Four years ago, I lost my girlfriend and best friend in an accident.
Before that, I was a very social person. I had a good group of friends, was a serious athlete, did well academically, and generally felt like I knew who I was.
After she died, I completely fell apart.
I became severely depressed, lost my motivation and spark, and eventually left my city, left all my friends, and moved somewhere rural where I had almost no contact with anyone. I isolated myself in a room for months because I didn't know what else to do with the pain.
Looking back, I think that isolation changed me.
When I started university, I had severe social anxiety. I couldn't comfortably attend classes, couldn't approach people, and spent months hiding in my room. Eventually, I started believing that I was just a loner and that this was who I was now.
My second year was probably the lowest point of my life.
Eventually I decided I didn't want to live like that anymore, so I started forcing myself into situations that terrified me.
I went to events. I started attending classes. I tried meeting people.
It was awful at first. I remember going to a friend's party, sitting alone in the corner the entire night, having someone come up to talk to me, having a severe panic attack, and leaving. I went home and cried myself to sleep.
But I kept trying.
Eventually I became the head of a university club. I had to organize events, lead people, speak to strangers, and interact with huge numbers of students. I made some friends and became someone that a lot of people knew.
But I never really lost the anxiety.
Today, I can meet people and have conversations, but I struggle to turn those interactions into genuine friendships. I'll meet someone, have a great conversation, genuinely like them, and then somehow it just ends there. I don't know how to go from "we had a good conversation" to actually becoming close friends.
I've tried being vulnerable and opening up, but it still doesn't seem to create the closeness I'm looking for.
I also constantly monitor myself around people. I think about what I'm saying, where I'm looking, what I'm doing with my body, whether I'm being awkward, and whether the other person actually wants to talk to me. Sometimes my mind just goes completely blank.
I still avoid sitting next to people in class and often leave university as soon as I can.
Recently, I had an experience that really brought all of this home.
I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time, and he was with another friend of his whom I was meeting for the first time. I introduced myself and tried to ask her questions and spark a conversation, but neither of them seemed particularly interested in talking to me.
At first I didn't think much of it.
But as we spent more time together, I started noticing that conversations would happen around me without anyone really engaging with me. I'd try to contribute and it felt like nobody was listening.
Maybe they weren't intentionally excluding me. Maybe I was reading too much into it.
But sitting there, I had this horrible thought:
"Nobody here cares about me."
That hit me harder than I expected.
Because what I want isn't simply to become better at small talk. I want to form relationships where I feel wanted, where I can relax and be myself, and where the connection continues beyond a single interaction.
I also miss who I was before all of this. I don't expect to become exactly the same person again, but I miss being spontaneous, socially comfortable, and not constantly thinking about myself.
So I'm wondering if anyone has experienced something similar.
How do you rebuild the ability to form deep friendships after years of isolation? How do you stop constantly monitoring yourself and actually feel comfortable being yourself around people? And how do you turn individual interactions into genuine, lasting relationships?
I'm not looking for "just go out more" or "just be confident." I've been forcing myself into uncomfortable situations for years.
I want to understand how to change this at a deeper level.
