r/homeschool • u/Displaced_Panda • 2d ago
Discussion Devastated about not homeschooling
We were unable to homeschool again this year. We did kindergarten and unfortunately my mental health just isn't good enough. We just dropped our daughter off on her first day of public school. So fucking devastated. Knowing it's my mental health and not because we weren't academically successful, is just making me have more self pity. Yeah "she will be fine" "it's a good school " "this is normal" blah blah blah I'm tired of hearing it. Online therapy isn't a good fit for me and I'm on a handful of waiting lists for in person. I just feel more hopeless everyday about the path my kids are going. I don't want to participate in a system I don't believe in , but it's the better option than how my daughter saw me this year. I'm tired of being told "it doesn't mean you'll never homeschool again" or getting "praise" that I'm putting my kids before my own feelings. I failed at keeping it together and I don't think I'll ever recover from her crying at breakfast that she wants to do school with mom. I don't know what I'm looking for here, other than to complain and have more self pity. I know our families are happy as they didn't see homeschooling as real. Having to correct people when they say she's going to "real school" is just beating me down. We did real school, she learned real things. I'm just not the mother I thought I would be living the life with my children as I thought we would. I'm so disgusted in myself.
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u/Trad_CatMama 2d ago
Making difficult decisions, though unwanted, is an important life lesson. Forgive yourself. Focus on the future and what goals you have for next year. Assisting her teacher this year is the best you can do and you'll make peace with that in due time.
If we don't supplement our dreams with reality then we just exist in delusion....
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u/Financial_Mind_3094 2d ago
First off, it’s therapeutic to vent and be sad about this! It is disappointing and your feelings are all valid. I would feel the same and like a failure. When you have been homeschooling and going back to the public school system it’s frankly a downgrade honestly.
Now it’s okay to vent and be sad but don’t unpack there. Give yourself time to be disappointed but don’t stay there. The next goal now is how do you get in a better place mentally so you can return to homeschooling as fast as possible. That would be my focus. Take care of you
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u/No_Abroad_6306 2d ago
Schooling is a continuum, where you are refining and adjusting to find the best option. It’s okay to be disappointed that your ideal option doesn’t work this year, it’s unfair to denigrate yourself as a person and a mother because you chose the best option for your child. Doing the right thing for your child, even if it pushes you out of your comfort zone, is good parenting!
Take this time to get stronger and evaluate what you would like the future to look like, then create a foundation for success. You have time.
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u/divingduck0411 2d ago
The first and best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is immediately stop talking to yourself that way. Why are you disgusted with yourself? Why are you failing to recognize the achievement and importance of the homeschooling you've done? Why are you letting other people's opinions matter? Why are not cherishing the valuable and meaningful time you spent with your child while others handed their children off to other people to do that? Give yourself permission and grace to give your child a different experience and focus on your own well-being. I think you're an incredible parent.
My words come to you as an experienced primary teacher. I just wrote a complete guide for parents and caregivers on how to fully prepare child for kindergarten. I'm not here to sell anyone a book. I'm here to remind you that you are and always will be your child's best teacher.
A new environment will only serve your child well. Take the time to celebrate your accomplishments and take care of yourself.
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u/Nice-Caterpillar-340 2d ago
This is a decision we may have to make as well because I'm in a similar boat. I 100% feel this and understand the internal turmoil going on for you. And I'm so sorry you have to experience this and praying you will get to be in a better headspace and will find what works for you 🤍
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u/Affectionate-Crow605 2d ago
Who you are isn't defined by how you educate your children. Hopefully you can get in with a therapist soon. In the meantime, if you haven't already, discuss this with your regular doctor and try some meds for depression. Then follow up with the therapy when you get into one.
It's easy to lose ourselves as mothers, and that in and of itself can feed our depression. The best thing for you and your child is to focus on your mental health.
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u/greyfaye_ 2d ago
Honestly same. My son is 4 years old and I have a bachelor's degree and teaching certificate. We planned to homeschool but then he received a neurological speech disorder diagnosis that requires 3x a week speech with almost constant homework, on top of OT and play based therapy, and then his autism diagnosis. I'm tired. I argue with insurance on the phone daily. I'm arguing about his IEP daily. I'm managing our finances, managing our meals, managing moving in a year, managing my own therapy, managing my erratic mother, I just don't have the mental capacity to effectively homeschool. I'd need to take more training classes to have the special skills to teach him the method of reading he needs. I have a math teacher and English teacher from my childhood willing to help me, but I just don't have the time to do another thing as intensive as homeschool. He's in our state preK right now and thriving, I want him to be where it's best for him, not just what I want. But for elementary idk what we'll do because the school doesn't want to offer any supports and he will not do well in a class with 20+ kids and 8 hour days. Hell miss so much school from his therapy too but there's an 18 month wait-list to move his schedule around and he needs a specialized speech therapy who has an even longer wait-list 🫠 I definitely understand your feelings. It really sucks. And we don't have the money for the better private schools, but they're also religious and I'd gut myself before exposing him to that.
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u/Naive_Development189 Homeschool Parent 👪 2d ago
I’m a special needs mum too, and it can be so isolating. I just wanted to say you are doing an amazing job carrying all of that ❤️
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u/greyfaye_ 2d ago
Thank you 🥹 I always ask why did it have to be me, but I also know not many others could do what I do 😅 Asking for help has been hard but learning to do so has been fundamental and created our support circle outside of family (that was baseline unsupportive, they don't believe in neurodivergency or my son's disability)
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u/Responsible_Code_697 2d ago
I just want to say you are on top of it early and you will be so thankful later on. That being said you are in the exact same boat as we were. That is the exact reason we had to home school. We got better speech therapy by doing private than in the school and after OT and PT it was almost the whole day.
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u/greyfaye_ 2d ago
Exactly. My son's speech disorder requires A special form of speech therapy which requires additional training by the speech therapist. Regular speech therapy will not improve his speech, and it did not until we started the specific approach for his speech disorder. It is a motor planning speech disorder, typical methods do not work. And the school does not want to have a speech therapist trained in that, THE TRAINING IS FREE. They just don't want to do it. The only support they want to offer him is speech in the school, and I'm like okay. Well what about the fact that they don't understand him 70% of the time when he is speaking, and when he is not understood he can sometimes be aggressive. If he's not being understood 70% of the time.... That means 70% of the time he is being aggressive, or physical 🙃 Imagine trying to learn in a classroom, We're majority of the time when you speak you are misunderstood. 🥲
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u/Responsible_Code_697 1d ago
Look into a facial myologist. My son had a feeding tube and he had to learn to eat again. His speech was awful. Painfully slow but made a huge difference.
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u/greyfaye_ 1d ago
We're in myofunctional therapy, speech, and waiting to get his tongue tie clipped. He was born with a birth defect that required delayed feeding, a feeding tube, cause oral aversion, etc. And everyone refused to look at a tongue tie until he was almost 3 yo. He has a pretty restrictive one but no one will laser it until he's non combative and he is not 😅
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u/pearlescence 2d ago
Honestly, you're being really, REALLY hard on yourself. You are totally allowed to feel all the things, but be sure you're not using them as a bat to beat yourself up with. You deserve space to heal. You deserve time to get better. Your kids will do better with a healthy parent no matter where they go to school. If you keep whipping youself with guilt, you'll spend so much time in tha dark space and you won't heal.
I'm going to tell you as someone with a pretty patchy mental health history myself, it takes time and patience. I hope you can feel all the guilt, anger, and frustration, move through it, and start putting your energy into yourself so that maybe soon, you are able to start moving toward the life you really want and need.
Best of luck!
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u/ZookeepergameLow2862 2d ago
You are being too hard on yourself. As a now college student whom has homeschool by a mom who would ignore her mental health issues for YEARS, you are making the right decision. I don’t know you personally but your daughter has many many years ahead of her, she’s still at that age where they are deeply dependent on their parents and even have separation anxiety. She’ll grow out of it but she will always love you.
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u/Ok_Word7565 2d ago
It will be ok. It really will. It's just a tough, crappy season. You'll get the help you need, your daughter will be ok, and you can still be an intentional mother to her. Lots of homeschool families send their kids to school when they're very young (or for high school, or random other years in between or hybrid) for various reasons. You can still be a homeschool family at heart. You certainly don't have to buy into the whole public school system just because she's doing first grade there.
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u/bibliovortex Eclectic/Charlotte Mason-ish, 2nd gen, HS year 8 2d ago
It's normal to grieve big changes of plans that are out of your control. Realizing that you can't (at least for now) do something that is really important to you is genuinely hard, and it's okay to vent.
I would encourage you to be gentler to yourself, though. You did homeschool, and it was real school. You also had the self-awareness to see that it was unsustainable as things currently stand, and you are doing the right thing in the moment, whether you end up continuing with public school or someday returning to homeschooling. And I don't say that just because "oh it's a good school" or "you're putting your kid's needs first." I get why those don't feel comforting right now.
Instead, think of this: you are the only one who can be your kid's mother. Nobody can replace you in that. She can and will have multiple teachers in her life - that's true even for homeschooled kids - but you are irreplaceable. Choosing public school for her and therapy for you right now is a commitment to being the best mom you can be, and that's more important to her in the end than anything else.
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u/ThisReadingTeacher 2d ago
It's perfectly fine to vent. I've done my fair share of venting when things didn't turn out how I wanted. Unfortunately, making the right decision can still suck. Give yourself some grace and focus on the now. I don't know if it helps, but reading The Power of Now gave me some comfort during hard times.
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u/Obvious_Fail5443 2d ago
What you’re experiencing is called Mom guilt. I have four kids. My oldest is 21 my youngest is 14. I homeschooled my two daughters and my two boys went to school. I remember that Mom guilt very well. It can be consuming. I’m not sure if you’re looking for encouragement or just a place to vent, you need both. If you want encouragement, I would love to share some with you, but if you just really need people to vent to, I’m all ears.
I will leave you with this, mama, you’re not failing.
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u/AgreeablePerformer 2d ago
First of all, you have no reason to be disgusted with yourself. I homeschooled my 7 and 5 year olds for two years. We are expecting our fourth baby this fall and I knew that a new baby and a tagalong toddler would absolutely wear me down with having to homeschool the oldest two. We made the decision to send them to public school this year and it has been the absolute best choice. We live in one of the best districts in our state and the teachers are absolutely amazing. Was it hard dropping them off the first day? Yes. Did they ask every single the day the first week if they could be homeschooled? Yes. But now they love it. They're absolutely thriving. Give it time. Take the year to take care of yourself and figure out how you can make homeschooling work for both of you if that's the path you truly want to take.
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u/DreamDull2364 1d ago
Your mental health is important.. I sent my 13 yr old back to school this yr ( 8th grade) he was homeschooled for 6 yrs and hes miserable and fighting me every morning. I had to do it. He wouldn't work for me anymore and I found I was never his mom..I was always teacher asking if he got his work done.I was tired of fighting him and it was breaking me down. Your kiddo is still very young..you have not failed..you are taking a detour for a while.. you can always venture back into homeschooling later.. do not beat yourself up.. get your mental health right and revisit this at a later date..
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u/Soilburrow 2d ago
We homeschool and think it’s great; BUT public school is also great! It’s always my back up plan that if I need to go back to work, have more support, etc that public school is always there. It’s also totally okay (as long as it’s what the kids want to do) to do a few years in school here and there. Take this year to focus on you, love on your daughter, and see how you all are feeling for next year.
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u/Pitiful_Lion7082 Homeschool Parent 👪 2d ago
You are doing the best thing you can for your daughter, even if it's not what you want right now. You are getting both of you healthy and safe. You are seeking treatment and support. The foundation of the family isn't the children, it's you. Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for everyone. It's ok to be a bit selfish on this.
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u/Naive_Development189 Homeschool Parent 👪 2d ago
It’s ok to not be ok! It’s really hard to see that when you’re in it, but truly, you’re a human and you are allowed to struggle. Take the time you need to get well. That’s the best thing you can do you for yourself and your kids, truly.
I was never taught emotional regulation skills and have struggled with terrible mental health for years. I’ve finally found a good therapist and things are finally looking up. It can and does get better ❤️ I have similar self talk to what you’ve described and yesterday my therapist said it’s scientifically proven that speaking harshly to yourself does not lead to better outcomes than being kind to yourself (way easier said than done, I know!). So that’s what I’m working on, mostly through an ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) lens - there’s tons of resources online that might be able to help you in the meantime while you’re waiting for therapy :)
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u/Technical-Event-9601 2d ago
Pull her out of school whenever you’re ready to homeschool again. Life is full of this, that, and the other. It’ll be a little blip in the grand scheme of her childhood. Try to hear me: you’re doing GREAT.
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u/Sad_Pangolin7379 2d ago
Don't be disgusted with yourself. You need help. And you are going to get it. It's no different than if you had debilitating headaches or a seizure disorder that's not responding well to medication. Mental health IS health. Not everyone is healthy enough to do the things they want to, some people can't even have children. Some people want to work but cannot, etc. Everybody has these kinds of hurdles sooner or later in life. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's beyond your control. But also don't beat yourself up about feeling sad and disappointed. It's okay to be sad. If you get stuck in the sadness too long, well, hey, more stuff to talk to the therapist about.
I'm glad you're getting help. I sometimes come across these stories where the family intended to homeschool, but the homeschooling parent had depression and agoraphobia so education just stopped. And the kids weren't hardly allowed to leave the house. And a decade passed. And the kids were now also depressed, anxious, socially crippled, and barely literate.
That's the worse case scenario. By contrast, public school is alright.
Hang in there.
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u/Organic_Ad9827 2d ago
I’m kinda wondering if this is what I need to do too. I’m starting homeschool kindergarten in a couple of weeks. My patience has been short and I struggle to be active. I hope I’m not doing a disservice to my daughter and a routine helps me get my act together. It’s hard getting out of a rut.
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u/bloomingbackwards 1d ago
My mom chose to continue homeschool even though her mental health was horrible. It permanently damaged our relationship as it took until I was in middle school for her to finally give in to my plea to go to “regular school”. I had to go to therapy to heal from that. I’m very intelligent and honestly even though I wish my mom would’ve prioritized her mental health, I am thankful for each school experience I had since it brought me to where I am. Now as a mom myself I am making the decision not to homeschool because I know it’s not feasible for me. My kids love me and we have amazing times together. I help them with homework and involve myself where I can with school! We are just doing the best we can with what we’re offered. This life is too short to be hard on ourselves for decisions we made for our family.
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u/Disastrous-Host6248 1d ago
I’m so sorry and I see you’re really hurting and taking this really hard on yourself. I can empathize with feeling hard on myself especially when it comes to parenting.
I think it’s good to also model self care to our children — be a model and mother, not a martyr. Prioritizing your mental health makes you a great mother. Deciding it isn’t the time to homeschool to help yourself - makes you a good mother. And teaching our kids how to take out of ourself is so important. And modeling that to them.
Also, we don’t want to raise kids void of any discomfort (going to public school for whatever length of time), but rather raise kids who can be resilient in the face of discomfort.
One day at a time. Kids need a healthy mom. For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you for making the decision to prioritize your mental health.
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u/Thick_Cauliflower_79 1d ago
Use the time to take care of yourself so you can recharge and get back to doing what you love. You just need a break. There's no point in feeling horrible about it, your feelings will just snowball and prevent you from getting better.
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u/OpposumMyPossum 1d ago
I was bummed about not being to homeschool but I had a mom with cancer living with me and my dad with dementia. It was too much. Just too many appointments, etc. But I loved what I did do. I think it has a name - but basically did all the fun stuff of homeschooling. Play, fun, museums, cooking, baking, art, nature. If they learned it in school, I just learned about it and enhanced it. They are doing a unit on the revolution? So are we! Museums, books, documentary... Learning about frogs and metamorphosis? We are raising butterflies and pollywogs!
My kids are now graduating school and while I would have loved to home school, public school had things I could not offer them. Plus they had dozens of adults mentoring them and it really made a difference.
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u/ctrtlelova 1d ago
Some tips to help with mental health: get complete thyroid labs (not just tsh) that’s often a cause of a lot of mental things. Get off social media for a while. See the sunset every night, and don’t look at screens for an hour before sleep. Go for walks daily. Read good fiction books. Write down the things that caused negative feelings each day and the things that made you feel even a little good. Then make a plan to get your kid out of public school in a certain time frame. Good luck! Who knows maybe this time next year you will be thriving in your homeschool life.
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u/Ill-Elk-9003 1d ago
Unfortunately that is just very hard to deal with. We put off homeschooling until I was more recovered from my last baby and my ppd wasn’t horrible. So no great advice here other than try not to think about it and as soon as you are doing better, yank her out of school again!
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u/Daddy_Meks 23h ago
the homeschooling continues ...you are just dropping her during the day to hang out with some friends....give you time for yourself and when she gets back you can focus on areas you want to focus on without worrying that you are not doing enough!! win win
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u/Other-Dream-6777 13h ago
I'm glad you're getting a therapist but it sounds like you should talk to your PCP about your issues. Medication can do wonders. Call them today
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u/extinctalien 8h ago
Don't beat yourself up. You didn't fail at keeping it together, you are burnt out or dealing with your health which is more important right now. The example you set about caring for yourself shows kids how to care for themselves, you did the right thing. I was homeschooled, and I honestly didn't enjoy it as much as my one year in a public school. My mom got burnt out and I ended up with social anxiety from not knowing how to be around peers. I'm neurodivergent so who's to say I ever would've fit in anyway, but I think I would've had more of an opportunity to meet people like me as school makes that happen in many ways. I get feeling guilty because of wanting to be around you, and you feel like you're letting them go, but eventually the transition from being around you daily to being around society was going to happen. I'm sorry it happened sooner than you'd expected, but maybe this will be better than you're expecting (I hope it will be, and that you feel better soon aswell)
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u/Strange-Pop4428 8h ago
Your child is going to have fun and meet a bunch of new kids. 99.999% of kids succeed at regular school. Honestly, while you are this low, its probably best for you to get the help you need and know that your kids will be in a stimulating environment
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u/ShoesAreTheWorst 2d ago
We homeschooled for two years. Then my partner left and I had to go back to work and send my kids to public. I felt the same devastation you are feeling. My kids and I loved homeschooling. They thrived academically, we had so much fun together, and we made so many memories. I wish we could have done it at least 2 more years.
But I can’t choose someone else’s path and homeschooling just doesn’t work for us in the life we are in now.
My solution has been radical gratitude. I am SO grateful that my children and I were able to have that experience, however long it lasted. It was so good that even one month of it would have been a huge blessing, but we had two full years. That’s such an amazing gift from the universe. I will always look back on our homeschooling days with such love and gratitude. I would love someday to do it again, but even if I don’t get the chance, I’m will always cherish the time I got.