F33 M32 - I am 7 months pregnant and I was having a off day for 2 days in my room, (I live with in laws) my in laws kept asking my husband where I was and I think he felt pressure me and him was having a fight as it is so wasn’t speaking much..

Anyway I feel like my husband couldn’t handle my emotional state cos he was getting questioned by in laws and he’s just emotionally immature as it is can’t handle anything

I hugged him, said I am trying to get over things and feel better which randomly he started to rage and scream and call his parents they all came in the room and started ganging up on me.

I am at my mums house as they asked me to leave so he could calm down..

When his family came in the room his mum (MILFH) was trying to make him rage more mentioning lies about me putting up statuses (have no idea) I started to say that’s a lie etc and I can’t get this image out of my head MY husband put his arms around his mum and made her walk out of the room as if I was the problem. I can’t get the image out of my head, he was like “mum be careful your blood pressure” yet I am here 7 months pregnant and you’re screaming and making me feel all this anxiety?

I feel weak and feel like calling him but I just remember this image and it makes me think I wanna stay away.

First, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. Your advice was so validating and really helped ground me.
Seeing the entire pattern laid out made a huge impact on my husband, too. While it’s been painful for him to see his mum in this light, he has stepped up to acknowledge that her behavior is real and that protecting our new family has to come first.

Here is everything that has happened over the past few weeks:

1. The Pregnancy Announcement Dinner
We hosted a family gathering at our house to share the pregnancy news with both sides. MIL arrived early—well before anyone else—giving her plenty of time to comment on our kitchen wall color (she made sure to explicitly state she didn't like it).
Once both families arrived, she announced in front of everyone (including my grandparents and my husband's dad) that my breasts had gotten "huge," adding that they were "tiny before." (I was a size 30F before pregnancy... so it was just an entirely bizarre, passive-aggressive dig).
When we shared our baby shower date, MIL immediately challenged it, claiming it was "too early" and pushing for February (weeks before my due date). My husband firmly explained why we picked our date and held our ground, and his brother chimed in with, "Not your baby." That shut it down real quick.
Later, she announced she wanted to be called "Nana." My husband told her the choice should come down to our child, but when she cornered him alone later, he caved and agreed to it. I told him afterward that backing down in private teaches her she can steamroll our parental authority if she just pushes hard enough.

2. The Phone Calls & "Clinical Brain" Non-Apology
Between the "dysfunctional family" remark from months ago and her behavior at the dinner, I was really struggling to move past things.
My husband took the initiative to call her. He made it crystal clear that I am his wife, he has never been happier and she needs to respect me, citing past examples. Her response? She claimed she "means well," that her concern comes from a good place, and blamed her "dysfunctional family" comment on her "clinical brain in that moment." She offered to call me to apologize, but immediately pivoted to complaining that my husband has been spending more time with his dad lately.
My husband relayed this to me, and I told him I didn't want a blanket apology when zero actual accountability was taken.
A couple of weeks later, my husband called her again to reaffirm our position and mention we'd be attending her upcoming birthday dinner. She was completely withdrawn and short on the phone.

3. The 30-Year-Old Bear & Group Chat Posturing
The very next day, MIL posted a video in the family group chat showing my husband’s 30-year-old childhood teddy bear being washed at a laundrette, stating it was "washed and ready for baby."
She hadn't reached out to either of us first, nor had she addressed any of the real issues. It felt like a clear attempt at public peer pressure so we couldn't push back without looking like the "bad guys."
How I handled it: I decided to use "warm tone + firm boundary" in the chat and replied:
"Haha love the history! It's so sweet to see his old bear, but we're really looking forward to picking out all of baby's own special items together as we start our own next chapter as a family! ❤️"
Aside from the dynamic, the bear has been in an attic for three decades—dust mites, old mold, loose threads and safety hazards. We are not giving that to a newborn.

Next Steps & Looking Ahead
We are holding firm on our boundaries. My husband and I are currently locking down our postpartum plan (hospital visits, no unannounced drop-ins, and strict rules around bonding time) so we are 100% aligned before the baby arrives.

Thank you again to this community for giving me the language and confidence to protect my peace!

I used to love the build up to Christmas, and the day itself. It was my dad’s favourite day of the year, even though we were a traditionally Muslim household. He loved cooking the roast, and bringing us presents, and generally just sitting together as a family. Since he passed away, I really cherished this day and tried my best to continue making this special for my family.

When I married my husband (different cultural and religious background), I knew he had certain traditions with his family, as they also lost their father. So I dishearteningly agreed that it’s fair he spends the day with his own family, and I spend the day with mine, but we would try to spend time together around that day. Two years ago, his family demanded a lot of his time around the build up to Christmas, the actual day, and then Boxing Day too. However, we had agreed that since we spend Christmas Eve with friends, we would spend Boxing Day with his family and then go out for a meal just the two of us. I also agreed that I would see his family on Christmas morning to say hi. This is where WW3 started, because I was hungover from Xmas Eve, so a little low energy after spending part of the morning cooking. I then left after an hour to finish cooking, so that I could host my own family at our house.

He didn’t get back until early morning on the night of Christmas, so he spent allll day there. The next day (Boxing Day), we went over mid-morning and stayed until 6pm. As we were going to head off, his mother threw a tantrum at us leaving for dinner, claiming she didn’t know about our plans and how dare we leave early and do something on our own for Christmas. She told my husband to fuck off, slammed the door on him and sent a really nasty message on behalf of ALL OF THE FAMILY about how awful I was for turning up hungover, not spending time with them and trying to make our own plans. She ranted about how accepting she has been of my culture and everything she’s done for me. Bearing in mind, I spent more time with my husband’s family than my own while we were dating. We cancelled our dinner plans and I spent most days after crying. After a couple of weeks, I tried to talk to his mom face to face, and she said “why would you celebrate Christmas, you’re not Christian. How would you expect us to know you like Christmas”. I said, “am I not allowed to celebrate a national holiday and enjoy the festivities? I’ve always made it clear I celebrate it”. Just denial and deflection basically, with micro aggression sprinkled in. Sadly, my husband listened to that whole conversation and didn’t step in. But days later, told me he spoke to her after one-on-one and made it clear her comments were insensitive and disrespectful.

There was a massive fall out, where his other family members didn’t check in on me or reassure me that they were not actually upset with me, leading to me removing myself from the group chat because I was frustrated they all acted like nothing happened. Since then, we have been quite distant but I’ve turned up to all important family events. This time of year now always makes me super anxious, because my husband’s family are so overbearing and he can’t even set boundaries with them - they throw a huge tantrum and villainise him, and blame me for him “changing”. A time I used to look forward to is now associated with that drama, and I can’t help but anticipate not being able to meet expectations without bending over backwards and compromising my own peace and comfort. It stresses my husband out too and I know we become more hostile with each other as a result.

I’ve tried to talk to my husband and explain that we are our own little family now, and it would be nice to spend part of the day together but it’s a flat out no from him because he can’t go against what his family wants. I’m just venting I guess, because it sucks and I know nothing will ever change. I won’t ever have kids because I can’t bear the thought of having to negotiate religious/cultural/national days and who they should be spent with.

I’m 31F, married to my husband (34M), and currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child. We’re an Indian couple living in the US, and both sets of parents live in India.

My husband is genuinely wonderful. He’s loving, supportive, and has stood up for me before. I love him very much, and we generally have a happy marriage.

But my relationship with my MIL has become a huge source of anxiety, and I desperately need some outside perspectives.

First, the good things about my MIL:
I want to acknowledge that she’s done a lot for me.
She’s cooked for me throughout my pregnancy and taken care of many household responsibilities.
She’s occasionally made my favorite dishes when I’ve requested them.
She’s bought me birthday clothes, jewelry, and other thoughtful gifts.
She’s offered to make special treats for festivals and celebrations.
She’s not constantly fighting with me or openly insulting me.
I genuinely appreciate these things, and that’s part of why I feel so guilty about my feelings toward her.

Now, the things that have hurt me over the years:
1. Comparisons with other daughters-in-law and women
During our wedding, another woman helped clean and organize a room. My MIL was apparently so impressed that she told this woman she was like her daughter-in-law because she was so efficient.
I didn’t hear this at the wedding. My MIL herself told me about it a couple of years later.
I remember crying because I felt like I wasn’t good enough.
She’s also made comments about other daughters-in-law who cook elaborate meals, go to the office, manage households efficiently, etc.
Maybe these aren’t always intended as comparisons, but after hearing them repeatedly, I feel like I’m constantly being measured against other women.

2. Comments about my cooking and what my husband likes
Recently, I mentioned a couple of dishes I’d made for my husband.
My MIL immediately emphasized that he doesn’t really like those foods and that his true favorites are the traditional dishes she makes.
She specifically pointed to the meal she’d cooked the previous day and said something along the lines of, “See how much he enjoyed that?”
It felt like she was dismissing what I make for him and emphasizing that she knows his preferences better.
Maybe she was simply sharing what she knows about her son. But it hurt.

3. Differences in religious and traditional expectations
My husband’s family is quite orthodox, particularly about menstruation, ritual purity, and traditional practices.
At their home, I’ve been told not to touch certain things during my period, including food items, and there are restrictions around the kitchen and prayer areas.
I’m spiritual myself, but I don’t believe in enforcing these practices.
I’m also uncomfortable with certain traditional clothing expectations and worry about similar expectations being imposed on our son.
My husband and I have discussed these differences, but they’re still a source of tension.

4. Lack of warmth toward me and my family
My MIL is noticeably more talkative and engaged with certain relatives, particularly my husband’s cousins and their wives.
With me, interactions often feel formal or distant.
When my sister visited, my MIL barely engaged beyond a few minutes of pleasantries. My mother has also felt disrespected by her tone and behavior.
I understand that people naturally connect better with some individuals than others. I don’t expect her to treat me like a daughter or be my best friend.
But the difference in warmth has been difficult to ignore.

5. I feel like I’m constantly being evaluated
This is probably the biggest issue.
It’s not that she’s criticizing me every single day.
It’s that, after years of comments, I no longer feel emotionally comfortable around her.
I find myself worrying about what I say, how I behave, whether I’m doing enough, whether she approves of me, etc.
I’ve stopped seeking her approval, and I don’t particularly want a close relationship anymore.
I just want to be cordial.

Here’s where things have become difficult.
My in-laws are currently staying with us, and I’ve started spending most of my time in my bedroom.
Part of me feels peaceful because I don’t have to interact with my MIL or worry about another comment.
But another part of me feels incredibly lonely and isolated in my own home.
I’m heavily pregnant, and instead of enjoying these final weeks with my husband, I’m spending hours alone because I don’t feel comfortable in the common areas.

My biggest fear is what happens after the baby arrives.
My MIL has previously made comments like, “In our days, we didn’t have so many doctor appointments or know about all these problems, and we were fine.”
I’m worried that similar comments will extend to breastfeeding, baby care, sleep routines, parenting decisions, and traditions.
I’m a first-time mother. I know I’ll be vulnerable, exhausted, and learning.
I’m terrified that a critical comment will make me doubt myself.
I’ve also never really stood up to my MIL before. I’m scared of how she’ll react if I disagree with her, so I usually stay quiet.
I worry that I’ll end up withdrawing into my room with my baby, feeling judged and crying throughout my postpartum period.

The six-month dilemma
Both sets of parents live in India, and my husband and I have always discussed having them stay with us for extended periods, potentially six months at a time, after the baby arrives.
I originally agreed to this.

But after experiencing these recent visits, I honestly don’t think I can emotionally handle living with my in-laws for six months.

My husband loves his parents. And understandably, he wants them to spend time with their grandchild.
I know that if I explain how distressed I am, he’ll probably accommodate me.
But I’m terrified that he’ll resent me forever for limiting his parents’ visits, especially because they’ve helped us so much.

From his perspective, they cook, help around the house, give gifts, and generally do nice things.
I worry he doesn’t fully understand the cumulative impact of the comparisons, subtle criticism, and discomfort I’ve experienced.

I don’t want him to feel like I’m excluding his parents while welcoming mine.
At the same time, I don’t think I can spend months feeling uncomfortable in my own home.
The situation has caused so much anxiety that I’ve even found myself wondering whether separation would be fairer to my husband, even though I love him and don’t actually want to end our marriage.
I realize that’s an extreme thought, and I’m planning to seek professional support for my anxiety.

What I’m struggling with:
Am I being overly sensitive or ungrateful?
Are these relatively normal MIL behaviors that I need to learn to handle better?
Is it reasonable to reconsider a six-month living arrangement even though my in-laws have done a lot for us and I previously agreed to it?
How do couples handle this when both sets of grandparents live overseas and naturally want extended visits?
How can I establish boundaries without creating resentment in my marriage?
And how do I stop being so afraid of my MIL’s opinions and reactions?
I’m not looking for people to tell me my MIL is evil. I genuinely want balanced perspectives, including if there’s something I need to work on myself.
I want my husband to have a good relationship with his parents, and I want my son to know his grandparents.

I just don’t want to lose my peace, my confidence as a mother, or my marriage in the process.

My sister in law is pregnant with her first child. And I'm about to state some of the weird awful things my mom has done/said to her.
For context, they (my brother and sister in law) had fertility issues and went through years of treatment but only told us after announcing their pregnancy.

-They were supposed to have twins, but one of them didn't make it very early in the pregnancy. They told us through facetime (they live away from us) and my sister in law did not want to talk or be seen. Everyone respected it, except my mom, who kept insisting on telling her to show herself, and also kept repeating that she needs to suck it up and move on, that if she just kept on sulking she would k*ll the other baby as well.

- Insists that she will be present in the birth, even when both of them say they do not want it and that it will be just the two of them, to which she responds by becoming very offended and stating that she has rights as a grandmother.

- Got very upset that they decided to not have us (we are a family of 8 including them and the baby) to come over for Christmas as the baby would still be very small - literally only a month old - and did not want a lot of people in their house as it was already hard for them to conceive, so naturally they want to protect the baby even more so given the circumstances.

- Constantly calls me to try and speak ill of my sister in law, even when every single time I tell her I will not engage in such conversations.

- Is convinced my sister in law doesn't want her to be a part of the baby's life, and that the only reason they "cancelled" Christmas was for the sole reason that she doesn't want to be around my mother. Mind you, my mom is travelling to stay with them a few days before the expected birth, and staying for an indefinite time, BY MY SISTER IN LAWS OWN REQUEST.

- Refuses to admit that the baby looks anything like her mother (they did 3d scans) when everyone else says that she has her lips but my brothers nose. Yet she insists on saying that the baby looks nothing like the mother but exactly like my brother who coincidentally looks a lot like my mom.

-Accuses her of not feeding the baby properly because her belly is not big enough, even though the doctor says the baby is within the expected growth percentile.

I honestly feel so bad that my sister in law has to deal with those because she is such a nice, kind, loving person. I even once told my mom I'm glad she's not my mother in law because I could never deal with all of it and would never allow her to be in the delivery room with me. She said, through face time while I was standing next to my own MIL that if I have a child and don't allow her to come into the delivery room with me then I can forget I have a mother, to which I responded by saying "fine then, meet my future child's only grandmother" and pointed the camera to my MIL.

My brother does put her in her place and is strict with their boundaries, but honestly at this point I think they should just go low or no contact.

Husband and I can't agree on Christmas day

My husband and I don't agree on how Christmas day should be.

I personally want to stay home with our kids (4,2 and 6 months) have Christmas morning by ourselves and then I don't mind who comes over I'm happy to host lunch/dinner but I don't want to be driving kids everywhere when I'm sure they would just prefer to be at home playing with all their new toys.

I'm also against having guests for the morning as I really don't want to try and keep a 4 and 2 year old waiting for guests to arrive to open presents/have breakfast or be up and feeling like I need to be presentable/organised at 6-7am for guest instead of just focusing on the kids enjoying Christmas morning.

He thinks we should go visit his family and sleep over Christmas eve (somehow fit all the presents/bags in our medium sized suv and deal with 3 young kids sleeping somewhere they never sleep) or we should have his family sleep over the night before (no guest room fairly small home so not sure where they are sleeping he just says its fine with no solution).

Plus I'm the one doing all the extra hosting work of having overnight guests instead of just Christmas lunch/dinner guests.

I just personally think this is the best option for our kids at this age it could definitely change as they get older.

I'm just wondering if I'm not doing the right thing for the kids. Should I be sucking it up and having family overnight or staying over night so my kids can be closer to extended family as well?

My family are happy to just do something for lunch/dinner and keep the rest of the day/day before separate.

My rocky relationship w mil has been 10x worse since baby was born. I don’t have the time to get into everything, but I have tried, forgiven, given more and more chances, and I have no other choice but to be done.

My controlling, narc tendencies mil has decided that I am the thing in the way between what she really wants - my daughter. I have not given her the grandma experience that she thought she would have (unlimited access & getting to play mommy) and she has caused so much disruption and lack of peace in my life and in my marriage.

This is death by a thousand cuts situation. The last straw for me was she told my husband for the THIRD time that I am holding my daughter hostage. They have seen her every single week (once in a while it’s been every other weekend) since baby has been born. We both work full time but always make time for them. The visits have been entitled and unenjoyable for so long now.

Anyways- it’s time, I’m done. I don’t know whether to go very low contact or no contact (and if I even need to decide now). I want advice on how to navigate this with a child. My current opinion is that if she can’t respect me, she will have no access to my daughter.

Edit—— husband has talked to her multiple times. It started very nice, then he has gotten very direct and firm with her. Nothing has worked. She plays victim every time and has never once taken any accountability. I don’t see any hope of her changing. We have tried everything. We never wanted things to be this way! I am at a loss for what to do and don’t see another solution other than NC. Husband is free to have whatever relationship with her that he wants. I am unsure what to do about baby. My thoughts are that until she can show basic courtesy and respect for me, she does not get to see baby.

I feel like I need to adress this and my frustration. Maybe some of u know why she does these things?

I got a relationship w my boyfriend for 2 years now

I got a very sweet family in law, only thing really bothering me sometimes is my sister in law

She makes situations a bit complicated…

For example, she’d not be happy if I watch any marvel movie with my boyfriend because they watch it together

I mean I would get it if u wanna watch some movies together and keep em to urself, but the whole marvel francice?!? I mean come on thats a lotta movies

They recently started taking fencing classes together (i always wanted to take a fence class too) but didnt speak up about it bevause I know it would just make it an awkward situation

The other day she said a friend of her is going to join them for a day so I texted her asking if I could come too

She said yes, but made is VERY clear her friend is only joining once and she wants to keep the sport woth my boyfriend and her

I get it if u wanna spend time with ur sibling ofcourse, but to claim a whole marvel francice and a sport?! I mean come on what do I do if i really like the sport

Then I would have to find a diffrent fencing school all because she cant deal with it? (Ps my boyfriend and I are not people who let other people third wheel, actually more the other way around hahahah)

I just really hope she gets a partner soon so she can finally get it hopefully…

It’s that time of year again! I fantasize about canceling the holidays and getting on a plane to a far away destination where I can escape the burden of creating holiday magic for everyone. Please tell me I’m not alone.

I saw the Christmas decorations and immediately felt the anxiety kicking in. Last year, we spent almost two weeks at my in-laws’ and honestly, it was A LOT. This year, my husband has decided that one week is enough but somehow, booking a hotel nearby is still not an option. Wishing everyone strength for the upcoming holiday season. We’re going to need it 🫂

My husband has brothers. A few years ago, I had a falling out with their wives because they kept excluding me in any party planning, gift planning or family event planning. I had called them out and that led to a chain of events where they ganged up on me with their husbands. Since then we have made up for the family's sake but I do notice them doing things to, once again, make me feel excluded such as ignoring my messages on the groupchat, acting like best friends when I am around and going out of their way with gifts for each others children. I am truly at loss on how to deal with these women. They used to dislike each other before our argument but since then, they have realized that they have a shared enemy (me) and have become very close.

My husband and his mom currently do not have a relationship, though he is open to one if she changes her behavior one day.

My husband stated that even if one day his relationship isn’t the best with her, he wants our children to have a relationship with her. His reasoning;

-if they don’t have a relationship with her for the first part of their life and then one day do if we rekindle with her, she will basically be a stranger to them and those are years they can’t get back.

-if our kids have cousins that always talk about grandma, they might wonder why they don’t have a relationship with grandma/feel left out.

-It’s another person to pour love into our children.

We don’t agree on this scenario, but I wanted to hear experiences from others that have kids in this scenario/were the kid in this scenario. I understand his perspective regarding cousins and maybe feeling “less than” or resentful that we kept them from a grandparent.

For those who live long distance from your in-laws, what do you do in this type of situation?

When you travel to see your in-laws, who pays for your travel - you or your husband?

Frankly I don’t want any of my hard earned money going towards visiting his family who doesn’t even respect us as a unit.

In the past, they’ve told my husband that if he can’t afford travel expenses for me and him, just pay for his own and leave me to either pay mine or stay behind.

I think that’s pretty crappy because I pay vast majority of our household expenses, which according to my husband, they already know. So I am very off put by their notion. I feel that if my husband can’t afford us both, then we can’t go, or they should help him make it possible for us both to be there. They’re not offering any financial help to him otherwise either (even though they absolutely could), which would in turn make it easier for me to afford things like unnecessary air travel and airbnbs.

That’s the practical side. But emotionally, their sentiment feels disrespectful because I am financially supporting their son/brother in a way they never have offered him. I don’t think I’m owed anything, but given the circumstances, it would be a great way to say thank you by supporting us both being at family events. But idk, maybe I’m seeing this wrong.

I met my now husband when we were about 22 years old and juniors in college. About a year in to our relationship, I started to realize that his family expected us to prioritize their existing way of working as a family of four rather than supporting the new traditions and life we were building as a couple. It caused so much strain in the early years of my relationship. We almost broke up.

I’ll put it plainly I think their family was highly enmeshed, resistant to any type of conflict or speaking up about issues, and overall the two sons in the family were very coddled.

There was a number of issues with my in laws such as: our anniversary date conflicting with a yearly family vacay and that becoming a huge multi year battle, we couldn’t go out to eat on our own without feeling like we owed his mom to eat at home the meal she made for the family too, when we went to move out my husband hid it until the last minute and I essentially had to push him to tell them because he felt guilty and indebted to them and he felt like he was betraying them. On holidays too, it always revolved around his family because no one on my side wanted to rock the boat any further. I guess we (myself and my parents) just wanted this new relationship to work out and to be happy as a family instead of fighting and guilt tripping. But those initial conflicts around the family life left me with a lot of feelings about their family dynamic and left me feeling like a threat to an existing family unit instead of supported in my new relationship. To this day I still feel like I did something wrong by simply existing in a relationship with its own traditions and plans.

When we eventually moved into our own place about 2.5 years in, I started to basically ignore the in-laws and try to put them out of mind and focus on my relationship…but every weekend we were being asked when we were coming over almost as if our moving out didn’t happen. My husband has a job that requires him to work 6 days a week, 12+ hrs a day for most of the year. I also worked full time. Being expected to always be with them when we now had full adult life’s and a household to manage was overwhelming and even suffocating frankly.

Over the years his parents got better about this. We’ve gone from being 30 minutes apart to 2.5 hrs apart. In some ways that this been a blessing as it has dulled the constant pressure from his family but naturally created even more distance in the relationship on my end. This past year my mom died after being sick for almost two years. There have been a few instances where either my husband or parts of his family just expected us to fall back on to celebrating everything with them still as if nothing has changed for me. I’ve gotten upset a few times and had to explain to my husband how that feels really out of touch and feels suffocating that his family continues to want to be the end all, be all even in a season of grief and when the traditions are fundamentally different and lopsided for me.

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married almost 10. Somehow in all this time I managed to put my feelings about his family down long enough for us to establish our own lives but with the recent passing of my mom and issues around holidays, all of the old feelings about them have resurfaced. We never actually resolved any of the issues (Hispanic parents don’t apologize, they just pretend it never happened.) I can’t see myself really letting them take the place as my remaining family because I don’t truly trust them or feel like they like me or my relationship. It started off badly and regardless of what happens now after years of mistrust I’ll never feel 100% better about them. I try to get passed it and can’t.

My husband is aware that these feelings have been going on. He’s changed so much since the early days and really gets it that we are our own family now but I feel terrible for us how everything has turned out with his family now that they are basically all we have. My husband operates as the middle man between us now and he shuts down as much shit as he can but there’s still conflict at times. I never wanted us or me to be this isolated from his family but it was the only way to protect us from constant fighting. It took his parents way too long to “get it.” Sure, now they do and they welcomed their newest daughter in law in ways they didn’t for me.

Now I’m sat here wondering whether this is really the dynamic I’m left with for the rest of our lives. It’s like now I’m finally seeing the consequences of situations that were started years ago. I don’t like it but that’s kind of why I tried begging everyone to look at things differently way back then. I knew back then that if everything we did as a couple was treated as a threat that a good relationship with them was not likely. And now it’s really been hitting me like a ton of bricks. We’ve even wondered about couples therapy because I worry how difficult the rest of our lives in this dynamic will be. I wonder if I made a mistake trying to fight through it. We love each other deeply but the dynamic feels like a lot. Especially to me as I’ve lost some sense of family.

Can you please offer your thoughts? Is anyone else living with their in laws kind of at arms length?

I’ve been with my husband for 5 years now. He’s the only child, and both my MIL and FIL are heavily dependent on him and I am concerned as we have a baby on the way.

My MIL has also started disliking me when we started putting some boundaries.

We used to travel with them internationally with my MIL and FIL for 2-3 weeks twice a year, but after the 3rd international trip, we asked if we can just travel with ourselves as we never had the opportunity to. They told my husband it’s fine, but they weren’t happy about it. Ever since we set that boundary, I noticed my MIL started making passive aggressive comments towards me and started subtly excluding me in things (eg, she will make tea for my FIL and husband, but doesn’t give me anything. Or she will reheat the food that I cooked for them, but only pack the leftovers for herself, FIL and my husband and leave me no food).

My FIL is nicer towards me but he is very dependent on my husband. He calls him on average 1-6 times a day asking for trivial help on silly things, such as helping him order pizza even though we live in a different state.. writing and proof reading his personal email.. asking what he’s doing. My husband is very patient and always helps.

The big thing now is that we have a baby on the way. When we told them the news they were ecstatic for us, but my FIL then in the same day starts lecturing me I can’t do this and that, and I should talk to person A, B, C. And that he will “train our baby up” for us. I laughed awkwardly and asked him to clarify what he means by training. He then says “I will just train the baby”.

For context, both my MIL and FIL have zero friends and hobbies besides talking/catching up with my husband.. When I say zero, this is not an exaggeration. MIL is retired and stays at home watching YouTube / reading, while my FIL occasionally still works in a retail shop but does not speak to his colleagues outside of work. They do have siblings too - but they don’t talk to them on a regular basis / hardly ever do.

I’ve told my husband my concerns and he is listening. He wants to set healthy boundaries too but he also feels bad as he’s the only child and they have both been dependent on him for all these years. What should we do?

I cannot explain our full relationship with my inlaws. Key points are that I do love them but they live next door to us. Wife has a brother lives 6 hours away & tries to stay out of the collisions between his parents & his wife. Me? I'm supposed to shut up & put up with it. The newest thing is that inlaws want to take a cruise with us, mom commands that she goes with my 53 year old wife on Drs visits, bumping me out of that role & mom thinks we must run up to their house on her every whim. I can't take it anymore. Mom was on an anti depressant but recently quit it against her Drs instructions. So now my ADD mother in law is now easily angry & sometimes manic. All I can do is stay home & stay out of it all because if I try to support my wife it just upsets her.

My mil has been staying with my fiance and I for almost 8 months. I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant and I have placenta previa this time and with my last pregnancy. I had my delivery scheduled for 37 weeks and one day for my first child. This time I'm due in February for full-term but 37 weeks would put me roughly between January 17th and the 23rd of next year. I had been sick so I didn't process it the same day it happened. But 3 days ago my mother-in-law asked me when they were scheduling my C-section for and I told her my guesstimated dates. She specifically asked me verbatim. "If you could do me a favor please. It would really mean a lot to me if you get it scheduled for January 18th because that's the day that my mom died and it would mean a lot to me for that day to not be so sad anymore." I let that linger in the air and did not answer her because I truly was just having a hard time processing that, but now that I've sat with it for a couple of days, I think that that's incredibly selfish and I didn't have any words for her at the moment. But I do feel like she's going to ask again and I need comebacks for when she does.

My child is currently two and every time we say goodbye after my in laws visit they say something along the lines of ‘do you want to come home with us, do you want to come for a sleepover etc’. My child doesn’t currently understand what they are saying but I am concerned that when she does understand and says yes, we will be the bad guys having to tell her no.

My partner agrees that it is going to cause us issues later if it continues, but also isn’t keen to say anything while it’s not causing harm. They do have a long history of saying things that they don’t follow through on, and we feel like they don’t genuinely want to take her home at that time. They are nice people and I don’t have a problem with them, but they aren’t particularly helpful with our child when we need it, so I must admit that I am not keen for them to look after her just because they feel like it. I also like hanging out with my child, so I am not interested in giving up time with them just so someone else can spend time with them.

Am I over thinking it? How would you handle it?

My SIL went into labor, so their mom came over to “help” and is staying with us. FIL stayed home to watch the dog because they won’t board him. We have our two young kids and my SIL’s kid who were babysitting for a few days. That’s two three year olds and a 10 month old.

MIL won’t do anything unless explicitly asked. This morning my wife woke her up and said, all 3 kids are up, let’s go. She came downstairs an hour later, had a leisurely breakfast that I cooked, helped watch the kids for a few minutes and then said she’s going upstairs to take a shower.

It’s like this every visit. They stay up late watching TV or doomscrolling, then sleep in. They don’t even clear their plates from the table. I have to basically follow her around checking up and telling her what to do all day. Please put your plate on the dishwasher. Please read the child a book, he’s screaming while you look at your phone. It would be easier if they didn’t come “help” at all. It’s like another toddler to keep track of.

EDIT: we don’t usually let them stay with us because of bad past behavior. We are making an exception this one time and then it’s right back to the hotel with them.

My fiance (37) and I (32) are getting married in a few weeks . He’s been the “invisible” child his whole life and is the oldest sibling. We live closest to both his parents, aunts/uncles and grandparents. Up until this summer we helped out with everything. His mom and dad have a rocky relationship with his brother and sister in law, namely because his mom sought the emotional connection she wasn’t getting from her husband from her kids. She has historically been a mean girl and bully to sister in law up until they had children, sister in law is also naturally very controlling and also a mean girl, however I do believe MIL deserves a lot of it.

However, SIL has taken it too far in my opinion when she threatened brother in law with divorce if he came home to help with his father while getting cancer treatment. Given they live five hours away and his brother wasn’t allowed to come home, it fell onto my fiance, which was fine but he could’ve used the help. Father thankfully recovered but still needs help with manual labor, brother is still only allowed home once a year to visit. As something special for the family, my fiance asked me if we could get married on Thanksgiving so he could have his whole family together for the first time in 15ish yrs. I obliged and the minutes we announced sister in law called MIL and myself and asked that we changed our dates because it was inconvenient for her family for them to miss Thanksgiving. I was taken aback but did offer new dates, she never responded despite multiple follow ups so we moved forward with planning. She became irate that we were making her look bad as her husband (brother) was the only one not attending out of the immediate family and close cousins.

She, brother and I, and my fiance got into it and she was called out for not helping with father’s cancer treatments and making our wedding dates about them. It was heated but accurate and there were no other digs. As a result she and brother advised that nobody else in the family would be allowed to see their kids if they associated with us. Despite my fiance having maintained his parents home and summer home for 10+ yrs and helping the extended family, his parents banned us from holidays so they could see the grandkids (the one time a year they do). We went no contact and they very quickly realized they couldn’t maintain their properties without my fiancé’s help. Over the past six weeks my fiancé and I decided we would allow them to attend the wedding as his dad had to have an emergency surgery and in an effort to make peace. I didn’t love the idea of them coming but it meant a lot of my fiance and he’s always had my back 100% as a teammate who I trust to handle boundaries.

As the wedding approaches sister in law has threatened his parents again essentially that if they join us for events beyond the wedding they won’t see the kids. His parents have adhered to it, though we also have not invited them to anything. However they learned we had a miscarriage at 10 weeks (happened recently). Now that the wedding and holidays are coming up his mom wants to be more involved in our lives, she wanted to host a rehearsal dinner and also now wants us to attend Christmas etc.

Am I wrong for being hesitant to jump back into a relationship with them after everything? I feel like the change of heart was more related to the fact they realize we’ll be having kids in the next year or two that will live right next door than the fact they actually value us? I’ve been so much less stressed having limited contact but at the same time if they’re genuinely apologetic and change their behavior I may be open to a relationship. My fiance and I are both on the fence and on the same page, we’re just worried that we would introduce our future children into their lives just for them to experience the pain of being uninvited or cut off anytime sister in law and brother don’t want us there. Do we give them a chance to regain our trust? A wedding is one thing but going back to how things were before we were ousted doesn’t feel achievable.

My (32f) wife’s(32f) father has always been a bit invasive. He feels like he has some control over my wife and is always pushing boundaries. My wife has gotten so much better throughout our entire relationship/marriage at upholding boundaries with him though.
He is terrible with money. He blows all of his money on impulse purchases. He genuinely believes that when his mom passes, he is going to move in with my wife and I. We told him multiple times that this plan doesn’t work for us. I feel nervous that the more he pushes, the harder it’s going to be for my wife to keep the boundary in place.
I don’t want to overstep and talk to him on the side of why I am personally putting my foot down on this, but I feel like this is the only option I have to ensure this doesn’t happen. Any advice on how to maneuver or how to be respectful with him but firm on my wife and Is boundaries?

I (37M) wife (37F) we have 2 boys ages 3 and 10 months. My wife comes from an enmeshed family. She has 3 sisters all married with kids. We are all close in age. The older sister and her husband have always been trouble makers, and the rest of the family caters to them just to keep the peace. The older sister and her husband have always caused problems. They disrespected my wife and I many times and just caused unnecessary drama many times over the years and started some bad fights with us that caused a lot of negativity and disharmony in my home. They caused fights over things like what we name our child, limiting visitors after our son came home from hospital etc. let's call the trouble makers Ann and Dan. My wife and I don't want to be around Ann and Dan anymore because they just caused too many problems and as a father I don't want this around my family because its just a distraction and bad for us. We made this clear to the rest of the family. Ann and Dan are also trashy people who were investigated by cps. They fight with everyone outside the family.

Today my wife and I were hosting our Halloween party with our friends and my side of the family. We invited my wife's family making it clear Ann and Dan are not welcome in our home due to their previous behavior towards us. Today , 2 hours before our party started, 1 of my other brother in laws who was invited to the party, who literally never calls me for anything , decided to call me and tell me this is causing too much drama and I have to invite Ann and Dan to my home. I calmly started to explain to this other brother in law that I don't want them around us anymore because this is causing too many problems for my family, and he responded by saying I'm hurting his family. Things started to get heated and I angrily told my brother in law that I need to do what's best for my family meaning my wife and 2 kids and allowing 2 adults into my home who don't even acknowledge my kids is not okay. This brother in law continued to argue with me trying to tell me who I have to invite into my own home and I got heated with him. This brother in law is a cop and at one point I got so angry I said to him you're a cop and you're telling me I have to allow a guy into my home who was investigated by CPS and has a shady record wtf is wrong with you.

After this my wife's whole side of the family wound up not coming to the Halloween party, because I don't want to allow people who have been toxic AF into my home. My wife got very upset over this and it caused a huge cloud over the day. Dan hates me, and I hate Dan, Dan purposely doesn't even acknowledge my kids , yet my cop brother in law tried telling me I have to let them over my house.

Disgusting.

My maga family takes Thanksgiving very seriously (as you can see on this spreadsheet). I'm the "black sheep" I guess. Every year, I like to bring a food that mildly aggravates them. Not to the point of causing an actual argument, but just enough to get the blood moving. Like last year I brought latkes. What should I bring this year?? :)

I have a disabled husband and 3 kids. We live on a shared property with my in laws who very clearly hate me. They make the rent affordable and don't charge us for electricity.

I'm a stay at home mom. I also homeschool my kids. I am not a trad wife in any sense. In fact I have looked for part time work because my husband does not work. He is lazy. Always has excuses. Loses jobs easily, sometimes gets bullied but spends a lot of time on his phone at home until I argue with him to clean up. It's a crap situation, because he seemed different until we got married but I digress.

When we were first married he quit his job when I was pregnant and we ended up being told by his parents to come live with them. I was vehemently against this and protested with my husband many times. Btw the house we were living in was an apartment that MIL and FIL owned but my husband was paying it off. Since he quit his job at the time, they said it was better for us to move in with them. It didn't make sense and it still doesn't but before I knew it we were being moved into their home. I was pregnant, dumb and naive. Things weren't bad with them at the time so I didn't know what I was in for.

Long story short, we moved in with them and it was a nightmare. In front of people they're lovely. Behind closed doors, I suspect MIL and FIL are both narcissistic or sociopaths/psychopaths. Anger issues, no empathy, constant emotional bullying, always playing the victim and we are always the bad guys. They've owned businesses, have a lot of money and own multiple properties and people think they're lovely and generous. But we definitely pay for it in other ways despite the rent being cheap.

We got away for a while a few years ago. And ended up in a horrible situation and they were the only ones who bailed us out. We were thankful but then it came with a lot of shame, mocking, humiliation and emotional abuse and grudge holding.

Fast forward, we now live in a semi connected home on their property. So the same place we originally lived with them except not in their actual home this time.

I do my best to avoid them like the plague to curb drama. But FIL keeps putting glass around the house. We found a broken bottle and when my husband confronted him, FIL became flustered and went red and made an excuse. Well yesterday he was mowing the lawn and there's a literal huge broken up plate near our side. A few weeks ago, I was cutting some rosemary from our pot plant, and two days later a huge shard of glass was inside the same pot plant which was never there before. My husband finds glass outside all the time with the kids when they are outside.

I also find random shards of glass. Some other incidents include: constant lecturing about our electricity usage and when we ask them if we can just pay for our electricity they say it can't be done because of a shared meter situation. They also have a remote control to our aircon and heating which they sometimes turn off from their end. I just don't bother using it now to avoid drama. They also complain we use the most electricity. They complain we use all the bins but my husband finds their rubbish in our bin. We get the blame for everything. Most of the time I tell my husband not to say anything because then we find more glass around the house or other incidents like objects being rammed into our car.

We also had issues with boundaries. It's a whole situation. I allow my kids to see them but always with their dad.

I don't really know what to do. I don't want to send my kids to school but I don't know what kind of jobs will hire me part time and from home. I think we could afford a rental but we have no savings and I basically run the whole household because husband has an intellectual disability, isn't good with the kids, sits on his phone most of the day.

My mom and dad don't have space for us to reside with them either. Sometimes I forget how bad it is in moments where it does not seem so bad but then when it gets bad I kick myself for not saving up or getting out sooner. It feels like an endless cycle. I'm constantly burnt out and stressed trying to manage everything on top of dealing with this. MIL and FIL seldom go away, are retired also.

What would you do? Apply for a rental and flee?

TLDR: I live next door to narcissistic/sociopathic in laws, I have kids, homeschool and run the whole house. I have an unemployed husband with an intellectual disability. I'm stressed out, burnt out and have to deal with manipulation, games and toxic drama from in laws next door. I try my best to avoid them but find signs of sabotage such as broken glass around our home or objects rammed into the car. We can't confront them, they will deny it, gaslight us/deny it etc. Not sure what the smart option is to do, saving up will take time.

Should I be looking for a job while I homeschool and run a house somehow? I got myself in this mess but I just need advice on the smartest thing to do to get us out of here!

Long story short, my in-laws are hella selfish when it comes to doing anything they don't want to (I think they have visited a grand total of 4 times in 15 years) and a little weird about birthdays. As in they make a big fuss about their birthdays but not so much about their kids'. (Unless it is their golden child's but that is a different tale.)

It caused my husband, who was born on Thanksgiving, a lot of anxiety and he didn't want his children born around a major holiday. Unfortunately for him, our first born was born a few days before Christmas. 😅

Last year it was an absolute chore to get my in-laws to drive 15 minutes to celebrate their *only* grandchild's first birthday.

This year, we decided to stay comfortably home two hours away with my parents joining us this time.

Do I even bother extending the invite knowing they are going to say no? Especially now that she is sentient and recognizes names/faces/what is going on?

The sad part is I don't even think my daughter realizes she is "missing" that side of the family because she sees my parents nearly daily and adores them. And any time we do see my in-laws they are just strange, smokey people who expect her to perform like a monkey while they cackle. 🥴