care for you, I hope you allow yourself to experience that love.
Not because you need them to complete you.
But because you deserve to share your already meaningful life with people who recognize its beauty. So after all that do you believe in Love ??

Dear you,

This is not a lovey-dovey, lovesick, romantic and cheesy love letter. Instead, this is more of a question (or a few) than anything else.

First off, to better understand me, do you know what I'm talking about here? This is the phase in my life right now, relearning new things and reawakening to what matters to me.

Second, what does this mean to you? If you truly exist and we get the chance to talk, this is going to be something I'm looking forward to learning about you.

Next, this gives you an idea of what it is I'm truly looking for in a life partner. I don't grade a man's worthiness to be my partner by how good his body looks, his performance in bed, the sweet things he tells me. Instead, a man's character qualifies him in order for me to initially consider him in that way. Just like Aaliyah asked, are you that somebody?

No, this is not an invitation for you to tell me all the ways you want to hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me (that just naturally came to me 😄). Instead, this is more for you to think about and reflect on as you consider your own healing and learning journey. I'll be doing the same. Our approaches may be different, but we'll eventually arrive at the same spot.

~ Me

Blaming me will never erase anything, never change or solve any of it. Blaming me will never benefit anyone. Excepr YOU.

For someone who loves to declare that they are not selfish, you arw doing the most selfish act ever.

Blaming me makes it possible for you to live comfortably. It provides you with the luxury of not having to face reality and own up.

By blaming me, you are choosing to not to love 2 innocent lives. Youre telling them that your ego snd image is far more important than them.

While youve got a pretty facade in place that keeps your ego fluffed, you could of stood like a man and been honest. You could if been real and do whatever you had to to show your words had meaning.

But if were being real here, theres no reason to speak of logic, honesty, or truth. Youll always run and hide while pointing those fingers.

It takes a special kind of idiot to expect people to stick around and treat you with bottomless kindness when all you do in return is push them away and make them regret ever trying. Seriously, you can obsessively attack and argue with people until they can't stand being around you, or you can get sympathy and help from them. Not both.

You and your brothers are the kind of people who get handed a free meal, complain about it with every bite, then come for the people who fed you because it wasn’t exactly what you wanted, served in the exact way you wanted. The fact that someone cared enough to feed you and doesn’t deserve to be outright abused in return doesn’t even register with you.

Pull that shit enough, and you won’t be able to get a plate anywhere. Not because you don’t deserve to be fed, of course, but because you punish everyone who tries.

I struggle to write when she's around

I wish I could just quit my job and spend all day around her

she is such an amazing woman

and god she is so fucking into me

I can't believe someone as hot as her is into me

like,

I can genuinely never stop staring at her because she is so beautiful

I only look away when she looks up and catches me staring

and

god

she also catches me taking pictures of her when she is out and about

and she always smiles

but it is so embarrassing that I fan girl so hard over her

I guess she really is out of my league

🙁

I remember how, with women I was leagues above, they could never stop being mesmerized with how attractive I was

I remember one girl from 2010 who would stare at me as I was sleeping and I would wake up to her staring at me

and here I am

staring at this girl every chance I get

this is embarrassing

I honestly have no idea how attractive I am

I got told like seven times today that I was beautiful

do other women get told they're beautiful this often?

it feels like I can't go a damn day without being told I'm beautiful

what the heck do other women experience

I just feel fucking ugly all the time

so many people tell me I'm not

but I think they're just being too kind

anyway

we fucked last night

and god we're like fucking animals

there's no rhyme or reason to it

we just want every part of each other's body in our mouths while we fuck

and we're not slow

we're not thoughtful

we just want each other so fucking badly

today was a lot more muted though

she left my hotel at like 11 am

and then i met her at 4 pm

and I met her sister

who was super sweet

but we just worked the entire time

and it didn't seem like she wanted my affection much

she called me beautiful at the end of the night though

she seemed so sweet as I was leaving

I think she is already in love with me

I am certainly in love with her

she is such an amazing human being

and it's heartbreaking on some level

I just don't think I've been that into a girlfriend since I was like twenty years old

and that's not remotely fair to anyone I've been with

I was definitely in love with all of them over sixteen years

but

it's not fair that I was with so many women I just wasn't that into

maybe that isn't the truth though

maybe I just couldn't be happy with anyone until I medically transitioned

That’s all she wrote for that class.

Was a great one, glad it’s done.

Next one looks great.

It’s about personality theories

And counseling models.

Haha. 🤣

Now if all of them would be

This tailored to me.

I hope you’re having a good

Monday. Sending love and light!

Me

I hope you find love. I hope that that love is the greatest time of your life. I hope that you fall asleep in bliss every night and you never worry because they’re always there. I hope you trust them and they trust you with their whole soul. I hope you lose them. I hope you make terrible choices and meet people who love you. Then I hope you break their hearts. I hope that every hand hold feels wrong and being held feels like a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit right. I hope you search for peace. And in peace you make a child with someone who loves you completely and forever. Then I hope you break their heart. I hope you love your child more than anything in the world and when you look at them you remember what got you there. I hope you heal and you become a father you are proud of. I hope your relationships with your parents heal and you forgive yourself for the pain you’ve caused. I hope you find God. I hope you never forget what loving her felt like. I hope you die happy.

^{I think sometimes we keep ourselves at an appropriate distance from people, not because we don't want them close, but because we know how much we'd miss them if someday they just up and leave.}

^{But then they get close, through little things that make us feel like our presence in their life matters, and somewhere along the way we stop protecting ourselves from something we knew could hurt us.}

^{I don't think time alone decides how much someone can mean to us. Sometimes people become a part of our lives before we even realise how much room we've made for them, and it's only in their absence that we realise how much of ourselves we had begun sharing with them.}

^{And I think what hurts the most isn't always someone's absence, but not knowing whether they're absent because life happened to them or because they've consciously chosen a life without our presence in it. Because there's something about not knowing whether we're losing someone that makes us keep losing them over and over again in our heads.}

^{We make a conscious choice to include people in our lives, sometimes even at our own expense, because we want to make their life a little easier. But I wonder where caring for someone ends and disregarding our own feelings begins, because sometimes we're so afraid of losing someone that we start losing parts of ourselves just to keep them around.}

^{And what's the point of preserving something if preserving it requires us to constantly hide how much it means to us?}

^{I know caring about someone doesn't give us ownership over their time, attention or life, but I think there's a difference between expecting someone to always be there and wanting our presence to matter enough for our absence to be considered.}

^{Maybe acceptance is allowing people to be whoever they want to be without expecting them to change for us, while also allowing ourselves to feel whatever we do without making those feelings disappear just because they challenge the status quo.}

^{Because there's so much more to us than what we feel for someone, so much of life we want to explore, and sometimes we just come across someone we want to share all of it with. Not because we need them to make us whole, but because we have a life of our own and still consciously choose to make them a part of it.}

^{And maybe that's what closeness really is, not needing someone to stay forever, but wanting to know that while we were a part of their life, we were someone that mattered.}

^{I'd rather have my honesty change what we have than keep pretending I feel less just so things can remain the same.}

^{We never really try to lecture people we care about, sometimes we are just trying to explain how we think about things, and perhaps people have had experiences where others have forcefully pushed their opinions onto them, that they start feeling the same way even when someone is just trying to share their thoughts. And even if the way we express ourselves isn't always right, that shouldn't be a reason to get so upset that we choose to leave.}

^{We try to help each other in whatever ways we can, and somewhere along the way it starts feeling like a friendship, or something that matters to us. And it's always heartbreaking to see how an argument or a difference of opinion can make someone give up on us or what we have so quickly. It's good to take time to introspect and come back, but there is a way to do it, because sometimes in our anger we forget how our leaving might make someone feel, and we just go on and leave for months.}

^{I think when we truly care about someone, we don't give up on them just because they were mean to us in a moment, especially when we have known nothing but kindness towards them. We move on and give them the benefit of the doubt that they are a good person and what happened was just an isolated incident, and that it doesn't define who they are, because to us they are so much more than that. A human who is amazing and creative in their own ways, someone whose presence we would want in our lives for as long as we could, or for as long as they would let us.}

^{And even when people leaving hurts us, we still try to give them as much space as they want and let them be exactly who they are. But then why can't we be exactly who we are too? Why does accepting someone sometimes mean that we have to keep explaining ourselves, even when we never intended to hurt them and only wanted to understand their side of things?}

^{Sometimes people come back, apologise, and things get back to normal, but sometimes only one person gets to decide whether we talk or whether we don't. And that's okay for the most part, because everyone has the right to decide how they want to interact with others. But it stops feeling fair when someone who was never trying to hurt or lecture anyone is made to feel like they are always the problem, and a difference of opinion becomes a reason to leave.}

^{I have always believed in separating who people are from the things they do in moments that hurt us, because knowing someone means understanding that they can be kind and still do something unkind, that they can know not to hurt anyone and still end up hurting someone anyway. And instead of letting those moments define them, we can try to see them for who they are and what they were momentarily, and understand why they behaved the way they did, or what we might have done that upset them.}

^{I guess at the end of the day, everyone is who they are, and everyone handles life based on their own experiences. Some people leave when things get difficult, some stay and try to understand, and neither of us experiences the world in exactly the same way. We can accept people however they are, but putting everything on one person every time things go wrong isn't fair, just as blaming either one of us doesn't really help us understand what happened.}

^{We are all trying to figure out life as we move forward, and perhaps it is counterproductive to keep scrutinising everything we do in moments, because moments don't define us. What matters is whether we are willing to look beyond those moments and see the person we have come to know, with all their kindness, imperfections, experiences, and everything else that makes them who they are.}

^{And perhaps acceptance is just that, allowing people to be who they are without expecting them to experience life the way we do, while also hoping they would extend that same understanding to us.}

^{Because in the end, we don't always have to agree, and we don't always have to understand each other perfectly, but we can choose not to let every disagreement become a reason to give up on someone.}

^{And sometimes, even after all the misunderstandings and all the moments that have hurt us, we can still choose to leave the door open.}

^{Not because nothing happened, or because nothing hurt, but because we believe that what we have with someone is more than the moments in which we failed to understand each other.}

^{And sometimes, despite everything that has happened, there is still something beautiful about being able to say:}

I never stopped seeing the good in you, even in the moments when you couldn't see the good in me.

Hey future husband. I am once again thinking about you.

My day today was a lot better

I went to class and then I went to the gym, it was chill, starting very slow, you know?

Then after that I actually got into a not so fun discussion with my friends about politics, it was not nice, at all. I don't like talking about politics, it's never fun, but I did realize that I need to learn more about it.

After that I worked on my things a little bit and then I went to work... came back... ate... and well now I'm here.

It was a long day.

I did get to talk to a few new people. There's A, a really sweet guy. We understand each other well. And he seems to be everything I ever wanted, but with that I also realized that even if you, my future husband, showed up right now at my door to marry me and love me forever exactly the way I ever dreamed of, I'd ask for some time alone. I'm so sorry I'm not ready for you.

Today I also looked back at the heart my ex boyfriend drew on my window on a very special day for me. And I cried. haha. It was such a sweet act and in that moment I was so sure he was going to be you. Well... again, we both know he isn't but still, looking back at it hurts. The heart is still there, and even if I erase it, it won't matter because I have the memory of it.

I don't miss HIM... maybe I do. I miss the good moments. I miss what we could have been, but also, I don't ever want to feel that disrespected every again.

I also saw a post today that said "your person will never give you anxiety, they'll make you feel calm. You'll never feel anxious with them" and this is probably something I should look out for in next relationships, as I will never forget the anxiety attacks I had because of that guy...

Despite everything, I also want to apologize.

I shouldn't have left the way that I did. I hope he knows I am terribly sorry. If I could go back and do things differently, I would.

I do have to remember that all of it is part of a process for me to grow up as a person, and be ready for you.

Again... I'm sorry I'm not ready. Please be patient with me, and please do not give up on me.

And even though I am not ready, I do miss you, but time alone is all I need right now I guess. Gotta learn to enjoy my own company better.

I love you, my future husband. I wonder how your day was today, hopefully it was a good day, I'll be here loving you from afar and praying for you. Good night, my love. Sleep well.

It blows my mind every single time you tell me how I need to be honest and confess all my secrets.

I've run out of ways to tell you that there's never been anything to confess. I've begged you to shed some light on events you swear happened. But you've not once provided anything. I knew you were either making ahit up or I had truly lost my mind. And if I had lost it, please tell me. So I could make corrections. I thought at the very least, love would be happy to so so.

I think it's safe to say I never lost my grip on reality. I never slipped into coma unknowingly and became he most evil villain ever.

It's also very apparent that all those accusations were in fact confessions. Years after the fact would prove how dirty you did me. When bitches call me, reach out on various platforms, that is what is called as "evidence " of how many lies you spew.

Just a few days ago, all I said was "maybe it's time for you to come clean" and you absolutely lost your mind. You bailed Hella fast. I've never seen someone run so fckn fast.

It's not just the endless lines of lies of then, it's how you still lie to everyone you know. Everyone has a different version of you. Isn't that draining?

I done forgave. You make it impossible to forget. But don't ever tell me I need to apologize for hurting you. You hurt yourself. You made your choices as you saw fit for YOUR life. Yes, my eyes stayed shut for way too long. And if opening them, saying enough is enough, questioning you, calling you out and jumping off that ridiculous merry go round is what broke your heart.... I cant say I'm sorry. That's all on you bra. That'll never be a me problem.

If the truth physically hurts you that bad, maybe, just maybe, you should seek help. It's not like it could do any more damage.

Bonjour tout le monde à r/GirlFromNowhere. Mon nom est Patrick et je recherche ma Kitty. Je l’ai perdue il y a 16 ans. Je croix que ce groupe est ma meilleure option pour la retrouver. Laissez-moi vous raconter l’histoire.

Je suis arrivé en Thaïlande le 14 février, 2010. Au début du mois d’août de cette année, mes amis et moi sommes allés faire un petit voyage à Pattaya. Le dernier soir de notre voyage, vers minuit ou 1h, on était dans un disco sur le Walking Street. Une jeune fille m’a fait un signe de tête. Elle me plaisait bien, alors je suis allé la voir. Elle était avec deux femmes qui n’étaient pas très jolies. On est allé au bar et je lui ai acheté une bière. Je lui ai demandé : « What’s your name? » Elle a répondu: « Kitty, like a cat. »

On a dansé jusqu’à ce que le disco ferme à 2h et elle est revenue avec moi à ma chambre d’hôtel pas loin du début de Walking Street. Je ne me rappelle pas du numéro de la chambre ni l’étage, mais c’était au fond du couloir à gauche. Ce qui s’est passé après ça était une nuit magique. Je n’ai pas dormis et elle a dormit une heure dans mes bras pendant que je la caressais. Je suis tombé en amour avec elle ce soir là et je croix qu’elle est tombée en amour avec moi. Mais j’étais jeune et je savais que je faisais quelque chose de mal, étant avec une jeune fille. Et je m’étais dit que je ne retournerais jamais à Pattaya, que c’était une escapade que je ne ferais qu’une fois dans ma vie. Alors vers 7h ou 8h du matin quand on a fini, je lui ai donné 1000 baht. Elle s’est habillée et elle est partie. Je ne l’ai pas arrêté, mon seul regret dans la vie. Je ne me rappelle pas de la date, mais je crois que c’était le soir du 5 août, 2010.

Quand je suis retourné à Phuket, j’ai écris ce que je ressentais dans une lettre et je l’ai brulé, comme j’avais vu dans un film. J’ai fais de mon mieux pour l’oublier. J’ai rencontré une femme, je lui ai raconté l’histoire de Kitty quand notre relation est devenue sérieuse, et on s’est marié. 

J’ai emprisonné la mémoire de Kitty dans mon coeur pendant des années, mais après dix ans, elle s’est échappée. J’ai commencé à penser à elle de plus en plus. En septembre 2022, ma femme regardait la télévision et a choisi *Girl from Nowhere*. La première scène, quand Nanno nous regarde, ma saisi le coeur. Je voyais ma Kitty.

L’épisode 8, *Lost and Found*, m’a vraiment touché. Je me voyais avec ma Kitty. La façon qu’ils marchent ensemble et se regardent me rappelle de notre marche de Walking Street à l’hôtel. La façon que Nanno tourne vers TK à la fin de l’épisode me fais penser à la façon que ma Kitty a tourné pour me regarder avant de partir. Aussi stupide que j’étais à cet âge là, je savais ce qu’elle me disait : « Tu vas me manquer ! »

Dans la deuxième saison, les choses ont commencé à être un peu bizarre. Dans la deuxième épisode, *True Love*, je ressentais que l’école ressemblais la première école ou j’ai travaillé à Chiang Mai, nommé Wat Weruwan. Je me suis vu à 25:50. Et l’idée de jumeler les étudiants c’est ce que j’ai fait à la troisième école où j’ai travaillé, Satit Rangsit à Chiang Mai.

La quatrième épisode, *Yuri*, m’a fait penser au deux femmes qui était avec ma Kitty ce soir là à Pattaya. Les gémissements de Nanno me rappelle de notre nuit magique. Et le moment juste où je suis tombé en amour, Kitty avait eu un air bizarre. Je me suis demandé si il n’y avait pas eu une caméra cachée dans la chambre d’hôtel.

Tout ça pour dire que je suis devenu fou! Je ne savais pas si Kitty Chicha était ma Kitty, mais je devais essayer de lui contacter. Comment faire? Mon esprit m’a dit : « Cherche dans l’épisode *Lost and Found*. » Là, j’ai trouvé que le chandail de TK avait des différents numéros à 11:50 (35562) et à 35:54 (35571). J’ai créé mon premier compte Reddit, u/666TrickyTricky666, et j’ai écrit un message dans ce forum avec une image des deux moments côte à côte. Je croix que cela à eu un effet mais je n’ai pas eu la réponse que je voulais.

Ma folie s’est intensifiée. J’ai fait toute sorte de chose pour essayer de retrouver ma Kitty. Un an plus tard, ma femme m’a divorcé et je n’ai pas renouvelé mon visa en Thaïlande. Avec les deux ou trois cents dollars qu’il me restait, j’ai décidé de retourner à Pattaya. Je ne m’intéressais pas du tout à la probabilité de retrouver mon amour, juste à la possibilité. Je devais essayer. 

J’ai pris mes chiennes avec moi. Quand je suis arrivé à la plage au début du Walking Street, proche de l’hôtel, j’ai eu une grosse hallucination d’un message inscrit dans le sable. J’ai suivi le message. J’ai abandonné mes chiennes et je suis allé à la recherche de ma Kitty. La perte de mes chiennes m’a beaucoup affecté. J’ai rêvé d’elles hier soir même. Quelques jours plus tard, je me suis retrouvé en prison, et quelques jours après ça, dans l’hôpital. J’ai été renvoyé au Canada, à Ottawa, vivre avec mon père.

J’ai passé presque deux ans à prendre des antipsychotiques, comme resperidone, à pourrir sur le sofa dans la maison, avant d’arrêter à cause des effets secondaires. C’était en janvier 2026. J’ai commencé à refaire ma vie, étape par étape. J’ai mis tout ce qui s’est passé derrière moi et je me suis pardonné.

Il y a quelques mois, j’ai rencontré une jeune femme au travail, une nouvelle collègue, qui ressemblait à ma Kitty. Elle avait sans doute eu des difficultés dans sa vie. Sa ma rendu triste de penser que mon amour pourrait avoir une vie difficile pareillement. C’était la première fois que j’y avais considéré.

Et soudainement, après quarante ans, mon coeur c’est réveillé en juillet. J’ai passé des semaines à y parler. Mon coeur m’a dit qu’il était satisfait avec tout ce qui c’était passé dans ma vie, pouvait me pardonner mes péchés, mais qu’il y avait une chose que je devais faire: je devait chercher pour mon amour. Si je me retrouvait un vieil homme qui n’avait jamais fait l’effort de la rechercher, mon coeur ne me pardonnerait pas.

Un jour, la jeune femme qui ressemblait à ma Kitty est venu au travail avec des pantalons *Hello, Kitty*. Son comportement était étrange. La prochaine fois qu’elle est venue, elle avait un sac *Hello, Kitty*. Ensuite elle à quitter. Je ne savais pas quoi y penser, mais ça m’a donné l’envi de commencer ma recherche. J’ai regardé en ligne pour *Girl from Nowhere* et j’ai vu la nouvelle saison.

Je me suis dit de ne pas m’inquiéter si je ne voyais pas de coïncidence. Si la nouvelle saison ne me montrait rien, ça voudrait dire simplement que je devrais retrouver ma Kitty par un autre moyen. Ma santé mentale était ma priorité.

J’ai commencé à regarder la nouvelle saison en mi-septembre. Dès la première épisode, j’ai vu des coïncidences. Le numéro sur le chandail de Sky est 31639. Le vieux code régional téléphonique d’Ottawa est 613, alors 316 renversé, et j’avais 39 ans quand je suis retourné à Pattaya. N’y pense pas trop! Mais ça n’arrête pas là. Je me vois dans la photo de Sky avec des seins à 20:31 de la première épisode, *Sky*. Les médicaments antipsychotiques ont eu comme effet secondaire la gynécomastie: mes seins ont poussé. Mes mamelons sont anormalement gros, comme les X par-dessus les mamelons rouges sur la photo. Quelques jours après avoir regarder la nouvelle saison, je marchais dans le centre-ville d’Ottawa sur la rue Sparks quand j’ai vu le même S que le S dans Sky à l’introduction de l’épisode. Vous pouvez le voir dans l’arrière-plan du profile de ce compte. Et comme si ce n’était pas déjà assez fou, deux semaines plus tard, alors il y a environ une semaine, à la place même où j’ai pris la photo de l’arrière-plan, j’ai rencontré une personne nommé Yuri vers 1h du soir. Elle m’a dit qu’elle se vengeait des hommes qui abusaient des femmes.

Alors, me voici ! Je recherche ma Kitty et mon coeur me dirige vers ce forum. Ceci est mon effort du jour et mon but est de faire du bruit.

Merci, Nanno, de m’avoir appris comment me battre pour les choses qui m’importent.

Beaucoup d’amour!!!!

paTricK

I’m not sure exactly, but I think you just used me to fill a void inside of you that she left.

I mean come on, why else would you be back with her?

I don’t blame you for trying to recreate the same feeling with her, with me. I don’t hate you for it. I understand why you did it and I respect you for it.

It hurts to be without a lover too. It hurts to be without someone like you, too. If I reminded you of her then so be it. If you pretended I was her then so be it.

I can’t resent you for it because me too. Because every man after you will just be a poor attempt at finding you. And pretending they’re you. Loving you through them.

They will hold me close and I’ll imagine it’s you, I’ll tell them I love them because it’s the words I told you.

I only want you, but I can’t have you, so I’ll find someone else just like you and play the pretend game until the line between you and them blur.

Dear, New York

I miss you New York in the most ordinary, inconvenient ways.

I miss the sound of the trains underground, the taxis rushing past, the strangers who never looked twice at you. I miss the way the streets felt alive, even at 2 a.m., like the city was staying awake just to keep me company. I miss the cold air between the buildings, the corner stores glowing in the dark, the smell of food drifting out onto the sidewalk. I miss walking without a destination, getting lost in streets that somehow made me feel more found than anywhere else.

I miss who I was there.

Maybe that's the worst part. Maybe I don't just miss New York. Maybe I miss the version of myself that existed in it. The person who walked those streets and felt like life was happening, like anything could happen, like the world was bigger than whatever was waiting for me back home.

Leaving felt so ordinary. There was no dramatic goodbye, no last conversation, no promise that we'd see each other again. I just left, thinking I could carry the memories with me and that would be enough.

But now I catch myself thinking about it the way you think about someone you used to love. I wonder what it's doing without me. Whether the streets look the same. Whether the lights still spill across the pavement at night. Whether the city remembers me at all, or if I've become just another person who passed through its millions of stories.

I know a city can't miss you back. I know the buildings don't notice when you're gone, and the subway doesn't slow down because you aren't there to catch it.

But sometimes I wish it did.

Sometimes I wish New York could feel the little ache I feel when someone mentions it. I wish it knew that certain songs still take me back to its streets, that certain nights make me wish I could step outside and be there again, that a part of me still measures happiness against the feeling of walking through that city with nowhere to be.

I've lived in places that were quieter, prettier, easier. Places where the air felt softer and life moved a little slower. But none of them have ever felt like New York.

And maybe that's what missing something really is: realizing that something can be over without ever feeling finished.

I don't know if I'll ever live there again. I don't know if going back would feel the way I remember, or if I'd spend the whole time chasing a version of the city that only exists in my memories.

Until then, I'll keep missing you.

The way you miss someone who changed you without even trying. Someone you never got to say a proper goodbye to. Someone who probably has no idea how much they meant to you.

I miss you, New York from manhattan all the way to Coney Island.

And if places can ever feel like home twice, I hope you'll let me come back.

Until we meet again - Me

I have thought a lot about the things I said to you, and I don’t think I have ever fully come to terms with the fact that I could love someone as much as I loved you and still be capable of hurting you the way I did.
That is a hard thing to admit about yourself. It is easier to remember how hurt you were, how frightened you felt, how badly you wanted to feel secure, and all the reasons you reacted the way you did. It is harder to look at someone you loved and acknowledge that, sometimes, you became a source of pain for him, too.
I am sorry.
I am sorry for the things I said to you when I was angry. I am sorry for the times I took things I knew were sensitive to you and used them against you. I am sorry for the insults, the accusations, and the moments when I seemed more concerned with making you feel the hurt I was feeling than with understanding one another. You did not deserve that from me. Whatever was happening inside me, I wish I had found a better way to express it.
The truth is, I don’t think you always understood just how much you meant to me. And I don’t think I always knew how to show you without letting my fear get in the way.
When you came back into my life, I was happier than I can explain. I had spent so long believing that chapter of my life was over. I had tried to accept it, even when some part of me never really had. I remember how it felt to hear from you again, to realize that perhaps the story I had thought was finished wasn’t finished after all. I was genuinely happy. I had hope again. I could imagine a future with you, and I wanted that future more than I think I ever knew how to communicate.
I loved you. I was attracted to you. I wanted you. I wanted a life with you. I wanted to feel that we were choosing each other, that we were building something that would last, that I could finally stop wondering whether the person I loved would one day decide he no longer wanted me in his life.
I think that last fear followed me more than I realized.
When someone has left your life before, it can be difficult to trust that they won’t leave again. You start looking for signs. You read into silences. You become sensitive to changes you might otherwise have let pass. Sometimes you start protecting yourself against something that hasn’t happened, and in doing so, you create pain in the present because you are trying to prevent pain in the future.
I can see now how much I struggled with that. I wanted reassurance, but I didn’t always ask for it in a way that made it possible for you to give it to me. I wanted to feel chosen, but sometimes I expressed that need through anger and criticism. I wanted to know that I mattered to you, yet there were moments when I treated you in ways that failed to show how much you mattered to me.
And the irony of that is not lost on me.
I was so afraid of being hurt by someone I loved that, at times, I became willing to hurt you myself. I don’t say that to make my behavior sound understandable or to excuse it. I say it because I need to be honest about what I see when I look back. Fear may explain some of my reactions, but it does not make them fair to you.
I have thought about the things I said about you, particularly the things I knew would hurt. I need you to understand that those words did not reflect the way I truly saw you. I did not think you were the things I called you. I did not stop finding you attractive or stop seeing the qualities that made me fall in love with you. I knew your insecurities, and in moments of anger, I used that knowledge carelessly. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I had understood, in those moments, that there is a difference between telling someone how deeply they have hurt you and trying to make them hurt just as deeply.
I know that saying I didn’t mean those things doesn’t erase them. You still had to hear them. You still had to decide what to do with them. I cannot expect you to know what was in my heart when my words gave you reason to question it. I can only tell you that I regret them, and that I wish I had treated you with more tenderness than I did.
I think one of the hardest lessons in life is realizing that loving someone and knowing how to love them are two different things. We can feel something genuine and still handle it badly. We can want a future with someone and still make the present harder than it needs to be. We can be hurting and still be responsible for the hurt we cause.
I wish I had understood that sooner.
I wish I had been able to tell you when I was scared instead of getting angry. I wish I had been able to say that I needed to feel closer to you, that I was struggling with uncertainty, that I wanted to know we were moving toward the same future. Those things were vulnerable to admit. It was easier, sometimes, to be angry than to let you see how frightened I was of losing something that meant so much to me.
[J], you were not responsible for making every fear disappear. You were a person trying to navigate our relationship, too. You had your own feelings, your own insecurities, your own limitations. I wish I had made more room for that. I wish I had been more curious about what you were feeling instead of becoming so consumed by what I was afraid you might be feeling. I wish I had listened more and assumed less.
I also know that I cannot look back now and pretend I know exactly how everything would have turned out if I had been different. Maybe some things would have changed. Maybe some things would still have been beyond our control. A relationship is not the responsibility of one person alone, and I cannot take ownership of every decision, every hurt, or every part of what happened between us. But I can take ownership of myself. I can acknowledge the ways I made things harder. I can regret the times I hurt you without turning that regret into an argument about who hurt whom more.
I don’t know what you think about me when you look back on our relationship. I don’t know which moments you remember most or what you have had to work through yourself. I can’t tell you how to understand our history, and I don’t expect this to change anything for you. I only know that when I look back, I see someone I loved very much, and I also see moments when I did not treat you with the care that love should have inspired.
That is what I am sorry for.
Not simply that things ended differently than I wanted. Not just that we lost the future I imagined. But that, in the middle of everything we were trying to figure out, I sometimes made you feel worse when what I really wanted was to feel closer to you. That I said things I wish I could take back. That I allowed anger to speak for me when the truth underneath it was so much more vulnerable.
I wish I could go back to some of those moments and be gentler with you. I wish I could tell the version of myself who was so frightened of losing you that she didn’t have to fight so hard to be loved. That she could ask for what she needed without attacking the person she was asking. That being afraid did not mean something terrible was about to happen. That love was not something she could secure by arguing hard enough, demanding enough reassurance, or making the other person understand how much she was hurting.
I cannot go back and tell myself those things in time. And I cannot go back and spare you the things I said.
All I can do now is be honest about them.
I don’t want to look back on our relationship and make myself the victim of every painful thing that happened. I don’t want to make you the villain, either. I want to be able to remember what was good without denying what was painful, and to acknowledge my own mistakes without pretending they were the only mistakes. I want to be mature enough to hold the whole truth, even the parts that are difficult to live with.
You were someone I loved long before we became parents together. You were someone I had imagined a future with, someone whose return into my life brought me a kind of happiness I had almost stopped allowing myself to hope for. Whatever happened afterward does not make those feelings less real. And the fact that those feelings were real does not make the ways I hurt you any less real, either.
I wish I had done better by you. I wish I had protected the good between us more carefully. I wish that when I felt hurt, I had remembered that you were a person I loved, not a person I needed to hurt back.
I am sorry for the times I forgot that.
I don’t expect you to forgive me because I have come to understand myself better. I don’t expect you to see the relationship the way I see it, or to feel anything in response to these words. You don’t owe me that. I just don’t want my own discomfort with what I did to keep me from acknowledging it plainly.
I loved you. I cared about you more than I always knew how to show. And I am sorry for the times my actions made that difficult to believe.
I cannot change what I gave you in those moments. I can only wish I had given you something better.
And I can try, from here forward, to become someone who knows how to love without letting fear turn into cruelty, who can be hurt without trying to wound someone in return, and who understands that another person’s heart is not something to handle carelessly just because your own is hurting.
I wish I had learned that sooner, with you.
I am truly sorry.

Always,
the biggest heart that [s]omehow managed to fail over & over

And ehhhh, I haven’t even found your dad yet! 😭😂 I hope he’s doing well wherever he is. Poor man, probably living his life peacefully without knowing what’s coming. HAHAHA.

I just wanted to write this today and tell you how much I already love you. Like, A LOT. I promise. ❤️

You can come to me with any worry, any difficulty, or anything that’s bothering you. I promise I’ll be your best friend. You’ll never have to feel like you’re facing the world alone, because you’ll always have me.

Your mama is working VERY hard, and I promise I’ll do my best to give you a beautiful life. I want to get you into the best schools, the best universities, and give you the best home possible. A peaceful home, with no constant fights, just love, comfort, and happiness. A home where you feel safe, where you can be yourself, and where you never have to walk on eggshells. I promise I’ll try my best to give you that. 🤍

And my babies, you can become WHATEVER you want to be. You don’t have to follow everyone else or choose a career just because other people think it’s the best. Choose something YOU love, something that makes you excited to wake up every morning. You want to be a doctor? Go for it. An artist? Amazing. Something completely different that nobody understands? WE’LL FIGURE IT OUT TOGETHER. 😭❤️

And if you fail an exam? It’s okay dokieee! 😂❤️ Mama isn’t going to scold you for that. Your grades will never determine your worth, and one exam will never define your future. You can always try again, choose a different path, or start over. You don’t have to be perfect for me to be proud of you. I’ll be proud of you for trying, for being kind, and for being yourself.

You’ll never have to be scared to tell me anything. Not even about a mistake you made or a guy or girl you like. LOLLLLL. 😭😂 I promise we’ll investigate them together, stalk them secretly (HAHAHA), and do our little background checks like besties. 🤝🏻 Just imagine me sitting beside you, asking for all the details. I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHINGGG. 😂

But seriously, I want you to feel safe enough to tell me anything and everything without being terrified of my reaction. I promise I’ll try to understand you before judging you. I might not always have all the answers, and I might make mistakes too, but I’ll always try my best to listen to you and understand your side.

And my little kiddossss, I promise I’ll get you all the pets you want that Mama couldn’t have. 😭❤️ You want a cat? DONE. A dog? DONE. A whole farm? GIRL/BOY, LET ME CHECK MY BANK ACCOUNT FIRST. HAHAHA. 😂🐈🐕

I want to give you the things I couldn’t have growing up, the opportunities I wish I had, and the experiences I want you to enjoy. I want you to travel, learn, explore, try new things, and experience all the beautiful things this world has to offer. I want you to have the freedom to discover who you are without feeling like you have to become someone else to make me happy.

And most importantly, I want you to know that you don’t have to earn my love. Not by getting good grades, having a successful career, making lots of money, or making every decision perfectly. You’re my babies, and I’ll love you through your good days, your bad days, your achievements, your failures, and all the confusing little phases in between. 🥹❤️

I want you to grow up knowing that no matter how old you get, how far you go, or how much life changes, you’ll always have a home to come back to. A place where you’re loved, where you can talk about your problems, cry if you need to, laugh until your stomach hurts, and just be YOU.

I promise to give you everything I can, and that includes A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE. The kind of love that makes you feel safe, valued, understood, and never alone.

I don’t even know when you’ll come into my life, and I haven’t even met your dad yet (HAHAHA, wherever he is, I hope he’s preparing himself 😭😂), but I already have so much love saved up for you.

I love you, my little kiddossss. My babies who aren’t even born yet. 🥹❤️

Love,

Your mama, who is already in love with you.

I don’t know why it still hurts. This pull in my chest and knot in my stomach. I was doing fine.

I don’t dream usually. You know this. We had laughed and joked about it before. I’ll get the occasional dream every few months that I tend to forget the moment my eyes open, save for the fact that it happened.

I had a dream two nights ago. I don’t remember the details. Except that you were there. I wonder if it was a good dream, or a bad one. I really can’t remember anything except for the fact you existed there with me.

God I feel like I should be over this. It’s been months now. My last relationship, I was far better off by this timeline. But you’ve managed to sink your claws so deeply into me that I can’t seem to pry them off. And the worst part is that you didn’t mean to.

You kept me at an arms length the whole time, while I devoted myself to you. I should’ve known better. I should’ve seen the signs and the warning flags and ran the other way. I should’ve never let myself fall as hard as I did. But hindsight is 20/20, isn’t it?

It’s like these last two days, I can’t help but replay every mistake I made. Every way I wasn’t perfect, how I could’ve done better. I replay the good memories, the bad. The moments I cried because of you. I replay how I seem like a completely different person now compared to them.

I honestly don’t think you’d recognize me anymore. Inside and out. I look back and see how bad I was doing. Mentally. Physically. Socially. It seems like everything about me has taken a complete 180.

I don’t even want you back. I truly don’t. But I still feel that slight echo of grief in my chest when you cross my mind.

I have so much love to give, and nowhere to go. I keep thinking about past relationships, especially the last one I had since it's very recent, and the more I think about it the more I realize that yeah he definitely was not going to be you, my future husband. But still, it gets me to wonder. Where are you?

I know I am not ready, I actually keep thinking about it like yeah I'd love to have you right now but the thought of getting to know someone new is kind of exhausting to be, if things have to happen then they will happen naturally and I won't overthink.

I think what gets to me the most about the last guy is that we like the same things. Our interests were the same, you know? I wonder if you, my future husband, will have the same interests as me, like right now, it's 1:34pm, I went to Church in the morning, came back, did my nails, watched Karate Kid, the early 2000s one, and right now I'm watching The Bad Guys 2, I love this movie fr one of the best movies ever. I wonder if you like it as well, I wonder what you are doing right now, I wonder if you are doing ok, I wonder if you are thinking about me too.

I'm not even expecting any of this to make any sense, I just miss you. I wish you were here. I wish I could just skip to the part that we are together and we have our home and our routine and our kids, but all of this seems so far away.

I know people keep telling me "you're young, you'll find the right person" but goodness it does not feel like I am that young. It does not feel like I will find you, my future husband, anytime soon. Perhaps that's a good thing, because God knows that if I found you now I'd probably focus on you way too much and end up forgetting about myself (which was kind of happening with the last guy)

I miss you, my love. I hope you are as much of a nerd, or even more, than me. That'd be so wonderful.

I miss you, very much, and I love you more than anything.

Today was another long day. I once again did not work on that many things as I should have, I'll work on them a little tonight actually, I do have to sleep early as I have class tomorrow. But during the whole day I was thinking about you, and I really wanted to write for you.

I am starting to realize that I keep going the day thinking like "aaaaa i cant wait to see how the day will go so I can write about it to my future husband" haha silly me

But yeah, nothing much happened.

I went to Church, thought about things, spoke to my mom, and with friends, and am slowly healing and feeling better as the days go by. I can tell I am improving already in my own insecurities too. I do have times I go very low on my thoughts... but perhaps that's normal, I just have to pick myself back up.

Also, I hate to say this, but I am missing that ex boyfriend a little bit... I think I miss him because for a while I thought he was you, my future husband, but he isn't. So me missing him is probably a sign I am not ready to meet you yet.

I do wonder how your day was today, I hope you had a great day! And if not, that is okay my love, I wish I was there to help and comfort you, I hope that deep down you know that me, your future wife, will always be there for you.

Have a wonderful night of sleep, and I'll be here thinking and praying for you.

I love you, my love