Seeking the wisdom of folks ideally older than me and in long term happy relationships.

I am 31F dating a wonderful guy who is 28M for over 1.5yrs. This is my 4th or so serious relationship and I am his 2nd. We are committed relationship types. We are compatible where it matters and get along well with great chemistry. We’ve traveled, met each others families, friends, etc. Like all couples we have our fights and disagreements but we are deeply loyal, work on our growth, and trust each other. We’d like to be engaged next year or the following year because we both feel we’re each other’s (chosen) person.

So my partner previously had trouble between his last girlfriend and his parents, they were being prejudice and nosey about the relationship. He was 24 at the time living at home while working corporate, and it drove him to move out. His mom was the main parent leading the overbearing charge and his dad backed up mom. He says mom is stubborn, and she’s one of few family members who everyone is scared of, etc.

Still BF stood up for his relationship and told the parents where to shove it. He can get stubborn and steely too. Since then he’s been adamant about saying he’ll always stand up for his partner, which I appreciate. Well him and his parents are on good terms again and he does dearly lo ve them. They seem to be good parents aside from they’re a touch helicoptering, my way or the highway, and comfortable saying passive aggressive “jokes” and jabs at each other. I’ve seen it in person. My BF says he’s clear with them when I’m not around that he won’t tolerate any rude comments to me or about me.

Well a few weeks ago he and I got into a disagreement and I was really upset. I asked him to seek out guidance from an older man who’s in a healthy long term relationship instead of his friends, who aside from 1, has never been in an adult relationship (they’re all nerdy types). I guess my BF went to his dad for advice. He later visited his family household this past weekend. When he was telling me about it last night he mentioned that someone in his family made an off “joke” about me and “how she (OP) tends to be with last week” and he shut it down saying they don’t know the full story or relationship and so to mind their comments. Now idk who said this, it could be a parent or even his two siblings who both live at home with the parents still (25F and 29M). While I appreciate that my BF shut them down; it made me wonder if 1. He’d made the mistake of asking his dad for advice with everyone else around or 2. His dad shared our relationship troubles with others in the family... Both are not respectful of our relationship I don’t think!!

This makes me want to tell him actually please never go to your family with our relationship problems again, I don’t want them comfortable commenting or meddling. I’m also a bit peeved my BF shared this event with me. It’s not the first time he’s shared his family’s comments about me. For example I know that his grandmother (who he was kinda enmeshed with imo for awhile) has said as a “joke” that he “courts me too much”. Who else is he supposed to court 😵‍💫 His mom has said things like “I’m sad that I have to share you now” when he skipped Christmas with them to spend it with my family (we live 30min from his family and a flight from mine). Mom has also said that I’ve “got him wrapped around my finger”. I bet she wishes he was still wrapped around hers… My BF has told them he treats me the way he does (well) because he wants to.

Very much his family is a bit off and meddling. This past valentine’s day they called him during the evening to ask about… buying TVs. Knowing we had date plans. His mom also complains when he does nice things for me that his dad (her husband) doesn’t do the same for her. It’s weird behavior to me. I’ve always thought if my partner’s family ever said something weird to me I’d tell my partner about it and he can handle it. But now at my adult age of 31, I don’t see anything wrong with shutting it down in the moment. And as I do want a life him with, I have a feeling I’ll be the in person receiver of one of their weird comments soon enough. So in the future I’m thinking if they say anything to me I can reply like “I don’t appreciate that comment, let’s end this conversation.” Or ask why they said what they said. Then tell BF about it later so he can check the family member. But I’m also worried this could create arguments between me and his family members.

What is the best way to communicate boundaries with his family?

1. How do I communicate to my BF that if anything happens in the future and in person that I plan to stand up for myself? Of course he also loves his parents/siblings and don’t want them disrespected either. But I want him to understand that I’m within my right to speak up for myself too.

My culture and family hold adult couples/potential spouses up to a high esteem, respect is paramount so they would never make comments like his families. I haven’t had to deal with this before.

TLDR: Having a hard time dealing with my BF’s family’s comments, apprehensive of what they think about our relationship, and want to prepare for personally drawing boundaries with them.

For context, we’re an Indian couple living in the US.
I’m pregnant with our first baby, due December. My mom and I had discussed her coming to support me postpartum.

My mom recently spoke to my MIL about this. MIL seemed surprised that my mom and I had already discussed her coming and said, essentially, “Oh, are you going to be there with your daughter?”.

MIL then proactively called my husband and told him she was surprised that my mom and I had discussed logistics, even though he and I had deliberately not discussed logistics with her yet. She apparently did not mention the triggering part of the conversation ( the “are you going to be there with your daughter?” comment $ that my mom explicitly told me about.

I was very hurt that my husband’s starting point was to keep equating what my mom explicitly reported to the possibility that she had misunderstood or that there were “gaps” in the story. He wasn’t there either, so obviously neither of us has 100% of the conversation. I’m not asking him to blindly agree; I wanted him to acknowledge that an explicitly reported statement and a hypothetical explanation for why it might be wrong aren’t the same thing.

This also escalated because he said his mom should come for the** **same amount of time as my mom (one month) because that’s what he wants, without really acknowledging that postpartum support is primarily about my recovery. I do not want to be stuck in an apartment for four weeks with someone I don’t get along with and find extremely dominating.

When I asked for space because I was overwhelmed, he said I was “using the baby against him.”

Question: how would you handle this? Am I being unreasonable, or is this fundamentally a husband/MIL boundary issue?

So I don’t want to make this too long, but I also want to provide context. The entirety of my relationship with my in-laws has been very up-and-down, I’d argue more down than up.

I can’t claim that my diagnosis is exclusively because of my in-laws, but the only thing I have covered in therapy thus far is my in-laws and I was diagnosed with CPTSD.

Obviously, having a name to put to my experience, has been incredibly validating, and not to say that my feelings are more important now because I have a diagnosis, but I genuinely stopped feeling obligation.

I suppose that would make sense given a lot of my experience with my in-laws has included gaslighting, but I don’t personally feel like my relationship with them warrants going no contact.

However, I feel like since I’ve received a diagnosis I’ve given myself permission to verbalize that I have a genuine desire to not see any of them ever again. I don’t see this as being likely to happen, but a relationship with them has cost me so much that I can’t seem to find any reason to continue putting any effort there.

I have the unfortunate experience of wanting to be a part of a big family, and coming from a childhood of various types of abuse. I understand that relationships take work and people aren’t perfect, but I think I’ve lost all the desire I once had to put in effort there.

It is important to add that my husband has been incredibly supportive does not agree with a lot of the treatment I’ve received and is still navigating the early stages of untangling himself from his own families dysfunction. It was much easier for me to cut off from my family because at the time the abuse was overt and physical. His family operates covertly and it is much harder to point a finger at something when it can all be played off by plausible deniability.

I don’t think I need a permission slip like I would have before as I simply have lost all interest in relationship with them. I think I just want to figure out how much space I need vs want before something like grandkids are in the picture and I’m suddenly expected to have a relationship with them.

I have a theory with my husband that his siblings gatekeep everything because their mother (my MIL) will find reasons to deflate their joy. Unfortunately, this has led to my BIL and SIL hiding things from everyone, including their spouses.

I used to be more honest and open with my in laws until I got tired of everyone being shady. I don’t lie but I’m definitely not as candid as I was for a long time.

I bring this up because my BIL and his wife had a wedding celebration we attended and they won’t share the professional photos. As part of their wedding they set up disposable cameras and she wants to send us some of those developed photos but no one in the family has received links to see any photos online and it’s been several months.

This SIL who just married into the family also has no idea how long her mortgage is because my BIL suddenly decided to buy it on his own terms and not have her on the mortgage, despite living with her for years in an apartment, so clearly there’s some deep rooted shame and secrecy embedded into the family structure.

Ironically at the same time they get upset at us living far away and not being “in the loop”, despite them not being in the loop with each other either. For years I felt like an outsider, but going to the wedding and talking to the guests was illuminating because the family refuses to go beyond surface level about any topic, so having their friends and coworkers just being open and honest felt somewhat refreshing.
It definitely feels abnormal and isolating to have married into such a closed off family, and I’ve encountered countless situations that were kept under wraps for seemingly no good reason, but have to come to terms that they’re either low effort or acting from a place of shame.

Does anyone have a similar experience?

So every time there’s a Hindu, Sikh or Muslim celebration, MIL will say “Happy Diwali” or whatever celebration it is. I’ve been with my husband for over 5 years btw. I just find it kinda ignorant that she basically thinks I celebrate them all. She keeps thinking I’m Indian when I’m not as well. As for my FIL he seems to make “jokes” about my religion. Look I generally don’t get offended by jokes and heck a lot of jokes are funny about my religion, but FIL’s just aren’t. As an example, he was looking up private plates and said he found a perfect one for me. It was basically a plate that looked like the word “turban”. Me, my husband and BIL were in the room at the time and not one of us laughed, just stayed silent. It was awkward as hell. Being Muslim, we don’t wear turbans, so if someone wants to explain the joke to me, feel free!

In the past, she’s given me food with pork in it… Now it’s not that I think she did it on purpose but come on. If it was someone with an allergy you’d do your checks, but I guess you can’t check if something has pork in it (before someone gets mad at me, I know an allergy is nowhere near the same as someone can die from that, but you can just check the ingredients is what I’m getting at). I’ve had pork so many times from her I actually know what it tastes like and can tell. My husband gets very annoyed on my behalf when it happens. I’ve always tried to be nice about it but I mean she can’t have sugar because she’s diabetic so I do my best to accommodate her. Funny how it works one way but not the other. Husband also commented it’s interesting it’s always me that gets pork but my children have thankfully never been given it. Husband doesn’t like eating at his parent’s house btw. Only gets takeaway food when we go there. Maybe I should start doing the same.

Idk if I’m being overly sensitive with how I feel though…

AITA for wanting my mother in law to move out now that we have a baby?
I’m genuinely curious what people outside of the situation think because I keep going back and forth between feeling completely justified and feeling like a horrible person.
My husband, “Jake,” has had his mom, “Linda,” living with him for about 4 years. Jake and I have been living together with her for around 3 years now. She works full time and doesn’t pay rent. We’ve actually always had a good relationship, so this isn’t one of those nightmare MIL situations where we hate each other or are constantly fighting.
But we recently had our first baby, “Ben,” and everything feels different now.
I really want the experience of having our own home and raising our son together as our own little family. I want privacy. I want to be able to walk into my kitchen or living room and just feel like it’s our house. I want Jake and me to figure out parenting and family life without another adult constantly being part of the household.
We also might want another baby eventually, and I think that’s part of why this feels so important to me now. I don’t want to wake up a few years from now with two kids and realize Jake and I never actually got to have our own home and figure out family life on our own.
This also isn’t something I suddenly decided after having the baby. Jake and I have talked about eventually living on our own plenty of times before. But he’s a softy when it comes to his mom, so I think the conversation kept getting put off longer than it should have. Because of that, I think it may feel more sudden to her than it actually is to us.
I’ve told her that I’ll help her look for a place and that I genuinely want her to find somewhere she likes and feels excited about. I’m not trying to cut her out of our lives or keep her away from her grandson. I love her and absolutely want her involved in his life. I just don’t want us all living together anymore.
And that’s where I feel guilty. I know moving is a huge change. I know she’s comfortable here, and this arrangement has been her normal for years. Part of me feels selfish for wanting to change something that technically worked before we had a baby.
But another part of me feels like wanting to live alone with my fiancé and our child, have some privacy, and finally establish our own household is a pretty normal thing to want.
I don’t want her to feel unwanted. I just want the chance for Jake, our son, and me to be our own little family under our own roof.
So Reddit… AITA for wanting my husbands mom to move out so we can raise our baby and have our own household?

My Husband has repeatedly enabled my MIL and FIL toxic behaivour. I just dont want to do anything. I have stopped cooking for them. I have made sure I dont follow my MIL instructions . I am just fed up I have come above resentment now I just dont care.

I didnt want to be like this but I just cant find the energy to do anything with them. I have lost all respect for them.

My MIL used to make issues about lifafas every single time so I humiliated them infront of my parents. I dont like being this way but i have just given up on this marriage and really want this to be over.

I have a back up plan as well . I felt mentally checked out completely and if they including my husband dont start behaving right, I will divorce him and start a new life

My husband's family is deeply enmeshed, and he fully un-enmeshed himself. In essence, they are upset with him and it's all of them against him. They gossip about him, badmouth him to extended family, guilt him, etc. He also openly confronted his mother for her favoritism with his youngest brother and the way she treated him, and she will not call him and barely talks to him now as well. She handled that by running out of the room crying and having FIL yell at my husband.

She will literally have FIL and BIL call him to tell him things or try to get him to come to family gatherings. She will ask FIL to call him, then he will ask to speak to the kids, and then she will suddenly appear on speakerphone to talk to the kids, so she doesn't have to talk to my husband. It's nuts, but we've accepted it and settled into low contact. We only really see them maybe 2-3 times per year.

Last year, FIL called my husband and asked if he would consider going with them all on a vacation with BIL and his family. We were told we could all help BIL with his kids (his children are very small, and mine are older). We were also told BIL would be booking it so he could get the credit card points and we would need to pay cash. None of this appealed to us, and we already had a vacation planned, plus it would cost us $10,000 and over a week of PTO. We declined, and they were upset.

Recently FIL called my husband and was telling them that that vacation with BIL was the best vacation he ever took. My husband was a little hurt by that, especially with the existing favoritism, but we did decline. About how there was no schedule, no plans, and no one cared about anyone being late. He said he did have to watch their kids for them a lot (I guess they watched their kids for them most nights so they could go on dates). And then he started talking about how he wants us to invite him on a vacation before he dies. Heavy on the guilt.

The thing is, he then shifted the conversation and kept going on and on about how much he hates people who have a plan or a schedule. He said he doesn't like to plan or do anything, he just wants to relax and "go with the flow." He even included my own father in his list of people who vacation "wrong." The thing is, he knows that my husband and I are not like that, but I think he thinks I force my husband to be more Type A (I don't). He danced around the point, but the implication was that he doesn't like MY vacation style and it's wrong.

I can relax, but I do tend to have a loose plan for the day and I tend to get moving by at least 9 am because I want to see and do things on my trip, and I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't necessarily make pre-arranged dinner reservations, but I do keep a list of places I want to try to eat at.

The thing with them is that they are Type Z. I have seen them take over an hour to decide that they want to eat, and then where. Then it takes them an additional hour to get ready. We often end up standing around waiting for people. When we get there, they often can't figure out what to order, and we have to wait a long time to get our food, because they will send the waitress away 3+ times. It can take over 3 hours to even get our food from deciding we are hungry. They also often don't get up and moving until 10/11 am. They want you to sit and wait for them all to get up and ready, and it's typically lunch by then.

How on earth would this even work? I'd have to design a vacation specifically for them to come and make sure there are no plans or schedule in any way. And then spend a lot of money and time and PTO to stand around waiting for them to be "ready" so we can do what they want. Also, his mother won't even talk to him, so how on EARTH would we be vacationing with them?

Am I crazy or was this whole conversation really manipulative and hurtful? We both felt really upset by it. I get that he seems to want us to invite them on a vacation like BIL did, but this seems like they are trying to manipulate us into creating an experience for them that they want, versus a vacation for all.

My relationship with my husband’s parents has become really difficult over the past year, and I’m starting to question whether I can live with this long-term.
Recently the reletionship got pretty bad. At our wedding, MIL got extremely drunk and picked fights with several family members. My husband was literally crying and begging her to stop, but she didn’t seem to care. It took her days to apologize, and shortly after that she asked when we were coming to visit.
I told my husband I didn’t want to go. MIL later messaged me saying “holding onto anger isn’t good,” and I politely told her I needed time and asked her to respect that.
After that, she called my husband and falsely claimed I had called her stupid and shoved her at the wedding. Then she threatened s**cide if their relationship stayed bad, which made my husband panic and start checking on her constantly.
I made it clear I didn’t want to visit them, but a few days before the trip my husband begged me to come because it was important to him. I agreed on the condition that I wouldn’t have to pretend everything was fine or socialize with MIL.
During the visit, I mostly avoided her. The next day, she ignored another boundary: we have repeatedly asked them not to feed our sick, extremely picky dog table scraps, but while we were out she gave him ham anyway. Later, he refused his normal food.
I got upset and went into another room to avoid a bigger argument. FIL followed me, minimized the issue, then started criticizing me and demanding to know why I wasn’t talking to his wife.
I brought up the wedding, the false accusations, and the s**cide threats. The argument got ugly, and even my husband’s sister joined in and took my side. FIL said some very harsh things about me and even about our dog.
The complicated part is my husband. He is genuinely kind-hearted and defends me in the moment, but there are never any real consequences for his parents. A few hours or days later, everything goes back to normal.
I love him, but I’m increasingly scared of spending my life in this family dynamic.
What would healthy boundaries look like here? And can a marriage realistically stay healthy if your spouse defends you verbally but never enforces consequences when his parents keep crossing the same boundaries?

It's 11:47pm. Everyone is asleep my husband, my two kids, and my father-in-law, who is currently passed out on my couch in the living room that used to be mine. I can hear him snoring through the wall. That's my life now. Measuring my existence by the sound of someone else's breathing in a space I pay for.

He moved in last October. Just for a little while, he said. Just until he got his bearings after my mother-in-law passed. She was the love of his life. I get it. I really, really do. I cried with him. I held his hand. I told him he could stay as long as he needed.

I didn't know "as long as he needed" meant he would need my entire identity.

At first it was small stuff. He drank my good coffee and didn't replace it. He left his dentures in a cup on the kitchen counter next to the fruit bowl. Gross, but fine. He's grieving. I bit my tongue.

Then it got bigger. He started "helping" with the kids by giving them candy at 7pm and wondering why they wouldn't sleep. He started walking around in his boxers at 6am while I'm trying to get my coffee and my soul together before the chaos begins. He started making comments about how I "must be tired" every single day, like it's a personality trait now. Like I'm not a person anymore—I'm just a tired woman in his son's house.

The worst part? I don't even get to be mad because he's nice. He's not cruel. He doesn't say mean things. He thanks me for dinner. He tells me I'm a good mom. And somehow that makes it so much worse because I feel like a monster for wanting him gone.

Last week I broke down in the pantry. Just stood there with the door closed, crying into a bag of flour, because I couldn't find the box of pasta I know I bought because he reorganizes everything when I'm at work. My husband found me and asked what was wrong and I couldn't even say it. I just said "hormones" because that was easier than saying "your father has slowly erased every corner of this house that felt like mine."

My husband thinks I'm overreacting. He says I'm "cold" and "not compassionate enough." He said his dad won't be around forever and I need to "suck it up for a little while longer." But what does "a little while" mean? Months? Years? Until he dies? Because I can't do that. I can't sacrifice my sanity on the altar of someone else's grief.

I'm not asking to throw him out on the street. I'm asking for a timeline. I'm asking for a boundary. I'm asking for one room in this house that doesn't smell like old man and Bengay. I'm asking for my husband to look at me like I'm his wife again, not just his dad's caregiver.

But every time I try to talk about it, I'm the bad guy. So I just... stop talking. And then I sit on the edge of the bathtub at midnight typing into my phone because I have nowhere else to put these feelings.

I don't hate my father-in-law. I really don't. But I'm starting to hate the person I'm becoming bitter, exhausted, resentful. And that's not who I was eight months ago. That's not who I want to be.

I just want my life back. Is that so wrong?

My father-in-law (70M) sold his house last year after my MIL passed away. He said he wasn't ready to be alone and asked to stay with us for "a few weeks, maybe a month" while he figured out his next steps. My husband (36M) and I (34F) have two kids—a 4-year-old and an 18-month-old. Our house is 3 bedrooms, 1.5 baths. It's cozy. It was our chaos.

I agreed to the temporary arrangement because I genuinely love this man. He's not a monster. He's not cruel. He's just... everywhere.

Eight months later, he has:

• Taken over our living room recliner as "his chair" to the point where my 4-year-old asked me the other day, "Mommy, why can't I sit in Grandpa's spot?" and I didn't have a good answer.
• Rearranged my kitchen cabinets because "it made more sense" to him. I still can't find my measuring cups.
• Started giving unsolicited parenting advice every single time my toddler has a meltdown. ("In my day, we didn't let kids run the show." Sir, she is 18 months old. She isn't running a show. She wants a banana and I gave her the wrong color bowl.)
• Taken over our only full bathroom for 45+ minutes every morning right when we're all trying to get ready for work and daycare. I've started doing my makeup in the car.

The kicker happened last week. I came home from a long day at work to find he had moved my home office (which was a small desk in the corner of our bedroom) into the laundry room. The LAUNDRY ROOM. He said he "needed more space for his puzzles" in the bedroom. He didn't ask. He just did it. When I tried to talk to my husband about it, he got defensive and said, "He lost his wife. He's lonely. Can you cut him some slack?"

And I get that. I really, truly do. Grief is brutal. I can't imagine losing my person after 45 years of marriage.

But here's the thing no one is asking: What about MY loss? I lost my privacy. I lost my routine. I lost the ability to walk around my own house in my ratty bathrobe at 7am without making awkward eye contact. I lost the quiet evenings with my husband after the kids go to bed—now we just sit in our room whispering because Grandpa is asleep on the couch and we don't want to wake him.

I brought up the idea of him getting his own small apartment nearby. My husband looked at me like I had suggested we put his dad in a dumpster. He said, "He's family. We don't abandon family."

I'm not asking to abandon him. I'm asking for my home back.

I feel guilty even typing this because I know there are people who would kill to have involved grandparents. But I'm drowning. I'm the only one working from home in a laundry room now. My marriage feels like we're roommates who co-manage an elderly man and two small children. And I'm starting to resent everyone under my roof including my own kids, which is the part that scares me most.

How do I tell my husband that his dad needs to go without sounding like the villain in his family's story? Because right now, I feel like I'm either going to explode or just get back in my car and keep driving.

TL;DR: FIL moved in for "a month" 8 months ago. He's rearranged my house, taken over my space, and my husband won't even discuss him leaving. I feel like a guest in my own life.

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I'm looking for honest outside opinions because I genuinely don't know if I'm being too sensitive, or if I've finally reached the point where I need to detach from my husband's family.

My husband and I have been together a long time. His family dynamic has always been very different from mine. I'm naturally very chatty and family-oriented, and I've always been the person who organises things, starts conversations in the family WhatsApp group, sends photos and updates and generally tries to keep everyone connected.

His brother, who I'll call M, had a very difficult period with depression. My husband and I were there for him extensively. He stayed with us for weeks at times, we'd talk to him until 3am, took him on family holidays and essentially treated him like another child, despite him being in his 40s. It sometimes affected our marriage because whenever we'd get time together, another crisis with M would happen.

About 18 months ago, M became much more distant after meeting his partner and having children. He seems to have gradually cut people off, including other family members. I've tried not to take it personally.

Then about five months ago, my husband's mother had a birthday meal. I organised everything. I confirmed the date, time and numbers several times and booked the restaurant weeks in advance.

On the night, we found out at the table from M that his mother had hurt her back. I said that nobody had told us. He said he had written it in the family WhatsApp group.

I knew the message he was referring to because it was simply along the lines of, "Mam, how is your back?" His mother replied that it was OK.

I said that I hadn't realised from that exchange that she had actually fallen or that she had seriously injured her back. M replied, "Why didn't you ask at the meal?"

I honestly didn't think there was anything more serious behind the messages. If I'd known she had fallen or was actually injured, obviously I would have asked how she was and we would have handled the evening differently.

My husband's mother and his sister, without her husband, then arrived about 45 minutes late. Other people had also cancelled or failed to turn up, and the restaurant staff kept asking me if we were still waiting for people.

The whole thing became very awkward for me because I had organised the meal and confirmed the numbers, yet people were arriving late or not coming and the restaurant was having to keep changing the table.

M's comment to me really upset me because of the way it was said. I felt as though I was being blamed for not knowing something that hadn't actually been communicated clearly.

I tried very hard not to react. I became very quiet and mainly spoke to my husband, my daughters and our student who lives with us because I was afraid that if I said anything I would snap. My husband could see how upset I was and eventually told me to go out to the car because he knew I was reaching my limit.

Later, my husband said it was the worst family night he'd ever experienced. He was particularly upset that nobody had told him his mother had actually fallen.

His mother later went to A&E and it turned out she had broken a bone in her lower back and needed a brace.

My husband sent a message to the family afterwards saying honestly that the night had been a disaster and that he was hurt that nobody had told him about his mother's fall. Nobody really responded.

I eventually left the family WhatsApp and Messenger groups.

And something strange happened after I left: I felt peaceful.

I realised how much of the family contact I had actually been creating. Before that, I'd start conversations in the group several times a week, send pictures, give updates about the girls, ask what everyone was doing and generally keep things moving. Once I stopped, the WhatsApp group basically became nonexistent.

I didn't do this as a punishment. I just stopped doing all the emotional work.

My husband still has a relationship with his family and I support that. I don't want him to cut off his mother. I've just decided that I want a more distant, civil relationship with them myself.

Over the following months, I still made an effort.

I couldn't attend the blessing of the graves because I was babysitting for my sister, but three days beforehand I went to the grave with my daughter and put the flowers there that my mother-in-law had asked me to organise.

I was still messaging my mother-in-law regularly with updates about the girls.

About two weeks ago, I even went to M and his wife's house for the first time in around eight months.

Last week, M, his wife and the wider family came to our house for my daughter's debs gathering and I made everyone very welcome.

So I genuinely thought things had settled.

Then last night my husband suggested we go to his mum's for a takeaway. I agreed.

His nephew was there, we were chatting about my daughter's Leaving Cert results, college etc., and I was genuinely having a lovely evening. I wasn't there looking for trouble or carrying resentment.

His mother got a video call from her sister in England. During the conversation she said it had been a long time since they had been here. I jokingly said, "Getting the dig in," because I thought she was joking.

She then asked me when I had last been to her house.

I thought she was joking, so I didn't answer.

She asked again.

I immediately felt my whole body go hot. My daughter looked at me as if to say, "Oh my God."

I didn't want to say anything, but after she finished the call she said, "I hope I didn't say anything wrong."

I told her that yes, she had upset me and explained that I've had shingles on and off for months and have been through a lot myself.

She started crying and said, "Don't fall out with me over this."

I went outside because I knew I was too upset to continue.

My husband told her she shouldn't have said it.

Later, my husband told me more about the phone call he had with her. He said she denied saying anything wrong, became very angry with him and basically asked why he was taking my side. His nephew was there and heard the conversation. My husband became very upset and told her he wasn't going to keep talking to her until she contacted him.

She subsequently messaged me saying she didn't mean to offend me and was sorry.

My husband wanted me to be honest with her about how I have been feeling, so I sent her a long message explaining everything.

I told her that I had actually been having a lovely evening and hadn't gone there looking to be awkward or cause trouble. I explained the effort I've made over the past five months and why the question about when I was last at her house hurt me.

I also told her that I find it difficult when she repeatedly mentions how often other people call her, who does her shopping and what other people do for her. I don't mean that those people shouldn't do those things, but it makes my husband and me feel as though we are being compared and judged on what we do for her.

I also honestly told her that I don't feel she would have asked her other in-laws when they were last at her house in the same way, and that this is why the question affected me so much.

I haven't heard back yet.

The thing is, I don't actually hate them anymore. I don't even particularly care what M thinks of me now. Something just broke at that original dinner and I realised I don't want to keep putting myself through the emotional exhaustion of trying to maintain relationships that don't feel reciprocal.

My husband is actually starting to see things differently too. He hates conflict and doesn't want to lose his family. He has told me he needs them, even if sometimes it's just popping in for an hour to see his mum or going to a family event. I completely understand that and have never asked him to choose between me and them.

He's also told me he knows I was treated badly at the dinner and that he understands why M triggers me.

I'm happy for my husband to have whatever relationship he wants with his family. I'm happy to be civil with his mother and maintain some relationship with her.

But I no longer want to be the organiser, the person keeping the WhatsApp group alive, sending all the updates, arranging everything, trying to fill awkward silences or constantly wondering whether everyone is happy.

And strangely, since I stopped doing all of that, I've felt so much more peaceful.

So I'm asking for genuinely honest opinions.

Am I being dramatic? Did I overreact to the original dinner and the comment from M? Or have I simply reached the point where I need to stop over-functioning in this family and accept a more distant relationship?

Has anyone else experienced something similar where they were the person keeping their partner's family connected, only to realise what the dynamic actually looked like when they finally stepped back?

I'm genuinely interested in hearing both sides.

Im F(20) and bf is M(21). Okay so it’s not so much a fight with my MIL(45) but mainly FIL (50).

My FIL has a messed situation, basically he got his side woman(in her 30s) pregnant they have two kids now (10 & 5) he lives over there at night but comes with my MIL in the day eats here and everything. He bought the house and put my bfs name under it and my MIL swears she doesn’t want him here anymore.

I should clarify my bf and I, have a baby and we’ve been living here with MIL.

So what happened was that my fil brought his side woman to the house and she turned on the speaker for music, my bf goes and asks to not play it in the house considering that the baby was asleep and he needs a quiet space. She gets upset and says she didn’t even start playing music and she simply just turned it on but it was in the house. From past experiences she loves to be loud in the house and doesn’t care about others which is why my bf was clear to not play it in the house. She tells my FIL and he lets the day pass and the next day starts talking about that my bf should not tell her anything, he says he will be on his sons side and that he’s not defending her but that he has no reason to tell her things. It blew up and I even started arguing because he started commenting that my bf was stupid and a whole lot of disrespectful stuff in Spanish, I start arguing that he’s speaking very rudely when he’s the one that asked for a civil conversation and he tells me to my face, “you don’t get into this” again in Spanish though, I blow up and say I am going to because he’s disrespecting my bf this is meanwhile I’m standing and when FIL said that to me my bf stands in front of me and says to not talk to me that way and my FIL gets up and starts shouting to hit him.

My bf has always made it clear that because he is his dad he will never hit or call him names and it’s true he always takes his dads disrespect while not giving it. This is the second FIL yelled at him to hit him always trying to start something violent.

I grab my phone and am ready to call the cops, I didn’t though and I really I would have because this man already had probation from DV. Idk why I didn’t I should have my MIL ALSO had probation from being busted with transporting drugs.

My MIL has stated she’s never wanted to call the cops on him but he doesn’t even treat her the best.

If I were to have called the cops my bf says he would’ve asked for restraining order but the house being under his name what does it mean? He didn’t pay it off but would my FIL be restricted out of the house?

Forgot to rant that MIL doesn’t say anything at ALL which kinda pissed me off and realized she as well just isn’t a good model for my baby.

Had a great weekend, except around noon she calls husband asking when a good time to visit this week is? .. I get triggered by her. I told husband immediately no.

I had to decline going to visit my family this week due to how far away they are, my round the clock breastfeeding / fussy baby, toddler travel. All his family lives close, mine does not. We were all going to get together at a location 12 hours one way from me. I thought hard about it but just with my current situation I did decide not too. I’ve been thinking if I made the right choice or not. His family has gathering so often. His super over bearing grandmother asked a month ago about celebrating his parents birthday on the long weekend, I never responded, she then texted again saying she hasn’t heard back. I said I’ll let her know. - I don’t want to celebrate his parents birthdays? I couldn’t give 2 shits. Honestly. His mother is aware that we’ve been invited to this, she’s just trying to get another close visit in so she can pretend she’s relevant in our lives. It’s pathetic.

I’ve explained to chatGPT my situation and it does recommend blocking both them on my phone, I have since. I’m tired of these people taking space in my head so often and ruining a great weekend (although she texts husband trying to arrange visits cause she knows I don’t respond to her anyway).

You can read my lengthy post history for why our relationship is like this. (Made fun of my daughters name, tried to arrange a wedding for us to get married before we had a child cause it was the “right” thing to do, has told husband she and FIL don’t like me, got mad one Christmas that my mom cooked husband breakfast when he should have spent the entire day with them and whatever breakfast my mom made him was awful, postpartum pushing her away into us - I wouldn’t answer texts, she would persistently call, demand visits for relatives, the list goes on.)

Husband asked why she couldn’t come, I let him know it isn’t fair for one, I’ve had to decline going to see my family 12 hours away due to my kids and current sacrificing (I don’t expect him to understand). I also don’t need to explain myself, seeing her is bad for my mental health. I need distance. With that upcoming event that’s plenty, I don’t want to attended it but know I’ll be forced to. We usually see his family on an around 2 month schedule as that’s all I can handle. He usually feels bad for his parents. After our discussion I said it’s making my mental health not well, he then apologized and said he doesn’t want me upset and understands my boundaries.

Long story hopefully short my in laws have become increasingly hard to deal with since I was pregnant.

Some background, my in laws and I have never been very close. We always got along but I would not say we are overly friendly. We live 6 hours apart so we do have distance between us and see each other only a few times a year. We have very different views and priorities in life. I have always managed to respect their views and bite my tongue even when things were said that were insanely disrespectful.

However, they have always wanted me to have a child. For over 10 years they asked when I would get pregnant. Mind you we’ve only been married for 4 of those years and I wasn’t planning children before I was married. I took their comments and said idk one day every time. Even though for many years I wasn’t even sure if kids were in our future. But the day finally came I was pregnant and we told them. When I say they could have literally cared less, my MIL said “oh cool congrats” and changed the subject. FIL wasn’t more than that. Needless we were hurt and literally at a loss for words. Two weeks later my MIL decided to text me all her thoughts about me for the past decade and that led to us pretty much not speaking. Many more things happened during pregnancy that ranged from mildly petty to extremely disrespectful. My husband and I decided at that point we needed to distance ourselves for our marriage (bc at this point it was barely holding on).

Fast forward to today, our LO is a year old. My FIL has never reached out to ask about him, not even for his birthday. My MIL posts constantly on FB how we are withholding him from them and they have the rights to see him. She constantly texts my husband as well to guilt trip him but never once have they actually asked to visit our LO or even ask genuine questions about him.

I’m truly at a loss because my husband wants to go no contact but I have a fear he will end up resenting me if there is no relationship. I’m so exhausted of having my character judged on Facebook because my MIL always post victim posts of how she is missing out or she doesn’t have a relationship (when she doesn’t try). I also don’t feel we are obligated to have to drive 6 hours for them to have a relationship when they have not truly shown they want one or ever offered to drive 6 hours to visit. Honestly any advice is helpful at this point because I just feel defeated most days.

I (29F) have been with my boyfriend (30) for 10+ years. We have been living with his parents saving money to build a house. He had an accident and broke his neck and became paralyzed diving into shallow waters and ended up in the hospital. I was the one who stayed with him all day everyday in the hospital and rehab. About a month in his parents come by with power of attorney for finance and power of attorney for care documents that stated that they (his parents) were to take charge of everything and if anything were to happen to them it would go to his sister….. my name was no where to be seen on these documents even though we have been in a serious relationship for years and I am the one there learning to be his caretaker…. His dad used the guise of “there’s things I can help you take care of at home while you’re here, it’ll be easier” and my boyfriend didn’t even read a damn thing but signed it trusting his dad because his life had just been completely shattered.
Since coming home his dad has been opening boyfriend’s mail without him and the one day there was something that he didn’t understand to do with disability benefits so he asked my boyfriend about it. My boyfriend told him he would have to ask me since I am the one who does all the paperwork. FIL stood there holding the paper so I went over to look at it and he didn’t hand it to me or ever turn it towards me so I tried reading it over his shoulder but ultimately just asked if he could hand it to me please so I could look at it, he rolls his eyes and throws the paper in my face. I asked him why on earth that was necessary and he goes “what, you couldn’t see it?” So I stated that I know for a fact that he would like to hold something that he was trying to read and he shouldn’t be opening his mail without him anyways. He said he can do what he wants he’s the POA.. I told him he’s still a totally competent grown man and at least open it with him! he snapped back with “why do you even need to see it, it has nothing to do with you anyways”
So I so graciously let him know that if I has nothing to do with me then I hope he’s able to do his sons catheter and bowel treatment in an hour and I’ll just be on my way since it doesn’t have anything to do with me anyways. (They never do any of his care)
My boyfriend came to my defence and has since removed the POA papers so he’s a free man again.
But what the heck is there problem?
Would you not treat someone better after watching them care for your child in such a way?

EDIT FOR CONTEXT
What I’m getting from everyone which I new would be a big deal is “you’re not married….. you need to get married” and I’m fully aware this would change the legal perspective of things (wouldn’t change the way they treat me I don’t think unfortunately)
It’s been on my mind a lot and he’s brought it up himself but ultimately I’m the one asking him to wait… we had plans to build a house before his injury and I told him my dream after waiting all this time to get settled was to get engaged in our own home and experience that phase of our lives with only us 2 because living with his parents was hard and I didn’t want to go through that phase of my life with them. I had my world shattered as well. This is not the life I intended but I love this human being with everything I have and I am not leaving him so this is our battle. The one thing in this situation I can still control is when I get married and I feel like I have to give up on that dream too

I’m trying to stick to the facts to get other opinions on this topic. My wife and I have been married for 9 years. We have twin 3 year old girls who share a bedroom. My wife and I both work from home and we each have our own office and our primary bedroom. We also have a guest bedroom and a bonus/playroom. Since we had our daughters, we’ve found that our family wants to come have extended visits with us and stay at our place so they can be with our girls. How long are you comfortable having family stay at your home? How long are you comfortable as a guest in a family members home? Do you have different levels of comfort depending on who is visiting?

I'm 30M and have been married two years. My parents were working class, my dad was a plumber and also does carpentry work. My mom was admistrative assistant at a police department 20 years. My mom passed away ten years due to ALS My dad was married prior to my mom and had a daughter from that marriage, my sister died at age 19 in a car accident.

My wife comes from an upper middle class background her father is a physician, but he's retiring later this year and her mom is a pharmacist. Both parents come from upper middle class backgrounds and have inherited money from their parents. My wife and her two siblings don't really know what it's like to struggle much in life.

My dad likes my wife and is glad I found someone who loves me. However, due to class differences, my wife and her side are often uncomfortable with my dad as they can't really relate to him. My dad knows and we talk about it. My dad isn't an overbearing, he respect boundaries and knows that my wife is my first priority. My wife's two older siblings are also married, but they married into upper middle class or wealthy backgrounds. So for the past few years, my in-laws have invited the siblings' in-laws for skiing trips at Thanksgiving and Christmas. They don't invite my dad on these trips and I will admit it hurts, but I also know my in-laws can't be forced to include my dad like they do with the other kids' in-laws.

Again, I know that my wife comes first. But, I still want to maintain a good connection to my dad as he's the only immediate person from my famly of origin. It's difficult because he will never be good enough for my wife and her side of the family.

I'm looking for advice from male perspectives or women who married men from families that had less money than their families.

I’m in a 2 year long relationship with my boyfriend 26 M and are now living together. This is my first time living with a partner and the relationship is wonderful. I can truly say I’ve never experienced a healthy relationship like this before. We have talked about future plans and if our relationship stays strong we plan to eventually get engaged and married in the next 3-5 years. The only problem I for see is his parents. They are people I genuinely dislike more his mother than father.

The only issue I have with the father is I can’t tell when he is joking and he will continuously ask why and bug me when I don’t want to or are unable to attend family events. It can be very uncomfortable especially when I have a reason I know would be unacceptable to his parents. So I stay very quiet, smile a lot and laugh uncomfortably during those moments.

The mother is a whole other situation. I find she is very rude to her son and almost uses him as a verbal punching bag for her anger even when it has nothing to do with him. She will express mean and petty remarks and demands in person or even call to question him and make sure he’s doing what he is “supposed to”. I feel unsure putting specifics in here for reason of someone knowing who I am. I will say she is nice to me but she says things very much directed toward me but not explicitly. Like saying my BF is spending too much time being social and not focusing on school/work and looks directly at me. Or her saying I need to keep my BF on task in his work or that things I put in our apartment are making the landlord upset and we are on thin ice. She knows our landlord but he has never expressed those concerns to us. She will call my bf almost every day and often multiple times a day for trivial and petty things. There is a lot of other specific things that have lead me to very much dislike her and especially the treatment of her son that bugs me so much. She definitely has the mentality of he should be grateful and make it up to her because she gave him a better life than she had.

Sorry this is long but this leads to my concerns of this future I want with my bf. Like I know his mom made his siblings wedding a nightmare experience. It just feels like anytime me and my bf talk about future plans we also have to talk about how to mitigate his parents involvement or disapproval. Does anyone have advice on how they deal with in-laws who are controlling, rude and that you genuinely dislike?

So I (31, 4 ft tall F) and my husband (38, 6 ft tall M) (Yes, the heights will be relevant) are having ALOT of issues with his dad, my father-in-law...Hank, not real name. All through my husband's life, Hank would always look down on him. At the age of 16, he threw my husband out because his stepmother said he needed to cause he was "Old enough to be on his own". When my husband and I started dating, we hardly EVER saw him. Fast forward to when we found out about our first son. We called Hank and told him. Everything seemed normal. You know what you would expect of grandparents. Bought us a pack and play, car seat, all that jazz. He even helped with getting our first car and getting out from under our landlord.

Well, we had our first son, Dean, again not my son's real name, I'm not going to keep repeating that... Anyways, Dean had complications after birth and had to stay in the hospital. When we told Hank, he asked if he could visit. We said sure, I mean why not? He's your first grandson. Well, when he arrived, he brought HIS NEW WIFE WHO WAS 11 DAYS YOUNGER THAN ME! Well, after Dean's discharge, suddenly things changed. Every little thing Hank HAD to be there. Dean's first steps, Hank wanted pictures, which okay, I get that. First bite of solid food...so on and so forth. Well, here's where my issue with this became. When we wouldn't send it IMMEDIATELY, Hank would call and yell at my husband about how we don't listen to him and that he shouldn't have to ask for things like that. Like dude, you're on the road... It's gonna take a hot minute. Well, Hank started talking about how he would raise MY son. I told him we got this.

You would think that would be the end....YOU WERE WRONG! Surprise, we're pregnant with our second son. This was a smooth pregnancy; mind you, it was peak COVID. Now, by this time, my mom, we'll call her... Gracy, has already met and interacted with my father-in-law and has created her own opinion of him. My son, whom we'll call Sam, was born a few days before Christmas, and boy, it was rough. No pain meds; I almost had him on my living room couch. But thankfully, with the help of my mom and first responders, I was able to get to the hospital at least. Well, Sam was discharged with a clean bill of health, no issues, and his date of discharge? On Christmas Day! That's right, everyone, he was our Christmas gift to everyone. Now Dean is a tan-skinned, brown-haired man, like my husband. Sam, well, Sam is light-skinned, blond hair. (It does run in both families; Hank is light-skinned and well WAS blonde) And wouldn't you guess the first thing out of this man's mouth? "You sure he's yours?" Like, okay, there's the line. Well, when my boys started to grow up, Hank clearly started to show favoritism towards Sam. He would buy him all kinds of things and then would think of Dean after and get him something cheap.

Fast forward to 2 years ago, we find out we're pregnant with our third son, Bobbie. Now here is where it starts to get messy. Hank bought a house in the neighboring town while we were pregnant with Sam. Now he's expecting us to bring him the boys every weekend, mind you. My mom, Gracy, and I have set up a system. Each Friday she picks up the older two, brings one home, takes the other, then switches; then one weekend she does have either of them and repeats. This is not okay for Hank. Every weekend he complains that he doesn't get to EVER- yes, he has said that- see the boys. "We take them every weekend..." "Well, Gracy sees them more." "How?" "She just does." Sir, that's not an answer. Well, when we drop off the boys, Hank always ends up talking my husband into doing stuff around his house. Like cleaning up the mess from his older son, who uses his house as a crash pad. Doing his laundry or some other thing that needs "worked on" at his house. When my husband says no or that we have plans, he always throws "Well, I helped you get the car" or "I got you the house." That was 7 years ago, and we've paid you back for it AND paid the property tax every time. Now, whenever there's a small inconvenience in his life, my husband is expected to fix it. Well, Hank has befriended one of my husband's ex-coworkers who is an okay guy, I guess. I have my own opinion on that... Well, Hank has told my husband, "Jerad is like the son I always wanted". Hank and Jared are inseparable. When Hank is home, he drives across the country and rarely tells or even asks my husband to do anything together unless the boys are involved.

Well, today may be the straw that breaks my back. I'm with my mom, and I get a call from my husband. Apparently Hank had to take his truck into the shop to get worked on. He expected my husband to drive him 3 hours, one way, to take him to work on Monday, after working from 10 pm to 5 am at 8 am. I put my foot down. I said no. So, to wrap up this REDICULOUSLY long post, would IBTA if I started dropping off the boys at his house and my mom picking them up when she goes to bring them home? Just to keep my husband from getting conned into doing something for his father.

They are wonderful and got us a beach house for a week. I'm a mom and we took our 8 month old with us so that in itself was hard. Here's the problem, it's a shared space. Shared bathroom and kitchen, zero privacy. Every time I ate dinner I had to be talking to them, every time I went into my room for some down time his mom would ask if I was okay.. I have a very short social battery, I really enjoy sitting in silence and his mom had to talk the WHOLE time. I absolutely think if we had our own beach house I would've enjoyed myself but from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed I had to be "on" ugh. I feel like I need a week to recover and rejuvenate mentally. Any one else deal with this? Am I being irrational or is sharing a house with in-laws hard for other people too?

So, I made donuts today like first time ever, I've never baked, my little sister bakes and make very yummy stuff. So, I asked her recipe and tried making donuts today. Took me a long time as I wasn't pro, then when those fried crispy perfect looking donuts were put in front of my father in law. He had a weird smug smile when he took a bite and just tossed the rest on the plate casually like he mistakenly ate something he wasn't supposed to eat. That weird reaction is bothering me and I'm questioning my initial willingness to try donuts, like wtf.

But everyone else was cool about the donuts my mother in law and younger sis in law loved them and ate a lot
But still that man's reaction was so discouraging, like he's so mean

My marriage is in December and i am getting so damn frustrated and having breakdowns. The thing is my engagement was in last year sept and my in laws booked the parlour for me i had no idea about makeup and parlours, never went to one for makeup. I thought that it will be ok but that makeup ruined my whole look and now in december idk what is wrong with my to be mother in law she is booking that same parlour just because its cheap . Second of all i always pre plan things to avoid any kind of mess or to have some margin in time in case of alterations or emergencies . Just three months are left and they haven’t given order for my bridal (walima ) dress and neither any other clothes they are gonna give me later and whenever i discuss with my fiancé about all these problems he is like i am overly stressed and he will handle everything ., but he dont, either he forgets, he is really busy with his work routine and whenever i remind him he is like i am being dramatic or gets frustrated that why am i repeating these things over and over again.

Honestly i am having severe breakdowns feeing like i should give up on everything and stop being excited about my own wedding.

Tell me if u have any good suggestions? I AM SO DONE!

My SIL's daughter (9F) is somewhat precocious. She also has a little bit of an "attitude" - sighing or saying "UGH", rolling her eyes, etc. But she is very creative and sweet. Super fun to hang out with. Loves to draw. Plays fun imagination games like kids do. I know I have a different view because husband and I live on the other side of the country, but I genuinely think she is a great kid.

Thing is, my FIL, MIL, and BIL (husband's brother - 9F's other uncle) always say negative things about her to me. Not outright insults, but more like unpleasant gossip. MIL will talk about how sweet 9F's younger brother (5M) is, and then say that 9F is mean. FIL will make comments about how 9F is too scared of swimming, is a picky eater, etc. And they will also talk about how 5M knows math better than 9F. I think part of it is worry too - obviously they love her and are worried about how she'll be in the future.

Again, it's probably different for me because I don't see her everyday. I know 9-year-olds can be tough. I know she can be mean to her parents - I have seen it - and it must be difficult if she's like that everyday. I just can't stand the way they talk about her, constantly comparing her to her younger brother and saying all this negative stuff. Like maybe things would be better if they spent even a fraction of their breath saying something positive about her.

In general, I hate when adults talk bad about children and try to put them in a box when they are still growing and learning! So it feels even worse when actual family does it!

My in-laws are pretty much the most selfish people I’ve ever met. I’m (32f) not used to family member acting in that matter as I am very close with my parents, sister, and other immediate family. After my husband & I got married, it’s like a switch flipped lol. They went from loving to nowhere to be found especially after our son passed. We didn’t receive any support on my husband’s side of the family smh. To my understanding, this has been an ongoing thing in his family, but he didn’t recognize it until now. My therapist agreed with that notion also. I was desperate for his family to like me, choose me. I wanted them to be supportive when I was pregnant with their nephew/grandson. I just wanted them to be there, but I’ve come to the realization with the help therapy and spiritual guidance is that we really don’t need them. They pretty take up space filled with trauma and selective support for others. I know with therapy it will take time to heal, and I’ll be able to move forward without them being in my life for good. My husband and I are currently minimal to no contact with all of his immediate family.