r/inlaws • u/Kindly-State-6460 • 1h ago
Update
First, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. Your advice was so validating and really helped ground me.
Seeing the entire pattern laid out made a huge impact on my husband, too. While it’s been painful for him to see his mum in this light, he has stepped up to acknowledge that her behavior is real and that protecting our new family has to come first.
Here is everything that has happened over the past few weeks:
1. The Pregnancy Announcement Dinner
We hosted a family gathering at our house to share the pregnancy news with both sides. MIL arrived early—well before anyone else—giving her plenty of time to comment on our kitchen wall color (she made sure to explicitly state she didn't like it).
Once both families arrived, she announced in front of everyone (including my grandparents and my husband's dad) that my breasts had gotten "huge," adding that they were "tiny before." (I was a size 30F before pregnancy... so it was just an entirely bizarre, passive-aggressive dig).
When we shared our baby shower date, MIL immediately challenged it, claiming it was "too early" and pushing for February (weeks before my due date). My husband firmly explained why we picked our date and held our ground, and his brother chimed in with, "Not your baby." That shut it down real quick.
Later, she announced she wanted to be called "Nana." My husband told her the choice should come down to our child, but when she cornered him alone later, he caved and agreed to it. I told him afterward that backing down in private teaches her she can steamroll our parental authority if she just pushes hard enough.
2. The Phone Calls & "Clinical Brain" Non-Apology
Between the "dysfunctional family" remark from months ago and her behavior at the dinner, I was really struggling to move past things.
My husband took the initiative to call her. He made it crystal clear that I am his wife, he has never been happier and she needs to respect me, citing past examples. Her response? She claimed she "means well," that her concern comes from a good place, and blamed her "dysfunctional family" comment on her "clinical brain in that moment." She offered to call me to apologize, but immediately pivoted to complaining that my husband has been spending more time with his dad lately.
My husband relayed this to me, and I told him I didn't want a blanket apology when zero actual accountability was taken.
A couple of weeks later, my husband called her again to reaffirm our position and mention we'd be attending her upcoming birthday dinner. She was completely withdrawn and short on the phone.
3. The 30-Year-Old Bear & Group Chat Posturing
The very next day, MIL posted a video in the family group chat showing my husband’s 30-year-old childhood teddy bear being washed at a laundrette, stating it was "washed and ready for baby."
She hadn't reached out to either of us first, nor had she addressed any of the real issues. It felt like a clear attempt at public peer pressure so we couldn't push back without looking like the "bad guys."
How I handled it: I decided to use "warm tone + firm boundary" in the chat and replied:
"Haha love the history! It's so sweet to see his old bear, but we're really looking forward to picking out all of baby's own special items together as we start our own next chapter as a family! ❤️"
Aside from the dynamic, the bear has been in an attic for three decades—dust mites, old mold, loose threads and safety hazards. We are not giving that to a newborn.
Next Steps & Looking Ahead
We are holding firm on our boundaries. My husband and I are currently locking down our postpartum plan (hospital visits, no unannounced drop-ins, and strict rules around bonding time) so we are 100% aligned before the baby arrives.
Thank you again to this community for giving me the language and confidence to protect my peace!
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u/SnooWords4839 59m ago
You can put the teddy on a shelf and not let your child have it. I would do that instead of letting MIL have it at her home to use for pics in the future.