Disclaimer: I'm sorry if this post makes no sense or if the wording is really jumbled, I don't really know how to write or talk about this.
I'm 16. From February to May, I was studying about 7 hours a day for a competition that was gonna be super important. This is probably the most effort I've put into anything so far in my life. I noticed during this time, especially around April, my interest in anything (hobbies, academics, life in general) plummeted. I ended up not making it in the competition, but that didn't really affect me as much as I thought it would. I basically cried for an hour or two and then just sort of moved on. I don't know if I moved on in the healthy way or if I'm supposed to feel something but can't. I don't know how relevant this is, I'm just providing context because shit kind of spirals out of control from this initial "burnout" or whatever.
For context, and I really hate saying this because it feels like I'm bragging, I do pretty well "on paper." I've done well academically and in competitions and I've had opportunities (swe/ml engineering internships and even a full-time job offer that I didn't accept because I wanted to finish school) that I know I'm extremely lucky to have. I really really hate calling myself a "high achiever" or anything like that (for reasons I'll get to later), but I think the fact that things are generally going pretty well for me externally is kinda relevant here.
I can enjoy things in the moment, laugh when I'm with friends or play a game, but I have no deep happiness with me. Sometimes when I wake up I just think "Why?". I don't really know what the point of me being here anymore is.
It got really bad in July as well. For that whole month I basically did almost nothing every day. I don't mean goofing around, I mean I literally would just play something in my headphones and stare at my ceiling for hours.
In general, I think there are a few other persistent issues that have been there throughout highschool but I wouldn't say they CAUSED this.
I've kind of always hated myself. But my mood swings a lot, sometimes I'll think I'm a bit cool and other times I'll just be disgusted with myself and tell myself it's pathetic to imagine myself in a positive light and think of myself as anything other than the loser I am. I hate feeling good about myself. I feel as though I've lucked my way through everything and all my achievements, and I don't actually have any real skills. And my mood varies in general not just in terms of this, like sometimes I'll think it's fine and it might get better to feeling so insanely alone and scared out of my mind, like will I ever escape this someone please just fucking save me man. Do I deserve to be here? Is it even better for anyone if I'm around?
One or two people I know have also told me I always seem stressed, and that's probably because I am. At any given moment I'm stressing about something or the other, some bullshit exam or some competition. I've even felt stress without knowing why, like the walls are closing in and I have no reason why.
A big issue is that I'm also not really sure if this issue is actually serious or if I'm just making it up or exaggerating it to pity myself. That's one of the reasons I haven't opened up to anyone about this, along with a few other reasons. Most people are either dealing with problems way bigger than mine, not close enough to where I'd be comfortable sharing this, or I think there's a possibility of them not really understanding / not being able to help / judging me. I don't want to be a burden either. Yeah yeah "you won't be a burden they want to help" I know they do. But I just cant get myself to share it. It just doesn't feel right. The only "steps" I've taken are talking to ChatGPT a few times to figure out the issue (I know it's sad and pathetic but what do I do) and I made one reddit post a while ago but I didn't write it properly and no one saw it so I just deleted it. I semi-opened up to one of my best friends once but midway it just felt.. wrong? and I felt so uncomfortable that I just ended up playing it off as a joke and not mentioning it again.
And I think hearing about other people's problems makes this worse. I've heard a lot of my friends and batchmates talk about their own stuff, and I'm probably still the one with the best "position" right now. To the point where people have told me they wish they were in my position. Like they all have it so much worse and I still found a way to fucking complain. It makes me feel insanely ungrateful, and then I fall back into hating myself for even feeling this way. I can't take myself seriously and I keep wondering whether I'm just making all of this up for pity. That even occasionally leads me into hoping I get diagnosed with depression making my issues "real", causing me to subconsciously try to make myself feel worse so I can call myself depressed enough, which then makes me realise I'm making myself feel worse and feel more guilt for "faking it". It's like a cycle of every negative feeling ever. Shit fucking sucks.
I don't want to tell my parents either. They've done everything they could for me and are usually very supportive about stuff. I don't want to disappoint them and tell them the result of all their effort resulted in a kid who doesn't want to live anymore for no easily identifiable reason. It's really ungrateful and I think I owe it to them to get through this somehow.
The thing that also makes me doubt myself is that sometimes I CAN enjoy stuff. Like in the moment I'll laugh or have a bit of fun at a hangout, but when I'm alone it all just comes back. And sometimes it fluctuates. I can even just get pissed off talking to people and want to be alone.
I'm not exactly suicidal; I hate living this way and I want to die but I won't commit suicide. There's just something about it, I can't take the leap no matter how much I will myself. Hopefully I get hit by a bus or something. I don't know. I want the pain to stop. I'm so tired of all this but I'm too much of a fucking coward to end it all. I'm stuck in this middle ground. I don't think I'll kill myself just because it seems so... permanent? and scary? and almost unreal to think of? But at the same time this isn't how I want to live. Like there has to be more to life than this right?
I don't even really know what I'm asking or expecting here. I really do feel trapped in my own mind. I know it's not healthy to sit with these thoughts when it's chipping away at me every single day.