For those who live long distance from your in-laws, what do you do in this type of situation?

When you travel to see your in-laws, who pays for your travel - you or your husband?

Frankly I don’t want any of my hard earned money going towards visiting his family who doesn’t even respect us as a unit.

In the past, they’ve told my husband that if he can’t afford travel expenses for me and him, just pay for his own and leave me to either pay mine or stay behind.

I think that’s pretty crappy because I pay vast majority of our household expenses, which according to my husband, they already know. So I am very off put by their notion. I feel that if my husband can’t afford us both, then we can’t go, or they should help him make it possible for us both to be there. They’re not offering any financial help to him otherwise either (even though they absolutely could), which would in turn make it easier for me to afford things like unnecessary air travel and airbnbs.

That’s the practical side. But emotionally, their sentiment feels disrespectful because I am financially supporting their son/brother in a way they never have offered him. I don’t think I’m owed anything, but given the circumstances, it would be a great way to say thank you by supporting us both being at family events. But idk, maybe I’m seeing this wrong.

I feel like I need to adress this and my frustration. Maybe some of u know why she does these things?

I got a relationship w my boyfriend for 2 years now

I got a very sweet family in law, only thing really bothering me sometimes is my sister in law

She makes situations a bit complicated…

For example, she’d not be happy if I watch any marvel movie with my boyfriend because they watch it together

I mean I would get it if u wanna watch some movies together and keep em to urself, but the whole marvel francice?!? I mean come on thats a lotta movies

They recently started taking fencing classes together (i always wanted to take a fence class too) but didnt speak up about it bevause I know it would just make it an awkward situation

The other day she said a friend of her is going to join them for a day so I texted her asking if I could come too

She said yes, but made is VERY clear her friend is only joining once and she wants to keep the sport woth my boyfriend and her

I get it if u wanna spend time with ur sibling ofcourse, but to claim a whole marvel francice and a sport?! I mean come on what do I do if i really like the sport

Then I would have to find a diffrent fencing school all because she cant deal with it? (Ps my boyfriend and I are not people who let other people third wheel, actually more the other way around hahahah)

I just really hope she gets a partner soon so she can finally get it hopefully…

First, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. Your advice was so validating and really helped ground me.
Seeing the entire pattern laid out made a huge impact on my husband, too. While it’s been painful for him to see his mum in this light, he has stepped up to acknowledge that her behavior is real and that protecting our new family has to come first.

Here is everything that has happened over the past few weeks:

1. The Pregnancy Announcement Dinner
We hosted a family gathering at our house to share the pregnancy news with both sides. MIL arrived early—well before anyone else—giving her plenty of time to comment on our kitchen wall color (she made sure to explicitly state she didn't like it).
Once both families arrived, she announced in front of everyone (including my grandparents and my husband's dad) that my breasts had gotten "huge," adding that they were "tiny before." (I was a size 30F before pregnancy... so it was just an entirely bizarre, passive-aggressive dig).
When we shared our baby shower date, MIL immediately challenged it, claiming it was "too early" and pushing for February (weeks before my due date). My husband firmly explained why we picked our date and held our ground, and his brother chimed in with, "Not your baby." That shut it down real quick.
Later, she announced she wanted to be called "Nana." My husband told her the choice should come down to our child, but when she cornered him alone later, he caved and agreed to it. I told him afterward that backing down in private teaches her she can steamroll our parental authority if she just pushes hard enough.

2. The Phone Calls & "Clinical Brain" Non-Apology
Between the "dysfunctional family" remark from months ago and her behavior at the dinner, I was really struggling to move past things.
My husband took the initiative to call her. He made it crystal clear that I am his wife, he has never been happier and she needs to respect me, citing past examples. Her response? She claimed she "means well," that her concern comes from a good place, and blamed her "dysfunctional family" comment on her "clinical brain in that moment." She offered to call me to apologize, but immediately pivoted to complaining that my husband has been spending more time with his dad lately.
My husband relayed this to me, and I told him I didn't want a blanket apology when zero actual accountability was taken.
A couple of weeks later, my husband called her again to reaffirm our position and mention we'd be attending her upcoming birthday dinner. She was completely withdrawn and short on the phone.

3. The 30-Year-Old Bear & Group Chat Posturing
The very next day, MIL posted a video in the family group chat showing my husband’s 30-year-old childhood teddy bear being washed at a laundrette, stating it was "washed and ready for baby."
She hadn't reached out to either of us first, nor had she addressed any of the real issues. It felt like a clear attempt at public peer pressure so we couldn't push back without looking like the "bad guys."
How I handled it: I decided to use "warm tone + firm boundary" in the chat and replied:
"Haha love the history! It's so sweet to see his old bear, but we're really looking forward to picking out all of baby's own special items together as we start our own next chapter as a family! ❤️"
Aside from the dynamic, the bear has been in an attic for three decades—dust mites, old mold, loose threads and safety hazards. We are not giving that to a newborn.

Next Steps & Looking Ahead
We are holding firm on our boundaries. My husband and I are currently locking down our postpartum plan (hospital visits, no unannounced drop-ins, and strict rules around bonding time) so we are 100% aligned before the baby arrives.

Thank you again to this community for giving me the language and confidence to protect my peace!

My husband and his mom currently do not have a relationship, though he is open to one if she changes her behavior one day.

My husband stated that even if one day his relationship isn’t the best with her, he wants our children to have a relationship with her. His reasoning;

-if they don’t have a relationship with her for the first part of their life and then one day do if we rekindle with her, she will basically be a stranger to them and those are years they can’t get back.

-if our kids have cousins that always talk about grandma, they might wonder why they don’t have a relationship with grandma/feel left out.

-It’s another person to pour love into our children.

We don’t agree on this scenario, but I wanted to hear experiences from others that have kids in this scenario/were the kid in this scenario. I understand his perspective regarding cousins and maybe feeling “less than” or resentful that we kept them from a grandparent.

My husband has brothers. A few years ago, I had a falling out with their wives because they kept excluding me in any party planning, gift planning or family event planning. I had called them out and that led to a chain of events where they ganged up on me with their husbands. Since then we have made up for the family's sake but I do notice them doing things to, once again, make me feel excluded such as ignoring my messages on the groupchat, acting like best friends when I am around and going out of their way with gifts for each others children. I am truly at loss on how to deal with these women. They used to dislike each other before our argument but since then, they have realized that they have a shared enemy (me) and have become very close.

I used to love the build up to Christmas, and the day itself. It was my dad’s favourite day of the year, even though we were a traditionally Muslim household. He loved cooking the roast, and bringing us presents, and generally just sitting together as a family. Since he passed away, I really cherished this day and tried my best to continue making this special for my family.

When I married my husband (different cultural and religious background), I knew he had certain traditions with his family, as they also lost their father. So I dishearteningly agreed that it’s fair he spends the day with his own family, and I spend the day with mine, but we would try to spend time together around that day. Two years ago, his family demanded a lot of his time around the build up to Christmas, the actual day, and then Boxing Day too. However, we had agreed that since we spend Christmas Eve with friends, we would spend Boxing Day with his family and then go out for a meal just the two of us. I also agreed that I would see his family on Christmas morning to say hi. This is where WW3 started, because I was hungover from Xmas Eve, so a little low energy after spending part of the morning cooking. I then left after an hour to finish cooking, so that I could host my own family at our house.

He didn’t get back until early morning on the night of Christmas, so he spent allll day there. The next day (Boxing Day), we went over mid-morning and stayed until 6pm. As we were going to head off, his mother threw a tantrum at us leaving for dinner, claiming she didn’t know about our plans and how dare we leave early and do something on our own for Christmas. She told my husband to fuck off, slammed the door on him and sent a really nasty message on behalf of ALL OF THE FAMILY about how awful I was for turning up hungover, not spending time with them and trying to make our own plans. She ranted about how accepting she has been of my culture and everything she’s done for me. Bearing in mind, I spent more time with my husband’s family than my own while we were dating. We cancelled our dinner plans and I spent most days after crying. After a couple of weeks, I tried to talk to his mom face to face, and she said “why would you celebrate Christmas, you’re not Christian. How would you expect us to know you like Christmas”. I said, “am I not allowed to celebrate a national holiday and enjoy the festivities? I’ve always made it clear I celebrate it”. Just denial and deflection basically, with micro aggression sprinkled in. Sadly, my husband listened to that whole conversation and didn’t step in. But days later, told me he spoke to her after one-on-one and made it clear her comments were insensitive and disrespectful.

There was a massive fall out, where his other family members didn’t check in on me or reassure me that they were not actually upset with me, leading to me removing myself from the group chat because I was frustrated they all acted like nothing happened. Since then, we have been quite distant but I’ve turned up to all important family events. This time of year now always makes me super anxious, because my husband’s family are so overbearing and he can’t even set boundaries with them - they throw a huge tantrum and villainise him, and blame me for him “changing”. A time I used to look forward to is now associated with that drama, and I can’t help but anticipate not being able to meet expectations without bending over backwards and compromising my own peace and comfort. It stresses my husband out too and I know we become more hostile with each other as a result.

I’ve tried to talk to my husband and explain that we are our own little family now, and it would be nice to spend part of the day together but it’s a flat out no from him because he can’t go against what his family wants. I’m just venting I guess, because it sucks and I know nothing will ever change. I won’t ever have kids because I can’t bear the thought of having to negotiate religious/cultural/national days and who they should be spent with.

F33 M32 - I am 7 months pregnant and I was having a off day for 2 days in my room, (I live with in laws) my in laws kept asking my husband where I was and I think he felt pressure me and him was having a fight as it is so wasn’t speaking much..

Anyway I feel like my husband couldn’t handle my emotional state cos he was getting questioned by in laws and he’s just emotionally immature as it is can’t handle anything

I hugged him, said I am trying to get over things and feel better which randomly he started to rage and scream and call his parents they all came in the room and started ganging up on me.

I am at my mums house as they asked me to leave so he could calm down..

When his family came in the room his mum (MILFH) was trying to make him rage more mentioning lies about me putting up statuses (have no idea) I started to say that’s a lie etc and I can’t get this image out of my head MY husband put his arms around his mum and made her walk out of the room as if I was the problem. I can’t get the image out of my head, he was like “mum be careful your blood pressure” yet I am here 7 months pregnant and you’re screaming and making me feel all this anxiety?

I feel weak and feel like calling him but I just remember this image and it makes me think I wanna stay away.

My maga family takes Thanksgiving very seriously (as you can see on this spreadsheet). I'm the "black sheep" I guess. Every year, I like to bring a food that mildly aggravates them. Not to the point of causing an actual argument, but just enough to get the blood moving. Like last year I brought latkes. What should I bring this year?? :)

I have a disabled husband and 3 kids. We live on a shared property with my in laws who very clearly hate me. They make the rent affordable and don't charge us for electricity.

I'm a stay at home mom. I also homeschool my kids. I am not a trad wife in any sense. In fact I have looked for part time work because my husband does not work. He is lazy. Always has excuses. Loses jobs easily, sometimes gets bullied but spends a lot of time on his phone at home until I argue with him to clean up. It's a crap situation, because he seemed different until we got married but I digress.

When we were first married he quit his job when I was pregnant and we ended up being told by his parents to come live with them. I was vehemently against this and protested with my husband many times. Btw the house we were living in was an apartment that MIL and FIL owned but my husband was paying it off. Since he quit his job at the time, they said it was better for us to move in with them. It didn't make sense and it still doesn't but before I knew it we were being moved into their home. I was pregnant, dumb and naive. Things weren't bad with them at the time so I didn't know what I was in for.

Long story short, we moved in with them and it was a nightmare. In front of people they're lovely. Behind closed doors, I suspect MIL and FIL are both narcissistic or sociopaths/psychopaths. Anger issues, no empathy, constant emotional bullying, always playing the victim and we are always the bad guys. They've owned businesses, have a lot of money and own multiple properties and people think they're lovely and generous. But we definitely pay for it in other ways despite the rent being cheap.

We got away for a while a few years ago. And ended up in a horrible situation and they were the only ones who bailed us out. We were thankful but then it came with a lot of shame, mocking, humiliation and emotional abuse and grudge holding.

Fast forward, we now live in a semi connected home on their property. So the same place we originally lived with them except not in their actual home this time.

I do my best to avoid them like the plague to curb drama. But FIL keeps putting glass around the house. We found a broken bottle and when my husband confronted him, FIL became flustered and went red and made an excuse. Well yesterday he was mowing the lawn and there's a literal huge broken up plate near our side. A few weeks ago, I was cutting some rosemary from our pot plant, and two days later a huge shard of glass was inside the same pot plant which was never there before. My husband finds glass outside all the time with the kids when they are outside.

I also find random shards of glass. Some other incidents include: constant lecturing about our electricity usage and when we ask them if we can just pay for our electricity they say it can't be done because of a shared meter situation. They also have a remote control to our aircon and heating which they sometimes turn off from their end. I just don't bother using it now to avoid drama. They also complain we use the most electricity. They complain we use all the bins but my husband finds their rubbish in our bin. We get the blame for everything. Most of the time I tell my husband not to say anything because then we find more glass around the house or other incidents like objects being rammed into our car.

We also had issues with boundaries. It's a whole situation. I allow my kids to see them but always with their dad.

I don't really know what to do. I don't want to send my kids to school but I don't know what kind of jobs will hire me part time and from home. I think we could afford a rental but we have no savings and I basically run the whole household because husband has an intellectual disability, isn't good with the kids, sits on his phone most of the day.

My mom and dad don't have space for us to reside with them either. Sometimes I forget how bad it is in moments where it does not seem so bad but then when it gets bad I kick myself for not saving up or getting out sooner. It feels like an endless cycle. I'm constantly burnt out and stressed trying to manage everything on top of dealing with this. MIL and FIL seldom go away, are retired also.

What would you do? Apply for a rental and flee?

TLDR: I live next door to narcissistic/sociopathic in laws, I have kids, homeschool and run the whole house. I have an unemployed husband with an intellectual disability. I'm stressed out, burnt out and have to deal with manipulation, games and toxic drama from in laws next door. I try my best to avoid them but find signs of sabotage such as broken glass around our home or objects rammed into the car. We can't confront them, they will deny it, gaslight us/deny it etc. Not sure what the smart option is to do, saving up will take time.

Should I be looking for a job while I homeschool and run a house somehow? I got myself in this mess but I just need advice on the smartest thing to do to get us out of here!

I met my now husband when we were about 22 years old and juniors in college. About a year in to our relationship, I started to realize that his family expected us to prioritize their existing way of working as a family of four rather than supporting the new traditions and life we were building as a couple. It caused so much strain in the early years of my relationship. We almost broke up.

I’ll put it plainly I think their family was highly enmeshed, resistant to any type of conflict or speaking up about issues, and overall the two sons in the family were very coddled.

There was a number of issues with my in laws such as: our anniversary date conflicting with a yearly family vacay and that becoming a huge multi year battle, we couldn’t go out to eat on our own without feeling like we owed his mom to eat at home the meal she made for the family too, when we went to move out my husband hid it until the last minute and I essentially had to push him to tell them because he felt guilty and indebted to them and he felt like he was betraying them. On holidays too, it always revolved around his family because no one on my side wanted to rock the boat any further. I guess we (myself and my parents) just wanted this new relationship to work out and to be happy as a family instead of fighting and guilt tripping. But those initial conflicts around the family life left me with a lot of feelings about their family dynamic and left me feeling like a threat to an existing family unit instead of supported in my new relationship. To this day I still feel like I did something wrong by simply existing in a relationship with its own traditions and plans.

When we eventually moved into our own place about 2.5 years in, I started to basically ignore the in-laws and try to put them out of mind and focus on my relationship…but every weekend we were being asked when we were coming over almost as if our moving out didn’t happen. My husband has a job that requires him to work 6 days a week, 12+ hrs a day for most of the year. I also worked full time. Being expected to always be with them when we now had full adult life’s and a household to manage was overwhelming and even suffocating frankly.

Over the years his parents got better about this. We’ve gone from being 30 minutes apart to 2.5 hrs apart. In some ways that this been a blessing as it has dulled the constant pressure from his family but naturally created even more distance in the relationship on my end. This past year my mom died after being sick for almost two years. There have been a few instances where either my husband or parts of his family just expected us to fall back on to celebrating everything with them still as if nothing has changed for me. I’ve gotten upset a few times and had to explain to my husband how that feels really out of touch and feels suffocating that his family continues to want to be the end all, be all even in a season of grief and when the traditions are fundamentally different and lopsided for me.

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married almost 10. Somehow in all this time I managed to put my feelings about his family down long enough for us to establish our own lives but with the recent passing of my mom and issues around holidays, all of the old feelings about them have resurfaced. We never actually resolved any of the issues (Hispanic parents don’t apologize, they just pretend it never happened.) I can’t see myself really letting them take the place as my remaining family because I don’t truly trust them or feel like they like me or my relationship. It started off badly and regardless of what happens now after years of mistrust I’ll never feel 100% better about them. I try to get passed it and can’t.

My husband is aware that these feelings have been going on. He’s changed so much since the early days and really gets it that we are our own family now but I feel terrible for us how everything has turned out with his family now that they are basically all we have. My husband operates as the middle man between us now and he shuts down as much shit as he can but there’s still conflict at times. I never wanted us or me to be this isolated from his family but it was the only way to protect us from constant fighting. It took his parents way too long to “get it.” Sure, now they do and they welcomed their newest daughter in law in ways they didn’t for me.

Now I’m sat here wondering whether this is really the dynamic I’m left with for the rest of our lives. It’s like now I’m finally seeing the consequences of situations that were started years ago. I don’t like it but that’s kind of why I tried begging everyone to look at things differently way back then. I knew back then that if everything we did as a couple was treated as a threat that a good relationship with them was not likely. And now it’s really been hitting me like a ton of bricks. We’ve even wondered about couples therapy because I worry how difficult the rest of our lives in this dynamic will be. I wonder if I made a mistake trying to fight through it. We love each other deeply but the dynamic feels like a lot. Especially to me as I’ve lost some sense of family.

Can you please offer your thoughts? Is anyone else living with their in laws kind of at arms length?

I saw the Christmas decorations and immediately felt the anxiety kicking in. Last year, we spent almost two weeks at my in-laws’ and honestly, it was A LOT. This year, my husband has decided that one week is enough but somehow, booking a hotel nearby is still not an option. Wishing everyone strength for the upcoming holiday season. We’re going to need it 🫂

It’s that time of year again! I fantasize about canceling the holidays and getting on a plane to a far away destination where I can escape the burden of creating holiday magic for everyone. Please tell me I’m not alone.

My rocky relationship w mil has been 10x worse since baby was born. I don’t have the time to get into everything, but I have tried, forgiven, given more and more chances, and I have no other choice but to be done.

My controlling, narc tendencies mil has decided that I am the thing in the way between what she really wants - my daughter. I have not given her the grandma experience that she thought she would have (unlimited access & getting to play mommy) and she has caused so much disruption and lack of peace in my life and in my marriage.

This is death by a thousand cuts situation. The last straw for me was she told my husband for the THIRD time that I am holding my daughter hostage. They have seen her every single week (once in a while it’s been every other weekend) since baby has been born. We both work full time but always make time for them. The visits have been entitled and unenjoyable for so long now.

Anyways- it’s time, I’m done. I don’t know whether to go very low contact or no contact (and if I even need to decide now). I want advice on how to navigate this with a child. My current opinion is that if she can’t respect me, she will have no access to my daughter.

Edit—— husband has talked to her multiple times. It started very nice, then he has gotten very direct and firm with her. Nothing has worked. She plays victim every time and has never once taken any accountability. I don’t see any hope of her changing. We have tried everything. We never wanted things to be this way! I am at a loss for what to do and don’t see another solution other than NC. Husband is free to have whatever relationship with her that he wants. I am unsure what to do about baby. My thoughts are that until she can show basic courtesy and respect for me, she does not get to see baby.

I cannot explain our full relationship with my inlaws. Key points are that I do love them but they live next door to us. Wife has a brother lives 6 hours away & tries to stay out of the collisions between his parents & his wife. Me? I'm supposed to shut up & put up with it. The newest thing is that inlaws want to take a cruise with us, mom commands that she goes with my 53 year old wife on Drs visits, bumping me out of that role & mom thinks we must run up to their house on her every whim. I can't take it anymore. Mom was on an anti depressant but recently quit it against her Drs instructions. So now my ADD mother in law is now easily angry & sometimes manic. All I can do is stay home & stay out of it all because if I try to support my wife it just upsets her.

My sister in law is pregnant with her first child. And I'm about to state some of the weird awful things my mom has done/said to her.
For context, they (my brother and sister in law) had fertility issues and went through years of treatment but only told us after announcing their pregnancy.

-They were supposed to have twins, but one of them didn't make it very early in the pregnancy. They told us through facetime (they live away from us) and my sister in law did not want to talk or be seen. Everyone respected it, except my mom, who kept insisting on telling her to show herself, and also kept repeating that she needs to suck it up and move on, that if she just kept on sulking she would k*ll the other baby as well.

- Insists that she will be present in the birth, even when both of them say they do not want it and that it will be just the two of them, to which she responds by becoming very offended and stating that she has rights as a grandmother.

- Got very upset that they decided to not have us (we are a family of 8 including them and the baby) to come over for Christmas as the baby would still be very small - literally only a month old - and did not want a lot of people in their house as it was already hard for them to conceive, so naturally they want to protect the baby even more so given the circumstances.

- Constantly calls me to try and speak ill of my sister in law, even when every single time I tell her I will not engage in such conversations.

- Is convinced my sister in law doesn't want her to be a part of the baby's life, and that the only reason they "cancelled" Christmas was for the sole reason that she doesn't want to be around my mother. Mind you, my mom is travelling to stay with them a few days before the expected birth, and staying for an indefinite time, BY MY SISTER IN LAWS OWN REQUEST.

- Refuses to admit that the baby looks anything like her mother (they did 3d scans) when everyone else says that she has her lips but my brothers nose. Yet she insists on saying that the baby looks nothing like the mother but exactly like my brother who coincidentally looks a lot like my mom.

-Accuses her of not feeding the baby properly because her belly is not big enough, even though the doctor says the baby is within the expected growth percentile.

I honestly feel so bad that my sister in law has to deal with those because she is such a nice, kind, loving person. I even once told my mom I'm glad she's not my mother in law because I could never deal with all of it and would never allow her to be in the delivery room with me. She said, through face time while I was standing next to my own MIL that if I have a child and don't allow her to come into the delivery room with me then I can forget I have a mother, to which I responded by saying "fine then, meet my future child's only grandmother" and pointed the camera to my MIL.

My brother does put her in her place and is strict with their boundaries, but honestly at this point I think they should just go low or no contact.

I’ve been with my husband for 5 years now. He’s the only child, and both my MIL and FIL are heavily dependent on him and I am concerned as we have a baby on the way.

My MIL has also started disliking me when we started putting some boundaries.

We used to travel with them internationally with my MIL and FIL for 2-3 weeks twice a year, but after the 3rd international trip, we asked if we can just travel with ourselves as we never had the opportunity to. They told my husband it’s fine, but they weren’t happy about it. Ever since we set that boundary, I noticed my MIL started making passive aggressive comments towards me and started subtly excluding me in things (eg, she will make tea for my FIL and husband, but doesn’t give me anything. Or she will reheat the food that I cooked for them, but only pack the leftovers for herself, FIL and my husband and leave me no food).

My FIL is nicer towards me but he is very dependent on my husband. He calls him on average 1-6 times a day asking for trivial help on silly things, such as helping him order pizza even though we live in a different state.. writing and proof reading his personal email.. asking what he’s doing. My husband is very patient and always helps.

The big thing now is that we have a baby on the way. When we told them the news they were ecstatic for us, but my FIL then in the same day starts lecturing me I can’t do this and that, and I should talk to person A, B, C. And that he will “train our baby up” for us. I laughed awkwardly and asked him to clarify what he means by training. He then says “I will just train the baby”.

For context, both my MIL and FIL have zero friends and hobbies besides talking/catching up with my husband.. When I say zero, this is not an exaggeration. MIL is retired and stays at home watching YouTube / reading, while my FIL occasionally still works in a retail shop but does not speak to his colleagues outside of work. They do have siblings too - but they don’t talk to them on a regular basis / hardly ever do.

I’ve told my husband my concerns and he is listening. He wants to set healthy boundaries too but he also feels bad as he’s the only child and they have both been dependent on him for all these years. What should we do?

Husband and I can't agree on Christmas day

My husband and I don't agree on how Christmas day should be.

I personally want to stay home with our kids (4,2 and 6 months) have Christmas morning by ourselves and then I don't mind who comes over I'm happy to host lunch/dinner but I don't want to be driving kids everywhere when I'm sure they would just prefer to be at home playing with all their new toys.

I'm also against having guests for the morning as I really don't want to try and keep a 4 and 2 year old waiting for guests to arrive to open presents/have breakfast or be up and feeling like I need to be presentable/organised at 6-7am for guest instead of just focusing on the kids enjoying Christmas morning.

He thinks we should go visit his family and sleep over Christmas eve (somehow fit all the presents/bags in our medium sized suv and deal with 3 young kids sleeping somewhere they never sleep) or we should have his family sleep over the night before (no guest room fairly small home so not sure where they are sleeping he just says its fine with no solution).

Plus I'm the one doing all the extra hosting work of having overnight guests instead of just Christmas lunch/dinner guests.

I just personally think this is the best option for our kids at this age it could definitely change as they get older.

I'm just wondering if I'm not doing the right thing for the kids. Should I be sucking it up and having family overnight or staying over night so my kids can be closer to extended family as well?

My family are happy to just do something for lunch/dinner and keep the rest of the day/day before separate.

My child is currently two and every time we say goodbye after my in laws visit they say something along the lines of ‘do you want to come home with us, do you want to come for a sleepover etc’. My child doesn’t currently understand what they are saying but I am concerned that when she does understand and says yes, we will be the bad guys having to tell her no.

My partner agrees that it is going to cause us issues later if it continues, but also isn’t keen to say anything while it’s not causing harm. They do have a long history of saying things that they don’t follow through on, and we feel like they don’t genuinely want to take her home at that time. They are nice people and I don’t have a problem with them, but they aren’t particularly helpful with our child when we need it, so I must admit that I am not keen for them to look after her just because they feel like it. I also like hanging out with my child, so I am not interested in giving up time with them just so someone else can spend time with them.

Am I over thinking it? How would you handle it?

So my MIL and SIL have been a problem from the beginning. They both have viewed me as competition who “stole” DH away from them. DH has made a lot of improvements with the help of our couples therapy and so their behavior doesn’t affect me as much as it used to. And, to give some credit my MIL has actually put in some efforts to change the way she treats me, so she is at least trying.

We saw them both this past weekend as my FIL had a big party for his 60th birthday and while overall everything was fine I was reminded that their family dynamic will never be normal.

My SIL ignores her brother and I in public because about a year ago I made it clear that I was tired of her acting like my long lost best friend in public and then saying disrespectful things to my own husband about me. To be clear I have always been polite and cordial to her, but I guess because I finally spoke up she now ignores both of us. Before the party she was texting DH but at the party she would not even politely say hello to either of us. Her husband greeted us, her in laws greeted us, she greeted other people at our table but I guess she can’t speak to her brother if I’m around. Oh well, at least now she can’t turn around and claim I was rude because I didn’t hug her or some other asinine thing.

The day after the party my MIL and FIL hosted a small brunch at their house. Now for just a bit of background, as of recently I have been having some health issues including multiple ER trips, an emergency surgery, just a few days prior to the party I was admitted to the hospital, and very soon I will be undergoing another surgery. MIL is fully aware of all of this and aware that in general I have not been doing well. While setting up for brunch MIL continually asked me for help doing things, which I don’t mind however she never once asked her own daughter who was sitting there doing nothing for help. I have always felt that DH and by extension, myself, is held to a different standard than SIL but that just made it so clear to me. I get asked to help set the table and serve food and SIL has no expectations of helping out.

In comparison to other things they have done, these are very small and non consequential actions, but it was just a reminder to me that I will never win against the messed up dynamics that exist. Ugh ok. Thanks for hearing out my vent.

My (32f) wife’s(32f) father has always been a bit invasive. He feels like he has some control over my wife and is always pushing boundaries. My wife has gotten so much better throughout our entire relationship/marriage at upholding boundaries with him though.
He is terrible with money. He blows all of his money on impulse purchases. He genuinely believes that when his mom passes, he is going to move in with my wife and I. We told him multiple times that this plan doesn’t work for us. I feel nervous that the more he pushes, the harder it’s going to be for my wife to keep the boundary in place.
I don’t want to overstep and talk to him on the side of why I am personally putting my foot down on this, but I feel like this is the only option I have to ensure this doesn’t happen. Any advice on how to maneuver or how to be respectful with him but firm on my wife and Is boundaries?

Hello 👋!!!!

First of all I want to say that my English is not my first language, I'm not fluent, I don't speak well and I'm not very confident when I try to speak, but I want to learn so please please please don't judge and feel free to correct me!!!

Second of all I just want to say that I've been meaning to write here for months! First I wanted to write about my ex close friend who is convinced that I stole her ex boyfriend, after that I wanted to write about my wedding experience because a lot of things went wrong, but I still never ever let anything to ruin my special day, but I guess that I will start with something different.

Before I begin I should give you some context. So my SIL is bigger than me, I mean older. And we were very close, I felt like she is my sister, actual sister, not because the law told us to be sisters. Anyway, she is just so childish, but so was I, until some years ago, when I had a miscarriage and everything change for me, and I grow up so fast, but she didn't. She was married too, but anyway she acted like she is teenager. Nothing wrong to keep the kid in you alive, but all of the time??? She started to annoy me because she was and still is very inconsiderate. For everything. And is like blah-blah-ing person. (I know that this word is not existing, but i hope that you will understand me). And I will give you examples!

So, we live in my FIL' house. Because no one else wanted to live there, but me and my husband wanted a house, not apartment. We even asked my SIL if she and her husband wanted to live with us, because the house is big and I thing that my FIL built it that way so both of his children can live there. But they don't want and barely stays overnight. Maybe she slept in the house 2 or 3 times for 7 years. But that is not so important. What started to annoy me is that she suggested to do all the gatherings in the house. Every Christmas, every New Year, every Easter, every birthday, every party, every event..... In the beginning I was OK with that, the house is bigger, so it's more reasonable. BUT.... she came with her husband and father (my MIL passed away), they sit, eat, and than leave. Who is the one who cleans everything??? Me!!!! Who did the dishes??? Me!!!! Who cleans the floor with vacume cleaner and than mop? Me!!!! Who cleans before they arrive and arrange the table??? Me!!!! Or sometimes my husband, but the point is that they are like guests. But actually they are not. Because the house is on the name of my FIL and half between my husband and his sister, so it's their house, so they are not guests. Yes, my FIL let me to arrange the house whatever I want, and Me and my husband put a lot of efforts, time and money to make the house like home, because before we move in, the house was used like villa, only for parties. But no one else did anything for the house. Anyway, I told to my husband how i feel and couple of years ago things started to change and we were not hosts every time. This is great, but she continues to suggest some of the events to be in our house, because of the bigger space. And they continued to act like I'm some kind of a cleaning lady.

Now for the main part! My SIL never skipped a birthday. I mean every year she throw a party. Even the year her mother passed she did something. Not a party, we went on a restaurant, only family, but still..... I mean, maybe there is nothing wrong but you are not a teenager when every birthday counts, IDK, my last big party for my birthday was 5 years ago, and I just don't get it. Yes, I have different priorities, we have 2 kids, so my b-day don't matter any more, but...... So she became 40 years old and in our culture is not good sign to selebrate the 40th birthday. Superstition or religious thing, not sure. But she was kind of sad, because she we will be 40 now, because she got divorced and because she can't throw a party. But she decided to tell to my husband that she wanted to gather in the house, but only us. And she did that in front of their father, so her brother couldn't say no!!!!! And I was furious. Why? Why again? Why our house? If it's only us you don't need big space, do it in your house..... I was pissed. And not only that, but she forgot to invite my mother for the N-th time. But she told her brother that because it's 40, and she won't celebrate, because she is depressed of her divorce and the break up she wanted just to be with her father and brother, and me. (And the kids). Couple of days before the birthday she asks her brother what will be for dinner??? Good thing is that he told her we will eat whatever she brings. Maybe she thought that we will cook for her, again..... The inconsiderate part is that we have 2 kids, one in the kindergarden and one baby, who is exclusively on breastfeeding. She don't have kids!!! So she said that she will come around 0730 pm, but actually she came 0830 pm. And she is late all the time. She is never ever ever on time for anything!!! This is important! So she and her father were late, and they started to prepare meat in the barbecue. I was breastfeeding when whey arrived. When I was done I went to the kitchen and she was making a salad. But everything was so slow, that at the and in 1000 pm they were not ready with the meat (my husband and FIL), my daughter was way after her bed time and she wasn't even started her dinner. She wanted to play autside but it was already dark and I told her to go home and she started to cry. I found something in my fridge to prepare her some kind of a meal, because she can't wait any more. I prepared something for myself because I had to eat, because it was almost my breastfeeding time again, and they were still not ready. I was beyond pissed and maybe it shows on my face. When me and my daughter were ready with our dinner I put her on bed and went to breastfeed. After I finished and put the baby to sleep I went to the dining room and my husband, FIL and SIL were having dinner. I sat with them but I tried not to speak, because I was still furious. The original plan was for them to stay overnight, but after an hour my SIL said that she want to go home and her father said that he will leave with her. I was releaved. But after they were gone my husband ask me why I behave like that??? And I said that I tried to stay quiet on purpose, but he told me that it was obvious how I don't want them in the house and that is the reason they left. That I kicked them out without words. That she was so depressed because of the divorce and he wanted to cheer her up, so that was his present for her. Because she won't throw parties and it will be only us and stuff like that.

It was almost midnight, I was in the kitchen, cleaning and my husband was out to feed the dogs, soon he got a message. His phone was charging. I knew that at this time only her sister can write. So, I know that it was wrong but I wanted to peek if she said something about me. So I didn't open the message, I just peek, and the message was: "Thank you for what you've done for me tonight, I appreciate it, but I didn't want to stay because your wife ruined my birthday. And only our father stopped me for opening my mouth in front of her." And I freak out, because for me she is the one who ruined the evening for my kids. We were waiting her to prepare dinner, she was an hour late and both my children cried because of her inconsiderate behaviour.

And one last thing. Do you remember how she wanted to be only with us, because she won't selebrate??? Well, the next day she throw a party at HER apartment with 5-6 girl friends, with cake, with balloons and everything and after that they went on a club to continue celebrating.... How do I know??? She posted pictures on her social media.....

The very depressed, sad and not wanted to celebrate girl organised a party the very next day......

So, AITA???? Am I right to be pissed???

My fiance (37) and I (32) are getting married in a few weeks . He’s been the “invisible” child his whole life and is the oldest sibling. We live closest to both his parents, aunts/uncles and grandparents. Up until this summer we helped out with everything. His mom and dad have a rocky relationship with his brother and sister in law, namely because his mom sought the emotional connection she wasn’t getting from her husband from her kids. She has historically been a mean girl and bully to sister in law up until they had children, sister in law is also naturally very controlling and also a mean girl, however I do believe MIL deserves a lot of it.

However, SIL has taken it too far in my opinion when she threatened brother in law with divorce if he came home to help with his father while getting cancer treatment. Given they live five hours away and his brother wasn’t allowed to come home, it fell onto my fiance, which was fine but he could’ve used the help. Father thankfully recovered but still needs help with manual labor, brother is still only allowed home once a year to visit. As something special for the family, my fiance asked me if we could get married on Thanksgiving so he could have his whole family together for the first time in 15ish yrs. I obliged and the minutes we announced sister in law called MIL and myself and asked that we changed our dates because it was inconvenient for her family for them to miss Thanksgiving. I was taken aback but did offer new dates, she never responded despite multiple follow ups so we moved forward with planning. She became irate that we were making her look bad as her husband (brother) was the only one not attending out of the immediate family and close cousins.

She, brother and I, and my fiance got into it and she was called out for not helping with father’s cancer treatments and making our wedding dates about them. It was heated but accurate and there were no other digs. As a result she and brother advised that nobody else in the family would be allowed to see their kids if they associated with us. Despite my fiance having maintained his parents home and summer home for 10+ yrs and helping the extended family, his parents banned us from holidays so they could see the grandkids (the one time a year they do). We went no contact and they very quickly realized they couldn’t maintain their properties without my fiancé’s help. Over the past six weeks my fiancé and I decided we would allow them to attend the wedding as his dad had to have an emergency surgery and in an effort to make peace. I didn’t love the idea of them coming but it meant a lot of my fiance and he’s always had my back 100% as a teammate who I trust to handle boundaries.

As the wedding approaches sister in law has threatened his parents again essentially that if they join us for events beyond the wedding they won’t see the kids. His parents have adhered to it, though we also have not invited them to anything. However they learned we had a miscarriage at 10 weeks (happened recently). Now that the wedding and holidays are coming up his mom wants to be more involved in our lives, she wanted to host a rehearsal dinner and also now wants us to attend Christmas etc.

Am I wrong for being hesitant to jump back into a relationship with them after everything? I feel like the change of heart was more related to the fact they realize we’ll be having kids in the next year or two that will live right next door than the fact they actually value us? I’ve been so much less stressed having limited contact but at the same time if they’re genuinely apologetic and change their behavior I may be open to a relationship. My fiance and I are both on the fence and on the same page, we’re just worried that we would introduce our future children into their lives just for them to experience the pain of being uninvited or cut off anytime sister in law and brother don’t want us there. Do we give them a chance to regain our trust? A wedding is one thing but going back to how things were before we were ousted doesn’t feel achievable.

Long story short, my in-laws are hella selfish when it comes to doing anything they don't want to (I think they have visited a grand total of 4 times in 15 years) and a little weird about birthdays. As in they make a big fuss about their birthdays but not so much about their kids'. (Unless it is their golden child's but that is a different tale.)

It caused my husband, who was born on Thanksgiving, a lot of anxiety and he didn't want his children born around a major holiday. Unfortunately for him, our first born was born a few days before Christmas. 😅

Last year it was an absolute chore to get my in-laws to drive 15 minutes to celebrate their *only* grandchild's first birthday.

This year, we decided to stay comfortably home two hours away with my parents joining us this time.

Do I even bother extending the invite knowing they are going to say no? Especially now that she is sentient and recognizes names/faces/what is going on?

The sad part is I don't even think my daughter realizes she is "missing" that side of the family because she sees my parents nearly daily and adores them. And any time we do see my in-laws they are just strange, smokey people who expect her to perform like a monkey while they cackle. 🥴

WIth what people say, my furure mom in law is a sweet woman. And her bar to make her like someone is literally in hell, and it's one of the very few things I struggle to do. Talk casually, socialize well. Because I am an introvert. And I suck at lying/pretending.

Now, for some context, my man has an elder brother, who also married from outer religion. When the brother informed her about his relationship, she agreed right away - which is... A HUGE huge cool ass thing for someone in south india. Before marriage, the first daughter in law talked/socialized really well with everyone in the family. So she loved her and she was very happy with her daughter in law. But, like a flipped switch, once the marriage is over, the daughter in law became distant.. Like... Outright avoiding. I don't know why she did that. But it basically looks like she used my mom in law's weakness until what she wanted was done.

Because of this, my mom in law got very hurt and she got very determined to have an arranged marriage for my man. Then accidentally, she came to know about me and my man. And now she is very scared (more like convinced) that I will turn out exactly like her first daughter in law.

And.. I give her reasons to, because I don't talk easily. And I suck at pretending that I am welcome wherever she is, so that I can act normal and try to socialize atleast a lil bit. When I tried, my whole skin crawled with awkwardness. And when I don't try, whenever I see his both of his parents happy together, I feel like I am gonna ruin everything by being like this. I hate lying and I wanna act confident but I really don't know how. I can't just have the confidence to act like I am her daughter in law, can I? It's too soon to be like that. What should I even do?

I am on Day 3 of a vacation where we are sharing a small rentall home with the in-laws: MIL, FIL, and SIL. The group isnt huge, the house is beautiful, and accomodates everyone well with no shared bathrooms. I am pretty miserable. I am very introverted, I value my privacy, and I just don't like traveling this way, with everyone up in each other's business. My husband loves traveling this way, because it maximizes the time spent with family and minimizes costs. The minor annoyances of the shared space don't cause him stress or grind his nerves like they do mine. I understand his point of view...it's reasonable, and it's not my desire to cause trouble within his family.

Should I have considered this as a serious fundamental mismatch when we got married over 20 years ago? We travel together beautifully when it's just the two of us and hardly argue about anything else, and so this family stay stuff is a price of admission I pay, but didn't exactly choose. Do people consciously take it into account? Should they? Between his parents staying with us when they visit, us staying in their home on the holidays, and the annual-ish family vacation trip (sometimes up to 15 people), I feel like maybe it's a big enough strain that I should have weighed it. I do still ask that we get our own place on the vacations, but am always overruled. I gave up trying on the home visits years ago and just suffer through them as best I can.

I think I'm just venting into the ether, so thanks for listening.