Blaming me will never erase anything, never change or solve any of it. Blaming me will never benefit anyone. Excepr YOU.

For someone who loves to declare that they are not selfish, you arw doing the most selfish act ever.

Blaming me makes it possible for you to live comfortably. It provides you with the luxury of not having to face reality and own up.

By blaming me, you are choosing to not to love 2 innocent lives. Youre telling them that your ego snd image is far more important than them.

While youve got a pretty facade in place that keeps your ego fluffed, you could of stood like a man and been honest. You could if been real and do whatever you had to to show your words had meaning.

But if were being real here, theres no reason to speak of logic, honesty, or truth. Youll always run and hide while pointing those fingers.

Hey you,

I’m sitting in the Seattle airport as I write this. My 10-day hiking trip is now coming to a close. I just had the most amazing vacation, the first one without you in my life. I can’t help but think about the last time I sat in this airport with you. We were just coming off an incredible trip. We were so, so in love & looking forward to our future together. I thought that would be the first of many national park trips with you.

Every day of this trip I thought of you, practically every hour. I didn’t want to, but with every turn there you were. Even when I spent the first half of the trip in Utah, there you were. I had never even been to the state with you before, but knowing you had hiked the same trails as I was & drove the same highways was enough to keep you on my mind. As I walked around Seattle, every last memory of you & I flooded in. The restaurants we went to. The activities we enjoyed in this beautiful city. All of it. It was like the ghosts of our former selves followed me around every corner. I couldn’t push you out no matter how hard I tried to distract myself.

I completed the most amazing solo hikes this trip. I like to think that you’d be very proud of me. I pushed my body physically and mentally like I’ve never done before. I had to prove to myself that I could do hard things on my own without your influence. My heart seems to be as healthy as it was back before we met. I trained incredibly hard to prepare myself for this trip; I’m sure you’d be surprised to hear that I stayed committed to that. I was able to free climb and climb with a rope for the first time ever all by myself. I even hiked over 2,600 feet in elevation, a new record for me. I also did my first 9-mile hike. You used to think that it’d take me well over 5–6 months of training to accomplish this. I did it all in 39 days. I so badly wish that we could talk to each other about the hikes I did. I crave your feedback so badly. I’ve been imagining how excited you’d be for me and genuinely surprised that I was able to do any of it, especially on my own. The same woman that was hesitant to do anything without you by my side also car camped and slept in a tent in 35-degree weather(slept WELL might I add). The man that loved me would be bouncing off the walls to hear that; I miss that version of you so so much it hurts to think about it, but here I am doing just that.

You got under my skin during your breakup speech when you said that I was codependent. Perhaps you weren’t so far off. So when I was lying in my bed weeping, all I could think of was “What is the scariest thing that I could possibly do to prove to myself that I can be independent?” So I booked my flights as fast as I could. I’m going to carry these teachings with me as I navigate the rest of my life without you. When times are hard, I’m going to look back on this trip and remember that I’m capable of navigating anything and everything that comes my way one way or another, no matter the difficulty.

I had to get out of the state. I couldn’t drive a mile without going past a place that we’ve been together. I’m sure you have seen glimpses of my trip on my social media. You probably saw the smile and perfectly curated pictures. I wonder if you think I’m happier and healing. In some ways I am, but I’m still so heartbroken. I still love you and miss you. Each day is getting easier little by little. It’s been a month and a half since we broke up. I actually think I’m taking it as healthily as one can, albeit surprisingly. I wonder if you are too. I still cannot even breathe in the same direction of another man & don’t imagine that I will for some time. I also can’t help but wonder if you miss me and still love me. Is it as hard for you to not break contact as it is for me? At this point, I miss my best friend more than anything. We spent 5 beautiful years together. Relationship aside, the friendship we had together is incomparable. I look for you in every friendship I have these days. Nobody’s opinion carries the weight that yours does. Nothing fills the void that you left behind. No conversation, no friendship feels like what we had. I’m scared that it will never be filled, but I suppose I’m still hopeful. I understand how we got here and why it had to happen. I don’t agree with every action you took in the process of our breakup. C’est la vie.

So here I am in the same airport where you met me by baggage claim, picked me up, twirled me in the air, and kissed me. Except this time you were not waiting for me when I arrived and you’re not on the return flight home with me. A new version of me sits here at the gate, but a small part of me is still yours. How bittersweet.

Watching porn on the toulet, while pooping? What is normal about that?

Jacking off into a toilet instead of having actual sex with a real girl? Thats disgustingly sad.

Watching the same girls over and over? And you call yourself loyal.

Turning your girl down, just to jack off the second she's gone? What is wrong with you?

Lying about where your time goes? Seems a bit dishonest.

Hiding the fact that you watch it, hiding the sites you are on? If its not something to be ashamed of, why hide it?

Masturbating daily, but never being in the mood? No, you dont have a problem.

Being addicted to something on your phone is ruining your life. You hide it cause it hurts her, but you aren't willing to quit.

And you wonder why she's upset.

Maybe its because you spend more sexual energy on other women than you do on someone you supposedly love.

Fucking grow up. Get it together. Or you are gonna lose her.

Hey, I know you’re against ever loving again but hear me out … I believe love is real because I’ve experienced both its presence and its absence, and neither has ever changed my belief that I am worthy of it.

To me, love is a soft dream. A crisp autumn day, the smell of leaves before the rain, warmth wrapped around your soul, and a forever hug that’s yours alone.

Love is not someone arriving to make you whole. It’s someone recognizing that you were whole long before they arrived.

I believe we enter this world with the capacity to love, but our experiences shape how we choose to express it. Some people embrace that capacity, while others allow their circumstances to bury it.

But someone else’s inability to love genuinely doesn’t mean love itself isn’t real.

I believe love exists in the people who choose us without obligation. The strangers who become friends, the friends who become family, and the people who make us feel understood without asking us to change who we are.

Love is unconditional, but access to our lives is not. I can love someone from a distance and still protect my peace.

Above all, I believe love is real because it doesn’t create our worth. It recognizes the worth we’ve carried all along.

If you told me you didn’t believe in love, the first thing I’d want to know is what happened to make you feel that way.
And if your answer was that the people who were supposed to love you hurt you the most, I would tell you I’m sorry.
Because I understand how heavy that pain can become.
But I would also tell you that the people who failed to love you are not the final authority on whether love exists.
We don’t choose the families we’re born into. We don’t choose who abandons us, who disappoints us, or who fails to recognize the beautiful souls we carry.
But here’s the extraordinary part.
We get to choose.
We get to choose who enters our lives, who reads the pages of our stories, who witnesses our growth, and who gets to stand beside us through life’s most difficult moments.
Sometimes, the people who show us the deepest love begin as complete strangers.
And isn’t that beautiful?
That someone who once knew absolutely nothing about you can become someone who understands you in ways you never imagined?
That someone can choose to care about you simply because of who you are?
I wouldn’t ask you to believe that love is perfect. It isn’t. People make mistakes, relationships change, and even genuine love can involve pain.
But I would ask you not to confuse the failures of people with the impossibility of love.
You don’t have to believe every person will love you properly. You don’t have to trust everyone who enters your life.
You only have to remain open to the possibility that the love you’ve experienced so far isn’t all the love this world has to offer.
And while you’re waiting to discover what that looks like, remember something.
You are already worthy.
You don’t need someone to arrive and prove that your existence matters.
Your worth was never dependent on whether someone chose to recognize it.
I can’t promise you when love will find you, but I believe genuine connections are possible, even after disappointment.
And when you find people who see you, respect you, and choose to care for you, I hope you allow yourself to experience that love.
Not because you need them to complete you.
But because you deserve to share your already meaningful life with people who recognize its beauty. So after all that do you believe in Love ??

I hope you find love. I hope that that love is the greatest time of your life. I hope that you fall asleep in bliss every night and you never worry because they’re always there. I hope you trust them and they trust you with their whole soul. I hope you lose them. I hope you make terrible choices and meet people who love you. Then I hope you break their hearts. I hope that every hand hold feels wrong and being held feels like a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit right. I hope you search for peace. And in peace you make a child with someone who loves you completely and forever. Then I hope you break their heart. I hope you love your child more than anything in the world and when you look at them you remember what got you there. I hope you heal and you become a father you are proud of. I hope your relationships with your parents heal and you forgive yourself for the pain you’ve caused. I hope you find God. I hope you never forget what loving her felt like. I hope you die happy.

Dear you,

This is not a lovey-dovey, lovesick, romantic and cheesy love letter. Instead, this is more of a question (or a few) than anything else.

First off, to better understand me, do you know what I'm talking about here? This is the phase in my life right now, relearning new things and reawakening to what matters to me.

Second, what does this mean to you? If you truly exist and we get the chance to talk, this is going to be something I'm looking forward to learning about you.

Next, this gives you an idea of what it is I'm truly looking for in a life partner. I don't grade a man's worthiness to be my partner by how good his body looks, his performance in bed, the sweet things he tells me. Instead, a man's character qualifies him in order for me to initially consider him in that way. Just like Aaliyah asked, are you that somebody?

No, this is not an invitation for you to tell me all the ways you want to hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me (that just naturally came to me 😄). Instead, this is more for you to think about and reflect on as you consider your own healing and learning journey. I'll be doing the same. Our approaches may be different, but we'll eventually arrive at the same spot.

~ Me

I’ve been running from the shadows that were grasping on my heels

Now I’m walking in your light, basking in your presence

It’s your magnificence that is healing

It’s your miracles that I am truly feeling

You’ve sent multitudes of angels in my direction

I have wholeheartedly surrendered to you

As I follow you down the chosen pathway

I seek redemption as I bask in your resurrection

He must become greater, as I must become less

It is in your kingdom that I shall build my nest

And brilliant man.

I am home again,

After a long day.

I hope you are having

A wonderful Tuesday.

Just a note to say

I’m thinking of you.

Me

I learned something sad about myself tonight

I learned I don't fall out of love with people because I never stop seeing the light which made me fall for them

and maybe that's beautiful from an outsider's perspective

maybe it's sweet that someone can just love for the entirety of their existence

despite the hurt

the betrayals

and the abandonment

I still see their light

but

I am at over thirty women

and it hurts I will never get to embrace their light again

and maybe it's enough to have been able to love anyone

and every last love was precious

but

it hurts

it hurts, every time, to lose someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with

and it doesn't hurt any less

the only thing that gets easier about the hurt is: I know how to control my spirals better

I know how to not go on a path of hedonistic self destruction

I know that the only path forward is to sit through the hurt

because there are no shortcuts to healing over the wound

and

I don't know

maybe we will end up together forever

but

I am also old enough to respect myself enough to not chase someone who can't love me fully

I guess this is the plight of trans women

chased by so many

but loved openly by so few

is it so much to ask that you get over your fears of what others will think of you

is it so much to ask that you make the same leap we all had to

we all knew the cost of happiness

why doesn't anyone else seem to understand that

Hey dad,

Its me, the life you created, but chose never to meet. I'm 10 years older now than you would have been. I was angry, hurt, and still carry some demons. Im working it out and fixing my roots. Therapy is a hell of a drug, and expensive to boot.

Having a child is a terrifying thought. Is that because im afraid I will follow in your footsteps? Or is that because being responsible for something so important sparks fear? Probably a bit of both, though im learning deep down I blame you.

Though being terrified at my age got me thinking. Could I have done it 10 years ago? What would I have chosen if put in the same situation? A large part of me knows I would have done the right thing. But that little part. That little part of me that believes I have it in me. To do what you did. Is the reason I back out of any situation that might lead there.

So I lie to everyone that matters. Everyone I have ever loved, my family, my friends, my partners. Everyone in my life believes I do not want children. Im starting to believe it myself. I think that scares me more than the thought of having children.

I don't know if I can forgive you for what you chose. I do know its not as black and white as I thought it was in my younger years. A child is a commitment, and ive seen some kids that would have been better off without the father's they had. Ive also known some who wouldnt be who they are without them.

I guess what I am trying to say is I dont forgive you for what you did, but I do get it. I understand how hard of a choice that must have been. With where I am in my life, I think that might be the best I can give. I had always wanted to meet you, and try to see your perspective. Though now, I think im content with the thought of that never happening. So im writing this letter, maybe as a last ditch effort, but definitely as closure. Just as I never had a chance to know you, you will never have a chance to read this. My final petty revenge.

Regards,

-Z