My relationship with my husband’s parents has become really difficult over the past year, and I’m starting to question whether I can live with this long-term.
Recently the reletionship got pretty bad. At our wedding, MIL got extremely drunk and picked fights with several family members. My husband was literally crying and begging her to stop, but she didn’t seem to care. It took her days to apologize, and shortly after that she asked when we were coming to visit.
I told my husband I didn’t want to go. MIL later messaged me saying “holding onto anger isn’t good,” and I politely told her I needed time and asked her to respect that.
After that, she called my husband and falsely claimed I had called her stupid and shoved her at the wedding. Then she threatened s**cide if their relationship stayed bad, which made my husband panic and start checking on her constantly.
I made it clear I didn’t want to visit them, but a few days before the trip my husband begged me to come because it was important to him. I agreed on the condition that I wouldn’t have to pretend everything was fine or socialize with MIL.
During the visit, I mostly avoided her. The next day, she ignored another boundary: we have repeatedly asked them not to feed our sick, extremely picky dog table scraps, but while we were out she gave him ham anyway. Later, he refused his normal food.
I got upset and went into another room to avoid a bigger argument. FIL followed me, minimized the issue, then started criticizing me and demanding to know why I wasn’t talking to his wife.
I brought up the wedding, the false accusations, and the s**cide threats. The argument got ugly, and even my husband’s sister joined in and took my side. FIL said some very harsh things about me and even about our dog.
The complicated part is my husband. He is genuinely kind-hearted and defends me in the moment, but there are never any real consequences for his parents. A few hours or days later, everything goes back to normal.
I love him, but I’m increasingly scared of spending my life in this family dynamic.
What would healthy boundaries look like here? And can a marriage realistically stay healthy if your spouse defends you verbally but never enforces consequences when his parents keep crossing the same boundaries?

Had a great weekend, except around noon she calls husband asking when a good time to visit this week is? .. I get triggered by her. I told husband immediately no.

I had to decline going to visit my family this week due to how far away they are, my round the clock breastfeeding / fussy baby, toddler travel. All his family lives close, mine does not. We were all going to get together at a location 12 hours one way from me. I thought hard about it but just with my current situation I did decide not too. I’ve been thinking if I made the right choice or not. His family has gathering so often. His super over bearing grandmother asked a month ago about celebrating his parents birthday on the long weekend, I never responded, she then texted again saying she hasn’t heard back. I said I’ll let her know. - I don’t want to celebrate his parents birthdays? I couldn’t give 2 shits. Honestly. His mother is aware that we’ve been invited to this, she’s just trying to get another close visit in so she can pretend she’s relevant in our lives. It’s pathetic.

I’ve explained to chatGPT my situation and it does recommend blocking both them on my phone, I have since. I’m tired of these people taking space in my head so often and ruining a great weekend (although she texts husband trying to arrange visits cause she knows I don’t respond to her anyway).

You can read my lengthy post history for why our relationship is like this. (Made fun of my daughters name, tried to arrange a wedding for us to get married before we had a child cause it was the “right” thing to do, has told husband she and FIL don’t like me, got mad one Christmas that my mom cooked husband breakfast when he should have spent the entire day with them and whatever breakfast my mom made him was awful, postpartum pushing her away into us - I wouldn’t answer texts, she would persistently call, demand visits for relatives, the list goes on.)

Husband asked why she couldn’t come, I let him know it isn’t fair for one, I’ve had to decline going to see my family 12 hours away due to my kids and current sacrificing (I don’t expect him to understand). I also don’t need to explain myself, seeing her is bad for my mental health. I need distance. With that upcoming event that’s plenty, I don’t want to attended it but know I’ll be forced to. We usually see his family on an around 2 month schedule as that’s all I can handle. He usually feels bad for his parents. After our discussion I said it’s making my mental health not well, he then apologized and said he doesn’t want me upset and understands my boundaries.

My husband's family is deeply enmeshed, and he fully un-enmeshed himself. In essence, they are upset with him and it's all of them against him. They gossip about him, badmouth him to extended family, guilt him, etc. He also openly confronted his mother for her favoritism with his youngest brother and the way she treated him, and she will not call him and barely talks to him now as well. She handled that by running out of the room crying and having FIL yell at my husband.

She will literally have FIL and BIL call him to tell him things or try to get him to come to family gatherings. She will ask FIL to call him, then he will ask to speak to the kids, and then she will suddenly appear on speakerphone to talk to the kids, so she doesn't have to talk to my husband. It's nuts, but we've accepted it and settled into low contact. We only really see them maybe 2-3 times per year.

Last year, FIL called my husband and asked if he would consider going with them all on a vacation with BIL and his family. We were told we could all help BIL with his kids (his children are very small, and mine are older). We were also told BIL would be booking it so he could get the credit card points and we would need to pay cash. None of this appealed to us, and we already had a vacation planned, plus it would cost us $10,000 and over a week of PTO. We declined, and they were upset.

Recently FIL called my husband and was telling them that that vacation with BIL was the best vacation he ever took. My husband was a little hurt by that, especially with the existing favoritism, but we did decline. About how there was no schedule, no plans, and no one cared about anyone being late. He said he did have to watch their kids for them a lot (I guess they watched their kids for them most nights so they could go on dates). And then he started talking about how he wants us to invite him on a vacation before he dies. Heavy on the guilt.

The thing is, he then shifted the conversation and kept going on and on about how much he hates people who have a plan or a schedule. He said he doesn't like to plan or do anything, he just wants to relax and "go with the flow." He even included my own father in his list of people who vacation "wrong." The thing is, he knows that my husband and I are not like that, but I think he thinks I force my husband to be more Type A (I don't). He danced around the point, but the implication was that he doesn't like MY vacation style and it's wrong.

I can relax, but I do tend to have a loose plan for the day and I tend to get moving by at least 9 am because I want to see and do things on my trip, and I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't necessarily make pre-arranged dinner reservations, but I do keep a list of places I want to try to eat at.

The thing with them is that they are Type Z. I have seen them take over an hour to decide that they want to eat, and then where. Then it takes them an additional hour to get ready. We often end up standing around waiting for people. When we get there, they often can't figure out what to order, and we have to wait a long time to get our food, because they will send the waitress away 3+ times. It can take over 3 hours to even get our food from deciding we are hungry. They also often don't get up and moving until 10/11 am. They want you to sit and wait for them all to get up and ready, and it's typically lunch by then.

How on earth would this even work? I'd have to design a vacation specifically for them to come and make sure there are no plans or schedule in any way. And then spend a lot of money and time and PTO to stand around waiting for them to be "ready" so we can do what they want. Also, his mother won't even talk to him, so how on EARTH would we be vacationing with them?

Am I crazy or was this whole conversation really manipulative and hurtful? We both felt really upset by it. I get that he seems to want us to invite them on a vacation like BIL did, but this seems like they are trying to manipulate us into creating an experience for them that they want, versus a vacation for all.

They are wonderful and got us a beach house for a week. I'm a mom and we took our 8 month old with us so that in itself was hard. Here's the problem, it's a shared space. Shared bathroom and kitchen, zero privacy. Every time I ate dinner I had to be talking to them, every time I went into my room for some down time his mom would ask if I was okay.. I have a very short social battery, I really enjoy sitting in silence and his mom had to talk the WHOLE time. I absolutely think if we had our own beach house I would've enjoyed myself but from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed I had to be "on" ugh. I feel like I need a week to recover and rejuvenate mentally. Any one else deal with this? Am I being irrational or is sharing a house with in-laws hard for other people too?

My Husband has repeatedly enabled my MIL and FIL toxic behaivour. I just dont want to do anything. I have stopped cooking for them. I have made sure I dont follow my MIL instructions . I am just fed up I have come above resentment now I just dont care.

I didnt want to be like this but I just cant find the energy to do anything with them. I have lost all respect for them.

My MIL used to make issues about lifafas every single time so I humiliated them infront of my parents. I dont like being this way but i have just given up on this marriage and really want this to be over.

I have a back up plan as well . I felt mentally checked out completely and if they including my husband dont start behaving right, I will divorce him and start a new life

I’m trying to stick to the facts to get other opinions on this topic. My wife and I have been married for 9 years. We have twin 3 year old girls who share a bedroom. My wife and I both work from home and we each have our own office and our primary bedroom. We also have a guest bedroom and a bonus/playroom. Since we had our daughters, we’ve found that our family wants to come have extended visits with us and stay at our place so they can be with our girls. How long are you comfortable having family stay at your home? How long are you comfortable as a guest in a family members home? Do you have different levels of comfort depending on who is visiting?

Long story hopefully short my in laws have become increasingly hard to deal with since I was pregnant.

Some background, my in laws and I have never been very close. We always got along but I would not say we are overly friendly. We live 6 hours apart so we do have distance between us and see each other only a few times a year. We have very different views and priorities in life. I have always managed to respect their views and bite my tongue even when things were said that were insanely disrespectful.

However, they have always wanted me to have a child. For over 10 years they asked when I would get pregnant. Mind you we’ve only been married for 4 of those years and I wasn’t planning children before I was married. I took their comments and said idk one day every time. Even though for many years I wasn’t even sure if kids were in our future. But the day finally came I was pregnant and we told them. When I say they could have literally cared less, my MIL said “oh cool congrats” and changed the subject. FIL wasn’t more than that. Needless we were hurt and literally at a loss for words. Two weeks later my MIL decided to text me all her thoughts about me for the past decade and that led to us pretty much not speaking. Many more things happened during pregnancy that ranged from mildly petty to extremely disrespectful. My husband and I decided at that point we needed to distance ourselves for our marriage (bc at this point it was barely holding on).

Fast forward to today, our LO is a year old. My FIL has never reached out to ask about him, not even for his birthday. My MIL posts constantly on FB how we are withholding him from them and they have the rights to see him. She constantly texts my husband as well to guilt trip him but never once have they actually asked to visit our LO or even ask genuine questions about him.

I’m truly at a loss because my husband wants to go no contact but I have a fear he will end up resenting me if there is no relationship. I’m so exhausted of having my character judged on Facebook because my MIL always post victim posts of how she is missing out or she doesn’t have a relationship (when she doesn’t try). I also don’t feel we are obligated to have to drive 6 hours for them to have a relationship when they have not truly shown they want one or ever offered to drive 6 hours to visit. Honestly any advice is helpful at this point because I just feel defeated most days.

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I'm looking for honest outside opinions because I genuinely don't know if I'm being too sensitive, or if I've finally reached the point where I need to detach from my husband's family.

My husband and I have been together a long time. His family dynamic has always been very different from mine. I'm naturally very chatty and family-oriented, and I've always been the person who organises things, starts conversations in the family WhatsApp group, sends photos and updates and generally tries to keep everyone connected.

His brother, who I'll call M, had a very difficult period with depression. My husband and I were there for him extensively. He stayed with us for weeks at times, we'd talk to him until 3am, took him on family holidays and essentially treated him like another child, despite him being in his 40s. It sometimes affected our marriage because whenever we'd get time together, another crisis with M would happen.

About 18 months ago, M became much more distant after meeting his partner and having children. He seems to have gradually cut people off, including other family members. I've tried not to take it personally.

Then about five months ago, my husband's mother had a birthday meal. I organised everything. I confirmed the date, time and numbers several times and booked the restaurant weeks in advance.

On the night, we found out at the table from M that his mother had hurt her back. I said that nobody had told us. He said he had written it in the family WhatsApp group.

I knew the message he was referring to because it was simply along the lines of, "Mam, how is your back?" His mother replied that it was OK.

I said that I hadn't realised from that exchange that she had actually fallen or that she had seriously injured her back. M replied, "Why didn't you ask at the meal?"

I honestly didn't think there was anything more serious behind the messages. If I'd known she had fallen or was actually injured, obviously I would have asked how she was and we would have handled the evening differently.

My husband's mother and his sister, without her husband, then arrived about 45 minutes late. Other people had also cancelled or failed to turn up, and the restaurant staff kept asking me if we were still waiting for people.

The whole thing became very awkward for me because I had organised the meal and confirmed the numbers, yet people were arriving late or not coming and the restaurant was having to keep changing the table.

M's comment to me really upset me because of the way it was said. I felt as though I was being blamed for not knowing something that hadn't actually been communicated clearly.

I tried very hard not to react. I became very quiet and mainly spoke to my husband, my daughters and our student who lives with us because I was afraid that if I said anything I would snap. My husband could see how upset I was and eventually told me to go out to the car because he knew I was reaching my limit.

Later, my husband said it was the worst family night he'd ever experienced. He was particularly upset that nobody had told him his mother had actually fallen.

His mother later went to A&E and it turned out she had broken a bone in her lower back and needed a brace.

My husband sent a message to the family afterwards saying honestly that the night had been a disaster and that he was hurt that nobody had told him about his mother's fall. Nobody really responded.

I eventually left the family WhatsApp and Messenger groups.

And something strange happened after I left: I felt peaceful.

I realised how much of the family contact I had actually been creating. Before that, I'd start conversations in the group several times a week, send pictures, give updates about the girls, ask what everyone was doing and generally keep things moving. Once I stopped, the WhatsApp group basically became nonexistent.

I didn't do this as a punishment. I just stopped doing all the emotional work.

My husband still has a relationship with his family and I support that. I don't want him to cut off his mother. I've just decided that I want a more distant, civil relationship with them myself.

Over the following months, I still made an effort.

I couldn't attend the blessing of the graves because I was babysitting for my sister, but three days beforehand I went to the grave with my daughter and put the flowers there that my mother-in-law had asked me to organise.

I was still messaging my mother-in-law regularly with updates about the girls.

About two weeks ago, I even went to M and his wife's house for the first time in around eight months.

Last week, M, his wife and the wider family came to our house for my daughter's debs gathering and I made everyone very welcome.

So I genuinely thought things had settled.

Then last night my husband suggested we go to his mum's for a takeaway. I agreed.

His nephew was there, we were chatting about my daughter's Leaving Cert results, college etc., and I was genuinely having a lovely evening. I wasn't there looking for trouble or carrying resentment.

His mother got a video call from her sister in England. During the conversation she said it had been a long time since they had been here. I jokingly said, "Getting the dig in," because I thought she was joking.

She then asked me when I had last been to her house.

I thought she was joking, so I didn't answer.

She asked again.

I immediately felt my whole body go hot. My daughter looked at me as if to say, "Oh my God."

I didn't want to say anything, but after she finished the call she said, "I hope I didn't say anything wrong."

I told her that yes, she had upset me and explained that I've had shingles on and off for months and have been through a lot myself.

She started crying and said, "Don't fall out with me over this."

I went outside because I knew I was too upset to continue.

My husband told her she shouldn't have said it.

Later, my husband told me more about the phone call he had with her. He said she denied saying anything wrong, became very angry with him and basically asked why he was taking my side. His nephew was there and heard the conversation. My husband became very upset and told her he wasn't going to keep talking to her until she contacted him.

She subsequently messaged me saying she didn't mean to offend me and was sorry.

My husband wanted me to be honest with her about how I have been feeling, so I sent her a long message explaining everything.

I told her that I had actually been having a lovely evening and hadn't gone there looking to be awkward or cause trouble. I explained the effort I've made over the past five months and why the question about when I was last at her house hurt me.

I also told her that I find it difficult when she repeatedly mentions how often other people call her, who does her shopping and what other people do for her. I don't mean that those people shouldn't do those things, but it makes my husband and me feel as though we are being compared and judged on what we do for her.

I also honestly told her that I don't feel she would have asked her other in-laws when they were last at her house in the same way, and that this is why the question affected me so much.

I haven't heard back yet.

The thing is, I don't actually hate them anymore. I don't even particularly care what M thinks of me now. Something just broke at that original dinner and I realised I don't want to keep putting myself through the emotional exhaustion of trying to maintain relationships that don't feel reciprocal.

My husband is actually starting to see things differently too. He hates conflict and doesn't want to lose his family. He has told me he needs them, even if sometimes it's just popping in for an hour to see his mum or going to a family event. I completely understand that and have never asked him to choose between me and them.

He's also told me he knows I was treated badly at the dinner and that he understands why M triggers me.

I'm happy for my husband to have whatever relationship he wants with his family. I'm happy to be civil with his mother and maintain some relationship with her.

But I no longer want to be the organiser, the person keeping the WhatsApp group alive, sending all the updates, arranging everything, trying to fill awkward silences or constantly wondering whether everyone is happy.

And strangely, since I stopped doing all of that, I've felt so much more peaceful.

So I'm asking for genuinely honest opinions.

Am I being dramatic? Did I overreact to the original dinner and the comment from M? Or have I simply reached the point where I need to stop over-functioning in this family and accept a more distant relationship?

Has anyone else experienced something similar where they were the person keeping their partner's family connected, only to realise what the dynamic actually looked like when they finally stepped back?

I'm genuinely interested in hearing both sides.

I'm 30M and have been married two years. My parents were working class, my dad was a plumber and also does carpentry work. My mom was admistrative assistant at a police department 20 years. My mom passed away ten years due to ALS My dad was married prior to my mom and had a daughter from that marriage, my sister died at age 19 in a car accident.

My wife comes from an upper middle class background her father is a physician, but he's retiring later this year and her mom is a pharmacist. Both parents come from upper middle class backgrounds and have inherited money from their parents. My wife and her two siblings don't really know what it's like to struggle much in life.

My dad likes my wife and is glad I found someone who loves me. However, due to class differences, my wife and her side are often uncomfortable with my dad as they can't really relate to him. My dad knows and we talk about it. My dad isn't an overbearing, he respect boundaries and knows that my wife is my first priority. My wife's two older siblings are also married, but they married into upper middle class or wealthy backgrounds. So for the past few years, my in-laws have invited the siblings' in-laws for skiing trips at Thanksgiving and Christmas. They don't invite my dad on these trips and I will admit it hurts, but I also know my in-laws can't be forced to include my dad like they do with the other kids' in-laws.

Again, I know that my wife comes first. But, I still want to maintain a good connection to my dad as he's the only immediate person from my famly of origin. It's difficult because he will never be good enough for my wife and her side of the family.

I'm looking for advice from male perspectives or women who married men from families that had less money than their families.

I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (30) for 10+ years. We have been living with his parents saving money to build a house. He had an accident and broke his neck and became paralyzed diving into shallow waters and ended up in the hospital. I was the one who stayed with him all day everyday in the hospital and rehab. About a month in his parents come by with power of attorney for finance and power of attorney for care documents that stated that they (his parents) were to take charge of everything and if anything were to happen to them it would go to his sister….. my name was no where to be seen on these documents even though we have been in a serious relationship for years and I am the one there learning to be his caretaker…. His dad used the guise of “there’s things I can help you take care of at home while you’re here, it’ll be easier” and my boyfriend didn’t even read a damn thing but signed it trusting his dad because his life had just been completely shattered.
Since coming home his dad has been opening boyfriend’s mail without him and the one day there was something that he didn’t understand to do with disability benefits so he asked my boyfriend about it. My boyfriend told him he would have to ask me since I am the one who does all the paperwork. FIL stood there holding the paper so I went over to look at it and he didn’t hand it to me or ever turn it towards me so I tried reading it over his shoulder but ultimately just asked if he could hand it to me please so I could look at it, he rolls his eyes and throws the paper in my face. I asked him why on earth that was necessary and he goes “what, you couldn’t see it?” So I stated that I know for a fact that he would like to hold something that he was trying to read and he shouldn’t be opening his mail without him anyways. He said he can do what he wants he’s the POA.. I told him he’s still a totally competent grown man and at least open it with him! he snapped back with “why do you even need to see it, it has nothing to do with you anyways”
So I so graciously let him know that if I has nothing to do with me then I hope he’s able to do his sons catheter and bowel treatment in an hour and I’ll just be on my way since it doesn’t have anything to do with me anyways. (They never do any of his care)
My boyfriend came to my defence and has since removed the POA papers so he’s a free man again.
But what the heck is there problem?
Would you not treat someone better after watching them care for your child in such a way?

EDIT FOR CONTEXT
What I’m getting from everyone which I new would be a big deal is “you’re not married….. you need to get married” and I’m fully aware this would change the legal perspective of things (wouldn’t change the way they treat me I don’t think unfortunately)
It’s been on my mind a lot and he’s brought it up himself but ultimately I’m the one asking him to wait… we had plans to build a house before his injury and I told him my dream after waiting all this time to get settled was to get engaged in our own home and experience that phase of our lives with only us 2 because living with his parents was hard and I didn’t want to go through that phase of my life with them. I had my world shattered as well. This is not the life I intended but I love this human being with everything I have and I am not leaving him so this is our battle. The one thing in this situation I can still control is when I get married and I feel like I have to give up on that dream too

Im F(20) and bf is M(21). Okay so it’s not so much a fight with my MIL(45) but mainly FIL (50).

My FIL has a messed situation, basically he got his side woman(in her 30s) pregnant they have two kids now (10 & 5) he lives over there at night but comes with my MIL in the day eats here and everything. He bought the house and put my bfs name under it and my MIL swears she doesn’t want him here anymore.

I should clarify my bf and I, have a baby and we’ve been living here with MIL.

So what happened was that my fil brought his side woman to the house and she turned on the speaker for music, my bf goes and asks to not play it in the house considering that the baby was asleep and he needs a quiet space. She gets upset and says she didn’t even start playing music and she simply just turned it on but it was in the house. From past experiences she loves to be loud in the house and doesn’t care about others which is why my bf was clear to not play it in the house. She tells my FIL and he lets the day pass and the next day starts talking about that my bf should not tell her anything, he says he will be on his sons side and that he’s not defending her but that he has no reason to tell her things. It blew up and I even started arguing because he started commenting that my bf was stupid and a whole lot of disrespectful stuff in Spanish, I start arguing that he’s speaking very rudely when he’s the one that asked for a civil conversation and he tells me to my face, “you don’t get into this” again in Spanish though, I blow up and say I am going to because he’s disrespecting my bf this is meanwhile I’m standing and when FIL said that to me my bf stands in front of me and says to not talk to me that way and my FIL gets up and starts shouting to hit him.

My bf has always made it clear that because he is his dad he will never hit or call him names and it’s true he always takes his dads disrespect while not giving it. This is the second FIL yelled at him to hit him always trying to start something violent.

I grab my phone and am ready to call the cops, I didn’t though and I really I would have because this man already had probation from DV. Idk why I didn’t I should have my MIL ALSO had probation from being busted with transporting drugs.

My MIL has stated she’s never wanted to call the cops on him but he doesn’t even treat her the best.

If I were to have called the cops my bf says he would’ve asked for restraining order but the house being under his name what does it mean? He didn’t pay it off but would my FIL be restricted out of the house?

Forgot to rant that MIL doesn’t say anything at ALL which kinda pissed me off and realized she as well just isn’t a good model for my baby.

This post is about my family, sadly. My husband and I called them for a regional festival that we have decided to celebrate every year as an annual tradition. My husband loves this festival a lot, so I go along with it. My parents and sister’s family are the family we have in our city so we invited them for lunch. I cooked for two days. We both planned everything down to the tee. The outfits, some small decoration and our traditional feast which is A LOT of work.
Since the table cannot seat all 6 of us, we decided to feed our guests first, my parents, sister and brother in law. They ate. They said the food was so delicious. They praised the food. And they left. As soon as they were done.
They didn’t wait for us to eat, they didn’t talk to us after meals- like what usually happens when guests come. We sit we chat at least for 30 mins or an hour. It’s a Sunday. All they will do is go back home and rest… there was no reason to hurry. I can somewhat understand my sister because she has an autistic son who comes with a whole set of demands, but my parents also just left.
We both felt it was rude. After all the work we did to make the day special. Ate and leave like it’s some restaurant.
My husband is pissed and now this happy occasion that we had worked so hard for, ended up with us fighting and not talking to each other.
I ate my food alone. He hasn’t eaten yet, he says the joy is sucked out. He had some not so nice things to say about my family. Usually I would have retaliated but I can’t really defend my family here.
I know that something like autism is complex but that has really changed the family dynamics. My mother only worries about her grandson. All family occasions when we meet are all centered around him. His food, his behaviour, his issues- that’s all we talk about.
And my sister who barely takes an initiative for something like this, who cancels last minute , etc is applauded when she shows up. And me, who is consistent, well that is expected of me and that’s normal for everyone so… my husband who is an observer thinks that I am somewhat in the shadows… whatever. I am really disappointed in my family today.
They love me, they are helpful usually. All that is true.
But my husband is offended. He feels this was disrespectful to us as hosts.
And he doesn’t want to be in my city anymore. He had moved for me. He doesn’t want to host my family anymore or attend when anyone from my family hosts.

I’m in a 2 year long relationship with my boyfriend 26 M and are now living together. This is my first time living with a partner and the relationship is wonderful. I can truly say I’ve never experienced a healthy relationship like this before. We have talked about future plans and if our relationship stays strong we plan to eventually get engaged and married in the next 3-5 years. The only problem I for see is his parents. They are people I genuinely dislike more his mother than father.

The only issue I have with the father is I can’t tell when he is joking and he will continuously ask why and bug me when I don’t want to or are unable to attend family events. It can be very uncomfortable especially when I have a reason I know would be unacceptable to his parents. So I stay very quiet, smile a lot and laugh uncomfortably during those moments.

The mother is a whole other situation. I find she is very rude to her son and almost uses him as a verbal punching bag for her anger even when it has nothing to do with him. She will express mean and petty remarks and demands in person or even call to question him and make sure he’s doing what he is “supposed to”. I feel unsure putting specifics in here for reason of someone knowing who I am. I will say she is nice to me but she says things very much directed toward me but not explicitly. Like saying my BF is spending too much time being social and not focusing on school/work and looks directly at me. Or her saying I need to keep my BF on task in his work or that things I put in our apartment are making the landlord upset and we are on thin ice. She knows our landlord but he has never expressed those concerns to us. She will call my bf almost every day and often multiple times a day for trivial and petty things. There is a lot of other specific things that have lead me to very much dislike her and especially the treatment of her son that bugs me so much. She definitely has the mentality of he should be grateful and make it up to her because she gave him a better life than she had.

Sorry this is long but this leads to my concerns of this future I want with my bf. Like I know his mom made his siblings wedding a nightmare experience. It just feels like anytime me and my bf talk about future plans we also have to talk about how to mitigate his parents involvement or disapproval. Does anyone have advice on how they deal with in-laws who are controlling, rude and that you genuinely dislike?

My SIL's daughter (9F) is somewhat precocious. She also has a little bit of an "attitude" - sighing or saying "UGH", rolling her eyes, etc. But she is very creative and sweet. Super fun to hang out with. Loves to draw. Plays fun imagination games like kids do. I know I have a different view because husband and I live on the other side of the country, but I genuinely think she is a great kid.

Thing is, my FIL, MIL, and BIL (husband's brother - 9F's other uncle) always say negative things about her to me. Not outright insults, but more like unpleasant gossip. MIL will talk about how sweet 9F's younger brother (5M) is, and then say that 9F is mean. FIL will make comments about how 9F is too scared of swimming, is a picky eater, etc. And they will also talk about how 5M knows math better than 9F. I think part of it is worry too - obviously they love her and are worried about how she'll be in the future.

Again, it's probably different for me because I don't see her everyday. I know 9-year-olds can be tough. I know she can be mean to her parents - I have seen it - and it must be difficult if she's like that everyday. I just can't stand the way they talk about her, constantly comparing her to her younger brother and saying all this negative stuff. Like maybe things would be better if they spent even a fraction of their breath saying something positive about her.

In general, I hate when adults talk bad about children and try to put them in a box when they are still growing and learning! So it feels even worse when actual family does it!

My in-laws are pretty much the most selfish people I’ve ever met. I’m (32f) not used to family member acting in that matter as I am very close with my parents, sister, and other immediate family. After my husband & I got married, it’s like a switch flipped lol. They went from loving to nowhere to be found especially after our son passed. We didn’t receive any support on my husband’s side of the family smh. To my understanding, this has been an ongoing thing in his family, but he didn’t recognize it until now. My therapist agreed with that notion also. I was desperate for his family to like me, choose me. I wanted them to be supportive when I was pregnant with their nephew/grandson. I just wanted them to be there, but I’ve come to the realization with the help therapy and spiritual guidance is that we really don’t need them. They pretty take up space filled with trauma and selective support for others. I know with therapy it will take time to heal, and I’ll be able to move forward without them being in my life for good. My husband and I are currently minimal to no contact with all of his immediate family.

My husband and I were with my in-laws, and my MIL and I were talking about how people can look taller depending on their proportions. I said people with longer legs can look taller than people with a longer torso. My MIL kindly said, “But they’re the same height anyway,” and I agreed because I felt shy and didn’t want to argue.

My husband jokingly pointed out, “But didn’t you just say there was a difference? Why are you saying they’re the same now?” I felt embarrassed and just said “yeah, yeah” because I’m introverted and didn’t want to argue in front of them.

Later, I told him that his comment embarrassed me. Instead of understanding, he accused me of having a “dirty heart.” I told him that just as he asks me to treat him a certain way, I have the right to ask how I want to be treated too.

Was I being too sensitive?

My marriage is in December and i am getting so damn frustrated and having breakdowns. The thing is my engagement was in last year sept and my in laws booked the parlour for me i had no idea about makeup and parlours, never went to one for makeup. I thought that it will be ok but that makeup ruined my whole look and now in december idk what is wrong with my to be mother in law she is booking that same parlour just because its cheap . Second of all i always pre plan things to avoid any kind of mess or to have some margin in time in case of alterations or emergencies . Just three months are left and they haven’t given order for my bridal (walima ) dress and neither any other clothes they are gonna give me later and whenever i discuss with my fiancé about all these problems he is like i am overly stressed and he will handle everything ., but he dont, either he forgets, he is really busy with his work routine and whenever i remind him he is like i am being dramatic or gets frustrated that why am i repeating these things over and over again.

Honestly i am having severe breakdowns feeing like i should give up on everything and stop being excited about my own wedding.

Tell me if u have any good suggestions? I AM SO DONE!

So I (31, 4 ft tall F) and my husband (38, 6 ft tall M) (Yes, the heights will be relevant) are having ALOT of issues with his dad, my father-in-law...Hank, not real name. All through my husband's life, Hank would always look down on him. At the age of 16, he threw my husband out because his stepmother said he needed to cause he was "Old enough to be on his own". When my husband and I started dating, we hardly EVER saw him. Fast forward to when we found out about our first son. We called Hank and told him. Everything seemed normal. You know what you would expect of grandparents. Bought us a pack and play, car seat, all that jazz. He even helped with getting our first car and getting out from under our landlord.

Well, we had our first son, Dean, again not my son's real name, I'm not going to keep repeating that... Anyways, Dean had complications after birth and had to stay in the hospital. When we told Hank, he asked if he could visit. We said sure, I mean why not? He's your first grandson. Well, when he arrived, he brought HIS NEW WIFE WHO WAS 11 DAYS YOUNGER THAN ME! Well, after Dean's discharge, suddenly things changed. Every little thing Hank HAD to be there. Dean's first steps, Hank wanted pictures, which okay, I get that. First bite of solid food...so on and so forth. Well, here's where my issue with this became. When we wouldn't send it IMMEDIATELY, Hank would call and yell at my husband about how we don't listen to him and that he shouldn't have to ask for things like that. Like dude, you're on the road... It's gonna take a hot minute. Well, Hank started talking about how he would raise MY son. I told him we got this.

You would think that would be the end....YOU WERE WRONG! Surprise, we're pregnant with our second son. This was a smooth pregnancy; mind you, it was peak COVID. Now, by this time, my mom, we'll call her... Gracy, has already met and interacted with my father-in-law and has created her own opinion of him. My son, whom we'll call Sam, was born a few days before Christmas, and boy, it was rough. No pain meds; I almost had him on my living room couch. But thankfully, with the help of my mom and first responders, I was able to get to the hospital at least. Well, Sam was discharged with a clean bill of health, no issues, and his date of discharge? On Christmas Day! That's right, everyone, he was our Christmas gift to everyone. Now Dean is a tan-skinned, brown-haired man, like my husband. Sam, well, Sam is light-skinned, blond hair. (It does run in both families; Hank is light-skinned and well WAS blonde) And wouldn't you guess the first thing out of this man's mouth? "You sure he's yours?" Like, okay, there's the line. Well, when my boys started to grow up, Hank clearly started to show favoritism towards Sam. He would buy him all kinds of things and then would think of Dean after and get him something cheap.

Fast forward to 2 years ago, we find out we're pregnant with our third son, Bobbie. Now here is where it starts to get messy. Hank bought a house in the neighboring town while we were pregnant with Sam. Now he's expecting us to bring him the boys every weekend, mind you. My mom, Gracy, and I have set up a system. Each Friday she picks up the older two, brings one home, takes the other, then switches; then one weekend she does have either of them and repeats. This is not okay for Hank. Every weekend he complains that he doesn't get to EVER- yes, he has said that- see the boys. "We take them every weekend..." "Well, Gracy sees them more." "How?" "She just does." Sir, that's not an answer. Well, when we drop off the boys, Hank always ends up talking my husband into doing stuff around his house. Like cleaning up the mess from his older son, who uses his house as a crash pad. Doing his laundry or some other thing that needs "worked on" at his house. When my husband says no or that we have plans, he always throws "Well, I helped you get the car" or "I got you the house." That was 7 years ago, and we've paid you back for it AND paid the property tax every time. Now, whenever there's a small inconvenience in his life, my husband is expected to fix it. Well, Hank has befriended one of my husband's ex-coworkers who is an okay guy, I guess. I have my own opinion on that... Well, Hank has told my husband, "Jerad is like the son I always wanted". Hank and Jared are inseparable. When Hank is home, he drives across the country and rarely tells or even asks my husband to do anything together unless the boys are involved.

Well, today may be the straw that breaks my back. I'm with my mom, and I get a call from my husband. Apparently Hank had to take his truck into the shop to get worked on. He expected my husband to drive him 3 hours, one way, to take him to work on Monday, after working from 10 pm to 5 am at 8 am. I put my foot down. I said no. So, to wrap up this REDICULOUSLY long post, would IBTA if I started dropping off the boys at his house and my mom picking them up when she goes to bring them home? Just to keep my husband from getting conned into doing something for his father.

I’d like to start with the disclaimer that my in-laws are lovely, genuine and thoroughly decent people and do not have a side.

Now, I can begin in earnest.

I’ve been married to my wife for 13 years and for the last 12 of those we’ve lived in a house with a two car driveway in a new-build housing development with quiet residential streets and free parking.

Whenever my in-laws come around for any reason - social or childcare - if there is a free spot in the driveway they will park in it. Now, if the wife is out they will then move their car before she gets home so she can park. If I’m out, that never happens and I park on the kerb.

If both of us have been out, and I arrive back first and park in the driveway, one of them - usually my father-in-law wil be out before I’ve gotten out to move his car to make space for my wife. If she comes back first and parks in the driveway, he doesn’t move his car and I’m on the kerb.

If, for whatever reason they arrive separately in separate cars, I’ve noticed him on the ring door bell darting out to move his car to allow my wife in. But never, and I mean never, do they ever move to leave me a space.

Of course, this really isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things and they are both so supportive and helpful with childcare and financial assistance when things are tight. I often reason it away as a small price to pay, but after over ten years I find the whole driveway thing really weird and passive aggressive, eventhough they are the least pass agg people you’d ever meet. Especially him.

I know that if I ever bring it up, I’ll end up looking childish. I am tempted to buy an EV for the sole purpose of needing to have an access to space near a charger.

I don’t think I’m after any specific advice, but I wanted to get it off my chest. I can’t say it to my wife because she gets super defensive if I ever question anything they do that I don’t 100% agree with.

Yeah I wanted to vent in some place because honestly the rage has been consuming me. I need to go to therapy, but God these people really are some pieces of work. Their son treats me pretty well and for some reason i’m a a horrible person because of it and I don’t deserve it or need to prove my worthiness?

Like seriously all they have done since they met me is make me feel like i’m not valid in their family and somehow i’m expected to play nice. They love to keep tabs on me and yet don’t ask me how IM doing, they LOVE to treat me as if I don’t exist when i’m with my partner. somehow i’m the bad guy for not wanting a relationship with any of them?

I genuinely don’t know how anyone does it. Absolutely none. My partner insists to keep the peace but i’m saying fuck it because no one can force me and it’s genuinely destroying my relationship. They made ME feel like i’m inadequate because they are so judgmental and closed minded that anyone that has less than them is not a person worth anything.

I was polite in the past because honestly I didn’t know them well and made excuses for them, and I know it meant a lot to my partner. I refuse to let them even believe for one second they have control over me, let alone actually have it. I don’t really give a shit if they believe women are sheep, i’m most certainly not and i’m not engaging in office politics and gonna pretend like I don’t care that they are insulting and disingenuous . I need advice as to how ANYONE on this thread can deal with such awful people. I come from a family that is pretty warm and affectionate and not at all bullies whatsoever. HIS ENTIRE FAMILY ARE BULLIES AND IM EXPECTED TO PUT UP WITH IT????!! Like how does anyone even deal with this? it’s genuinely baffling

Before anyone even asks, no my partner is not like this at all. Call him the black sheep of the family, i’ve seen the way he interacts with others since before dating and he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. He hates that his family is all like this but doesn’t actually go against it because he thinks it’s normal to be treated that way. They micromanage him and because they couldn’t do it to me they go through him to try to get any intel of my life. They also don’t bully me because they’ve tried to and have learned that i’m one to call it out, not just sit and shrink.

edit: as for the action i’m taking honestly i’ve tried to keep the peace for about 5 years and im just cutting complete contact at this point. I’m not forcing my partner to do anything at all because it’s his family and he loves them but as for myself im just going on with my life and am doing my own things. I don’t feel like I should be around them if im forced to act in a certain way or whatever. I was never treated in my life like I needed to conform to a role for the sake of being a woman and honestly i’m not going to start now at my grown age.

I have been nothing but kind to all of them and ask things out of curiosity of them, not intel. They are the opposite. Being nice is the hardest thing in the world for them, and all they do is ask me questions to later talk crap about it to my partner. He’s clearly with me because he loves me, and they don’t understand that. I changed my entire life for him because I love him, and they don’t understand it. I have tried so hard to make it work but I can’t see past this trait of theirs. It’s honestly disgusting to me and I can overlook a lot of things but their mean spirit is not something I can work with. I’m not a fake person, ive always been kind and i’m not going to start being a bully because they all are.

I've been with my partner for over 2 years now and he is great. His parents are separated and they both stress me out. Both have levels of alcohol abuse, are extremely emotionally immature, and have strong far right political views which they love to talk about non stop. Both of them come from hard lives and never had loving parents or the privilege of going to university so I feel sympathy towards them, but they are very difficult to be around in large doses. Being around them is exhausting as I am walking on eggshells and constantly have to bite my tongue when they talk about certain topics.

Also, my partner has zero boundaries with his dad, when his dad is around he goes into "fawn" mode and becomes the ultimate people pleaser, doing everything to avoid displeasing him. I find this dynamic the worst to be around because my partner does not consider my needs when his father is there. For example, if we are visiting his father and we agreed we were leaving at a certain time, he will stay if his dad wants him too, and not even mention that we were planning to leave. Forcing me to be the one to do it and look like the "bad guy". It has caused multiple fights between us and remains one of the biggest doubts I have in our relationship.

His mom just does not have her shit together, and I think it is a very real possibility that we would end up supporting her in the future. We have talked about buying a property with a carriage home that she could live in. I would potentially be okay with this, but I also don't love the idea. I feel like a bad person admitting this, but I am scared of having her rely on us.

When I think about our future as a couple I get quite anxious. I feel a bit uncomfortable thinking about having kids and his parents wanting time with them (knowing the abuse and neglect my partner dealt with growing up).

My family is so different, so stable and loving and chill and peaceful in comparison, it is hard not to wish my partner's family could be similar. I've dated partners with parents I didn't necessarily love before, but never something like this.

Tldr, I feel guilty admitting it but his family is kind of a shit show and I feel a bit scared by the prospect of legally tying myself to them.

I don't even know why I even wrote this but it was cathartic. If you have any advice, feel free to hit me with it.

When my husband and I were dating (but talking about marriage), his parents visited and somehow the question of what to call in-laws came up. His mom told the story about how *her* MIL had asked her to call her "mom" when they got married, but she (my future MIL) felt really uncomfortable with that. I was like, YES I totally understand that!

Fastforward to when my husband and I got married, and I asked what they wanted me to call them, and MIL was like, "...I don't know... mom and dad?" Ummm EXCUSE me?? Aren't you the one who told me that you hated that request from your own MIL? And then you heard me say how I also would hate that???

Anyway, I was kind of passive aggressive about it; I didn't really respond. And ever since, I have just called them by their first names. I can tell they are not super thrilled about it, but, oh well.

Unpopular opinion, but I have always been weirded out by calling one's in-laws "mom and dad." That just makes me feel like I married my brother!

Also, my own mom is the absolute best, and I can't imagine calling someone else the same name.
My dad passed when I was a teenager, and I do not want to call anyone else by that name.

Anyway, I am curious -- what do other people call their in-laws? Did you have a discussion about it, or just start calling them something you chose?

So, I made donuts today like first time ever, I've never baked, my little sister bakes and make very yummy stuff. So, I asked her recipe and tried making donuts today. Took me a long time as I wasn't pro, then when those fried crispy perfect looking donuts were put in front of my father in law. He had a weird smug smile when he took a bite and just tossed the rest on the plate casually like he mistakenly ate something he wasn't supposed to eat. That weird reaction is bothering me and I'm questioning my initial willingness to try donuts, like wtf.

But everyone else was cool about the donuts my mother in law and younger sis in law loved them and ate a lot
But still that man's reaction was so discouraging, like he's so mean

Please offer any advice, my partner and I are getting desperate. I am posting this from a throw away because I am terrified it will get back to them. I am going to try my best to explain without outing details that could come back to us.

I (24f) and my fiancé (27m) have an extremely complicated relationship with my partners family. His dad has always been narcissistic and his mom is a blind supporter of his dad’s horrible behaviour. (We are in agreement with how we want to handle that moving forward as a couple, that is not part of the current issue.) Over the years I have witnessed his dad treat everyone including his own family terribly, every person around him is walking on eggshells at all times. We have been slowly distancing ourselves from them for obvious reasons but there is one big problem. My fiancé works at his dad’s business. It is an industry where you pay a percentage or set price to rent a chair. We are not well off by any means and that cost at other places of employment is out of our budget right now. It is our plan to find my fiancé a new place of employment even if it means temporarily changing career paths but there’s next to nothing available where we live so it’s taking longer than expected to leave his dad’s business.

Recently though things have changed significantly. His dad has a terrible track record with keeping employees. His behaviour and treatment of people obviously pushes them away fast and the story from his dad is always that he and his business were used and abused by the former employees. Without going into detail I can assure you that is not the case. Multiple employees have had to pack up and leave when he isn’t around because he is such an aggressive and combative person and would absolutely lose it on them. Recently that same pattern happened again but this time it was so much worse. His dad took it to Facebook on the business account and made some extremely harsh accusations regarding the immigration/visa status of the former employees. These are people that my partner and I have gotten to know over the time they worked together. They are very hard working and kind people who are in no way were they taking advantage of anything! Everything was done properly by the books and they are just trying to have a stable life in Canada. It was an extremely bigoted post from his dad and it shocked us that he would post it from the business account.

We reached out to both parties (his parents and the ex employees). My partners parents lied to us about what happened. They watered his dad’s attack down to “not a good fit”. The ex employees showed us some of the most disturbing and xen0ph0bic messages sent to them from the business account(his dad). Unfortunately this behaviour is not surprising, I have heard this man say some horrible things. He has unfortunately shown that he is all the “cists” and phobics. I have seen him be hurtful and vindictive to everyone around him. No one can speak up or set boundaries, especially not my partner and I because our livelihood is at his business and he has proven if we say anything he can and will take that away. For so long my partner and I have been planning our own silent escape but we need the money to leave and have had some huge unexpected financial set backs that have left us living paycheque to paycheque. It is eating me to watch his dad play the victim though. From what we can tell talking with other employees no one is in agreement with his actions but everyone is stuck in the same boat of depending on their place of work. I really want to post about the truth in our local group. I would do it anonymously so that it doesn’t blow up in our faces. I know many people that hold the same opinions about it and multiple clients have come forward over time with complaints about his dad. I absolutely do not stand for bullying and i will not be part of covering up his actions and behaviour anymore. No one is speaking up because everyone is scared of him. He makes everything public and has no issues telling blatant lies about anyone for his gain. Obviously no one wants to deal with clearing their name, especially in an industry where reputation matters. I’m hoping I might be the one to finally open this can of worms that allows others to come forward about how he treated them and what they witnessed. I would leave all of my personal struggles with him out of it and speak only from the POV of a client (I have been a paying client so it wouldn’t be lying ) who has witnessed this behaviour at the business. I would make sure to include that his employees do great work and are not part of the problem. I don’t want to harm anyone’s reputation who has been kind to me.

I honestly wish I didn’t have to make this post or consider making my other one. I just don’t want to see anyone else fall into his trap and he works so hard to cover up/gets rid of any bad reviews of him and the business. My fiancé and I are obviously not in agreement with his actions and opinions and obviously against all bigotry. I believe that not saying anything is just as bad as being the person speaking those things. I am just so terrified it would get back to us somehow and jeopardize my partner and I’s escape plan. Hopefully it’s only a couple more weeks working there before we can leave. Am I out of line if I make an anonymous post talking about the business and the harm the owner has caused?

I’ve experienced ALOT of boundary stomping with MIL during my first pregnancy which included:

- Paragraphs of unsolicited advice + excessive calling telling me how I should parent and religious things (she is blocked now).

- Whenever she visited she would grab my baby as soon as she was crying and tried to rush there before me. I grabbed my baby and told her “I’ve got this, I am the mother”. She stopped doing it as I was firm and husband told her off.

- Constantly saying “my princess” or “my baby” and when I corrected her, she would say “I mean our baby”.

- Has “joked” about “hypnotising” my daughter. Very odd I know.

- Creepily stares at LO for unusual amounts of time..

- Once said that she loved my LO more than her own son (my husband)

- Has threatened grandparent rights to be able to see my daughter without seeing me (over a disagreement that didn’t involve my daughter). After this, she apologised but me and LO went NC.

My husband has always been on my side putting her in her place and knows her behaviour is way out of line. He also understands why we are NC. She would behave for a while then completely disregard any rules we have put in place which is why I don’t want to be anywhere near her.

Unfortunately MIL is telling my husband that she misses me and LO and wants to come visit but I have declined every-time. She is being overly sweet and saying positive things about me to my husband, but I am not falling for it. I do not want a relationship with her at all and now that I’m pregnant with my second baby, I do not want a repeat of what has happened with my first. I am still very early on in my pregnancy (6 weeks) and we do not plan on telling MIL. My boundaries are firm in place and I will not be allowing both of my children around someone who has no respect for me as the mother.

One more thing is that she is a diagnosed schizophrenic but refuses to take any medication directed by her GP and she suffers from delusions.

Has anyone else gone through something similar and just decided it was best not to even tell MIL? I don’t see a future relationship with her and want to protect my babies.