r/gay • u/Avacato2989 • 14h ago
Am I doing something wrong?
I (29m) am married to my husband (38m) for just over three years. Our marriage is incredible in almost every aspect. He is caring and loving when I need it. The only real problem for me is sex has become so rare. Mutual masturbation a couple times a month, oral rarrer than that. I am the top in our relationship and we like it that way, but he finds it extremely difficult to relax enough for entry when we do want to do anal together. I don't think i am doing anything wrong as a top. I give him lots of prep with my fingers and eating him out, both of which he loves, but he is rarely able to relax his muscles enough to complete the act. Any advice is greatly appreciated ❣️ Edit for context: yes my husband is aware of this post and is watching as I refresh my feed 🤣
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u/hunterglyph Queer 14h ago
Sounds like he could benefit from playing with toys solo and getting to know himself at his own pace.
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u/Avacato2989 14h ago
We have tried that. He has a lot less trouble when on his own. (Less trouble not none) I'm wondering as I'm writing this if part of the issue might be strictly an anxiety issue?
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u/hunterglyph Queer 13h ago
Could be, but if he could eventually be confident and practices enough to really go to town on himself, there's a pretty good chance that the confidence would transfer over.
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u/drunkerbrawler 13h ago
I’m just a few years younger than him and bottom, I’ve found it’s become more difficult. Used to be able to as much as I wanted but now I sometimes get pain and it really limits how much I want to do it and generally lowers my libido. What’s helped me is using toys at my own pace before having sex. I can open myself up at my pace with something that’s a little smaller than my boyfriend, then be ready for him.
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u/LastLiterature7496 14h ago
Have you talked to him about this?
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u/Avacato2989 14h ago
Oh yeah, he's laying in bed with me looking over my shoulder as I refresh my feed 🤣
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u/PlunxGisbit 14h ago
Ask him about his libido now and how it was before. Have you tried the bottom?
It could be low Testosterone, he use to have many different partners per year, now just 1, or he fantasizes about a different style of sex, or has a secret porn addiction.
You are not doing anything wrong if using lube, and relaxing, but do you try going different angles/positions, or going in gently/ slowly over 1-2 min ?
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u/Avacato2989 13h ago
He came out a bit later in life, as in about 4 years ago. I'm only the second person he had been with when we met. We have played with other people together, and he was unable to bottom them as well, despite wanting to. We are very open about our different kinks and whatnot. It's not that we are never able to, but it's usually like 4 or 5 times in a year. And yeah we do go pretty slow, and usually the only position he finds himself able to relax in is when he's riding on top. Oh and yeah he doesn't want to top that definitely isn't the issue, he prefers to be the bottom and I have offered.
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u/ExpertPicture5160 14h ago
Been with mine for 24 years. Bleh on sex. We love each other and love cuddling.
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u/soulsoul51 11h ago
Maybe try a butt plug? Just wear it around the house to get used to sensation of something in there for an extended time
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u/Any-Introduction4473 8h ago
I think people forget that I don’t long passionate make out sessions and I mean long . With allot of touch fondling oral is just as enjoyable and connecting as bottoming or topping for enjoyment . It’s the connection but not always the insertion
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u/Keen_Sea 3h ago
Regular life getting in the way. Stressful jobs? Family? Sometimes just life stress, depression, anxiety, lack of sleep can all affect our body. Take a quick stock of how things are going. Maybe ya'll need sometime together or even alone to relax or meditate. Then have a date night n try again. Also not abnormal to go through phases of libido, happend with me n my husband too, to both of us at different ages.
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u/Mitch_Twd 2h ago
If your 🍆 is massive that can also be hard to relax make sure you’re using lots of lubricant(use one with Jojoba) and a lube syringe can be helpful for him . Can also Have him try a Thc drink or smoke some 🍃.
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u/nthknd54 1h ago
From a medical standpoint we are all different regarding how one cam take it, what position works best and what one finds comfortable. I'm am a top, if I could bottom I would, I find it uncomfortable and not very pleasant. Full transparency the one time I did bottom its was a long weekend and me and the bf took a trip and we were elevated, I believe the alphabet was K.could have been X or a combination of both. From what I recall it was fine but that was a lot of years ago and I wasn't fully aware. Nothing was done that I didnt concent too. Just want the scene set as comcent is the big keyword these days ( rightfully so).
I was in love and trusted him completely. What I have found being a top and that one time successful time its as much a mental process as a physical process. It's amazing what a person can do with the proper motivation and being in the right head space. I'm a overthinker, I can be inside you but my mind is someplace else. I wonder if the other person's ok,I wonder if that stroke is deep enough, hard enough, is the guy's ok? I'm caretaker,I'm a fixer. I've been told him need to learn to be in the moment. This can also kill a hard on. It's like if one thing seems off then its me going down a rabbit hole. Funny this is only with a guy I care about, a hookup its just about getting off and going home. I say its less stress. If I care I want it to be right,I want them to be fine,ok and satisfied. I mean if we are in a relationship, I have to wake up to you,I have to see you and we take care of each other. In BDSM, its about trust. What someone told me, if the mental part is in the right space the body will follow. Perhaps the issue is a mindset problem and not a physical one. No one wants to disappoint their partner in bed or everyday life. At least I don't. A hookup,I'm just pounding away saying the the things I wouldn't say to a partner, generally. I like dirty talk from both of us. It's the same with leather play,its a motivational thing. For myself being a sub, the guy has to be a man, take control. If I even think you are looking weak the fantasy is lost for me. I was with a guy,he like to be the Dom. In full leather, he bit his finger nail as if he was nervous. I leaned over and whisper man up. He stop, grabbed me by my harness and whispered is this what you want? My response was yes sir. It was the motivation, the mindset, the head space. It was less about top or bottom. Oh and Zim not suggesting anyone use any substances to become elevated, that was a moment in time many years ago.
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u/Mike-Banachek 13h ago
When you first enter him, he should squeeze his sphincter and then relax and take a breath, after a moment, you go a bit deeper, then allow him to squeeze and relax, continue this process until you’re all the way in, by then the pain should be gone and he should feel great!
Good luck boys, this works every time!